To want to stay home.

[inthecornersofmymind]

Every Saturday, I usually take the boys out for the day, but today is very cold and I'm not in the mood for it.

They have many things to enjoy in the house. Our 10-year-old is fine with being at home, but our 4-year-old isn't. He is by the door with his coat and shoes on, in tears.

I suggested that he play outside in the garden, but he refuses; he wants to go outside instead. I asked him if he wanted to bake, but as I suggest more activities, the more upset he gets. So I’ve just left him at the door.

My Husband isn’t bothered that he is crying at the door and has told me to leave him alone, I still feel a sense of guilt.

I'm considering taking him out for an hour or two to get some fresh air; however, the problem is that he loves being outside.

As soon as it's time to come back inside, he will refuse, and if I don't have a grip on his hand, he'll run down the street. I find myself having to offer him a bribe to get him inside, which I have been trying to put an end to.

Today, I really want to steer clear of any stress and just want to relax.

Am I being unfair to our child by not feeling up to going outside?

He is 4 years old and no longer needs a pushchair; suggesting that I should use reins is simply absurd.

You’re asking for advice but telling anyone who gives to any that they lack common sense, are absurd etc. There is not one piece of advice that you’ve said ‘thank you, I’ll give this a try’ or similar.
The fact is, you don’t have any better ideas. The only way you got him in was by getting your DH to take over. Sometimes the only way you can get him in the car is for your other child to physically lift him in. It’s not working, so you need other strategies.

Why did you come here asking for advice if you’re just going to be sneery and rude to everyone?

I beg your pardon?

I haven't been rude or disrespectful to everyone, yet it's acceptable for others to make hurtful and unpleasant comments towards me.

The suggestion of using reins on a 4-year-old is ridiculous; people should really consider their comments before making them.

It’s no more ridiculous than you needing to get your 10yo to put him in the car otherwise you can’t get anywhere, nor is it more ridiculous than you refusing to carry him inside 🤷‍♀️

OP you have a family of rigid thinkers, and you yourself appear to be a rigid thinker. Has anyone been assessed for ASD?

I hate staying home all day and think small children should get a chance to get outside every day.

It's definitely your husband's turn:

I was going to ask if the OP had ever been assessed but thought I’d get flamed 😬. The rigidity of thinking is quite telling.

As someone with autism myself I’m not convinced about ASD here. To me, it reads more as someone who has convinced themselves of certain things because that’s what her husband wants and life has been easier if she just goes along with his preferences.

Unfortunately years of going along with her DH’s wishes and sidelining her own wants, needs etc. is now coming back to bite her. I also wonder about a lack of confidence being behind her reluctance to do certain things.

It was more things like ‘he’s 4, 4 year olds don’t use reins’ and ‘noone goes swimming in winter’ type thing for me.
OP, you’re not dealing with ‘a 4 year old’, you’re dealing with the child in front of you. Things that aren’t suitable for other children his age might be appropriate for him. I’m not saying reins are the answer, but you’re dismissing any suggestion out of hand, even though your current methods are clearly not working. ‘Keep doing what you always do and you’ll keep getting what you’ve got’.

@GalaxyJam I know what you’re saying but for me it reads like a total lack of confidence in her own abilities to manage her kids, rather than rigid thinking as such.

Although that could be my own rigid thinking coming into play 😂

Honestly I am not sure I believe this OP. It sounds to me as though your DH has been given a free rein to opt out of parenting TBH. If I suddenly decided that I didn’t much like schools, dentists and swimming pools (apart from private schools in Switzerland, harley street practices and hotels in the Caribbean) where would my kids be?

On your questions if my kids refused to do what I asked I used to just stand with them until they complied. I wouldn’t engage, nor would I chat, apart from to say “we are not discussing anything until you [get in the car/ go into the house/ put your coat on].”
It basically always worked with mine as they knew I meant it.

If it doesn’t work you could also try 1-2-3 magic (google it) with a clear consequence of taking some time to consider consequences. Or I would take a timer and say, the longer it takes you to get into the car/ go into the house that time will be deducted the next time we go out.

I think the key thing is to decide on a discipline approach and stick to it rigorously.

TBH though some of the worst behaved kids I have met have been the ones where the dad opts out in some sense and leaves all the parenting to the mum. Not in all
cases but there’s definitely a correlation. As well as a clear discipline system I’d also be exploring the reasons for the bad behaviour in the first place as no 4yr old wants to be in trouble all the time.

He doesn't "know you are patient". He knows you're a complete pushover who won't enforce any punishment or consequences for his behaviour.

Gstaad? As in, one of the busiest ski resorts in Europe? Yet he doesn't like crowds or cold weather?!😆

As others have said, you're husband seems to conveniently pick and choose when he can brave the cold weather and people to suit him.

I also find it pretty sad that your 4 year old just wanted to go and play outside on a Saturday and neither of his parents were willing to take him (despite doing nothing else).

@inthecornersofmymind

why don’t you just carry on as you are, OP?

I didn't mean it in a finger pointing judgemental way, so hopefully no flaming here! Just trying to point out why some of the more obvious solution - be firmer with your 4 year old, DH wraps up and gets on with it, indoor pools are fine in winter - seem inaccessible to the OP.

No teacher is going to negotiate with 30+ children.

You're not helping him

There are lots of things where what you say has to go. Road safety for one

And who has the time to endlessly negotiate

Parents can be firm and expect obedience without being harsh or cruel about it

This. First post nails it again! 😂

Thank you for your comment. It appears that users on this platform believe they have the authority to self-diagnose others.

I am quite confident in our marriage, but I prefer to avoid unnecessary stress. This morning, my husband dropped our children off at school and nursery, and we will pick them up together this afternoon.

I am in search of therapy for myself again, and I will be ordering some parenting books.

I agree I used to walk mine like the dogs and they need to run and get fresh air. At 4 he needs to know if he buggers around next time he gets 10 minutes less and if he is good 10 minutes more etc spell it out

He doesn't mind where we go as long as we're outside the house. Thankfully, he doesn't run away in public; I honestly wouldn't know how to handle that.

He doesn't cry or get upset when I say it's time to go home; he only runs away as soon as we approach or are outside the house.

I understand that our boys need to listen and behave. Our 10-year-old usually behaves well, but he has difficulty accepting 'no' or when things don't go his way, and I am actively working on that issue.

No one tried to diagnose you, people were making suggestions.

The thing is that avoiding unnecessary stress in the short-term can lead to major problems in the long run.

Your example of your DH not wanting to out in the cold and you just accepting it is a prime example. You’re now in a position where you can’t have a Saturday at home in winter because your DH doesn’t like cold weather and you’ve just gone along with it rather than telling him to get a grip of himself.