Child Custody AIBU

[Ialwaysthoughtitwasadojo]

I’ve got another thread running about my divorce, but this is more specific to arrangements for the kids.

My ex dropped the bombshell just before Christmas that he wanted to separate. He hasn’t moved out yet (I know that’s his legal right, but it's torture... a separate issue).

We’re about to start mediation to sort child arrangements and finances.
He is very keen on 50/50 everything. I’ve taken legal advice and my solicitor has advised me not to agree to that, as for a number of reasons it wouldn’t be fair or practical.

The main issue is his work. He’s a management consultant with extremely irregular hours. Sometimes he can work from home for 3–4 days or even a week. Other times he’s away in America, China, or across Europe. There is no predictable pattern.

His proposal is that when he’s working from home, he has the children — but that could mean:

• 1 night a week
• 5 nights a week
• or sometimes very little at all

He also works weekends fairly often due to travel. We’ve previously gone 7 weekends in a row where he wasn’t around at all.
I’m worried this would mean the children have no routine, and that I’d effectively be the default parent whenever he’s travelling — but still expected to agree to “50/50” on paper.
So my question is: what would a court actually be likely to do here?
Would they really enforce 50/50 when one parent’s availability is this unpredictable? Or is it more realistic that they’d prioritise stability and routine for the kids?
AIBU to think 50/50 just isn’t workable in these circumstances?

You can write to him via a solicitor's letter to ask how he would plan 50/50 with his non regular hours working around the kids. That way he will have to think that about what he would do without saying he will dump them on and you would have it documented through a formal process. Likely he won't be able to come up with a solution that doesn't involve you so would probably advised 50/50 wouldn't work. Courts love routine and stability.

Are you still doing his household tasks if so stop!

but no that is unworkable for you and your children

The solicitors letter holds no weight and costs money. I would do all of this- but through the mediator that’s already paid for/ arranged

@Tiswa suspect he barley has any household tasks- OP isn’t going to stop caring for the pets for example. Probably means just stopping don’t his laundry, he’s hardly likely to care about that and it doesn’t free up much time

Would you be able to do any of that even if he has less than 50/50 though?

Your mantra is going to be “…in the best interest of the children”!

Do a spreadsheet for the next year.

Not sure what would suit your children best eg 1 week in each home etc, but show him how often he’ll need to have the children to meet 50:50. Split up birthdays, mother’s/Father’s Day, Christmas, two weeks for a summer break etc…everything single thing detailed so he can see just what will be involved.

If he’s meant to have them, they are his responsibility. He CANNOT rely on you to take them. If he isn’t there he’ll need to pay for childcare.

Show him exactly what will be involved. If he’s not going to be around then you get 80:20 etc and he effectively pays you to parent on his behalf. Guessing he’s quite well paid with his works demands? If he’s going to trott off round the world, he needs you to look after his kids and he can swan in and Disney Dad when he’s in the country.

Show him what the future he’s chosen will look like and he’ll soon change his mind.

But at least I could prepare KNOWING the days I have them, and the days I don't. I could get my family to help with childcare for example, or I can say no and not let people down last minute.

He can say that he wants this insane amount of flexibility. You on the other hand don't have to offer it.
So you can say that you need to have an agreed schedule so you can plan childcare and your work commitments.

Regarding your question about the nanny, he can organise the care of the children the way he wants during his days. That could mean a nanny, grandparents...
So he could request 50:50 on the basis on a regular schedule, even if he is away part of the time.

He can't request 50:50 purely based on his work pattern with no clear structure, unless you agree to it.

Solicitors/mediation, it’s all expensive but the point is if he commits to one thing, then they go to court it won’t reflect well on him if he can’t stick to what he said earlier unless he’s making changes for the better.

I don’t know how much mediators get involved or advise on what his position would be on court.

A nanny is not the solution here at all. That would be shit for the children having to go back and forth and spend part of that time with a stranger (yes they are, it would take months to get settled).

He's doing this out of spite and to avoid maintenance. It would be fairer for the kids to stay with you and he has them for weekends / meals out when he is free, pencilled in in advance.

I hope you're not doing any of his washing/meals/cleaning? Pets - depending on what they are, and how emotionally attached you are...

The court's decision has to be in the children's best interests. 50:50 enables them to have a relationship with both parents, it isn't supposed to leave them building a relationship with a nanny when their other parent is available and willing to care for them. Always focus on their best interests as that is the legal test

The whole point of going to court for a CAO is to have an agreement that is clear and enforceable (in theory, at least), and because the parents can't sort it out themselves. The Court isn't going to agree to 50-50 if he can't commit to being available for his 50% of the time. And, your working to his convenience only works in the context of a relationship where you and your children are all benefiting from his job/earning potential. That relationship no longer exists, so you cannot and should not work around his convenience but the best interests of the children, and the demands of your respective jobs. You don't have to prop up his management consulting job!

50 50 means he commits to days/nights. If he has work then he employs a nanny. It is not your responsibility to slot around his life.

Mediation is significantly cheaper than a solicitor, and he’ll be in the room to discuss it and make agreements there and then.

if they reach an agreement via mediation it’ll be drawn up by their solicitors and signed off by a judge. Then it’s all over.

if they can’t agree in mediation it may have to go to court. Each hearing will cost tens of thousands.

He doesn't even need to respond to a solicitors letter, and that letter alone- which will play no part in future hearings- will likely cost £300-400.

You need to be able to earn money as well. That means you need to be able to secure consistent childcare during your parenting time. That won’t be remotely affordable with an ad hoc schedule.

if he wants 50/50, I would make him do a set schedule and he hires a nanny or two. It would be incredibly frustrating to not be with your children, but you need to be able to work and earn. Hopefully he will realize this is a bad plan, but if not you will still have a job.

Ive done the kind of work he does. Even if he has a rough schedule at the beginning of the month, it will change. Late nights are the norm. Last minute trips abroad that last for weeks are expected. The divorce rate was incredibly high. Many of the most successful men in the field lived in small flats with no plants and no pets so they could leave at the drop of a hat. Most women, like me, did the work for the career boost and then got out. It was amazing training but it’s not sustainable. There was no such thing as work life balance. Maybe it has changed since I was in, but I sincerely doubt it.

How old are the kids and how far will he be living away?

He’s taking the piss wanting them 50/50 - this is to get out of paying maintenance and to tell everyone what a great dad he is.

Tell him that you’re not going to agree to this and you need set days and times so that you can plan your life.

You’re not going to plan your life around his when you’re not together - that’s ridiculous!

If he needs to get a different job, then so be it. As mothers we can’t just get a job that requires extensive travel with no childcare.

I would suggest an initial EOW - pick them up Friday and take them to school Monday.
And perhaps 1 or 2 evenings during the week.
Tell him that it’s up to him to sort childcare during these times if he’s away.
Tell him you’ll be happy to revisit this in 6 months time if it’s not working.

I thought he couldn’t commit to certain days sorry

50:50 is reasonable but as others have said not on the basis of you simply work around him.

once he realises this he has a number of options:

he may agree to a fixed routine and then simply not have them when he is supposed to if he is working (and the courts cannot force him to take them, but you do need to make them available at that time).

this sort of thing would potentially fuck over your working arrangements.

he could organise that they go to granny or similar during fixed contact time if he is not about. This is reasonable and it would be a way forward for him.

maybe have a think about which option you would want and impact on your life.

This is absolutely my point- people drop out of these jobs all the time because they are (in many respects) shit jobs when you need to work them into real life.
You can’t rely on him never leaving consulting. Parents do everyday.
It’s a young persons game and the older people tend to be like your husband. People who don’t give a shit because there is a wife at home running life.

Similar situation here. My advice is to think what might be workable for you and the children and make a sensible proposal. Hopefully for this thread you'll get a range of ideas that will help you put something forward.

It clearly isn't going to be right for the children to live with the level of uncertainty and change that he is proposing and I would be astonished if a court agreed to it. However this is your chance to put forward a proposal that looks fair and will be manageable for the children and for you.

My arrangement isn't perfect but it has felt okay. My ex husband has fixed days each week when he has the children and fixed share of the holidays which rotate. If he can't have the children on those days then he just doesn't have the children it's down to him to try and organise his work around when he knows he will have the children. If he isn't going to have the children then I have them, so to enable me to plan and live some kind of a life he is supposed to tell me well in advance of any dates when he won't have the children. The reality is that he constantly tells me only at the last moment that he won't be having the children and in that sense this is less than ideal. But at least I always know a certainty when I will have the children on my days and in my holidays so we are able to plan ahead and make arrangements with family and the children have a degree of certainty about their life.

The downside of this arrangement is that for the purposes of child maintenance the CMS just look at the dates he has them in the court order. I don't have the energy to try and change this now and to some extent I feel is an unhealthy influence on the children anyway ( he is very domineering and narcissistic) so I sort of don't want to discourage him from going away. But in an ideal world the court order would be framed in a way that ensured you got a fair share of maintenance to reflect the actual amount of time he did have the children.

Good luck with it all I'm sorry it's a draining and exhausting process and it's really extra infuriating when they won't admit the reality of their job. My ex pushed and pushed for 50/50, he was awarded 30% to my 70. I think in reality he has them less than 10% of the time. I want the court case was over he lost interest in actually having the children, it was more about winning a battle for him

Evidence clearly when he is away. Mark on a calendar when he was away last year and anything you already know about this year. My divorce was 20 years ago and things have changed, but my ex stood in court and declared he had been sharing parenting , I was able to evidence that he'd been out of the country for around 6 months so there was no way he'd shared anything. One thing you have to do is remove all emotions. View it almost like a school timetable. Fill in when you have a fair idea he wouldn't be available, presumably hes going to be getting his February schedule soon. See what is achievable. Mediators and courts love a routine, stability, best interests of the children, status quo. They really don't like he said she said, I don't like you anymore etc etc so you really have to get your unemotional head firmly on your shoulders. Read solicitors letters like they are about a friend. Don't ever respond in the heat of the moment. Realise that solicitors write what they are paid to write. Use your solicitor wisely, they're not a counsellor, or a friend and the costs can rack up very quickly.
What arrangements have you made currently for him to have the children? I appreciate that you're still living in the same house, but start thinking about a routine for the situation you're in at the moment. Be that you agree x amount of days and then you go out and do something else during that time.

This is a good point- if he can’t commit to anything does that mean you will be trying to get 100% custody?

make sure you’re constantly with this. At the moment you’re presenting a person who can never reliably have the children in their custody- be that 50% or 5%.

This position won’t last because it’s incredibly unlikely anyone would agree to him having no custody. And presumably that’s not what he wants either.

Just to add I'm really lucky though to have a very flexible and family-friendly job which meant that whenever their dad goes away I just juggle my hours and do extra work when the children are in bed. I can see that this arrangement wouldn't be workable if you need a lot more predictability for work

Thanks for this, I don't even know what my opening offer should be in mediation, so this a useful starting point I feel.

He's so ADAMANT that 50/50 is the way to go, and keeps saying things like 'well we both want 50/50 don't we? that's what you'll agree isn't it?" it's wild that he thinks I'll just capitulate.