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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

A gift that I need to pay to use?

804 replies

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 12:00

I'm unsure if I'm being ungrateful here, genuinely, as I do usually think it's the thought that counts. However, I can't see much thought has gone into the gifts that my dh bought me for Christmas and I'm feeling ungrateful and unreasonable, I want to bring it up with him as it has upset me, but if the consensus is that it's ok, I will just leave it and give my head a wobble.

For context, I am earning more than him currently but this is offset by the fact that I am the only one he has to buy presents for - I bought for the kids (he is their stepparent) , his parents, his nieces and nephews and obviously my own family as well.

I bought him a huge lego set that cost hundreds of pounds as he had heavily hinted at wanting it, some clothes, a custom handmade knife (he collects knives) a few other custom gifts that are related to his interests and a few generic type socks and posh snack gifts.

He got me a voucher worth £50 for an overnight stay (the place costs over £200 per night and only allows stays of minimum 2 nights, so I will meed to pay £350 minimum to use it), he has also told me this week we can use the voucher to go away for his birthday in a few weeks.

I also got a handmade mug, from a seller I saw at a craft market place, but the mug was nothing like any of the beautiful ones that were at the market, it was beige and plain, he told me he chose the cheapest one she sold as he doesn't think a mug is worth the prices that the other ones cost.

His other gift to me was a gift bag with a map of the local area, a few vintage postcards from local landmarks with messages written on and some unrelated photos of my kids printed out. He said he's going to arrange them on the coffee table and have some glass made to go over the top. This is something he's been talking about doing for months and never once have I expressed any interest in this nor was I told it was my Christmas present. Maybe I would feel a bit better about this if he had actually done it, not just a 'I will do this'.

He did buy me a lovely ring that I asked for, as a replacement for one that I lost earlier in the year, it wasn't expensive, less than £30 but I love it.

I am not difficult to buy for, I would have been thrilled with makeup, gig tickets, a nice dressing gown, even a voucher for a specific shop I like that I could use without having to spend my own money.

I feel like the worst partner for feeling so upset by this as he's clearly given it some thought but I don't really understand the table thing and I made it clear I had no interest in it when he initially brought it up. He feels like he's done really well and I wish I didn't feel so ungrateful.

OP posts:
FairKoala · 13/01/2026 08:26

Well you know what to get him for his birthday. Give him back the £50 voucher and add another £50 to it and tell him to book the stay himself

lonelylou09 · 13/01/2026 08:30

Having read some of the replies I wanted to add...when my O.H moved in with me and my DS who was 19/20 at the time we drifted along a bit with me paying everything as I already was doing. This being it was my house and everything was in my name and I was the one buying food ect.
Then when he officially moved in we talked and agreed that I would pay 2 thirds and he would pay one. My DS was still in college at that time and I was the one who suggested I pay the extra as it was my child.
Then my DS started full time work and started contributing. Fast forward to now and my DS moved away and we now split all household bills in half through a joint account.
I've stupidly ended up in similar situations throughout my life as had no self esteem and mental sadly sence that a mile away.
They don't change! I had to make the change and say...hang on this isn't right! Why am I paying for you? Also...urgh...huge turn off as that to me isn't a man!
As others have said what if your personal circumstances change and you are no longer able to do this? Is he going to help out? NO!
Is going to financially support you? NO!
Would he take on extra work to support your children? NO!
Get rid of him! Give him the voucher towards his first night stay outside of your home and set a better example for your children.
Otherwise in 20 years time you will see your DC doing the exact same..the boys with no respect for women and the girls taking this crap off every man whilst your grandchildren go without

ByKeenMintViper · 13/01/2026 08:54

I’d regift the voucher to him for his birthday and watch him pay the balance.

Fabulousdahlink · 13/01/2026 08:58

I'd say let's use it for my birthday...it'll save you £50 when you book it ! I've already made plans for.your birthday. (Then gift it back to him for his birthday. )

Omgblueskys · 13/01/2026 09:17

Op please come back and tell us what plans you have for his birthday, lots of advice here for you op, hope your still following the thread,

Asyoulikeit123 · 13/01/2026 09:44

Yes I’d be upset too, what was he thinking, sounds like the Lego is quite appropriate 🙄

time for a chat, sad that it has to be done, he obviously thinks he’s done well, so not sure what the outcome will be 💛

Welshmonster · 13/01/2026 09:55

He bought you a voucher to use for his birthday!!! Ummmm no. Use the voucher and go with a family member or friend and split the rest of the cost between you.

if you are able to afford the household stuff then he has zero expenses and you can afford to get rid of him. Stop buying him expensive gifts. Match your effort to his.

think what you could have bought your kids with the money from Lego set.

you know in your heart that you are not in a great relationship and whilst he might feel safe compared to your past partners, he’s also abusing you financially

he was single for 10 years for a reason

MuddyWellies7 · 13/01/2026 09:58

Give him back the £50 hotel voucher for his upcoming birthday and say you can’t wait for the two of you to go!

67eleven · 13/01/2026 10:04

If you're band 5 NHS your take home will be somewhere between £2,150 and £2,550. After paying all the bills that can't leave you with much for you and your DC. Plus you're missing out on single person discount for Council Tax.

Can you contact the person who makes the mugs and explain your situation, maybe they'd do a swap out if you pay the difference? (can you link to their site - I'm after a special daily mug as mine has a crack in the handle and has been repurposed as a make up brush and pencil holder).

The voucher sounds more like a place he wants to go to, give it back to him.

Raise the bar, you and your DC deserve better.

Atsocta · 13/01/2026 10:24

Just say thank you darling, how kind of you, and let him pay 😃 perhaps he intends too anyway ? Seems a lack of communication between you, just saying .

Hatty123 · 13/01/2026 10:50

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 13:37

I have posted about him before under a different username, things are not great in other areas either.
Overall, a not great relationship. He defends this as he was single for over 10 years before we got together and tells me 'you knew I'd be a rubbish partner'. I suppose I do have myself to blame for not acknowledging that.
It's actually become very clear to me this week that theres only so many times I can ask him to do better, in all different parts of our relationship. And if he was going to do better, he would have done it by now. I did try and leave him a little while ago but fell for a sob story.

You have your home and your kids. You will be no worse off without him and you will be financially Better off! Never mind emotionally and psychologically better off without this blatant manipulation. Time to ask him to leave and give him a couple of days deadline. If needs be take a day off work and put his stuff into boxes in the driveway. He isn’t adding to the lives of you or your children and think of the example he is setting for your kids as to what to expect from a relationship. You deserve to be happy. Hugs.

BookWorm7 · 13/01/2026 10:53

Please think about what you would say to a friend who was in the position you are in. This is more than than just the crappy Christmas presents, although they may have been what has caused you to look more at your situation. This man is living off of you and your Children. You say you don't expect him to contribute to your kids but he is actually stealing money from them by contributing nothing. Your bills will be so much higher due to having him in the house and this means that you have less money for your children than you would have if he wasn't there.

Please, you are worth more than this man who contributes nothing and already got his excuses in saying he'd be a rubbish partner so you will blame yourself when that is proved true. I know it's not easy with low self esteem but see about getting some therapy for yourself and also think about exactly what benefits your partner brings to your relationship. I know leaving isn't easy but could you do another 10 or 20 years with this level of ineptitude?

GlomOfNit · 13/01/2026 11:06

Oh OP. I've just read all your posts on this and I'm so sad for you. Can you afford to live along with your children if you sack him off? Maybe even downsize the house? Sad He is the very definition of a cocklodger. Are you actually married to him? Do you have any financial agreements in place regarding what would happen to the house if you split up?

abitgutted · 13/01/2026 11:18

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 13:14

Thanks for the posters who have replied without querying my self esteem ect. No I do not have great self esteem, my previous marriage was with a violent and unpredictable cocaine user who got us into huge amounts of debt, hence why I am happy to have entirely seperate finances now.

You don't have separate finances though : he has all of his ten fat fingers in your bank account. He takes from your account every single day, for the roof over his head, the warmth in his room, the food in his stomach.

He also now has a stake in your home should you throw him out. Oh, and he could take some of your pension in divorce.

You need to sit down and ask to see his pay slips. He needs to pay you a set amount every month. If you're feeling generous you could pay a bit more, as you have kids at home.

But no one EVER should be living for FREE.

Did you at least make a Will after you got married? If not, make one pronto.

I find it hard to believe that this is real, tbh. It's hard to imagine that anyone could be so much of a mug (Op) or that anyone would be so much of a scrounger (DH).

This is like the Dirty John scandal. Or one of those magazine articles you read, where Brenda, age 65, falls in love with Juan age 25, and they "fall in love"....quite unsurprisingly Juan is broke and Brenda pays for everything. Juan also has a mystery illness that means he can't shag Brenda, but that is miraculously cured when he cavorts with 25 year old tourists on the side.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 13/01/2026 11:32

tryingtobegrateful · 11/01/2026 13:24

Pretty sure. It's not a hotel as such, it's a log cabin lodge type place with no other facilities on site.

Sounds like a perfect present for him. He can take his knives with him

GloriaMonday · 13/01/2026 12:11

It doesn't look like the OP is coming back.

Smudgesmith · 13/01/2026 12:12

He's a tight arse and inconsiderate of you and your passions. Id be questioning why I'm with someone like that. Id give the voucher back to him for his birthday. Makes less effort for his birthday and next xmas if you're still together. Tell him if he wants to go to the hotel then he needs to stump up £x and that you feel hurt by his lack of effort. I send my husband ideas but hes sometimes surprised me, eg gig tickets for bruce springsteen or even this year small samples of jo malone perfume. Id also ask him for an amount to cover his families xmas presents. This could be 50%. My husband and I both get presents for family. He has 5 to buy for (not including me and our son) and I have 11 (not including him and our son) so he generally pays for maybe 2 of mine since he's their relative too and it evens out. This is sometimes a bank transfer and other times he will order. For our son, I tend to get the little bits and he gets the big present. The odd thing I'll send him the link and ask him to order. Id be more assertive, since he isn't.

therealduchess · 13/01/2026 12:26

Tadpolesinponds · 12/01/2026 22:13

So does your husband pay nothing at all towards your mortgage, utility bills or food? Does he keep his entire salary for himself while you pay for absolutely everything from your nothing special salary? And do you use your own money to buy presents for his entire family every Christmas while he buys nothing for anyone, including the children, expects you to spend hundreds on him and then buys you the cheapest mug?

No, you've got me there. We have fully joint finances so whats his is mine & vice versa. So, all spends come out of that account.

Brutalass · 13/01/2026 12:54

More 'thoughtless c*nt' than 'it's the thought that counts' if you ask me!

I'm afraid I wouldn't be guying gifts for his family, nor would I be spending such a lot on him either.

If he isn't incredible in other departments and pay's his way in other areas I'm afraid I just don't see the point of this relationship tbh. Strikes me it's very one way, and I know which direction I'd be sending him in!

HardyCrow · 13/01/2026 14:10

lonelylou09 · 13/01/2026 08:30

Having read some of the replies I wanted to add...when my O.H moved in with me and my DS who was 19/20 at the time we drifted along a bit with me paying everything as I already was doing. This being it was my house and everything was in my name and I was the one buying food ect.
Then when he officially moved in we talked and agreed that I would pay 2 thirds and he would pay one. My DS was still in college at that time and I was the one who suggested I pay the extra as it was my child.
Then my DS started full time work and started contributing. Fast forward to now and my DS moved away and we now split all household bills in half through a joint account.
I've stupidly ended up in similar situations throughout my life as had no self esteem and mental sadly sence that a mile away.
They don't change! I had to make the change and say...hang on this isn't right! Why am I paying for you? Also...urgh...huge turn off as that to me isn't a man!
As others have said what if your personal circumstances change and you are no longer able to do this? Is he going to help out? NO!
Is going to financially support you? NO!
Would he take on extra work to support your children? NO!
Get rid of him! Give him the voucher towards his first night stay outside of your home and set a better example for your children.
Otherwise in 20 years time you will see your DC doing the exact same..the boys with no respect for women and the girls taking this crap off every man whilst your grandchildren go without

This. Most definitely.

Dumpspirospero · 13/01/2026 14:21

He is crap at gift buying. My DH is crap at gift buying and I got some howlers over the years including an empty box on Christmas Day because “I know you like a surprise”.
Even when I sent specific links he managed to balls it up. He is not good with online shopping. He is wonderful in so many other ways, however.
When my daughter reached 17 she took over all gift shopping for me and has made up for lost time. I now get fabulous, thoughtful gifts. As she says “it’s not that he is tight. It’s just that he is clueless”. Not a great help for you, OP but perhaps gives some perspective. You are not alone. You should definitely raise it. Let him know, gently, how it makes you feel and ask how you avoid this disappointment going forward. Life is too short for disappointment every birthday and Christmas. Good luck. Wishing you great 🎁 going forward

Katflapkit · 14/01/2026 03:16

Dumpspirospero Do you really think you and your DH are setting a good example for your 17 year old daughter? 'Thoughtful' gifts from your DH are now her responsibility because your he can't be arsed. 'He's not good with online shopping', I bet he's an online Ninja when it's something he likes or wants.

You sound proud that he has used weaponised incompetence to pass gift buying to your daughter. 17 and doing the women's work already.

XiCi · 14/01/2026 07:17

Katflapkit · 14/01/2026 03:16

Dumpspirospero Do you really think you and your DH are setting a good example for your 17 year old daughter? 'Thoughtful' gifts from your DH are now her responsibility because your he can't be arsed. 'He's not good with online shopping', I bet he's an online Ninja when it's something he likes or wants.

You sound proud that he has used weaponised incompetence to pass gift buying to your daughter. 17 and doing the women's work already.

Exactly what I was thinking. What an absolute waste of space. Incapable of even following a specific link? Yeah ok 🙄. Strange how these men are perfectly capable at work and socially yet completely unable to perform a small act of kindness for their wife at Christmas or birthdays. The empty box thing is just spiteful.

GAJLY · 14/01/2026 08:07

Dumpspirospero · 13/01/2026 14:21

He is crap at gift buying. My DH is crap at gift buying and I got some howlers over the years including an empty box on Christmas Day because “I know you like a surprise”.
Even when I sent specific links he managed to balls it up. He is not good with online shopping. He is wonderful in so many other ways, however.
When my daughter reached 17 she took over all gift shopping for me and has made up for lost time. I now get fabulous, thoughtful gifts. As she says “it’s not that he is tight. It’s just that he is clueless”. Not a great help for you, OP but perhaps gives some perspective. You are not alone. You should definitely raise it. Let him know, gently, how it makes you feel and ask how you avoid this disappointment going forward. Life is too short for disappointment every birthday and Christmas. Good luck. Wishing you great 🎁 going forward

That’s terrible that your daughter gets used to buy presents on her father’s behalf. Your husband should be the one buying them, if not then he should send you the cash. I don’t believe that your husband cannot click on a link to buy something! I’m pretty sure that he manages to buys things for himself!!! Your poor daughter now thinks it’s normal that men cannot buy gifts and she has to do it all!

Flowersforyourchocolateprettyplease · 14/01/2026 08:52

Dumpspirospero · 13/01/2026 14:21

He is crap at gift buying. My DH is crap at gift buying and I got some howlers over the years including an empty box on Christmas Day because “I know you like a surprise”.
Even when I sent specific links he managed to balls it up. He is not good with online shopping. He is wonderful in so many other ways, however.
When my daughter reached 17 she took over all gift shopping for me and has made up for lost time. I now get fabulous, thoughtful gifts. As she says “it’s not that he is tight. It’s just that he is clueless”. Not a great help for you, OP but perhaps gives some perspective. You are not alone. You should definitely raise it. Let him know, gently, how it makes you feel and ask how you avoid this disappointment going forward. Life is too short for disappointment every birthday and Christmas. Good luck. Wishing you great 🎁 going forward

I know this seems like a solution, but what happens if/when she gets married and has kids?

She'll then be expected to buy presents for her family as well as for you, your DH, her siblings if any, her DH and possibly all his family too.

At 17, she should not be doing "Husband/wife work".

I have a DM who didn't know how to use the Internet and always had me order things for her.
I had enough of it, sent her links of all her favourite shops and stopped doing the shopping.

Of course she knew how to all along but couldn't be bothered.

Either your DH does it himself or he gives you the money and you get your own presents.