Am I being Fussy?

[Chexton]

I wanted an MN sense check on an ongoing argument I have with my DH. To be clear, this isn’t ‘LTB’ territory, he is generally a great Dad and has currently taken a few days off work to look after me as I had to go to A&E at the weekend.

BUT, our approach to food is quite different. I would say I’m a generous cook and perhaps a feeder whilst DH has a large appetite but has a very simple palette.

Examples: I will make a sandwich with lovely thick cut bread, spread, chutney, cheese, ham etc.
He will thaw a couple of slices of freezer bread, no spread, a bit of mayo and slab of cheese.

If I’m doing a crumpet I’ll defrost in the microwave first, heat in toaster, spread and bovril piping hot.
He’ll put it in the toaster so still cold in the middle, no spread and a thin layer of bovril.

He likes it how he likes it and I like it how I like it. However, when I ask for things the way I like it, he teases me that I’m being fussy.

I know this sounds like ‘my diamond shoes are too tight’ type complaining but since recovering I have had
-cold toast with half a teaspoon of jam on it
-nice soup with a massacred dry roll
-hot chocolate with only half the ‘hotel Chocolat’ packet in it as ‘it’s fine like that’
-a sandwich with literally a slice of pre cut Emmental in it

We have no money issues at all, his dad is very frugal and has simple tastes so he gets it from him but I’m so fed up of him thinking I’m fussy when I gently ask if he can heat something a little more or put some butter on a hot cross bun etc.

Surely everyone has spread on their sandwiches, likes toast hot etc? Or am I being unreasonable??

I probably wouldn't serve the finest cuisine! I might spread some peanut butter on bread? I see these impressive foods but I don't SEE them. But... I do see mess. So other people probably think "oh god, she's so fussy about tidiness" and it drives them up the wall. My partner has made the bed before and all I see is untucked edges and crumpled pillows. But he's not seeing it like that. He sees a well made bed. Because I'm fussy. It's all about perspective. Neither is wrong, I don't think. That's a ramble!

Sorry, I know this isn't the point of your post, but do you mean you literally put the mayo on the bread first and then the spread? I've never known anyone do that! YANBU though.

Nah. In my house, I cook food how I like it. I'm not a personal chef and not a servant. People have two options: 1) eat it, 2) don't eat it and make their own. Child included. If someone would 'send me back to the kitchen' because their bread was not cut up right, they'd be welcome to go and get their own food, as I wouldn't bring them anything afterwards, ill or not.

Had it with my mother last week. Hospitalised with pneumonia. 'Oh I'm so very very sick, I'm dying, poor poor me'. And then demands her special muesli bar from one shop, her special biscuits from another shop, her specially made sandwiches with ham from that special shop, because no other shop has such, etc. Not to mention bringing her a bunch of other, VERY PARTICULAR items (blue cashmere jumper instead of the grey, a particular one scarf out of her thousands of comparable ones, etc). Eventually, she was told to piss off and get all that shit herself.

Not to mention, you can't be 'very very sick' and eat like a pig. You don't have an appetite when ill. And if you're really hungry, you'll eat what you're given (hospital food).

Nicely put, I wholeheartedly agree.

Do you make food for them the way he likes it?

Had it with my mother last week. Hospitalised with pneumonia. 'Oh I'm so very very sick, I'm dying, poor poor me'. And then demands her special muesli bar from one shop, her special biscuits from another shop, her specially made sandwiches with ham from that special shop, because no other shop has such, etc. Not to mention bringing her a bunch of other, VERY PARTICULAR items (blue cashmere jumper instead of the grey, a particular one scarf out of her thousands of comparable ones, etc). Eventually, she was told to piss off and get all that shit herself.

I just hope some of the nursing staff are kind.....

I hardly think asking for butter on bread is the same but that said, I can’t imagine ever telling my hospitalised mother to ‘piss off’. Delightful.

And I will absolutely note in future that I can’t be ‘very very sick’ and still have an appetite (I’m actually waiting for a transplant and had to have emergency procedure Friday). I’ll also note in future that soup, a roll, a sandwich and crumpet over a weekend is apparently ‘eating like a pig’

Thanks for setting me straight on those things

Complete typo! It would go bread, spread, mayo and mustard to create a sort of Dijon

Yes he does. 9 out of 10 times he makes it wrong. So over a 20 year relationship I would estimate 90% of the time, he would make the drink the wrong way around (water then squash/cordial)

He is either thick
or… enjoys pissing you off

Veering towards agreeing with you on most points OP but I must say if I was your DH I might just bring you a spoon to correct your wrongly made cordial!

I bet your husband can't wait for you to be fully recovered and back in charge of the kitchen. Wishing you all the best with your transplant and hope you make a speedy recovery so that you can at last enjoy a decent sandwich and drink

This made me laugh. I often get given a knife to give it a quick stir. Why a knife, I have no idea but it is always a knife!

He does it badly so you won’t ask again.

Thank you. I am a fussy cow perhaps but I think lack of sleep and being poked and prodded over the weekend has made me more grumpy than usual about this.

Having said that, he’s just brought me up a lovely tray with some Christmas cake ( the secret stash of nice homemade stuff we keep from the kids) and a nice hot chocolate with baileys squirty cream on it. Then bowed and called me ‘m’lady’ when passing it to me - so he does sometimes get it right.

To me this is a classic relationship issue of the ‘he doesn’t need to agree, or even understand, he just needs to believe you’ variety.

On the one hand he is making things for you and just falling back on old habits - powerful things. On the other, someone who cannot comprehend that another person - particularly the most important person in the world to them - is a different, separate person from them, not an extension of themselves, has serious psychological deficiencies, in my view.

A transplant?? So not just a bad cold or sprained ankle. Something very very serious. And post transplant you’ll have weeks of needing his support.

Is there anyone else instead of him? A young child perhaps would be better

Though he doesn’t just need to believe you - he needs to re-learn how to do things and remember. But he has had 20 years.

I wouldn't have butter or mayo on a sandwich, and certainly never together.

We are all different.

OP your DH sounds as though he is doing his best to take care of you, surely you can just suck up the difference in food preparation for now.

Are you always this loving, caring and empathetic? What a lucky mum you have.

Not to mention, you can't be 'very very sick' and eat like a pig.

I only lose my appetite if I have a sickness bug!

Yes you are super fussy with food. He sounds fine, you sound like a nag.

Jer mum sounds like a spoilt brat to be fair.

Neither of you is right or wrong, you both have your own way of doing things, you both think your way is the best and your DH is unwilling to change his way of doing things to suit you. DP and I are the same which I why we both make our own drinks, lunches and snacks!

Are you my mother? She's kind gentle and understanding like you. 🫶