To think this is unreasonable?! Or am I out of touch

[Greehsa]

Mid thirties with one dc. I have a lot of flexibility with work so I am able to work remotely. My DD goes to nursery but one day a week my parents like me to take her over. It’s a bit of a drive but I work while I am there then finish off anything I’ve not managed to get done in the evening.

When I work on my laptop I need the room to be light otherwise I start to get a headache. My parents have gone mad recently when I’ve tried to put the light on, saying they don’t want the bulbs to go (they’re spotlights), it’s rude for me to turn the lights on etc. Being pretty nasty about it. For context they are not at all short of money (though they claim to be, they’re certainly not), their main issue seems to be that I’m ’telling them what to do in their home.’ I think this is insanely unreasonable?! I’ve explained calmly that when the weather is bad and it’s dull outside that the room isn’t light enough for me to work without getting a headache. I can’t imagine making this much of a fuss with my own DD if she needed to do some work! AIBU?

But if they were thinking of it as them providing a favour with childcare then they are doing that to allow OP to work, and it’s not a ‘visit’. They can’t have it both ways - they are either not looking after their GC to enable OP to work, and it’s a visit, or they are and it’s not.

Unless their lights would genuinely blow up at being on for more than half an hour they are being unreasonable when their own daughter tells them she suffers headaches without them being on, and she is there to work.

I know OP isn’t after a solution, but surely it would be for them to pick up GC to look after her or look after her in OP’s home, where power usage is none of their concern.

People are so weird about lights. I prefer not to have any lights on if there is natural light coming through the windows, but I've noticed many people who will walk into a room that I'm occupying alone and immediately switch on lights without asking me first. I don't know if they think I forgot to turn on the light, or just don't care what my preference is.

Exactly

I like this reply.

they sound utterly bonkers

Look up the DSE (display screen equipment) guidance as this includes lighting. Home working is an extension of the workplace. Has your employer undertaken a Home Work Risk Assessment of your work station or do they not know you are sometimes working from other locations? The lighting and other conditions (DSE regs cover other requirements too) potentially likely non compliant.

Yes, it’s batshit, however, could you buy a rechargeable light and take it with you when you visit? Fully charged, of course.

Their home their rules and perceptions. Take your own desk lamp or limit visits for a time you can be there too (in spirit not just body).

If you know that someone is guilt tripping you (for having the light on) then as an adult, you either ignore the guilt tripping entirely and carry on putting the light on, or you make different arrangements if the guilt tripping works and you are letting it get to you.
Those are your options.
Complaining about it gets you nowhere.
You already know they are being unreasonable and mean spirited especially when in a bad mood. I wouldn’t want to be there under those circumstances.

Having said that, I was lucky enough to have a house full of family for two weeks over Christmas. Several times, I found myself going round the house turning lights off where they had been left on unnecessarily and I realised that younger generations just don’t pay attention to turning lights off when not needed. Even when all leaving the house, I would have to ask for all lights to be turned off please, especially extra Christmas lights.
I hope not but maybe my family saw me as being unreasonable and a bit mean spirited ?

I know the feeling. I get this too when I work at parents. I have to be firm and say I won’t come then as I cannot work in te dark. Your choice. I live 300 miles away so I have to work part of time I go there good luck

Ask your parents where, in the whole of their home, could they tollerate a bright light?
Let them dictate where you work from all day.
Alternatively, is there an internet cafe or library near their home?

It is unfair that you have a bright light where they have to see it.

Are you working in a separate room at their house, or in the same room where they are going about their day/entertaining their daughter? If in the same room I can see how putting the lights on might be bothersome or irritating. If it's not a separate room, I would ask to use one when you're working over there, and that no one comes in and disturbs you. It may seem like a lot to ask, but if the agreement is that you can work from their house one day a week so that they can spend time with your daughter, you have to be ABLE to work productively from their house or the whole arrangement falls through.

If they refuse to take your word for what you need in order to get your work done no matter how thoroughly you have explained, then unfortunately their house is not a suitable place for you to work. If you've already tried offering to get replacement bulbs for them to have on hand and/or to pay for the electricity used, then the only other thing I can think of is bringing over a desk or floor lamp that casts sufficient light and either leaving it at their house for when you need it or carrying it back and forth. That said, I wouldn't feel guilty about telling them that this arrangement isn't going to work out after all because you do need to work on the day your daughter visits them and it's too dim at their house.

They're being unreasonable. You know when you need better lighting and you shouldn't subject yourself to a headache.

They can call you whatever... but they lose out on seeing their granddaughter more often. It's no skin off your nose.

You can take her over on the occasional weekend instead.

YANBU. Your parents sound very controlling and are projecting that onto you. I have a suspicion this is nothing new in terms of their behaviour. Have they always made you feel guilty for having needs that don’t suit them? They sound controlling in general and you seem to go along, again it’s probably what you are used to from childhood. How would they react if you said ok no problem but you can’t come as you have to work so the arrangement no longer works for you?

Quite. So ask yourself "who is being controlling and unreasonable"?

I'm going to guess that this isn't the only point of disagreement with your parents? I think you could possibly read up on techniques for dealing with coercive control. I mean did you really need to ask a load of Internet strangers whether they were being unreasonable?

For now use the "let them" technique.
They think you're unreasonable? Let them.
They think you're controlling? Let them
They don't want to drive to your house? Let them not want to (doesn't mean you have to drive to theirs)

OP your parents are being controlling, unreasonable and frankly mean. But you love them and want to foster their relationship with your DD. So you need to decide what you're willing to put up with. It's not a matter of principle or culpability, it's a question of you compromising for the sake of love.

Personally, driving away with a headache each week would be a step too far for me, but it's your call.

Is there anyway to insist, gently but firmly on what you need ?

Is it possible that your parents feel strongly that 5 days of nursery aren't good for a toddler? Perhaps they feel that you should be at home with her rather than working but obviously can't control that. So, they have offered to have her one day a week but don't actually truly want to be doing that?

It feels like they don't love the childcare - wandering off, getting distracted, being difficult with you, not wanting to commit etc. So by the time the conversation about the light comes up, they're a bit frustrated because they've been "doing your job" all day.

Obviously you won't need the light on during the spring/summer, so I'd just accept they're being a bit weird about it, use nursery for a couple of months, and then go back to visiting when the weather gets better. If you're worried about their reaction I think that you could put in a couple of weekend days over the winter to see them.

Maybe you could take one or two cordless lamps with you? You could charge it at home and then use them when you’re there. There’s plenty of them in most department stores/ Amazon etc.

OP they're batshit and I can't believe that you need a mumsnet post to tell you this. You really need to put your foot down and stop pussyfooting around them otherwise you'll always be raising your child in their shadow. Get therapy if you need to but you need to find a way of very bluntly telling them that you bring their gc to them on their request and that it inconveniences you and that you need the light to work. You don't give a fuck if they think you're controlling you're the one juggling raising a young child with working so they need to work around you. If they want to lose a day a week with their gc for the sake of a lightbulb then that's their choice but you're not going to pander to such crap. You need to stand up for yourself or this will only get worse.

Why? So that her adult parents can learn that they can be as ridiculous and demanding as they want to their hardworking and responsible daughter and she'll just pander to it? F&ck that right off! They'll just find something else to badger her about. She needs to stand up to them. She is doing a fantastic job with or without them. She doesn't need to be afraid of them.

Is there a reason you have to go on word days? Why not leave dd in nursery and visit at the weekend when you don’t need to work?

Not putting lights on, whether you are working or not, is batshit. We have spots everywhere. They last for years, cost pennies to run, and don’t really cost much to replace (assuming they are gu10 LEDs?)

I’d simply refuse to take her anymore when I have to work,

laugh and say to them if I am controlling where do you think I got that from?!🤷‍♀️ no mum your ocd about your lights you can keep and come over after nursery to MY house as it’s more convenient for me and I cant work in the dark or with an atmosphere so if you want to come see us then it’s your turn to make the effort. And leave it at that

My dad was one for switching the light off when I was in a room and using the light, but I would just put it on again. I blew up at him when I was chopping veg and he turned the spotlight off over my head. I would just keep telling them they are being ridiculous and tight.

Say to them imagine them reporting their actions to others and what they would think. "My daughter brings our grandaughter over then - get this - wants to have A LIGHT on while she works."

Your parents are super weird. How old is your dd? If they are so particular and unsupportive of you, I'd worry they are bad influence on your dd. Is dd starting school soon or pre-school? What does your dh say to all this? It's not the best thing for your dd to miss out on her paid child care setting and spend the day with controlling and difficult people (your parents) doing probably nothing much of educational or emotional value. Sounds like a really bad arrangement. I've never heard of people that age using words like controlling but if anyone is controlling, it's them.

If you are in a separate room, it is absurd to berate you over the lighting in there.

Stop going there and invite them once a month for Sunday lunch. Minimise contact.

This is one of those situations where if you own your own choices, the whole situation becomes less angsty.

You cannot change your parents to suddenly be reasonable people, and if they have controlled you all their lives by fear, obligation and guilt, then they are going to continue to attempt to do it.

Being controlled by them is uncomfortable for you, and letting them experience the natural consequences of their actions (you stop taking your daughter over there unless they allow you to have a light on) is uncomfortable. You have the choice of which discomfort you experience.

You are currently choosing the first option - so when you get a headache, remind yourself that this is your choice, and you are choosing it because you don't want to feel guilty (or whatever your reasons are).

This reminds you that you have power in the situation too, and also reminds you that you can make another choice, even if you decide not to (for whatever reason).

I think the cordless lamp idea is brilliant