A gift that I need to pay to use?

[tryingtobegrateful]

I'm unsure if I'm being ungrateful here, genuinely, as I do usually think it's the thought that counts. However, I can't see much thought has gone into the gifts that my dh bought me for Christmas and I'm feeling ungrateful and unreasonable, I want to bring it up with him as it has upset me, but if the consensus is that it's ok, I will just leave it and give my head a wobble.

For context, I am earning more than him currently but this is offset by the fact that I am the only one he has to buy presents for - I bought for the kids (he is their stepparent) , his parents, his nieces and nephews and obviously my own family as well.

I bought him a huge lego set that cost hundreds of pounds as he had heavily hinted at wanting it, some clothes, a custom handmade knife (he collects knives) a few other custom gifts that are related to his interests and a few generic type socks and posh snack gifts.

He got me a voucher worth £50 for an overnight stay (the place costs over £200 per night and only allows stays of minimum 2 nights, so I will meed to pay £350 minimum to use it), he has also told me this week we can use the voucher to go away for his birthday in a few weeks.

I also got a handmade mug, from a seller I saw at a craft market place, but the mug was nothing like any of the beautiful ones that were at the market, it was beige and plain, he told me he chose the cheapest one she sold as he doesn't think a mug is worth the prices that the other ones cost.

His other gift to me was a gift bag with a map of the local area, a few vintage postcards from local landmarks with messages written on and some unrelated photos of my kids printed out. He said he's going to arrange them on the coffee table and have some glass made to go over the top. This is something he's been talking about doing for months and never once have I expressed any interest in this nor was I told it was my Christmas present. Maybe I would feel a bit better about this if he had actually done it, not just a 'I will do this'.

He did buy me a lovely ring that I asked for, as a replacement for one that I lost earlier in the year, it wasn't expensive, less than £30 but I love it.

I am not difficult to buy for, I would have been thrilled with makeup, gig tickets, a nice dressing gown, even a voucher for a specific shop I like that I could use without having to spend my own money.

I feel like the worst partner for feeling so upset by this as he's clearly given it some thought but I don't really understand the table thing and I made it clear I had no interest in it when he initially brought it up. He feels like he's done really well and I wish I didn't feel so ungrateful.

O.P I was going to post saying this sounds like my O.H who tries but always misses the mark with presents. Although have to say the last couple of years he has improved.
But to learn you have a cockwomble living with you at your expense needs addressing.
I'm sorry but you don't need a man living off you ....not contributing to household expenses when he lives there. That is basically taking money away from what should be spent on your children.
The bigger picture here is not the crappy presents but the fact that you have let him value you so little over all.
You deserve more.
Your children deserve more.
I'm sorry to be blunt but I've been there and even if you can't do it for yourself... please do it for your kids. He is taking you for a mug

For the op, there is no need to.settle.
You will probably be better off without him
I'm not sure I could respect a man who made intricate lego models.
I'm guessing you spent about £700 on him, plus presnts for his family
He spent fuck all in monetary or emotional terms on you.
Whilst presents shouldn't be entirely transactional, I'd love to know what percentage of your respective incomes you spent on each other.

FWIW my DH is rubbish at presents. For the last few decades, I've bought him something he says he wants or I think he should have and I tell him I have bought myself x for about the same amount and ask him to leave a cheque. He has been trained to buy me a bottle of L'Occitane bubble bath and handcream - they package it nicely and dd puts it in a gift bag for him.

£220 this year.

For his next gift, be it birthday or Father’s Day or whatever gift-giving day you choose, give him a Chia Pet.
Even my gift-hating dad liked his.

I would wrap the hotel voucher for his birthday...
Hes a selfish partner. I really hope he has redeeming qualities in other areas.
I know you didn't ask, but he should be paying for his food and electricity/heating he uses at your house. Freeloader.

As a young teen, I saw my mum in this kind of relationship and it really diminished my respect for her. Even as a grown woman, it makes me cringe to think she was happy to set that man as an example to her daughter of a relationship. Please, if only for the kid's sake, get rid of this absolute loser.
My 5 year old son gets Lego for Christmas, not the man I'm sleeping with. What an ick.

Modern marriages/ partnerships never cease to amaze me. Back in the mid 60's when we married we had a joint account and have been on that path ever since. Marriage is about working together, planning together, spending together. As i was able to do Supplu teaching whilst our children were small we were able to save this for treats and pay up front for appliances etc. It was agreed that we would both have a Post Office account and I would have the family allowance and his expenses for work would go into his which meant to had some cash for surprises. Its worked for the last 58 years. Gifts have been based on interests and not calculated fairness.!
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. Love always protects, always hopes, always perseveres.” [– 1 Corinthians 13:4-7]

Trust me OP when I say this and I have plenty of experience. The more you pay for a man the less respect he will have for you until he ends up despising you. They are wired to be like this.

His presence in your life is draining the money that you have for you and your children. The money you are spending on him and in supporting him could be going towards your life with them and their future. He needs to go. Forget about the voucher - throw it in the bin as it is valueless, or give it back to him if he thinks it’s worth something. The much bigger issue is to get rid of him.

I do not think you are being unreasonable at all! I would be fuming! Id tell him where to shove his voucher! The absoloute cheek of the whole thing and expecting to use it for his birthday is just unbelievable! Im sorry but he would not be in my life for much longer! What is wrong with these men that dont have any problem with taking but cant be arsed putting the same effort in and expect to benefit in some way if they actually do something for somebody else! Boils my P##s !

This! Seriously, preach somewhere else! You cant be patient and work at a marriage with a selfish loser!

I would regift him the voucher for his birthday and then come next Christmas just vito the couples gifts, or set a budget and both buy something you want to that value and wrap it up under the tree just so the kids see you involved too.
He doesnt have the gift giving capacity and that may just be the way he is.

This guy is using you.
That was not a gift for you - it was a way for him to get two expensive gifts from you. This doesn't happen by chance - he's a grifter.

My aunt had someone similar living with her (off of her) for 10 years until she was made redundant. He promptly left to return to his previous gf whom he married within 6 months and then retired to live off of her...
Once a user always a user.

I think you need to reset the finances on this relationship. I assume you are married? Is the house in just your name? I think he is selfish and I would give him the voucher back for his birthday given he suggests you going away with presumably you paying the extra £350?? No chance. Let him pay it.

I personally would consider what he brings to the marriage. If you love him then fair enough but I would struggle to love someone who is that self centred. I would dial back massively on presents in the future and let him buy his own parents and nieces/nephews. Or is it that you know he will not buy them anything? That quite honestly is his problem. Tell him in November you will not be buying his family presents and he can do it.

Your letting him use you and your making excuses for him! There is no point in asking for peoples opinions if your going to defend him and say that you love him. He will carry on with this behaviour because your accepting it. Only you can change the situation your in. If your happy to settle for a selfish thoughtless man and think its ok for your children to see this then thats your look out!

Dear OP, he sounds like an absolute pain, and more of a passenger than a partner. If you left him once, you can do it again, and this time stay firm in your resolve. He doesn't sound like he benefits your life much at all and if he isn't even your DCs father, then you really don't owe him anything at all.

He sounds like a cocklodging cheapskate wanker @tryingtobegrateful and you (and your kids) deserve better. I would ditch him and treat yourself to one of those spenny mugs you like to toast your freedom.

So does your husband pay nothing at all towards your mortgage, utility bills or food? Does he keep his entire salary for himself while you pay for absolutely everything from your nothing special salary? And do you use your own money to buy presents for his entire family every Christmas while he buys nothing for anyone, including the children, expects you to spend hundreds on him and then buys you the cheapest mug?

The voucher sounds like some thing his family gave to him. And he palmed it off on you as a birthday present. So you would pay and he gets a great birthday treat for free. I would take a friend and go then get him a £50 off voucher from one of those wine stores giving away vouchers. Give it to him on his birthday.

This man despises you and is openly using you at the expense of you and your children. He's not even paying for his own food, ffs. What do you think will happen if you get a serious medical condition? Or if you lose your job? He'll be gone in a second, probably helping himself to whatever he fancies from around the house as he leaves. He is only bringing you down. Why are you clinging on to the relationship? Can you get help from a friend or relative - someone to talk to about things? Or from a professional advisor or counsellor?

So he’s bought you a really shit present that you’ll actually have to pay to use and now he’s telling you that you’ll have to use it for his birthday. So it’s effectively him getting the birthday treat he wants and you getting eff all except a whopping expense. And you’re defending him why? He’s clearly planned this for his own gain. The only way to prove it is by saying you’ve already planned to use it with your mother/sister/best friend since it’s your gift, and watch his reaction. This is selfish behaviour in the extreme. Stop feeling bad. That’s his job.

Keep that voucher OP and regift it to him for his upcoming birthday. If he gets upset ask him why? Why a shit gift is ok for you but not for him. Buy yourself one of the the lovely mugs you saw at the craft fayre and make a point of using it everyday. Let him see how much you would have loved that gift. Do not get him anything else for his birthday except that stupid gift voucher. He needs to up his game. Stop buying for his parents and nieces and nephews. Let him sort them himself.

I'm going to take a slightly different view and no doubt I'll get mashed for it. I do agree, though, that you've got to stop babying him and taking on all the gift buying.

But on to the main problem. Some men are really bad at gift giving - they choose inappropriate or tacky stuff, fully believing they're doing a great job. The coffee table thing, for example? In his head, it will be a personalised item and "making" it himself is some kind of "value added tax" lol.

He's dropped a massive clanger on the £50 voucher, though. You will have to bring it up and go through exactly why it totally sucks as a gift. I would very overtly be making the assumption (out loud) that the voucher is just the deposit and of vourse he'll be payingvthe rest! How kind of him and will he need a bit of time to save up the rest. Wink wink!

All theories and possible remedies aside, though, won't learn if you don't give him some judicial tips and pointers. And possibly a thick ear 😆.

In my head, I'd be weighing up whether he's just very bad at gifts or a thoughtless twat. (I got bathroom scales with a calorie counting guide one Xmas ; even worse, he gave me a Pan book of horror stories after I'd given birth to our first baby!)

Either way, it needs addressing - good luck and, er, just a thought.... you really need to start dreaming up some hilarious presents for him; Id be extremely creative in future. X

I just don't understand the posters who think this is all about the presents or lack of presents. The problem is so much bigger than that. He knows what he's doing and there's no coming back from that. No man who loves his wife would expect her to finance his entire life (despite having a salary). A less stupid man would at least buy her nice presents, if he wanted the grift to continue. But he can't bring himself to do so.

You are not being unreasonable: This is so bad. It’s a real cheek and a lousy gift given how much you’d need to add to it in order to use it. If you do end up using it I’d absolutely go with another family member or friend. If I had to pay 300 quid to use it I certainly wouldn’t be paying for him to go for his birthday !

I have posted this several times since Christmas. If he can research knives and car parts, he can get you a decent present.

https://open.substack.com/pub/rachelhewitt/p/why-are-some-men-so-bad-at-gift-giving

"He's telling you loud and clear that he's not prepared to expend any resources - any time, any energy, any mental capacity, any money - on getting to know you, on seeing you as you really are, on enhancing your happiness or on recognising your value. This Christmas don't let anyone tell you that this isn't a big deal."

I've just checked and sadly the post is now for paying subscribers, but I hope my extract helps you see that he is not returning your obvious thought and care for him.