Child Custody AIBU

[Ialwaysthoughtitwasadojo]

I’ve got another thread running about my divorce, but this is more specific to arrangements for the kids.

My ex dropped the bombshell just before Christmas that he wanted to separate. He hasn’t moved out yet (I know that’s his legal right, but it's torture... a separate issue).

We’re about to start mediation to sort child arrangements and finances.
He is very keen on 50/50 everything. I’ve taken legal advice and my solicitor has advised me not to agree to that, as for a number of reasons it wouldn’t be fair or practical.

The main issue is his work. He’s a management consultant with extremely irregular hours. Sometimes he can work from home for 3–4 days or even a week. Other times he’s away in America, China, or across Europe. There is no predictable pattern.

His proposal is that when he’s working from home, he has the children — but that could mean:

• 1 night a week
• 5 nights a week
• or sometimes very little at all

He also works weekends fairly often due to travel. We’ve previously gone 7 weekends in a row where he wasn’t around at all.
I’m worried this would mean the children have no routine, and that I’d effectively be the default parent whenever he’s travelling — but still expected to agree to “50/50” on paper.
So my question is: what would a court actually be likely to do here?
Would they really enforce 50/50 when one parent’s availability is this unpredictable? Or is it more realistic that they’d prioritise stability and routine for the kids?
AIBU to think 50/50 just isn’t workable in these circumstances?

They're not going to give him 50 50 when he can't commit to being around at all.

Thanks for your reply, he seems to think they would as he can show that he can have them 50% of the time, and he can give notice then that's enough! But it would mean me picking up the slack to completely fit around his life, and it would be all over the place.

They wont give him 50:50 with a work pattern like that, not a chance. Children need stability the courts wont agree with him.

He's in cloud cuckoo land. No one is going to see that as reasonable for the children involved.

So he is expecting you just work your life around him?! How would that work if you work also? This would be like you supporting his career as if you were married.

How is he having them 50% of the time if he expects you to take them when he's working?! Does he know what 50/50 means?
If he was granted 50/50 he would have to pay for childcare while he was working, whether that was several nights and days in a row or not! Obviously that absurd when you're available, so he would never be granted 50/50. What he's suggesting is nothing like 50/50.

Courts look at what’s best for the children and consistency is what’s best. So regular weekends, set nights after school etc. occasional agreed changes are fine but this sounds like it would be all over the place all of the time.

Are you sure it’s that simple? He could a) reorganise his work and b) hire a nanny.

I’m not sure we can be confident he would be denied 50:50 by a judge. I do think you need to start building evidence to throw everything at this, but he will do the same.

do you have any idea how these arrangements are to be agreed (by yourself, with mediation, by solicitor?)

I’ve been through this. The mediation will not let this be put forward as a suggestion. 50 percent isn’t enough not needs to be a secure routine so he jasnt a chance. We ended up with 70/30 in set days on a rolling two week basis.

You obviously wouldn’t agree to work around his 50% schedule and no one would expect you to. 50:50 is set out and you are only responsible for your pre agreed days.

as part of meditation get an entire year set out, with the agreement that it’s switched year on year. Half the ways, EOW, half the school holidays. That will be a key document for you.

Just be clear that you'd be delighted to have 50% of your time to yourself, during which you will not be available and he'll have to find and pay for childcare when working. Keep putting that in writing.

Surely the issue is the mediator doesn’t get to say whether or not things are put forward? If you can’t agree re mediation you may end up going to court to get a judge to decide

A court order would usually set out clear routine on which day each of you would have care. It can’t do that if his work schedule is unpredictable and he can’t commit to any set days in a given month - a court certainly wouldn’t order “X can have the children 50% of the time whenever he can fit that into his schedule.” If he intends to organise childcare and can demonstrate that, however, him being away won’t necessarily preclude an arrangement which gives him care during that time. Hopefully in mediation the mediator can assist him to realise the complexities, and that if he genuinely wants 50/50 then he needs to review his work arrangements and change them (or his job) to make it work.

What outcome are you hoping for? If his schedule is so wildly unpredictable and he isn’t going to commit to changing his work then you’re going to be picking up the slack regardless to some extent: he might on paper get e.g. every other weekend an half the holidays, but if he isn’t going to make himself available for those weekends and holidays, it’s going to fall on you.

Just be clear that you'd be delighted to have 50% of your time to yourself, during which you will not be available and he'll have to find and pay for childcare when working. Keep putting that in writing.

He can't re-organise his work, he HAS to be with the client on the day they need him, he's already asked for flexibility and they basically said find a new job.

Would a court give him 50/50, if some weeks that meant say 4 whole days with a nanny?

I have no idea how we'll make it work to be honest. He literally couldn't guarantee he's free on any days in February, but he COULD be home for an entire week, there's just no way of knowing.

So even if I say, ok you have Tue, Wed and every other weekend, for example, there's literally no saying that he'll even be here for those days.

So he wants to end the relationship but still have you working for free as his support human?

Thanks for this, the holidays will be key as he will hardly be able to have them at all! That will all fall on me.

I think he's expecting me to just look at his schedule, a few weeks before the month starts when he gets them, and just fit every single visit around that.

so he's expecting me to say 'Ok you have them that Tues, I'l have them that Wednesday, you have them Thursday...." then change the next week, then changed the next week...

He could get another job though.
You can’t be sure of anything. Don’t assume you know what he’s going to do next.

your question re the nanny really depends whether he is completely open and tells the judge that’s his plan. Which seems unlikely.

he appears to believe he can do 50:50. You need to be prepared to set out your evidence that he can’t.
But do bear in mind his position is very easily changed- you can highlight all the time he’s worked away and you’ve been the default parent but it’s relatively easy for him to fill this gap in future regardless of what happened in the past.

Yes, exactly this! It would mean me never being able to plan my life, or commit to weddings, working in London (I sometimes have to go in to see clients), or weekends away, or anything in advance at all.

Yes 😞And he doesn't want to move out any time soon, so I'm looking after all the pets (that he wanted), doing all the household tasks etc!

If he’s doing it to avoid paying child maintenance, maybe drop into the conversation that IF he needed that level of flexibility, which would impact your ability to commit to paid work (second evening job / weekend or night shifts) ask the mediator if spousal maintenance with pension contributions would be a consideration. Once he realises he will have to pay either way he might back down with the 50/50

This is good advice, thank you, I keep thinking he'll be reasonable, but actually his behaviour up to this point hasn't been great, so I need to be prepared for anything.

It’s a possibility

This is absolutely never going to happen. Even if it is 50:50 it won’t be a spontaneous arrangement