A gift that I need to pay to use?

[tryingtobegrateful]

I'm unsure if I'm being ungrateful here, genuinely, as I do usually think it's the thought that counts. However, I can't see much thought has gone into the gifts that my dh bought me for Christmas and I'm feeling ungrateful and unreasonable, I want to bring it up with him as it has upset me, but if the consensus is that it's ok, I will just leave it and give my head a wobble.

For context, I am earning more than him currently but this is offset by the fact that I am the only one he has to buy presents for - I bought for the kids (he is their stepparent) , his parents, his nieces and nephews and obviously my own family as well.

I bought him a huge lego set that cost hundreds of pounds as he had heavily hinted at wanting it, some clothes, a custom handmade knife (he collects knives) a few other custom gifts that are related to his interests and a few generic type socks and posh snack gifts.

He got me a voucher worth £50 for an overnight stay (the place costs over £200 per night and only allows stays of minimum 2 nights, so I will meed to pay £350 minimum to use it), he has also told me this week we can use the voucher to go away for his birthday in a few weeks.

I also got a handmade mug, from a seller I saw at a craft market place, but the mug was nothing like any of the beautiful ones that were at the market, it was beige and plain, he told me he chose the cheapest one she sold as he doesn't think a mug is worth the prices that the other ones cost.

His other gift to me was a gift bag with a map of the local area, a few vintage postcards from local landmarks with messages written on and some unrelated photos of my kids printed out. He said he's going to arrange them on the coffee table and have some glass made to go over the top. This is something he's been talking about doing for months and never once have I expressed any interest in this nor was I told it was my Christmas present. Maybe I would feel a bit better about this if he had actually done it, not just a 'I will do this'.

He did buy me a lovely ring that I asked for, as a replacement for one that I lost earlier in the year, it wasn't expensive, less than £30 but I love it.

I am not difficult to buy for, I would have been thrilled with makeup, gig tickets, a nice dressing gown, even a voucher for a specific shop I like that I could use without having to spend my own money.

I feel like the worst partner for feeling so upset by this as he's clearly given it some thought but I don't really understand the table thing and I made it clear I had no interest in it when he initially brought it up. He feels like he's done really well and I wish I didn't feel so ungrateful.

This ..he is a pisstake

You need to stop buying the gifts for his family and let him do it. Also stop buying him expensive thoughtful gifts as he isn’t doing the same. Gift him the voucher and mug right back for his birthday and see how that lands. He is the height of fucking cheeky, mean and thoughtless.

So he essentially got you a discount on his birthday weekend away?

I think op there's a few things here. Why are you buying his family and why are you taking on the cost of that? I know lots of women don't like the idea of in laws getting crap gifts or no gifts and being blamed but seriously, he's just meeting the standards you've shown yourself to be accepting of.

I know you've said you don't want your financial arrangements to side track the thread but I think the two are entirely connected op. I wouldn't expect a man to pay for my son. I would absolutely expect him to pay his own way though. He SHOULD be contributing to household bills etc if he's using your utilities and living there. Essentially you've moved him in and allowed him to act like a teenager. Taking on the costs for his families gifts when he's no real expenses, when you can't really afford it and you have seperate finances is madness. The money you're spending covering him is money he's passively siphoning away from your dc. I know he's not the worst in some ways, but the absence of bad doesn't make something good.

Now this standard has been set you need to actively and clearly undo it. You need to sit him down and explain that you're feeling taken for granted and a bit used and he needs to step up as you don't think it's fair that you cover everything. I would ask how much he's earning and split bills equivalently without expecting him to cover the kids. I would also split a list of responsibilities in a way that's fair in terms of working hours and childcare and what your kids can help with too. In a family everyone pitches in and he cannot expect to move into your kids home and become a man of leisure. I would also be expecting him to make you feel appreciated, and op the measurement of that isn't what he does it's how you feel.

This crappy, thoughtless gift is really just a symptom of a much bigger problem.

As well as building lego models, does he actually do a lot of camping and bush craft ?

He brought you a ring and a mug. Then threw in a few photos/postcards. That’s almost acceptable I guess. But yes, I’d be disappointed.

As for the coffee table nonsense - he’s already given you the photos. So it’s up to you what they’re used for. It’s absolute nonsense.

As for trying to trap you into a contract to take him away for his birthday and framing it as a gift to you…….. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 He’s delusional.

This. Sorry.

I don't understand your reasoning that if he contributed to his own living expenses that he would somehow be supporting your children. He would be supporting himself, which is something he SHOULD be doing. If you have to pay for electricity and water, he should be contributing to that bill because he uses electricity and water. He should be paying towards the food because he surely eats the food. He should be paying towards cleaning supplies because he sheds skin cells that need to be swept and dusted just like all other living humans. He should be paying towards rent because he is living in the space and storing his possessions there.

He is so clearly sponging off of you and hasn't even bothered to show he values you in your Christmas presents. Please do not allow this to continue.

Fuck the Christmas presents.
Why are you with a man who collects knives?

I'd regift the voucher to him for his birthday and then spend the money you'd have spent on a gift doing something you enjoy.

You know you deserve better than this @tryingtobegrateful don’t you?

This beer swilling, knife wielding, Lego playing, tightfisted clown boy is beneath you. I hope you leave him

He sounds tight, genuinely poor or just nuts. Actually the situation itself sounds totally nuts. Why are you buying gifts for his parents? And he doesn't even chip in with anything for his stepchildren.
Are you sure he even bought the voucher?Sounds like something you would get as a freebie from somewhere tbh.

You don't want the financial arrangement you have at home to derail the thread but if you are happy with this arrangement, why are you upset with the Christmas presents he got you?
You have basically told him , encouraged him and supported him to treat you as unimportant, not worthy. Why?

Why do you keep this 'taker', this 'drainer'? Why do you take from your DC and support this cocklodger to live his best life while treating you a disposable tissue?

Those Christmas presents are the least of the issues here. You are worthy of better... a lot better. You sound like a caring and generous person. You deserve A LOT better than this specimen of a homo sapien you are keeping in your children's home.

You buy all his family presents? Why?

He'd be out the door how selfishly self centered narcissistic behaviour a gift bag with a local map in it what a smack in the face of an insult already after 3 other major insults time to know your self worth just because your a higher earner gives no justification for being took the absolute piss out of sounds l8ke he needs a good bloody talking to or shown the door...... ro even buy a 50 pound voucher for a hotel for his birthday is outrageous that man's not stupid is he if I was you id sell that lego and get a strong head on your shoulders you are buying everything you need a man not another child you clearly deserve more than this twirp can offer you dont he fooled into his charms it will make tou very unhappy in the long run take care of you and your precious kids sorry to he so blunt but been there got the t-shirt tou deserve well better 😉

I'm sure someone else has said it by now but all the same - what do you mean he only has you to buy for? He has an entire family to buy for! Parents, siblings?, nieces and nephews. Why are you buying for them? Unless you're personally friends with them and would buy for them regardless of whether you're dating him, then stop.

Him paying rent and utilities isn't him supporting your DC. Look up the rent for a one bedroom flat and charge him half of that, plus a third of utilities and the council tax discount amount you've lost by having a second adult living there, if you earn significantly more than him.

If you earn similar then he can pay half of everything. The DC aren't causing additional heating or lighting or council tax. If he wasn't willing to live in a bigger property with it's related bigger expenses then he shouldn't have got with a woman with DC.

He's breadcrumbing you OP, why are you with him? The voucher is a present to himself, he thinks he's cleverly secured a weekend away for his birthday whilst claiming the credit for it as "his gift to you" because he bought you a voucher. He bought you the shite for the table because it was cheap and more importantly, its an idea only. If he wanted to do it as a gift he'd have done it. In case you haven't realised yet, he wants you to arrange and pay for it, while he gets the gold star for "his wonderful thoughtful present to you". I'll bet you bought the coffee table originally too. It's a non-gift.

The mug is absolute crap as a gift. He could have got a plain brown mug that you don't need from the supermarket even cheaper than the one he bought. He's spent a few £ more than the 50p supermarket mug so he can say "he got you a mug from X seller" and try to make out this is what you wanted so you can't be ungrateful. It's manipulative gaslighting bullshit. The point of the £50 mugs is you're not paying primarily for a mug, but for the artwork on it!

If for some reason he's hung like a horse and knows how to use it and you're desperate enough to tolerate the rest of the crap from him for all eternity because of it, at least start matching his gift giving level.

Buy him a football for his birthday - so he can enjoy a kick around with the kids at the park in the summer while you "do the gardening" (plant one four pack of bedding pansies, do no weeding or mowing and spend a couple of hours sunbathing). Make sure you go on and on about all the lovely plants in the garden and how well they're doing, even if they're obviously weeds or need pruning and were already there before he went out, act like you're god and have just created the earth itself, look at him expectantly awaiting his fawning over it/you, then make him give you a back massage "because it aches from all the gardening you've been doing".

OP i haven't read the whole thread, just your messages, so apologies for repeating what loads of other posters must have written by now, but your partner is simply a cocklodger.

This man has already been told, by you, that he needs to 'do better' is loads of areas of your relationship, yet has not done so.

You have already tried to get rid of him at least once, and he 'sob storied' himself back into his cushie number.

He pays for bugger all, yet berates you if you don't spend hundreds on him for birthdays/Christmas etc.

I fail to see a single, solitary redeeming feature in him tbh?

Meanwhile, he's free to live the 'life of Reilly' with you paying all the bills while you are disrespected and disregarded at every bloody turn !

Cocklodgers are verminous leeches who will suck you dry financially, emotionally and physically. Then, when the gravy boat finally ends with you, he'll be shacked up with the next one within weeks.

Please, please throw him out asap. Don't listen to any tall tales of 'I don't have anywhere to go ! I love you !' etc etc. He's had practically ZERO living expenses for the whole bloody time he's lived with you, he's got LOADS of bloody money!!! (even if he didn't, it's still not your problem to solve! He's an adult, he can phone a friend, crash at parents or get a hotel room.!)

For his birthday just buy him vouchers for the cost of the rest of hotel stay, combine vouchers and you are good to go. Expensive solution granted, but saves you at least some expenditure.

Please stop wasting your money on this absolute loser. He is SELFISH.

I'm sorry you have such an asshole as a partner, and I'm sorry that you are letting him away with being a free loading, asshole partner.

Definitely DO NOT spend the voucher on his birthday!! Get him the bare minimum, like take him to a Premier Inn and tell him you got the cheaper option as you didn't think the other place was worth the money. You know, like how he treated you with the cheap ugly mug.

Do you have a friend or family member you could go away with to use the voucher on instead?

This reminds me of the Simpsons episode that Homer got Marge a bowling ball because that's what he wanted. Your partner wanted to go to this log cabin place for his birthday, and is pretending that is your present.

Please do not allow your children to grow up thinking this is a normal relationship. If you have a daughter, would you want her to end up with a man like your partner? Or if you have a son, would you be proud of him treating his future partner like this?

It is your house that you pay for. Time to have some self respect show him the door.

That’s awful, he sounds like my ex before I met my husband one birthday he bought me some toiletries and claimed the ring that I wanted it wasn’t an engagement ring just a nice ring wasn’t available and he managed to free load off me for a long time, he never put me first. Whereas my husband now is the complete opposite. If you’re married everything should be 50/50 in my eyes if both of you can afford it. I can’t because I look after our children and work part time so our agreement is that I pay for the food shops so I’m contributing a little bit financially but my husband says that im also contributing by doing the school runs and doing things he can’t as he’s working full time and to give our children a good balance he should be contributing something I understand their not his children but he should still be invested in them as he married you. You need to have a serious conversation with him

If you read that while exchange properly you'd see they were referring to another poster.
So settle down with your capitals and exclamation marks .. You didn't read it properly and you're getting all ragey.
Comprehension is a valuable thing.

OP pleeeeaaaase leave this man. Go to the cabin in the woods with a friend. or alone. do not take him. do not spend any more money on him. do not give him your vagina. this cocklodger deserves naught from you NAUGHT.

He totally deserves a hard time. He may not be good at gift giving but he is a bloody expert at gift receiving and dropping heavy hints at what he wants. If he can put that much effort and thought into what he wants, how hard is it to think about what his partner would like.

I do agree with you that she should tell him how upset she is. Any decent person would be embarrassed by such an unequal present swap, especially when he has done the asking/hinting.

Well unless he putting the remaining money owed towards the room for his bday weekend , it’s a crap present yeah 🤷🏻‍♀️.
To be honest the photos of the kids on the coffee table sounds like quite a thoughtful idea , but like you say he should just have it done, & not say this is what he is going to do .
It’s not for him to decide if the mugs are over priced or not , you like what you like , & giving you a cheaper substitution would annoy me too !