To want to stay home.

[inthecornersofmymind]

Every Saturday, I usually take the boys out for the day, but today is very cold and I'm not in the mood for it.

They have many things to enjoy in the house. Our 10-year-old is fine with being at home, but our 4-year-old isn't. He is by the door with his coat and shoes on, in tears.

I suggested that he play outside in the garden, but he refuses; he wants to go outside instead. I asked him if he wanted to bake, but as I suggest more activities, the more upset he gets. So I’ve just left him at the door.

My Husband isn’t bothered that he is crying at the door and has told me to leave him alone, I still feel a sense of guilt.

I'm considering taking him out for an hour or two to get some fresh air; however, the problem is that he loves being outside.

As soon as it's time to come back inside, he will refuse, and if I don't have a grip on his hand, he'll run down the street. I find myself having to offer him a bribe to get him inside, which I have been trying to put an end to.

Today, I really want to steer clear of any stress and just want to relax.

Am I being unfair to our child by not feeling up to going outside?

I understand you're trying to help, but why would you suggest that I wait outside with him until he's ready to come in?

Once I have gone outside, I want to either leave or get back into the house. I wouldn't be willing to stay outside with him!

our 4 year old seems to listen to everyone but me. He knows I am very patient.

He doesn't know "you are very patient", he knows that he doesn't have to do anything you said.

In this case, certainly. It doesn't have to be like that if the parents are a team.

@inthecornersofmymind

because I’m not sure what your other options are… you refuse to pick him up and bring him inside, and negotiation and bribery isn’t working… So…yeah 🤷‍♀️

This. I do totally understand how you feel though so I'm sympathetic to you. My DS has to go out every day for at least an hour otherwise he's wild
I'm glad you didn't give in to him. Sometimes children have to learn that mum isn't up to going out all the time.
I was going to suggest your DP taking him out but you say that's not possible. Would he be able to take him out early before it's busy? At least that way if you aren't up to going out your 4 year old will have had a bit of outside time.

But you didn’t have any better ideas…

Well OP’s husband doesn’t like the cold or places with lots of people but this would appear to be selective as they went on a Christmas skiing holiday. 🤷‍♀️

Good point. I’ve never heard of a warm ski holiday with no other people around.

Which in my experience rarely happens. The most frustrating thing is that 90% of threads on here the only possible answer is "leave this man". Every other action will only prolong the misery (and teach the kids all the wrong lessons by setting a bad example).

You are allowed to decide you aren’t going outside today and your son is allowed to be upset about that.

He’s four so wailing by the door is a fairly normal reaction to disappointment at that age. That doesn’t mean it needs fixing or you’ve done anything wrong. You don’t need to feel guilty.

I cannot believe the OP started a thread on this and I cannot believe how much she's responded.

Just take your kid out for a few hours FFS.

OP my 4 year old doesn’t do this exact thing but whenever he’s refusing to do something I need him to do I just validate his feelings.

I’ll say, “You’re upset that you have to come inside now because you’re having a nice time playing outside. I can see you’re upset but it’s time to come back inside now and get cosy.” Said reassuringly and while kneeling down to his level.

I just repeat until he realises I’m not budging.

Now when I start my, “I understand your upset but…” stuff he doesn’t resist because he knows that’s that. He’s been heard/understood but it’s not going to change the outcome.

“Chooses to misbehave when he comes home.”

Oof 😕

I’m glad today worked out well for you in the end OP but it sounds as if your 4yr old is very different than your older child, and your thinking is quite rigid.

A 4 yr old isn’t “choosing” to misbehave when they get home from a long day at nursery.

I’m not suggesting you bend to his every whim but it doesn’t sound as if you understand your 4 yr old - his needs or his behaviour - which means the years ahead are going to be a hard slog.

Yes. It sounds trite but ‘all behaviour is communication’. In behaving as he is at home, he is trying to communicate something to you, and it’s not just ‘I’m naughty’.

I'd have brought him out on his own (or asked my husband to) to play outside for 10-20 minutes until he felt the cold.

I also can't see why your husband couldn't go out with him on his own to play with him nearby.

Yes, my husband really doesn't like going out in the cold unless he has to.

We live in Central London, so as you can imagine, it gets very busy. Should he need to head to a location that tends to be busy, he'll make sure to go immediately when it opens.

Gstaad offers a unique atmosphere, and skiing allows him to have fun outside. It's an enjoyable place to visit.

This thread seems to have gone off in multiple directions and tangents, but to answer the question about how you would get a stubbornly refusing 4 year old to go in to the house of their own accord…

Basically, make it fun and let them think they have some control….

• Do you want to go in to the house jumping like a frog, or roaring like a lion (let them choose and do it as they go in) change the animal or the activity up each time - ie hop on one leg; or crawling, singing ba ba black sheep, or row row your boat etc
• tell them you don’t believe in magic. If magic was real, you could close your eyes, make a wish that they’d go in to the house, count to five and when you open your eyes they’ll (hopefully!) be inside. Shout “magic is real, hooray!” Etc etc
• suggest that they aren’t big and strong enough to beat the world record of getting in to the house and taking their coat off in less that 60 seconds, no way can a 4 year old do that, it’s impossible,only a 9 year old could do it etc. when they invariably do, make a huge fuss and celebrate with a sweet or similar

basically take away any challenge or confrontation and let them think they have a say over how they’re doing it and redirect their focus in a fun way from the fact they are doing it!

good luck - 4 was the trickiest age for stubbornness and frustration in my experience!

@inthecornersofmymind

ah poor him, Op. glad he was able to fun outside skiing in spite it being cold

Does he take one/both of the kids out on a skiing holiday or is he off on his own?

It’s also cold, and busy.
People aren’t pointing this out to pick holes in your post. They’re pointing it out to show you that he can go out when it’s cold and busy when it suits him. He’s taking you for a ride.

I haven't read through the comments, only OPs posts.

I hear your frustrations and challenges with how to handle a stubborn negotiating 4 year old.
My 4 year old will negotiate to the ends of the earth.

My only advice is to set out how you want to tackle it and ride it out.
I tell my DC we are going here, it will take this long (they can't actually tell if it's 10 minutes or 20 so doesn't need to be too specific) and we will be coming home after X,Y and Z. When we get home we can have a treat snack of their choice.
If you don't come home nicely, we won't have our treat when we get in. (Still technically using bribery but as a reward system rather than to get him through the door)
He will probably lose his treat the first couple times, he will be upset that his DB has his treat and he doesn't but if there's no other issues going on he can quickly grasp that the treat comes from behaving and coming in nicely rather than after misbehaving to come home.

I also remind my DC whilst we're out, remember we have 10 minutes left til we go home, I wonder what treat mummy will choose? What treat would you like DS? Make a conversation around it but move it forward to make going home interesting too 'I'm going to race you to put my shoes and coat away'

At home I use timers but when we're out I use lots of verbal reminders.

Whatever route you take to tackle it OP, it will take weeks to change so don't be disheartened if it takes time to see a change.

You are not your child's personal entertainments officer. He needs to.learn to amuse himself.

It's a bit cold yes, but you or DH could go out for an hour or so. I do not understand why DH could not go for say a kick around with DS? As soon as everyone is moving the cold will not be relevant.

You will feel better going out, as will he. I know the situation of running off too well so try to prepare something to do after the walk. With a ND child I would say hey we will go and get/do xxxxxx after the walk, or in car, got a litttle surprise for you. Xx

I would go out the 4 of you for an hour, if have to go just you two, use reins or a pram if have to to get him back, you are the adult.