Came home early to stepson - AIBU for not backing DH?

[SoupLong]

I don’t really know where to start and I’m a bit all over the place so bear with me.

My stepson has lived with us full time since his mum died when he was 7, nearly 8. He’s 17 now and in his first year of college. I’ve been in his life a long time and I do love him, but the last couple of years have been very difficult. Behaviour issues, attitude, lying about where he’s been, disappearing for hours. We’ve found weed and I strongly suspect more than that but don’t have proof. DH and stepson argue a lot. They clash badly.

DH’s way of dealing with things is very much stop being so sensitive, stop overthinking, toughen up. Those words have been used. I’ve said before that I don’t think it helps but DH says he’s exhausted and at the end of his rope. Their relationship is pretty strained.

I also have a DD who is 15, nearly 16. She and stepson are extremely close and always have been. Sometimes it feels like they’re a unit and DH is on the outside, which I know doesn’t help matters.

Tonight DH and I went out for a meal locally. Before we left, stepson was acting oddly. Asking how long we’d be, whether we were getting dessert, if we might stay out longer. He kept checking the time. I had a funny feeling and mentioned it to DH, so we didn’t stay out as long and came home earlier than planned.

When we got back they were both clearly surprised. DD was in stepson’s room. He was wearing makeup. Properly done, not messing about. Eyeliner, mascara, lipstick. DD had done it carefully. He wasn’t joking or performing, just sitting there.

DH’s reaction was immediate and cold. Asked what was going on, said it wasn’t appropriate, asked if he’d taken something. Stepson went completely quiet, wiped his face and went into his room. He’s been shut in there since and won’t engage with either of us.

DD is furious. She says DH humiliated him and that he was finally feeling safe enough to open up and now he’ll never trust us again. DH says he’s not having it in his house, that it’s attention seeking and probably drug related, and that I should have backed him instead of standing there saying nothing.

So as not to Drip feed, DH is from a different culture (India)

Stepson self harmed a few years ago, around 14. Cutting. DH reacted very badly at the time. He told him to stop being stupid, accused him of doing it for attention, asked if he wanted to end up in care. I was horrified. We did try to get him into counselling but after a couple of sessions he refused to go back and DH didn’t push it. Stepson has never really forgiven DH for how he handled that and I don’t think DH has ever truly accepted that he got it wrong. He tends to say he panicked and didn’t know what to do.

Also, some months ago we found out stepson had been stealing bras, both from shops and from DD. He denied it initially then admitted it. DH completely lost his temper. Took his phone, grounded him, told him it was perverted and unacceptable. There was no calm discussion, just anger. Stepson barely spoke to us for weeks afterwards.

So tonight doesn’t feel like it’s really about makeup. It feels like all of that rolled into one moment.

DD says she was helping him because he wanted to see what he looked like and felt safe with her. She is adamant there were no drugs involved and I believe her.

I feel stuck in the middle. I think DH’s reaction has probably pushed stepson further away again. DH thinks I’m undermining him and letting stepson do whatever he wants. Stepson is shut in his room and I’m lying here feeling sick with worry that we’re missing something important.

AIBU for not backing DH? Or is he being too harsh and not seeing the bigger picture?

Unfortunately there are ppl in some cultures that would rather have dead children than be ‘shamed’ by them, as evidenced by honour killings. And it’s still happening today

He should be told there is nothing wrong with being gay or crossdressing.

Hmmmmm. Nothing wrong with either, unless by cross dressing he thinks he’s “really” a woman, and demands acceptance as female, in women’s single sex spaces.

And that’s before we start on the stealing of his younger sister’s underwear. That is really worrisome (to put it mildly).

Your dh is handling this appallingly, which you already know.
Cross dressing isn't necessarily about a sexual fetish or being gay. Some cross dressers are heterosexual males who will never go out in public dressed as women, or attempt to use female toilets.

Does dss have access to any of his own money? That he stole from shops suggests not. So the reason for stealing could be as simple as not having the financial means to buy his own.
I don't think acting hysterically solves anything and it won't help anyone.
With the previous self harm and dh's reactions to everything, Id be very worried about dss.
I think I would do my best to have an open discussion with dss, with no judgement and no shame. His dad clearly isn't capable of doing this.
With some of the replies on this thread, it's easy to see why gay men used to be ostracised ( still are in some countries ). Back then, everyone had the opinion of gay men that they now seem to have of a male who is cross dressing/ trans.
For clarity, I absolutely do not think that males should be in female spaces ( such as toilets), sports etc. I also don't believe anyone can change sex, it's biology. But if a male simply wants to dress as a female in private ( or in public) and happily goes about their business not harming anyone else, why is that a problem. They aren't all trying to get into women's toilets.

I applaud you for coming on here but at the same time I’m quite shocked you’ve allowed your DH to treat your DSS this way, it’s extremely abusive and incredibly damaging to DSS. It’s quite clear your DH is homophobic.

Yeah, that’s a pretty horrifying justification for a very complex situation. This is obviously a young man in crisis.

But avoiding the obvious fetishisation of a a 15 year old girl’s underwear won’t help.

Did you read the part where I refd. RuPaul’s Drag race? If you aren’t familiar it’s a competition where a number of ‘drag queens’ compete to exhibit the most creative looks to fit a task or theme. Their makeup, hair and outfits are often amazing. Most are gay, some are not - but the canvas of a woman’s persona is often a lot more glamorous than a man’s.

There are numerous videos and tutorials throughout social media of young influencers - men and women - putting on makeup, styling their hair, choosing outfits, and to a good number of young ppl it’s not only entertaining, it’s inspiring and also offers a form of escapism.

On a side note - There is a young Russian-Greek guy who dresses as a sexy woman and wears makeup and posts videos showing up men and women (mostly men) who treat him poorly and their shocking, entitled behaviour. He is 100% straight and is incredibly open that he is a business man and is doing it to highlight how women are treated, but the main reason is bc it makes a lot of money, and posting videos of himself playing video games as a man wasn’t nearly as lucrative.

The DD is probably - hopefully - blissfully unaware that men steal women’s underwear for sexual thrill. That’s why it’s up to the adults to safeguard children. Assume the worst and protect.

It’s perfectly possible to support the DSS and his difficulties while also telling him his behaviour is inappropriate and safeguard the DD from having her belongings fetishised.

This is so sad. That poor child . He has been let down massively by his father.
Stop mentioning drugs. Pot doesnt make you want to wear make up . Bloody ridiculous notion.
Your dh is abusive useless father.
Personally I would fully support your step son and tell dh to get therapy or risk losing his son forever. He is obviously very judgemental and not very open minded or understand at all.
But you also are letting your step son and daughter down.

Personally I couldn't be in a relationship with an ignorant bigot, especially one capable of being so cruel to his own son.

Is he likely to change/soften? DSS clearly needs some support/understanding, but if your DH isn't willing to provide that, it's going to be very difficult for you or DD to while you're living together.

This!! ⬆️ And all of the previous posts leading up to this!!

Your poor stepson is crying out for help with his gender identity & your teenage daughter is the only one mature & empathetic enough to give him any support! You & your husband are being utterly dreadful parents. What more does this poor kid need to do??

Your DH is not being the parent that his DS needs him to be. You definitely shouldn't be "backing DH". If DSS was your child, you should have been issuing ultimatums over DH's treatment of and support for him. He is troubled, experimenting and needs to be met with acceptance, understanding and some guidance and support. He needs someone in his corner and it is expecting far too much of your 15 year old DD for her to be that person. Given how long you have been in his life and that he doesn't have another parent other than his dad, I would have expected that person to be you. If you can't be that person, on his side and openly disagreeing with his dad then does he have any aunts or uncles who can step in?

Your Husband is doing DSS serious, long-term, deep damage. The harm he's doing is FAR FAR more severe than the self harm that DSS was doing.

You need to get DH to read some of the stats on Male suicide, for poor men who thought they had to bottle stuff up and (felt they) couldn't confide in people around them.

Please reassure your DSS that you as a individual support him 100% and he can always come to you, even if his Dad hasn't come round yet. I'd even consider asking DH to leave, or moving out with the children if possible. His attitude is a danger to DSS.

Ps. Your Daughter is an absolute legend and I'm so so glad they're so close and she's so totally in his corner. You should be very proud of her.

She's 15 and living with an older boy who stole her underwear.

OP should be proud of her for what? Believing this is ok?

I would not.
DSS is vulnerable, has self harmed, needs immediate support in the shape of a therapeutic environment.

Not letting a vulnerable person be so very alone.

A 15yo girl living with an older boy who stole her underwear is the vulnerable person.

He has no outlet for his feelings, his stepmother is ineffectual and seems to not understand his bigoted father is wrong. Stealing the bra can be forgiven in these circumstances and the 15 year old seems to have done so.

There is nothing in the ops post to suggest he is dangerously close to suicide. He self harmed 3 years ago like a lot of teenagers. Being embarrassed in your room after pushing boundaries with a young girl does not mean you’re suicidal. Some might find it manipulative.

Absolutely this.
Your DSS has done nothing wrong and your DH needs to take steps to try to rectify the significant damage he has done to their relationship.
As others have said DSS is very vulnerable. His father may well be culturally conservative but if he doesn't want to lose his son, he's going to have to work on that.
Make sure your DSS knows you have his back and that you love and support him.

It’s frightening how many people think an almost adult male stealing a teenage girl’s underwear and shoplifting “has done nothing wrong”.

But he does have an outlet for his feelings. He's using a vulnerable 15yo girl.

Having crap parents does not justify stealing underwear.

The sibling is 15. A child. It doesn't matter what she thinks about his behaviour. It doesn't matter if she thinks it's ok. It isn't. She isn't old or mature enough to make that call.

Do not back “DH”!! Back your DSS and support him as best you can to feel safe. Let him find his way with love & support. Whatever the way then is.

your DD sounds bloody amazing!!! I hope you realize how fantastic she is and why her & DSS seem like “a unit”. She sounds wise, accepting, supportive & empathetic.

He may or may not be transgender of course so I am sure it’s a hard one to tackle for your DH, but seek some information, help & support for him to understand what your DSS is feeling or exploring?

shutting him down etc will only push him away & cause him harm (again. He’s already self harmed). I’ve no doubt your DH loves his son, but his approach of “toughen up” clearly hasn’t worked over the years. Seek some guidance, therapy & support for your DSS & DH

OP your DD is very vulnerable in this, her step brother has crossed a line and behaved very inappropriately with the underwear thing. Even if he meant no harm it's important that DD understands healthy boundaries and appropriate behaviour as the next person to push her boundaries could have different intentions.

Your DSS needs some sort of adult, ideally male, mentor to help him with his feelings and behaviour. His own dad fucked up with the self harm but is there another man he trusts? If not it will probably have to be family counselling.

Your DSS needs therapy to deal with his past and himself. You could join him. Your DH needs counselling to put himself in a position to help his son. It seems they are both struggling with the past and realities and you appear to instinctively know it’s wrong but perhaps can do with external help for them as it can’t all come down to yon to “fix” and feel
the way you do right now.

You’re a wonderful step mom by the way, your family are lucky to have you in their lives.