Should husband have got taxi at 4am after finishing work late?

[Groay]

Husband is a pilot. He ended up at an airport that is not his home base. This meant he stayed overnight in a hotel. I was fine with this. But I have since learned that everyone except him chose to get in a paid for taxi in the very early hours. Husband’s taxi was for 2pm the next day. Everyone else wanted to gain that day back by getting the travel over and done with.

It meant that I had to cancel an event I wanted to go to. Dh knows I was trying to figure out alternative childcare but the hassle wasn’t worth it in the end so I sacked it off.

Do I have a right to be mad? Dh could’ve slept for three hours in the taxi and then driven the 20 mins home. And had basically the whole next day to chill with the odd drop off here and there for kids.

He said he was knackered. He FaceTimed me from bed and he was definitely tired but I can tell when he’s exhausted. He was actually quite talkative and I had to say get some sleep to him! I was up with poorly baby

6 hours doesn't add up...

He wouldn't have been back until nearly 8am

You later say he was needed from 1pm

That's only 5 hours and assuming he can just immediately drop off

(Just noticed this discrepancy and can't edit previous)

Ladies and Gentlemen this is your Captain speaking on our 1pm flight to Abu Dhabi please be aware I’ve had about 5hrs sleep so this may be a bumpy trip…

Team DH on this one, sleep in Taxi is very unlikely, home around 8am, then try to sleep with the rest of the house making noise.

Also consider this, if DH had been in an accident driving after that little sleep he would be almost for sure arrested and prosecuted for dangerous driving (look up the Selby disaster), perhaps losing his driving license and almost certainly then his job. No I think DH made the right choice.

Sharing your life with a shift worker when you have DC and are trying to maintain “normal” hours and social weekends etc is shit, especially if that shift worker has a responsible job such as doctor, pilot etc.

You will have been put in second place a LOT during your relationship. Your sleep needs will come second to his, your career will come second to his, where you live will be likely dictated by his job, even trying to conceive can be tough when they end up working through fertile windows, or when you’re in labour.

Everyone seems to assume the life of a doctor/pilot/similar’s spouse is a glamorous and carefree one, but it’s not. It’s inequitable, and incredibly difficult.

You’ll be home (as in this situation) with a sick child, getting no sleep and missing events that are important to you, and he’ll be sleeping in a hotel for a full eight hours, travelling back without having to juggle DC and causing you to miss your event, but everyone will laud him as a hero and tell you to suck it up.

You are both in the right here. He does need his sleep and you have been shat on and your day ruined (probably not for the first time) so you’re going to be angry and disappointed.

I’m afraid I don’t have a solution, but I do have a lot of sympathy for you.

If your dh got a taxi home at 2 (back by 5?) why couldn’t you still go out in the evening?

Don’t look for reasons to be mad in a marriage, it isn’t healthy. This was a pretty reasonable decision.

I think you are being unreasonable - taking the taxi would gave meant not getting to sleep until 4 or 5 am, whereas taking the hotel meant he was likely in bed before 1am - ie, able to recalibrate and manage his jetlag.

I think you’re being selfish here, I’m afraid. Even if he had come home, he’d have had to sleep most of the day and would not have been fit/safe to do childcare. You missed something you wanted to go to, well tough really.

If you only needed him for a drop off around 1pm - assume a party for one of the kids - I would have found /asked /begged /paid someone to do that

What did he do between check out which is usually 10 or 11am and 2pm? Very random time to choose, especially if he knew he needed to look after the kids from 1pm.
I think he was not BU to stay in a hotel but not fair of him to get back so late that you weren’t able to go to your afternoon event

Probably a late checkout because he didn't get to the hotel until 4am. Lots of hotels do late checkout up to 2pm.

We have both done this so many times, not specifically as we aren’t pilots. But driven home at unearthly hours to be home by morning sort of thing, since we have 2 kids we prioritise rest when we can. I wouldn’t be mad about it but I would have expected him to be upfront about it initially and probably have said ‘please can you come home I really want to do X’ or ‘you’re shattered just stay’

@Parsleyforme

What did he do between check out which is usually 10 or 11am and 2pm?

If it was an airline booking they may well have negotiated a late or non standard checkout time.

This - so you would expect him to drive when he's exhausted so that your plans are not disrupted. You marry a pilot/a doctor you can't expect them to be home when it suits you it's not a normal 9.00/5.00 job.

I’d be slightly annoyed because your thinking about what you would have done in that situation- which is have a lil sleep then tend to kids as planned. He’s just decided to use it as rest.
But if he’s usually good, accommodating and supportive I wouldn’t let it linger.
Maybe just have a chat and explain why it upset you, without focussing too much on ‘what he did wrong’ because he may get defensive.
He is home and he is safe that is the main thing.

Well yeah, he didn’t want the childcare and staid behind without your agreement so I understand your frustration…

However, relationships don’t have to be white/black and he is doing that and you never ever taking without asking lol. I am sure in some ways you do too so just make sure it isn’t a habit!

Bit of background:

Airlines are not known for being generous to their staff...The following article written in the aftermath of the Selby accident (which I mentioned in passing last night) might go some way to explaining why the company offered the crew hotel rooms, rather than insist they all got straight into taxis back to the crew car park at base.

www.fleetnews.co.uk/news/2002/1/16/selby-case-warning-over-sleepy-drivers/10174/

Other pilot may be younger or less tired. People are wired differently; some need more sleep than others so it’s to compare your husband to others. Sorry you missed your event but be very glad husband got home safely.

Was he piloting the next day? If not I don't blame him. Otherwise not.

This still is not really about the DH being rested before his next duty, that's an important but secondary issue.

The fundamental problem still is the question of where the DH and the company might stand legally if he'd crashed his car between the crew car park and home having worked an very very extended duty day, basically at the behest of the company.

The whole reason the company offered hotel accommodation is them covering their arse...If the DH didn't use a hotel, and ended up in court after such an accident the company can turn around and say "well we are in the clear, we offered accommodation, but the DH chose not to use it".

Why are you assuming his day was a 'very very extended duty day'. It may have been, equally the flight although diverted may have been the same length or very minimally more. For example, new york to Heathrow and to Birmingham or even Glasgow are only about half an hour difference.

His day was extended by the need for a 3hr taxi back to base, but not necessarily substantially by the flying.

I'd also not like to be in the OP's shoes if her husband was flying the next day (it's suggested on here that he was), and the plane then crashed due to his nodding off or not reacting to something quickly enough or whatever. So a very long and tiring work day followed by a night with very little proper sleep followed by childcare duties, including looking after the baby who was ill. Then a hopefully reasonably normal night (though the OP was going to be out socialising so would have been in late, probably waking him up, and the baby was ill, which would also have limited sleep). Then more piloting in charge of 100s of lives. I can imagine the subsequent inquiry, in which any surviving member of the crew would have explained that DH was shattered and had really wanted to sleep at the hotel but his wife had insisted that he travel all night so that he could get home in time to look after the children so she could go to a party.

I still don't get the fact that she was fine with it until she knew that other people did differently. Either he needed the rest or he didn't. Supported his choice until other people, living other lives, did different things. That makes no sense to me.

I hope for your sake this chap isn’t flying your plane next time you go away. I sure as h* don’t want him flying mine if he hasn’t had enough sleep.

You need to stop throwing your rattle out of the pram. He'd been flying for hours and had obviously had the extra stress if he had been diverted to another airport. Of course he needed to have a proper sleep. Just because he wasn't there for your jolly, he wasn't doing it to be mean. He was reacting to his physical need for sleep. It was sensible of him, knowing he wouldn't be safe to drive. Cut him some slack. Your children are more important than any event and they are with you for such a short time and there's plenty of time for events in the years ahead. Life's too short for recriminations. Give him a hug and be glad you have a good breadwinner for your family.

Just let it go.... breathe deeply...... shit happens, don't dwell... marriage is all about teamwork and forgiveness