Am I being Fussy?

[Chexton]

I wanted an MN sense check on an ongoing argument I have with my DH. To be clear, this isn’t ‘LTB’ territory, he is generally a great Dad and has currently taken a few days off work to look after me as I had to go to A&E at the weekend.

BUT, our approach to food is quite different. I would say I’m a generous cook and perhaps a feeder whilst DH has a large appetite but has a very simple palette.

Examples: I will make a sandwich with lovely thick cut bread, spread, chutney, cheese, ham etc.
He will thaw a couple of slices of freezer bread, no spread, a bit of mayo and slab of cheese.

If I’m doing a crumpet I’ll defrost in the microwave first, heat in toaster, spread and bovril piping hot.
He’ll put it in the toaster so still cold in the middle, no spread and a thin layer of bovril.

He likes it how he likes it and I like it how I like it. However, when I ask for things the way I like it, he teases me that I’m being fussy.

I know this sounds like ‘my diamond shoes are too tight’ type complaining but since recovering I have had
-cold toast with half a teaspoon of jam on it
-nice soup with a massacred dry roll
-hot chocolate with only half the ‘hotel Chocolat’ packet in it as ‘it’s fine like that’
-a sandwich with literally a slice of pre cut Emmental in it

We have no money issues at all, his dad is very frugal and has simple tastes so he gets it from him but I’m so fed up of him thinking I’m fussy when I gently ask if he can heat something a little more or put some butter on a hot cross bun etc.

Surely everyone has spread on their sandwiches, likes toast hot etc? Or am I being unreasonable??

A race to the bottom! Be grateful Op that a man deigns to do anything at all for you, never mind the fact that it's second rate.

Who does the cooking for the family? Is he only cooking now because you’re recovering?

I think I'm you here! DH is wonderful but also seems to think its fine that butter isn't spread to the edges of toast - which means that you have a half inch section of dry toast. If this is pointed out, he will concede that it's not as nice, but he also always does it this way!

I tend to preface requests with, "I know I'm being particular but could you..." And he'll joke about "la-di-dah, with your fully buttered toast." We can both laugh about it, and I get the food the way I want. It's become a running joke. I suggest you make it yours and just accept that you are both part of life's rich tapestry.

This things are important to you so they're important.
He's obviously a genuinely loving partner because he took the time off to look after you. He just need reminding on your preferences.
We do this all the time, my DP has less milk in his coffee than me and sometimes I just automatically put more in, he reminds me, I tease him, remember for a while and then we repeat the whole cycle.

I think when you're feeling low, it's nice when someone goes the extra mile and shows that they care. Having food the way you like it can lift your spirits. I suppose if he's decent in every other way, then it's not a deal breaker. But I see where you're coming from..

I sympathise OP! My husband will also massacre the bread. And he will slice the cucumber wildly different sizes so it’s all very uneven as a sandwich. He poured a guest a glass of straight grenadine at a party.

Though, then I am happy to camp and wash in cold water but he needs a sensible bed and a 38C shower. I’ll stand on a train but he likes to know we have a seat near a luggage rack.

You're a food maximalist and he's a food minimalist.

Your food styles don't mesh. Ask him to squeeze some oil on or butter the roll and that's it. He's always going to revert back to his norm.

You might be but as long as you're not a massive twat about it, I think you're good! Everyone is fussy about some things aren't they!

If he hasn’t learned by now he probably isn’t going to. I don’t think your food choices are fancy or complex, he should be able to make you a sandwich or a drink the way you like it. Personally I’d find that unbearable, I’d rather make my own than have something that wasn’t right. it’s such a simple yet fundamental part of life.

No everyone does not have spread on their sandwiches, I like my toast lightly toasted not hot ,

i would try to remember but I couldn’t gauteenyee getting it right

But does he then actually do as you asked @GoldMerchant ?

Because the OP’s husband laughs and ignores her

Yes, this is absolutely us. The teasing is always in jest (he’ll call me Princess Chexton when I make these requests) but it does just make me sense check if I’m being completely unreasonable asking for things like butter to the edges. So petty but when it’s everything in the day, it gets a bit wearing

I think this is probably why I’ve written a thread today. Usually I do just sort my own out. If he’s doing lunch for us and DC he’ll just leave the bits out so I can make my own ‘my way’. Although he’s happy to cook, I often do dinner so I get something I enjoy rather than ‘minimalist’ cooking another poster coined it as.

But as he’s been waiting on me hand and foot ( I know, poor me!) he’s been bringing me every drink and piece of food and I feel so awful constantly ‘sending things back’ to the kitchen!

Tricky. Because it's not clear cut differences in how you like things but a difference in the level of fanciness. If it was something like you always have black coffee wirh two sugars and he only ever made you white coffee with no sugar that's clearly just not how you have it and he should remember.

But whether a sandwich needs to have multiple fillings and be on a specific type of bread; those are a lot of variables that could change every time you want a sandwich. If you were bothered that way about the specific preparation of your food I don't think it's unreasonable to be clear every time.

But as he’s been waiting on me hand and foot ( I know, poor me!) he’s been bringing me every drink and piece of food and I feel so awful constantly ‘sending things back’ to the kitchen!

So when you “send him back” does he at least then listen to you?

would say he’s not ignoring me but genuinely thinks it doesn’t taste that different or make that much difference

But you’ve told him it makes a difference to you. Multiple times. So, yes, he’s ignoring you. You really should be crossed about this and communicate that to him. Wanting your toast hot isn’t ‘fussy’, ffs. And, even if you were being fussy, so what? It’s minimal effort from him to make something you like. Why wouldn’t he want to do that? You ought to ask him.

Also, beside the point a bit, but I have no idea what we’re calling ‘spread’ in this context. Could you please clarify?

I feel like making a drink for your partner is quite a frequent occurance though?

I mean like Lurpak, spreadable butter.

Yes he does but it’s almost like he sees it as a onetime thing so doesn’t apply it with other things

For example with the soup and roll, he took them back and got another roll that was fresh, cut it nicely, buttered it thoroughly and brought it back up to me. But by the time he’s done that the soup was cold. At that point I just ate it as was veering on being ungrateful to keep asking for things redone!

Ops not asking for fancy things though

Her husband is serving her cold crumpets, cold toast not fully spread, a weak hot chocate, shitty cordial. A dry empty sandwich, and a dry microwaved roll!

It's just lazy shit food. You don't have to be foody to know a crumpet should be warm in the middle, or squash goes in before water. You don't have to be into food to ensure when making someone a sandwich it has butter in if they like it, or a decent quantity of jam

Yeah sometimes I might shove a cold slice of toast in my mouth but if I'm making it for someone I would spread the jam properly and make sure it was hot ffs

Yeah I don't know what spread is but if it's margarine I'd be absolutely horrified if it went near my sandwich!

It seems like as long as he doesn't expect you to make elaborate things for him, then I'd just not really ask for things like sandwiches or toast.

Some of the people on this thread have an odd mindset.

Of course her DH should be making an effort to make things the way she likes them. Regardless of his own feeling on the matter! He can have lukewarm soup and a stale dry microwaved roll if he likes it that way, why not?

But he knows (because he has been repeatedly told) that his wife likes it differently. He should make the extra effort!

It sounds like it is laziness if he actually enjoys the sandwich your way

It does matter. I like my tea made a certain way for example. DH likes his toast properly buttered right to the edge and the jam right to the edge .... I don't care as long as there is butter and topping and I'll cut my own burnt bits off. But if I've offered to make him something I'll do it the way he likes and vice versa.

I'm more slapdash than he is...and I'll cut corners if it's something I know he's not going to notice and I'm sure he does the same....

But yes, it does matter.

My partner is similar, but it's through being lazy for him. He just wants food to fill a hole, rather than be as good as it can be. Does seem to quite like my well thought out dinners though!