Child Custody AIBU

[Ialwaysthoughtitwasadojo]

I’ve got another thread running about my divorce, but this is more specific to arrangements for the kids.

My ex dropped the bombshell just before Christmas that he wanted to separate. He hasn’t moved out yet (I know that’s his legal right, but it's torture... a separate issue).

We’re about to start mediation to sort child arrangements and finances.
He is very keen on 50/50 everything. I’ve taken legal advice and my solicitor has advised me not to agree to that, as for a number of reasons it wouldn’t be fair or practical.

The main issue is his work. He’s a management consultant with extremely irregular hours. Sometimes he can work from home for 3–4 days or even a week. Other times he’s away in America, China, or across Europe. There is no predictable pattern.

His proposal is that when he’s working from home, he has the children — but that could mean:

• 1 night a week
• 5 nights a week
• or sometimes very little at all

He also works weekends fairly often due to travel. We’ve previously gone 7 weekends in a row where he wasn’t around at all.
I’m worried this would mean the children have no routine, and that I’d effectively be the default parent whenever he’s travelling — but still expected to agree to “50/50” on paper.
So my question is: what would a court actually be likely to do here?
Would they really enforce 50/50 when one parent’s availability is this unpredictable? Or is it more realistic that they’d prioritise stability and routine for the kids?
AIBU to think 50/50 just isn’t workable in these circumstances?

No advice but wanted to say I wish you the best ❤️

Also, what on earth is management consulting? I’m quite intrigued!

Thank you! He goes into businesses and basically tells them how to improve, he used to specialise in finance but now does cyber, he gets paid very well for it!

This is my fear, he'll agree to something and the at the last minute I'll just be expected to drop everything because he's delayed coming home, like I have done for the past 10 years.

The mediator is there to help you put forward a plan that works for both party’s. My ex wanted 50 50 but wanted me to do pick up and drop off on his days because he wasn’t able and didn’t want to pay for childcare. It wasn’t going to work and the mediator was very good and laying down exactly what this looked like. She was fair and not in the least bit one sided. She made it clear we were there to come to an agreement acceptable to everyone.
if he insists then yes it will go to court but his legal rep if they are worth their salt wil advise against it.

He has never appreciated just what I've done, the mental load I've carried and how lucky he's been to have someone with TOTAL flexibility in their role. it's going to be refreshing when (hopefully), he's sat in front of a mediator/solicitor/judge who DOES understand.

That's good to hear, so what happened in your case? if you don't mind me asking!

Your other thread popped up on my trending today OP and I had a read.

It’s all so ridiculous. Are you sure he hasn’t got another woman lined up to take care of the kids during “his time”
with them?

Thanks- I can't see the wood for the trees at the moment!

I really don't think he does have someone else! It would make sense if he did. But he rarely goes anywhere that isn't work, and I've given him plenty of opportunities to tell me the truth. Even when he doesn't have the kids he goes to his brothers, and I know he's there as his brother and I still get on, and he'll reference it.

I think I would suggest thinking through all these options, writing down the pros and cons of all of them for both you and for the kids and then suggest a selection of them:

1. You have 100% custody but will be flexible (within reason) to facilitate some contact.
2. Every other weekend
3. Every other weekend + one night after school but without having them overnight
4. Every other weekend + one week night
5. 50/50 You have them Monday and Tuesday nights. He has them Wednesday and Thursday nights. Then Fri-Sun is split every other weekend. So sometimes kids are with you 5 nights and sometimes 2 nights, but you always know you don't have them Wednesday and Thursday and he always knows he can travel for work Monday/Tuesday.
6. 50/50 one week on one week off.

I can totally see why you don't want to do 50/50 and I can see why you might be tempted not to even offer it - because if they're going to be stuck in paid childcare instead of with a parent it might be quite unfair for the children.

I think I would also struggle with the fact that if I stopped facilitating his unreasonable demands, I would probably end up feeling like that was unfair on the children. Ultimately that's not actually true, as it would be him who wasn't being fair on the children, but I think I would have to think through that and create some techniques for myself to allow myself to manage those feelings sensibly.

Your last paragraph really sums up how I feel! I feel like I'm being unreasonable to him, by not just giving in, but I really need to change my mind set on this.

I don’t know if anyone else has mentioned it but keep a diary of his working pattern to show how little he is available, and ask what arrangements he would make for when he isn’t available. Then ask how he thinks that particular arrangement would be in the DCs’ best interests compared to them being with you.

Reasonable custody would give you main custody. Its better if you can sort this out of court.

I struggled with this too initially - just remind yourself that HE is the one who is being unreasonable and unfair to the kids, not you, and there is a limit to what you can do to protect them. You need to prepare them, but it takes two adults to make sure children get to have their childhood, and if he is not doing his part, there is a limit to what you can do by yourself. He needs to bear the consequences of his decisions and actions (personally and professionally). You can't act as buffer any more. He doesn't get that benefit once the relationship is over.

Are you still looking for a solicitor? If yes, DM me.

I think he’s in for a bit of a shock. The reality is the children need consistency and they’re not going to get that with shared care when at least one parent has a job with work patterns like he has. It’s just not in their best interests.

That aside, given his job and its demands, how much day to day care does he/has he done up til now? My guess is not equal to you. The cynic in me is going to assume he wants 50/50 to avoid paying child support and sorry, that’s not a good enough reason for him to get his way.

He can think what he likes. 🤣

Even if you did a week on and a week off - he would have to organise his childcare for when he isn’t there. And by organise I mean not you. He would have to pay a nanny and overnights for his time.

If you have a job and the children need continuity you need to be clear that it is fine if he wants 50/50 but it is one week on and one week off and he is 100% responsible for them during his week and weekend and then vice versa.

I would suggest that if he won’t commit to that - that residency and custody is yours and he has them two weekends a month that you agree 6 weeks in advance.

the court is only going to make you fit around him if you give so start now keeping a log of everything you do.

The more nights he has the less he pays in child support.

It’s called parenting he has to parent. You have your own life and when the children aren’t with you - you will have your own stuff to do.

My ex said he wanted the children then it was 50/50 and he ended up with every other weekend and 50% of holidays

9 years ago My ex got every other weekend but I had to fit around his rota. It was fucking infuriating because I couldn’t take on a weekend job or anything because I was at his beck and call for when he would have the kids. The barrister I had said it was a poor outcome so hopefully that means it’s less common for others.

Definitely see a mediator with regards to 50/50.

Also please stop doing any washing, ironing etc for him if you haven't already.

sorry to hear that, I understand completely how annoying it is that they always come first.

So if he couldn't do it, you just had to have them? And then when he could have them, you just had to agree?

I am no longer doing any washing for him, I'm still cooking because we're still doing joint food bills and so on, and to be fair he is doing half the cooking too... it's very strange and I can't wait to have my own space.

Thanks for this, I do have a log. His work also really ramps up now, in the summer months he's away loads, he worked 7 weekends in a row!

Is your ex an irregular worker as well? I have a friend who went through a divorce from a pilot and he's got EOW and that's it! He has to use childcare to even cover that.

So you plan your life around his work commitments. No!

Do you work op? Any arrangements needs to work for you too ... especially if you are going to change/take up employment

“yes dear, of course we should share the children 50/50. I will have them for 7 days starting Sunday 18th January and you collect them from mine on Sunday 25th at 5pm. Swap over will be every Sunday at 5pm. I’m sure you can find childcare if you’re away in the week you’re down to have them, but it won’t be me.”

I’d be fighting him all the way re 50-50. So he pays no maintenance and you could still end up doing 100% childcare as he is away. Nope.

He will have to book his annual leave during the school holidays ... all of them.

Medication seems necessary. Maybe when I neutral person explains to him that 50/50 isn’t just when it suits him it might sink in. And that when the children are on his time they are totally his responsibility.
I do know someone who did totally flexible care with her ex but they were still friends and went on holiday together.