To want to stay home.

[inthecornersofmymind]

Every Saturday, I usually take the boys out for the day, but today is very cold and I'm not in the mood for it.

They have many things to enjoy in the house. Our 10-year-old is fine with being at home, but our 4-year-old isn't. He is by the door with his coat and shoes on, in tears.

I suggested that he play outside in the garden, but he refuses; he wants to go outside instead. I asked him if he wanted to bake, but as I suggest more activities, the more upset he gets. So I’ve just left him at the door.

My Husband isn’t bothered that he is crying at the door and has told me to leave him alone, I still feel a sense of guilt.

I'm considering taking him out for an hour or two to get some fresh air; however, the problem is that he loves being outside.

As soon as it's time to come back inside, he will refuse, and if I don't have a grip on his hand, he'll run down the street. I find myself having to offer him a bribe to get him inside, which I have been trying to put an end to.

Today, I really want to steer clear of any stress and just want to relax.

Am I being unfair to our child by not feeling up to going outside?

at 4 I’d them up and carry them in

Pick him up and carry him back inside.

Yes, my autistic 6 year old often refuses to come back into the house after a trip. I pick him up and carry him in if necessary.

At 4 I picked him up. At 6 I locked the garden gate (too high for him to reach) for safety and said I was going in but he could come in when he was ready. He'd normally either follow or kick a ball about for a bit.

🤣🤣

@inthecornersofmymind what would you have done if DH wasn’t home? I would just have picked him and brought him in. He needs to learn to listen to reasonable expectations. I assume school isn’t too far off the horizon

I would have tried to negotiate with him or offered him an incentive.

He behaves very well at nursery, and he is excited to start (prep) reception in September. I'm not quite comfortable with the thought of just grabbing him and bringing him indoors, I am always very gentle with the boys.

He is 4, he is someone you are having a business meeting with or need to compromise with

You say you don’t say no - what you and he need are non negotiable boundaries things he has to do and coming in after a walk is one of them. There is no blurring of that line

Your husband also needs to step up and step up first he needs to compromise as a parent and as a husband whilst also maintaining sensible boundaries as well

Truthfully I think parenting courses could help

Well then you give him the option… ‘if you don’t want to walk inside yourself, I’ll have to pick you up and carry you in’. Then it’s in his control.

You don't need to just grab him.

You say "either you walk in properly like a big boy or I'll carry you in like a baby - your choice".

Honestly, you really need to start setting boundaries and rules now, or he'll be walking all over you in a few years.

Nailed it.

I've now done an AS on OP, as another poster said that her husband was causing her difficulties. Oh boy. He is a selfish waste of space. This is about very much more than a day out.

How about signing him up for Sunday morning football?

So how did your DH get him in @inthecornersofmymind

If DS had stopped at the front door at that age, I would firstly ask him nicely to come in, if he refused I would then be firmer and tell him I would pick him up to get him in if he didn’t walk in. Wouldn’t be a straight to pick him up, but wouldn’t be ages negotiating with him

Being a mother is hard work. Being a father, not so much...

I am not too sure what was said, our 4 year old seems to listen to everyone but me. He knows I am very patient.

There are also times when he doesn't want to get in the car, and our 10-year-old simply lifts him and places him inside. I really appreciate his help because it eases my stress, but he shouldn't have to jump in.

You're leaving it to your 10 year old? Why is it ok for him to pick him up but not you?

You seem absolutely terrified of confrontation and upsetting people. It's not fair to abdicate responsibility to your eldest.

I think trying to negotiate confuses them at this age, as they feel like you are giving them the choice to stay outside like a kind of trick question, setting them up to fail. They thrive on firm boundaries. I've always tried to be a gentle parent and my ND DC thrive on that, but true gentle parenting involves very firm boundaries. I would say something like 'I know you are sad that we can't stay outside but we need to come in now. Would you like to walk in or would you like mummy to carry you?'. If they don't come in I would say 'ok I'm going to carry you in'. Give them choices that both get the desired outcome if that makes sense? I think the most important thing is that you try to stay calm and regulated. If you are on instagram there are loads of helpful parenting pages on there eg 'ahealthvisitor' 'susierobbins.behaviour' or 'nurturedfirst'

@inthecornersofmymind

why is it ok for your ten year old to pick him up when needed, but not you??

It doesn't sound like you're patient, it sounds like you're a pushover and even your 10yo has had enough of it.

Honestly, you need to get a backbone, and fast.

Jesus wept.

Yes. My daughter. She’s nearly 12 and autistic. When she was smaller, we could just bundle her back into her buggy. Not a chance we could
do that now, so we just have to wait it out. Sometimes for hours, in the cold.
But we still take her to the park because it’s incredibly important for her physical and mental wellbeing that she gets some fresh air and exercise.

@inthecornersofmymind

what about if you just stay outside with him OP until he’s ready to come inside?

If he’s anything like my son that could be hours! Literally.