Should husband have got taxi at 4am after finishing work late?

[Groay]

Husband is a pilot. He ended up at an airport that is not his home base. This meant he stayed overnight in a hotel. I was fine with this. But I have since learned that everyone except him chose to get in a paid for taxi in the very early hours. Husband’s taxi was for 2pm the next day. Everyone else wanted to gain that day back by getting the travel over and done with.

It meant that I had to cancel an event I wanted to go to. Dh knows I was trying to figure out alternative childcare but the hassle wasn’t worth it in the end so I sacked it off.

Do I have a right to be mad? Dh could’ve slept for three hours in the taxi and then driven the 20 mins home. And had basically the whole next day to chill with the odd drop off here and there for kids.

He said he was knackered. He FaceTimed me from bed and he was definitely tired but I can tell when he’s exhausted. He was actually quite talkative and I had to say get some sleep to him! I was up with poorly baby

YABU, shift work is a killer. I understand you are annoyed, rightly, but be annoyed at the job not the person.

I’d have done exactly what he did. Sleeping in a car isn’t really sleep and then he’d have just been in bed at home anyway so would have made no difference.

In my experience, pilots have major lead character vibes. They totally expect the world to revolve around them and to bow down to them.

I can imagine why you were pissed off. They knew you had plans but they prioritised themselves above you. Yanbu.

If I'm honest, OP's attitude is really worrying me. She should absolutely not be putting pressure on a pilot to miss out on sleep. And so that she can go to a social event! It's hugely irresponsible. And there's bound to be conflict in the marriage if she does this. Pilots are well paid (and if OP is in the US they're paid better than in the UK). So why doesn't she sort out paid childcare? Either do that, or accept that you will sometimes miss out on social events.

Pilots are required to put the safety of passengers first. If you haven't slept well in the couple of days before a flight, you're not doing that. The wife is selfish and entitled in my view.

Getting 3 hours broken sleep in a taxi and then trying to sleep in the daytime with kids/ partner around isn't restful/ restorative. I'm with your DH here, getting quality sleep now Vs delayed & broken sleep is a no brainer!

You do know this is mn where it’s AIBU because my husband did….
so the only acceptable answer is… how dare he?!! Hes a selfish prick… LTB..
even if its “I’ve been in a child free 60 day cruise around the world with my male best friend, dh has been working full time and doing all childcare. I don’t work, he’s asked me to pick up milk from the shop…”
’How ABUSIVE!! He wants to stop you being free..’

Your DH needs to trust his own judgement as to when he needs to sleep.
Could he have booked a taxi for eleven in the morning to be home early enough to relieve your babysitter?
Did you suggest that he book a taxi earlier?
Did you consider hiring a babysitter for a short while?

Absolutely this.

Honestly I don't understand the attitude with which some people do relationships.

In a relationship, it is my job to look after myself, in the sense that my health is good, I make good lifestyle choices, I make sensible career and financial choices etc. I don't expect the other person in the relationship to change everything to look after my basic needs. I make sure I'm okay first.

In terms of what I do for the other person, I'd expect to love them deeply, so I'd want to see them thrive - cook them their fave meal on a Sunday, help them prep for that massive interview, buy them that cashmere sweater they wouldn't treat themselves to, pick them up when they're down, encourage them to work on their business idea... And yes, I'd want them to get a good night's sleep when they're 3h away from home in the middle of the night!

Generally they do the same for me, or we end it. Loving someone is wanting to see them thrive, and not expect them to put themselves through hardship for you.

Did everything work out fine, were the kids ok? Yes. Did you get a good night's sleep? Yes. Did he? Yes, he needed rest. He'd had a really tough day by the sounds of it.

Missing an event that sounded pretty optional because your husband had exceptional circumstances is not worth falling out over.

'No way would I expect my husband to do anything other than go to bed at 4am' resonates.

Very hard to say. That’s a long taxi journey to get home - makes a lot more sense to stay in a hotel and get decent sleep. Understandable you were disappointed but I would have preferred hotel and plenty of pp say the same. You must have to miss a lot with all his shift work so I get its annoying.

Taxi companies have contracts with airlines to do long journeys at unreasonable hours like this regularly. They happen all the time.

Every time someone buys a flight this is part of the cost being passed on.

I’d hope that the taxi driver gets a good night or day’s sleep after a job like this - just like I’d hope that the pilot does.

Really? He was 3 hours away after a busy work period and you're already analyzing their marriage 😂

I’m very late to the thread but your dh, unless he’d had a particularly awful day, is pathetic. Sorry.

What was this event that you missed?

There goes that internalised misogyny again

Did everything work out fine, were the kids ok? Yes. Did you get a good night's sleep? Yes. Did he? Yes, he needed rest. He'd had a really tough day by the sounds of it.

He ended up diverted, but there are no other indications of a 'really tough day's, and diversions can happen for all sorts of mundane reasons. Then he had a full night sleep.

In contrast the OP was looking after multiple kids on very little/no sleep. She was up with a poorly child at 4am, so unlike her husband, no she didn't get a 'good nights sleep'. Looking after a poorly baby whilst having other kids isn't a walk in the park, and then she had to make contingency plans and cancel plans for the following day because husband wasn't around. It sounds like she had a tougher day than he did.

My DH is a commercial pilot. I would not expect him to get back up at 4am and take a taxi home, tbf he would offer if I had something that I wanted him at home for, but I always try to get him to prioritize sufficient rest as his job really requires it. I make zero plans that are dependent on him being there as that’s what works best for us after many years of trial and error.

Having not slept, then having to sit in a car from 4-7am sounds like literal torture.

I wish I had near 6 hours of sleep between my safety critical night shifts 😁

Rest or sleep?

He ended up diverted, but there are no other indications of a 'really tough day's, and diversions can happen for all sorts of mundane reasons.

They can but you need to know the full story before judging how tough/awful it was.

If it was simply a case of a normalish length duty day but diverting, or cancelling final sector into base, passengers straight into the hands of station staff and then a choice of hotel.or cab that's one thing.

OTOH if it was a case of the duty day out at on the normal limits and then extended further by another 2 or 3 hours by captain's discretion, with umpteen balls in the air and local staff breathing down the captain's neck wanting decisions yesterday, plus passengers wanting info it can get very full on.

We don't know the full picture.

We don't know his full picture but to make out like she should have fawned over him and cooked a roast because she had an easier day and a 'good nights sleep' when you know she was caring for a sick baby at 4am and had at least one other kid around to care for, shows a ridiculous bias against her.

In his circumstances i would have taken the hotel. I know the late night flights were diverted here due to wind to Luton, 3 hours away.

I would not want him driving even for 20 minutes after flying a plane followed by three hours in a taxi. You said you could see he was tired, he didn’t have to be totally exhausted for not getting in the car to be the right decision, and it wasn’t your decision to make.

Life with a pilot, even a fully devoted family man of a pilot, sometimes means cancelling events and doing more childcare than you’d like, how do you not know this?

I think the only compromise could've been to drive home in the taxi but stay at a hotel at the local airport so as not to drive exhausted. He could've then actually got some sleep workout being woken by you and the children and would've been 15 minutes from home, but I would assume the company options were hotel or taxi and they would say if you're that cost to home you don't need a hotel it's not our problem your family are noisy. Yabvu to expect him to have flown, been diverted/delayed, try to nap in a taxi for 3+ hours, then DRIVE home and try and sleep for 4/5 hours in a house full of people getting on with their day, then look after and drive kids around. Dangerous, frankly.

What? How is 4am to 1pm a “full nights sleep”?
Remember, this pilot was flying a plane until 4am while OP and kids were snoozing the night away.