Child Custody AIBU

[Ialwaysthoughtitwasadojo]

I’ve got another thread running about my divorce, but this is more specific to arrangements for the kids.

My ex dropped the bombshell just before Christmas that he wanted to separate. He hasn’t moved out yet (I know that’s his legal right, but it's torture... a separate issue).

We’re about to start mediation to sort child arrangements and finances.
He is very keen on 50/50 everything. I’ve taken legal advice and my solicitor has advised me not to agree to that, as for a number of reasons it wouldn’t be fair or practical.

The main issue is his work. He’s a management consultant with extremely irregular hours. Sometimes he can work from home for 3–4 days or even a week. Other times he’s away in America, China, or across Europe. There is no predictable pattern.

His proposal is that when he’s working from home, he has the children — but that could mean:

• 1 night a week
• 5 nights a week
• or sometimes very little at all

He also works weekends fairly often due to travel. We’ve previously gone 7 weekends in a row where he wasn’t around at all.
I’m worried this would mean the children have no routine, and that I’d effectively be the default parent whenever he’s travelling — but still expected to agree to “50/50” on paper.
So my question is: what would a court actually be likely to do here?
Would they really enforce 50/50 when one parent’s availability is this unpredictable? Or is it more realistic that they’d prioritise stability and routine for the kids?
AIBU to think 50/50 just isn’t workable in these circumstances?

It doesn't matter what he thinks/says. Just put forward a proposal that you think works and back it up with evidence that you have thought through it, and that it would work best for kids.

When he says 'you'll agree to 50/50' then say that will only work if it's a fixed schedule each week.

It's fine to juggle a partner's busy work schedule around your own when it's been agreed as a family and you are gaining from the high salary this brings in. It sounds like he expects you to juggle your life around him anyway without enjoying any of the financial gains to the household.

He sounds like a bully!

How old are the children?

Have you said to him, 'what do you think 50/50 will look like when you're hardly here?'

How would having a nanny work for him? Presumably he would have to have a contract specified days / hours a week

So he dropped the bombshell that he wanted to separate without getting his ducks in a row ie: securing a new job with a more child friendly schedule that would allow him a 50:50 custody arrangement?

How arrogant and entitled. You can stop doubting yourself now and stop taking his word for anything. He may think he is a smart management consultant calling the shots but he seriously lacks common sense.

If he requests a set structure of 50/50 (e.g every second week) and organises his own childcare to help him with this (nanny, grandparents, au pair), then yes, the courts would certainly consider his request.

If he thinks he can just split it with you ad hoc; he’s got very little chance.

Can I just say the nanny was something i mentioned (someone who doesn’t know him) and for nanny you can read “potential childcare”- au pair, grandparents, nanny or whatever. Alongside or without him changing his job and responsibilities

the point is, he can solve this. It’s not even massively hard, he just needs to develop a single parent plan. He would manage it if OP died, for example. It’s not as difficult as the main carer might view it.

@Ialwaysthoughtitwasadojo Instead of arguing with him about 50/50 I would say you agree but it has to be regular days/ weeks and it's what is best for the children that matters. Don't talk about how it impacts on you. If it comes to Court, they won't be interested in how it impacts you. It'll be what is in the best interests of the children.

Say that this will mean he will need to make ALL his own arrangements for childcare, in the times it is needed when he is working late or is away, as you will not be working around his schedule. Be clear that you will not be doing ad hoc care when he hasn't got cover for them at the last minute. Again stress that is what is best for the kids - and see what his reaction is. My bet will be that he'll change his mind.

You are NOT responsible any more for fitting around his schedules. Please try to stop thinking like that, as you clearly still are.

securing a new job with a more child friendly schedule that would allow him a 50:50 custody arrangement?

he doesn’t need to do that until he needs to. It’s fairly sensible to stay in the higher paying job as long as possible and change when you need to.

He would need 2 employees at least because 1 person couldn’t cover that schedule with the overnights. They would have to be on call so he would need to pay them whether he needed them or not. It would be extraordinarily expensive.

I have known people in management consulting who could afford it. If he makes enough, he could do it out of spite. It’s not in his children’s best interest though.

If he won’t change jobs, he should be an EOW type of dad and ask for extra days here and there without counting them against the child support calculation. It would be cheaper and better for the children.

You're right, I still am VERY much in the mind set of fitting around him.

He hands me his schedule every month, as he always has done, and I am just expected to fit around it still.

I can't wait for mediation and actual lawyers to get involved to actually sort this out properly. I hate living with him, I hate the fact he isn't interested in moving out and isn't making any plans, and I hate the fact I'm still facilitating his life, and at his beck and call!

This is the best solution for you
You should also rehome his pets if he doesn't arrange pet care when he's at work.
at the moment you are allowing him to treat you like (an unpaid) employee / personal assistant

What’s happening with the house, is he going to pay the mortgage, or are you going to buy him out?

he’ll be expected to buy a house big enough to have the children (he’ll probably do that anyway but the comment about the crash lad flat made me think)

I would come to mediation with a few fair 50/50 residency plans that you would consider and that are regular and reasonable . Eg

(1) 1 week dad , 1 week mum

(2) 2 week pattern :
mum M, w, f, Dad tu, th, sat sun
Dad. M w f. Mum tu, th, sat, sun

( 3 )2 week pattern
mum mon tues weds Thurs. dad fri Sat sun
dad mon tues weds Thurs. mum fri Sat sun

include Christmas, Easter dnd birthday snd mothers / Father’s Day provisions (or any other festivals you celebrate) as well as school / summer holiday plans.

if he then tries to imply you can just work around his work etc you say no - it’s not in the best interests of children - that they need to have a set pattern that you both stick to using child care if necessary (paid for by whoever’s time it is ) and you are happy to consider a set plan of his design but that ‘as hoc 50/50’ is not in their best interests.

he wants his cake and to eat it too - he wants to separate but still have you doing everything and fl aim he is a 50/50 dad to get out of paying / doing things. Absolutely no way do you agree to this.

I think I need to go into bat with either,

1. 100% custody but we sit down at the beginning of the month and plan his days, but then at least I'm getting the CMS to compensate for being his on call nanny
   or

2. EOW and 2 nights a week, but accept he might not be there on any of the days, but he'll just have to pick up the slack with his family/a babysitter?

Thanks so much for this.

He wants the house, so wants to buy me out. I want this house as the kids who are 6 and 10, are used to being here with me on our own, a lot!

So it's stability for them.

Tell him you want him to have EOW and then one night during the week. That you won’t even consider 50:50 whilst his work is so variable. Point out that paying for a nanny is going to cost more than paying child support.

This is so crazy that I would find it hard not to laugh in his face.

I would also offer a further pattern where he just has them every other weekend and doesn't have any week nights. Because the reality is a lot of men will get a 50/50 pattern " on paper " and then not actually stick to it in reality

Why would any new job not be as high paying? I recently moved to a new higher paid and better benefits role in preparation for a possible marriage split. Ive left a job i loved and gone to FT from PT but with flexibility so that i could make being a single parent work. Because I am
not so entitled that i think the world revolves me alone and preparing for my kids future at a time that will already be stressful is more important than anything. OPs DH is far too selfish to consider change.

I would also be keeping hold of the schedules he has been handing you, as these are evidence that he can’t cover a 50:50 split.

If you could sort it amicably then I agree that you having 100% custody & being flexible on the days he sees them would be best for the children.

He hands me his schedule every month, as he always has done, and I am just expected to fit around it still.

He probably thinks that's him doing 50/50!

Sure it might be just as high paying or more. However I don’t think it makes any difference that he hasn’t done it on advance of separating.

OP I wouldn’t offer to work around his days for access even with 100% custody and some CMS- how will you work a job with this unpredictability?

Plus I’d be really worried he would reneg on CMS and revert to the whatever CMS decide he needs to pay

It is - but I think he will find that hiring a Nanny to provide full time 24/7 hour care for the weeks he is away will be exorbitantly expensive - and next to impossible. I suspect a Judge would find that plan laughable too.

I think in mediation you should set out the costs of FT professional child care (I’d call a few nanny agencies to find out if they provide this sort of cover and the costs) and make him realise that it will be cheaper and less stressful for him to simply accept that he is going to have to cough up until they are 18 and in return you have FT custody with [reasonable] flexible arrangements over access to the children on weekends and holidays when his work schedule has a window.

In mediation you need to ask what his living arrangements will likely be - ie is he expecting you to sell the house, split the proceeds down the middle, you to downsize with the kids and he to buy a house with 3 beds to accommodate them near the schools, given he is never there? And will he be able to by in their schools catchment areas? He might come to realise in mediation that if you got 70% of the house, and it remained the DCs primary home, he’d rather get a 2 bed flat somewhere close to his work with bunkbeds for the kids occasional stays … and that this makes more sense than uprooting them and forcing a sale on the house.

If he wants a nanny to support his worklife, he’ll actually need a BIGGER house as there would need to be a room for her to stay in when he is away. Nanny’s also don’t do housework or parents laundry, or cook and shop for parents, just the children - he’ll need a cleaner/laundry service and to take care of food shopping for himself. Technically, even if he is in Singapore, if there is an emergency [medical for example] and she is employed by him, he will need to come home. If she is taken sick, he will have to liaise with a nancy agency to get emergency cover and this may - again - means he has to come home from wherever he is to arrange as it is not the sick nanny’s job. If the boiler breaks down, it’s not her job to sort it. If the roof leaks while he is away, it’s not her job to deal with it. It’s not her job to take them shoe shopping or even to take them to the dentist or GP. Her contract will not be with you so she will have to liaise with him on all matters relating to the children. . Obviously the school and hospital can call you … [I’m not over thinking, but DH and I explored all this when deciding whether I would go back to work.]

TBH I suspect he has not considered a single aspect of what sharing care for his DCs involves other than trying to avoid having to pay a monthly allowance to you. Make sure the practicalities are spelled out in those mediation meetings.

I think you countering with a more sensible suggestion would make sense at this point. Eg every other weekend plus Wednesday overnight however (to make you the good guy) he’s welcome to switch days or add a day if his working schedule doesn’t allow for this with 2 weeks notice plus half of school holidays are his responsibility, if he can’t manage them due to work he needs to fund childcare