To want to stay home.

[inthecornersofmymind]

Every Saturday, I usually take the boys out for the day, but today is very cold and I'm not in the mood for it.

They have many things to enjoy in the house. Our 10-year-old is fine with being at home, but our 4-year-old isn't. He is by the door with his coat and shoes on, in tears.

I suggested that he play outside in the garden, but he refuses; he wants to go outside instead. I asked him if he wanted to bake, but as I suggest more activities, the more upset he gets. So I’ve just left him at the door.

My Husband isn’t bothered that he is crying at the door and has told me to leave him alone, I still feel a sense of guilt.

I'm considering taking him out for an hour or two to get some fresh air; however, the problem is that he loves being outside.

As soon as it's time to come back inside, he will refuse, and if I don't have a grip on his hand, he'll run down the street. I find myself having to offer him a bribe to get him inside, which I have been trying to put an end to.

Today, I really want to steer clear of any stress and just want to relax.

Am I being unfair to our child by not feeling up to going outside?

I willingly went along with it. My husband doesn't have to go out in the cold weather if he doesn't want to.

He would never make me do anything that he understands I dislike or find uncomfortable.

Whether you went along with it willingly or unwillingly, the end result is the same. You’re the one who is expected to take the children out every Saturday, and you’re the one dealing with the consequences.

@inthecornersofmymind

well, I think you’re all out of options then really Op. best invest in a good winter coat so you can stand outside with your son until he feels ready to come indoors

Then you’re a total fool and it’s no wonder your son doesn’t respect you when you clearly don’t respect yourself.

Doesn’t like going out in the cold or to crowded places but can go on a skiing holiday - what a load of bollocks 😂

@inthecornersofmymind

This, OP! Stop letting your husband walk all over you

You’re looking at this from a perspective that is very….odd.

It’s not a case of you “making” your partner do anything. It’s a case of looking at the kids and thinking, well we have a child who appears to be quite inflexible and with some behavioural issues, but who benefits from (a) being out and about and (b) seems to have an issue with discipline when it comes from mum. As a father, what is he going to do? Most caring, thoughtful dads would get more involved (including a short period outside) to try and help OF THEIR OWN VOLITION. Because they want happy kids and a loving wife. It’s just sort of how being a dad works. Dads who aren’t prepared to put their own discomforts/ preferences to one side for reasonable periods don’t end up with good relationships with their kids.

Also your unwavering acceptance of this is also not entirely normal. Do you have big things that you “won’t” do with the kids and so you feel that this is only fair to let your DH opt out? Do you work/ are you financially independent?

I am honestly beginning to think that there are some serious issues at home and this might be why your son wants to be out all the time and suddenly bolts when he sees the house. Have you considered some sort of family support via your GP? I think you could do with some help both in managing behaviour and whether the agreement that you have with your DH that neither of you have to parent if it makes you feel uncomfortable is actually going to work.

I am financially independent; I do not rely on anyone for money and I will never need to.

Our 4-year-old prefers to spend most of his time outdoors because he genuinely enjoys being outside. Even in nursery, he enjoys playing outside more.

I haven't thought about seeking family support, as I believe this is something we can handle on our own without involving professionals.

As stated earlier, I am looking for therapy for myself and have purchased some parenting books.

What's the difference between the cold here and cold on a skiing trip @inthecornersofmymind?

Maybe your DC are following the example of you DH and refusing to do things they don't want to do

My husband doesn't have to go out in the cold weather if he doesn't want to.

Dear oh dear.

Your children are learning by example and doing the same. They refuse to do things that they don’t want to do.

You don’t need a parenting book, you both just need to get a bloody grip of yourselves and stop being so wet.

What’s your DH doing?

Does your DH refuse to do the school run if it is cold @inthecornersofmymind

What do you mean?

@inthecornersofmymind OP, if you’re ok with your husband not going out, why can’t you be ok with your son not going in? Why is it ok for one and not the other?

I enjoy the routine of taking our boys to school in the morning and picking them up in the afternoon.

I have always enjoyed it, and it gives me the opportunity to spend time with some of the school mums.

I don't see the point in asking if he refuses doing school runs, since he would only need to do so if I am not able.

If there is some aspect of parenting you both don't like do you not do it, or if it was necessary would you be the default parent who has to suck it up @inthecornersofmymind

Will your DH read the parenting books as you will both need to be consistent with boundaries, parenting methods @inthecornersofmymind

I think the OP has said that you have identified the things that you will be doing to improve the situation with your son, so what will your husband be doing? Will he also read the parenting books and implement the techniques?

And would he refuse in that situation? What if he didn’t want to go to work anymore, or shower, or do any solo parenting? Would you just roll over and accept that too?

I mean is he ordering parenting books and thinking about how he can help with the behavioural issues like trying to ensure that your DS will follow basic instructions and/ or not run away? And is he trying to manage his aversion to going outside or on trips etc? Or is he taking a different approach?

Because whilst you’ve said you don’t want professional help I don’t think you can do this on your own- it needs to be a team effort.

What in the stepford wives have I just read

Where does your one year old fit in all this? You have a lot of time to spend on your threads. Does he just get ignored?

He is not one-year-old; he is two. I don't dedicate much time to responding to threads here, and no, he's not being ignored.

I spend the majority of my time with him while the boys are at school and nursery.

We are either out shopping or spending time with friends. If I choose to stay in the house until it's time to pick up the boys, I engage in playing with him or watching his favorite shows together.

Whenever I want to go out by myself or with friends for any reason, my husband will look after him.

I want to understand why you would say that, since everyone else here doesn't seem to have any concerns about our other child, who is happy, loved, and well looked after.

OP, forgive me if I'm wrong, but I'm fairly sure I recognise you from previous threads you've started. It seems your DH is very rigid in his thinking regarding parenting your boys, and this is rubbing off on them. I seem to recall your DS being upset you wouldn't buy him a toy, but your DH overriding your decision? As I'm sure I said then, you need to work on your DH, and the DC's behaviour changes will follow. Best of luck.