Am I being Fussy?

[Chexton]

I wanted an MN sense check on an ongoing argument I have with my DH. To be clear, this isn’t ‘LTB’ territory, he is generally a great Dad and has currently taken a few days off work to look after me as I had to go to A&E at the weekend.

BUT, our approach to food is quite different. I would say I’m a generous cook and perhaps a feeder whilst DH has a large appetite but has a very simple palette.

Examples: I will make a sandwich with lovely thick cut bread, spread, chutney, cheese, ham etc.
He will thaw a couple of slices of freezer bread, no spread, a bit of mayo and slab of cheese.

If I’m doing a crumpet I’ll defrost in the microwave first, heat in toaster, spread and bovril piping hot.
He’ll put it in the toaster so still cold in the middle, no spread and a thin layer of bovril.

He likes it how he likes it and I like it how I like it. However, when I ask for things the way I like it, he teases me that I’m being fussy.

I know this sounds like ‘my diamond shoes are too tight’ type complaining but since recovering I have had
-cold toast with half a teaspoon of jam on it
-nice soup with a massacred dry roll
-hot chocolate with only half the ‘hotel Chocolat’ packet in it as ‘it’s fine like that’
-a sandwich with literally a slice of pre cut Emmental in it

We have no money issues at all, his dad is very frugal and has simple tastes so he gets it from him but I’m so fed up of him thinking I’m fussy when I gently ask if he can heat something a little more or put some butter on a hot cross bun etc.

Surely everyone has spread on their sandwiches, likes toast hot etc? Or am I being unreasonable??

Interchangeable in my house. If we are having poached eggs on toast I will usually have Marmite on my toast and DH will have Bovril on his. DC love Bovril on a cracker.

I don't think Bovril on a crumpet is odd at all.

Oh yes, a bit of bovril through scrambled eggs is also amazing

Glad I’m not completely mad for putting it on a crumpet. Not the question I thought this thread would generate

You don’t sound very happy @Chexton

I don’t think you’re fussy.
As a PP said, you just have higher standards and a preference. Maybe higher standards than average, and his standards sound below.
Ultimately as long as you’re preferences are reasonable, I don’t think you should be labelled fussy. I think it’s an excuse for being a bit lazy.
And I don’t think he should be put on a pedestal just for doing any cooking/caring at all, it’s what anyone in a partnership should do regardless!
You are however lucky to have a caring and present partner but you know that.

I also don't think that you sound fussy.

I will make a sandwich with lovely thick cut bread, spread, chutney, cheese, ham etc.

Cutting bread & putting spread on with a filling of your choice is hardly asking for the moon on a stick is it?

He's too lazy to do it for himself or you by the sounds of things as he'll eat it if made for him.

I don't know. I just chuck the squash in whenever. Like, fair enough about the cold crumpet (although that's so easy to do!) but if someone made me something they considered really nice I would think "this is nice" but I don't think that I would consider it more than that iykwim? I'm not talking about specific things like milk in coffee but I don't think I would notice how far a spread reaches toast. I'm not being virtuous by the way. I'm just not interested in food or good at cooking, so I think my standards and subsequently expectations are quite low. I would quite like to be a 'cook' by the way!

you are super fussy with food, in certain ways, others might be horrified at using 'spread' not butter, freezing crumpets, or you preference for toast temperature and toppings.. you have raised this a (somewhat lighthearted) thread and some people of course have gone batsh1t over it. Plus ca change. However, anyone making such a loving caring approach to you is to be cherished, as PP intimated, different people see the same thing in different ways. If you are wanting the thermometer used on the toast, and a weighing scales for the jam then you are certainly bound to live a life of disappointment unless you hire a butler, and even then.. As someone once said, if you go looking for problems, you'll find them..

Totally legit to be waited on hand and foot - and good on him for doing it! But also reasonable to ask for what you’d like. And he would surely be happy to give you what you’ll actually enjoy eating, even if it’s not his style or taste.

I totally get you op, I love my crumpets double toasted and crunchy on the outside, but trying to explain that comes across as fussy as f**k, but I would rather not have one if the alternative is a sad, limp, pale offering.
Could you ask dh to bring you all the neccesary ingredients, put the bread board on your lap and make your own sandwich, tell him you're just trying to be independent. Keep water and the cordial within reach.
Wishing you and your taste buds a speedy recovery 💐

YANBU. It's hardly as if you're demanding lobster bisque under a cloche. You just want some bloody butter on your sandwich bread!

This is men though. They can't be fucked to put in the effort to add the little touches that make things nice - even for themselves.

Dry bread sandwich with slice of cheese? Fuck it, it'll do.

Stinky towel that's been in use for two weeks? What are you moaning about, it's fine.

Bachelor flat with one plate, knife, fork, chair and massive TV plus gaming console? Got everything I need!

They're happy enough to benefit from the fruits of women's efforts to provide nice food and a cosy environment, but won't provide it for themselves or anyone else.

I think he’s being lazy and ignorant and it would make me sad, especially because he teased you when you tried to raise it.

The posts saying you should be grateful he’s doing anything are bizarre. Looking after your partner’s physical needs when they are ill or incapacitated is absolutely basic. If I were looking after DH under these circumstances, I would make an effort to give him food made to HIS liking, because I love him and want him to feel better. He would do the same for me, and neither of us would feel as though we were going out of our way - it’s just marriage!

If your DH comments that your way of making a sandwich is lovely when he eats it, but doesn’t bother when he makes one, then he’s lazy. Doing the miserable bare minimum for your spouse is still lazy, even if it’s better than doing nothing.

But it's not about what you like?

I totally appreciate some people aren't that into food. But you don't have to be into food to make someone a sandwich the way someone else like, or serve them a fully cooked crumpet or fresh roll. If your cooking for someone you love, who's ill you would put care into it

Are you genuinely telling me if someone asked for a sandwich you would serve 2 bits of dry bread with a preslice of emmental in the middle? Even though they have told you they like ham, butter and chutney in it? And you don't understand why youve done wrong?

You really wouldn't notice that you'd put half a hot chocolate sachet in their cup? Or that there was no jam on the toast?

I feel like if you asked a class of 5 yos to make a sandwich they'd butter the bread and put the squash in first tbh.

I beg your pardon? How are my standards on “the floor” exactly?

That’s not what I said at all you’ve completely twisted my words to fit your own narrative there!

Where did I say that?

I agreed with the post telling you to raise your standards tbh. You are saying OP should be grateful for the pitiful bare minimum of care and effort, because some women don’t have even that. That does suggest that your bar is on the floor, and it’s sad.

My bar is on the floor because my husband is dead, wow that’s a new one….., even for MN that’s pretty low

I'm pretty particular about some foods but partner knows this and would accommodate it or else the face comes out!

I’m very sorry to hear that, but it really doesn’t affect the point being made. Other women being single/widowed/otherwise without support doesn’t mean women in relationships should be grateful for lazy, low-effort men. And your post implied that it did.

I totally get this.

When I've been recovering from surgery I want exactly what I want as it's a source of joy.

You have options

1. make it yourself
2. send it all back to the kitchen
3. highly detailed instructions at the start
4. meet in middle with something you like you can assemble, like a prepurchased platter of cold stuff etc.

I don’t think you’re fussy, or asking too much. We all have preferences. Ignoring how you like your crumpets is the same as giving you a cuppa without your milk/sugar to your liking. He either can’t be arsed or is being weird about his preferences being the only correct ones.

This an example of weaponised incompetence, he knows he could do the food better & nicer but can’t be arsed.

It’s just different ways for different people and he fixes it when you moan.

Dh likes loads of butter of everything and Im
more a slight tinge. When I prep food I often auto pilot but if I’m making it specifically just for him of course the bread cannot be seen under the butter but if I’m making 10 sandwiches I make them my way.

Just like he over salts everything so I don’t get him to salt my food.

Why have you got fresh and frozen bread rolls? I also wouldn’t butter a roll to go with soup. Don’t see the point.

This doesn’t make sense @LemaxObsessive

So all women should be grateful for having a man in their life, no matter what type of man?

Because you said 9/10 times he makes it wrong.