Child Custody AIBU

[Ialwaysthoughtitwasadojo]

I’ve got another thread running about my divorce, but this is more specific to arrangements for the kids.

My ex dropped the bombshell just before Christmas that he wanted to separate. He hasn’t moved out yet (I know that’s his legal right, but it's torture... a separate issue).

We’re about to start mediation to sort child arrangements and finances.
He is very keen on 50/50 everything. I’ve taken legal advice and my solicitor has advised me not to agree to that, as for a number of reasons it wouldn’t be fair or practical.

The main issue is his work. He’s a management consultant with extremely irregular hours. Sometimes he can work from home for 3–4 days or even a week. Other times he’s away in America, China, or across Europe. There is no predictable pattern.

His proposal is that when he’s working from home, he has the children — but that could mean:

• 1 night a week
• 5 nights a week
• or sometimes very little at all

He also works weekends fairly often due to travel. We’ve previously gone 7 weekends in a row where he wasn’t around at all.
I’m worried this would mean the children have no routine, and that I’d effectively be the default parent whenever he’s travelling — but still expected to agree to “50/50” on paper.
So my question is: what would a court actually be likely to do here?
Would they really enforce 50/50 when one parent’s availability is this unpredictable? Or is it more realistic that they’d prioritise stability and routine for the kids?
AIBU to think 50/50 just isn’t workable in these circumstances?

Have you kept a diary of his work schedule since you separated? If you can demonstrate that he hasn’t been available for anything like half the time during the past month or two it helps to explain to a mediator why 50 50 can’t work. Make sure that almost everything you say in the meeting is about the children and what is best for them.

He’s on a different planet lol!
has your career suffered because of his? Just a thought as he should be compensating
also, if you disagree to 50/50 and he gets a nanny (which will actually have to be 2 or 3 Nannie’s who are on very strange days / hours etc to fit around his weird schedule, so very unlikely, but would you actually like this set up? I’d be a bit unhappy thinking my kids are staying with a stranger for days on end

Have you ever said no? I suggest you say, no it’s not my day with the children you need to make alternative plans. This is what 50 50 will mean.

This is exactly what has happened with a close friend and her ex.

He is pretty successful, and is away a lot for work. The courts awarded them 50/50, because he was able to show the judge that if he had to work away childcare wouldn’t be a problem.

He hired a nanny, and could demonstrate that he could commit to alternate weeks, regardless of whether he would actually be present or not.

Exactly this. It's far too chaotic for the courts to agree to an adhoc parenting plan like this.

Courts want stability for children following divorce.

But his 50% of the time is not on a schedule that the other parent would be able to plan there life enough to work and provide for the children on their time. How would you work to any extent or even have a job that you could work this inflexible pattern to support yourself and your children on your time. You would need all childcare accounted for and paid for your end to cancel when he swans in for his time.
This is most unreasonable if he can’t do anything consistent or week on week off then he can’t expect you to still facilitate his work schedule after you have separated.

Luckily his company send out the schedule every month, so I've got dozens of them that simply show he isn't here.

Thanks for this, I am nervous because he is claiming he's going to get a lot of notice moving forward. He reckons that's enough for me to just fit around him.

Jeez this is so sad for the kid to spend loads of time with a Nanny instead of an actual parent! I never thought I'd be here, I thought I'd always be around my kids all the time, not potentially losing them to a nanny!

Mediation- stupid auto correct

The CAO I have expects us to sort out our holiday-sharing schedule for the year at the start of the school year. And, this has provided great clarity and predictability for me and the DC. That's the kind of notice we are talking about (not one or two months). Stand firm on this. The kids need predictable routines, You need to some predictability around your own work/leisure time. If he can't offer that then the custody arrangement and child maintenance reflects that. You do not and should not bend to his will (and convenience)!

Why yes, he can share 50/50, but it will be up to him to arrange childcare etc when he is away or working on HIS weekends as you won't be picking up the slack on HIS time. His problem, he finds a solution. I bet when you tell him that bluntly, he will no longer seek 50/50.

I've only ever seen this happen when there is "implacable hostility" between parents in fairness - where the court thinks the child will be better off with mum for a week then clean switch to dad / nanny for a week, rather than caught between warring parents who are forced to communicate with each other constantly to make arrangements. Not saying that's necessarily what's happened with @Cherry8809's friend, just what I've seen.

but why it is up to you? Why it is a you issue I think you need to push back that you need to be able to move forward and further your working career and you cannot have that fitting around his schedule. If he wants it to be 50/50 you need the opportunity to put your career needs first in order to support yourself and your career choices so need a fixed set out schedule in order to do so.

You will not continue to be at the behest of his schedule and work around it as that is no longer your responsibility.

because it isn’t OP you would be sacrificing still to make it work for him and that is no longer your role in his life

Thanks for this! I find solicitors advice so far has very much been 'well what do you want?', I want someone to tell me what the best practice is in this scenario! You've all been really helpful for me to understand what I should ask for moving forward.

Thanks so much for this, so many people in real life I have spoken to don't have ex-husbands with random shift patterns, nearly everyone has 50/50, but that's because they both work 9-5. So your advice is very helpful.

I would love that kind of notice for the summer hols! I haven't had that in 10 years. Did a solicitor advise you to do that? Were they any good? I'm trying to find one that understands the nuance of separating from someone who can never guarantee when they'll work.

I have an ex that insisted that (his) work came first and he could never commit to anything beforehand, and I had to be ready to fit around his schedule. And, I was also, by long habit, primed to do this (as you appear to be). So, I really did need to give myself a shake and prioritize predictability and certainty for DC and myself. [To be fair to ex, though, he didn't ask for 50-50 - he had the sense to know that wouldn't work].

His random shift patterns are not an inevitability you need to work around. The court's primary concern here will be that the DC need predictability, routine and consistency. If he cannot control his random shift patterns, he doesn't get them 50-50. The fact that he is asking for this when his work patterns and arrangements don't allow for it suggests a lack of thinking regarding the DC that will not go down well. And, yes, my solicitor advised me and they were excellent. They are London-based but all interactions were over zoom, and for court appearances the Barrister you/they appoint and your solicitor will come travel to the local court. If you want details, PM me.

My ex is a teacher. But he wouldn’t commit at weekends due to ‘training’ he is a cyclist not olympics he’s in his 40s. He wanted to decide on weekend or evening depending on weather, training, injury etc he he could have them. The judge said no. No to 50/50 he got every other weekend and was told if he didn’t turn up / he would lose it. Those working shifts patterns - you aren’t a paid employee you are a mother adult friend and someone with their own life. The only person I know where he was allowed to work shifts if someone whose wife picked up the slack and said have would in court.

I said to the judge we have independent parallel lives and he MUST tell me 6 weeks in advance if he can’t have the kids and judge agreed.

The court and you can say what happens if you were to die or be ill- he would have to step up and he needs to now. Week on and week off.

But in a way @Ialwaysthoughtitwasadojo you don’t need a solicitor to understand the nuance HE does. What you need is to set out that you want and need consistency and what he can commit to so you can start building your life again and have it all set out for the children.

He needs to put forward his case as to how he thinks HE can work it around his shifts - not you

it is not on you to put your life on hold to facilitate his anymore

I think PP have nailed it. Your stbex is not a surgeon. He's doing an office job albeit for clients. He could choose a less intensive job that requires less travel.
He either says he wants 50 50 and makes arrangements for his time. Or he acknowledges he can't and the maintenance agreement reflects this.
You do need to pay attention to your career and earning power so I would strongly suggest investing time and energy in your future not his

The courts will take your circumstances into account too. Ultimately if it does go to court you will need to make the case that his proposal for the parenting plan would be detrimental to the children and propose your own which would be more beneficial to them.

When dealing with custody agreements and parenting plans, the parent that is most child-focused will (generally, not always) succeed.

How does your ex-husband's work-life balance affect the children? Will the children be OK with making up their time with their dad for week blocks at a time and not see you?

@GotTheBluePeterBadge i think as well the case that his parenting plan renders her unable to get a job that works around his hours and therefore support herself with a 50/50 deal either

He clearly doesn’t get it that if you are no longer his wife then it’s no longer your role to facilitate his lifestyle or working arrangements.

OP, you have had some good and bad advice here. A few thoughts from me. I’m afraid I’m assuming you will end up going through Family Court due to his current attitude.

Never mention Child Maintenance Support, or more generally money, in Family Court proceedings. CMS should be calculated once the time spent with each parent is decided by a CAO (Child Arrangements Order) or by other agreement.

A previous poster is correct, your mantra should be ‘in the best interests of the children’.

‘Custody’ is an outdated wording/concept in England. If you go to Family Court for a CAO (Child Arrangements Order) you might want to ask for a ‘Live With Order’ within the CAO, based on your ability to give the children stability in their living and care arrangements (continuity of communications and organisation of School, Dr, Dentist, etc.). This would mean you are the resident parent/primary carer and would allow you to make decisions for the children, day to day.

The rest of the CAO would usually be regarding ‘Spending time with’. This is key because the whole point of ‘Spending Time With’ is about the non-resident’s custody/access/time with the children (not how much they pay the other parent). There are times when it is reasonable in children’s lives where they are cared for by people other than the non-resident parent during their ‘time with’ them but they would usually be the other parent’s ‘new’ partner or wife and in a family scenario. Sometimes grandparents or other relatives, but spending time with should be all about the children’s ‘quality time’ with the non-resident parent. If they choose to spend some of that time together with or have the children spend separate time with GPs as they would do in a regular family setting, then that’s OK but to use GPs or a nanny for long times when there is a resident parent willing and able to have the children would need to be in the best interests of the children. You need to be careful not to insist he never gives the children into the care of other people because there will be times when you too will have friends, relatives, formal carers (before and after school clubs), etc., have the children when they are having their time with you.

If he says he can have them for a specific time and one of them has a pre-arranged activity, club, party, sleepover then he needs to facilitate that. Don’t use the prior arrangement as an excuse not to let him have time with them. You have to deal with their social life so he should too.

By all means tell a Court you can be flexible to an extent with your work but there are times when you have to be away from the children. However, you are able to arrange that well in advance and have provision in place for them to be with known carers.

I could go on….

Thanks so much for your very comprehensive and helpful reply! If it’s all about the children’s stability, then I think I’ll be fine.

Whenever he does have them and I’m working he hardly ever takes them to their clubs or activities claiming they’re ’too tired’ or just outright forgetting.

He wouldn’t be able, even with help, to do 50/50 if they were off sick from school or in the holidays I’d love to see his plan for the summer!