To want to stay home.

[inthecornersofmymind]

Every Saturday, I usually take the boys out for the day, but today is very cold and I'm not in the mood for it.

They have many things to enjoy in the house. Our 10-year-old is fine with being at home, but our 4-year-old isn't. He is by the door with his coat and shoes on, in tears.

I suggested that he play outside in the garden, but he refuses; he wants to go outside instead. I asked him if he wanted to bake, but as I suggest more activities, the more upset he gets. So I’ve just left him at the door.

My Husband isn’t bothered that he is crying at the door and has told me to leave him alone, I still feel a sense of guilt.

I'm considering taking him out for an hour or two to get some fresh air; however, the problem is that he loves being outside.

As soon as it's time to come back inside, he will refuse, and if I don't have a grip on his hand, he'll run down the street. I find myself having to offer him a bribe to get him inside, which I have been trying to put an end to.

Today, I really want to steer clear of any stress and just want to relax.

Am I being unfair to our child by not feeling up to going outside?

Children constantly have do things they don't want to do it's part of being a child.They have very little say in their day to day lives. They eat what they are given, go to bed when told, go to nursery when told and to the nursery their parents choose, wear the clothes they are bought etc etc. .That's all fine because it's part of growing up but it's also fine for him to be disappointed when a part of his routine that he enjoys is canceled
And grown up man shouldn't get to opt out of the parts of parenting he doesn't like
I'm not sure what message that is giving to his children.

I personally need some fresh air every day. I get really cabin feverish if I don’t leave the house and I do think children need fresh air.

But why on earth cant your husband do it once in a blue moon?

One of you should take him out and he shouldn’t get to opt out of this. Can’t believe you’ve said he never goes out with you on a Saturday. That’s mad.

I don’t have daughters so I’ve no idea. I am the same though so it works for us. Also, I’m not saying boys / kids / (anyone) isn’t flexible just because they like a bit of daily exercise; I’m saying that 30 minutes of fresh air a day is probably a healthy habit to have and definitely makes parenting easier

And equally, it's perfectly normal for that to not always be possible.

You see I don't think making anything a "must do" every day makes parenting easier beyond brushing their teeth!

Sorry, I wasn’t talking to you ✨

But he did have the option of being outside in the garden? Where OP said they have play equipment. So I don’t understand the problem? Or is the garden not safe to be out on his own?

I’m just going to say that my DH has taken the cat out to play in the garden today. OPs DH can take his own actual child into the garden to play.

He goes to nursery five days a week, where he behaves very well; he simply chooses to misbehave when he comes home.

I have always believed that as long as he is well behaved outside the home, it doesn't really matter.

Dealing with his behavior is becoming more and more difficult for me.

He usually behaves well in public, but there was a situation this week. Where he refused to get back into the car in the underground parking for no apparent reason. I believe he just felt like being naughty.

I'm just glad that there weren't too many people present because I tend to get embarrassed easily.

What really frustrated me was that he made our 10-year-old feel upset.

Ask any teacher and they will tell you that children need to go outside every day. Days when you have a wet break or lunch are a nightmare.

Your husband needs to start behaving like an adult. Not liking cold is not an excuse to stay indoors. He needs to step up and start parenting with a lone outing with his four year old son.

What's that got to do with anything?

Surely people have give and take in a relaxing and where you are willing to give and take will be personal to each person and determine whether you and your partner are incompatible.

My DH will not take the the children to birthday parties. He hates them. So the kids don't go unless it's me taking them. If I don't want to then the kids don't get to go to the party. (He will if I'm ill on the day or I'm on a holiday and we've already RSVP'd) but he does take them to swimming and jiujitsu every single week which I hate doing. He also very very rarely does laundry. But does 100% of school drop offs. It works for us.

I have always believed that as long as he is well behaved outside the home, it doesn't really matter.

Uhhh. What?

I have always believed that as long as he is well behaved outside the home, it doesn't really matter.
Dealing with his behavior is becoming more and more difficult for me.

These two sentences are a direct contradiction. His bad behaviour is causing you stress. Maybe that’s why you don’t want to take him out for an hour or two, because you know he’ll kick off and you’ll be dealing with it alone?

Surely a crying 4 year old is more stressful than chucking some clothes on and getting out of the house for a bit.

Also, my husband doesn’t enjoy being in crowded spaces or among many people, and I’ll always respect that.

Absolutely nothing to respect there. Does he think other parents love soft plays or playgrounds or all the other places we take kids to give them an outing? And it needn't even be anywhere crowded. He can take him a walk somewhere that isn't busy and learn to cope with it being a bit cold like the rest of the world does.

You're teaching your DC that dads don't have to do this stuff and it's up to mums and their friends, which is a bad start for sons especially. No wonder your 4yo thinks they can get their own way. And here's you feeling guilty while the dad couldn't care less if his DS is crying. Again, nothing to respect at all.

But a 4yo who learns crying will get him what he wants is going to cause more stress.

I realise that it does matters, especially since I'm currently facing his challenging behavior.

I understand that it can be easier to give in or bribe than be firm, especially if he's reserving this behaviour for at home but it's not fair to him, to you, or to your ten-year-old.

I really feel like to be a good parent you have a responsibility to be firm and have boundaries in the home and outside of it. "Bad" behaviour won't stay confined to the house forever, as you've clearly experienced and he will only get worse if you don't fix it.

This will have far reaching consequences for him and you, especially when he starts going to school. Short-term peace and quiet by bribing and pandering is not worth the long-term fall out, I promise.

You are holding your 4 year old to higher standards than your husband. You are expecting him to understand that his needs and wants won’t be met because your as parents take priority.

He wants to go out.

I don’t know many people who do like crowded places and cold weather to be honest OP but they’re both an inevitable part of life we just have to get on with. What makes your husband think he’s so special he’s exempt? @inthecornersofmymind

Op, he's 4. His frontal cortext is radically different from an adult's brain. The idea that he's choosing to misbehave is really unhelpful. He's responding to his situation and the fact that his brain can't yet fully manage emotional dysregulation and impulsivity. That's totally age appropriate at 4.

Young children need adults to help them understand and co-regulate their feelings.

You seem determined to allocate blame to a young child who almost certainly lacks the cognitive capacity to do what you want, while completely excusing the literal adult who won't put their feelings to one side for the benefit of their dc.

Nor mine!
They're relieved that they're teenagers and they DON'T have to come for walks with us anymore😁

Unless there's something in it for them.

Exactly. Why do you respect what your grown husband wants but not your 4yo?