To want to stay home.

[inthecornersofmymind]

Every Saturday, I usually take the boys out for the day, but today is very cold and I'm not in the mood for it.

They have many things to enjoy in the house. Our 10-year-old is fine with being at home, but our 4-year-old isn't. He is by the door with his coat and shoes on, in tears.

I suggested that he play outside in the garden, but he refuses; he wants to go outside instead. I asked him if he wanted to bake, but as I suggest more activities, the more upset he gets. So I’ve just left him at the door.

My Husband isn’t bothered that he is crying at the door and has told me to leave him alone, I still feel a sense of guilt.

I'm considering taking him out for an hour or two to get some fresh air; however, the problem is that he loves being outside.

As soon as it's time to come back inside, he will refuse, and if I don't have a grip on his hand, he'll run down the street. I find myself having to offer him a bribe to get him inside, which I have been trying to put an end to.

Today, I really want to steer clear of any stress and just want to relax.

Am I being unfair to our child by not feeling up to going outside?

Right. She or DH could have done 30 mins outdoor runaround in a fraction of the time it’s taken to maintain the thread.

Hasn’t he. I wonder what he’s doing while the op is doing all the parenting because he doesn’t like going out with them on a Saturday.

Threads like these are why I am in continual awe of the ridiculousness of replies I see on MN every day (and also why I keep coming back 🫠)

Is it wrong to stay at home for ONE Saturday, after weeks and weeks of going out EVERY Saturday? Nope!

Is it OK for the father to effectively opt out of parenting situations where it involves cold weather, or other people? Also nope!

OP - sounds like you're quite rightly a bit fed up that you're the only parent bothering to do these things, and have reached the end of your tether hence wanting to stay home, but refuse to admit it to yourself or MN.

Gosh that's difficult.

Can't go out when it's busy or people about so that rules out doing anything in nice weather.

On a colder day then park is likely to be less busy and not many people about. But your husband doesn't like the cold.

I'm assuming your husband doesn't like when the kids are noisy and so you take them out then as well? Or maybe he manages to brave the outdoors at those time and sit in a beer garden.

As many people have said, plenty of parents dislike lots of things but end up doing them.

You're not unreasonable for saying no to your child.

You're unreasonable for pandering to the man child you call a husband. Your friends and mum shouldn't have to pick up the slack because he can't be arsed with the kids he helped create.

Of course the pool would be heated op. Which indoor ones aren’t?

Honestly op you’re coming across as bonkers. It was a suggestion - that you asked for on a public forum.

There’s nothing wrong with a day at home for any reason whatsoever

Your 4 year old, however, seems to thrive on his rigid routine so needs to be adequately supported when it deviates. It sounds like there’s quite a lot of frustration with the 4 year old in general but this seems to be down to his disregulation and that’s more complex to solve than just expecting him to ‘behave’.

Your husband sounds like a real problem and, as pps have said, you seem to have much higher expectations for your son than you do from him. Apart from the ambiguous ‘he makes an effort’, there’s no mention of him stepping up to actively parent alongside you. You seem to be doing it all and the excuses you are brainwashing yourself with about him are potentially very damaging to you and your children in the long run.

I’m afraid op that my prediction is that your sons behaviour will get worse and worse.

The reason I think this is his first male role model does whatever the fuck he wants, nothing at all that he doesn’t like doing, no compromise to make anyone else happy.

so of course your son will copy this.

of course he will have tantrums if he’s told to get in a car when he doesn’t want to.

because his dad doesn’t have to do anything he doesn’t want to do, and you enable that, so he’s going to think that’s how the world works.

You need to change your mindset on this. All this talk about him choosing to be bad - his behaviour is his way of expressing his emotions and frustrations, you need to try to understand what's happening with him not labelling him.
this will make things easier for both of you!

You've probably noticed I'm not in the best place right now, and I've been dealing with it for a while.

This is the platform I will turn to whenever I need to discuss any difficulties or issues I'm dealing with.

I've been here for some time, but I've never had the courage to post.

My thoughts exactly. DH gets frustrated and angsty when he doesn't get out of the house 🤣🤣🤣

OP, I hope it didn't come across that I was being negative towards you. It was (meant to be) a supportive post - as I could feel this was the case, from your replies. (not wanting to sound woo or full of myself but I'm a working, chartered psychologist, and I heard you). ❤️

🤗 ❤️

It’s not ridiculous reply’s for posters to suggest you get a 4 year old outside for a tiny part of the day .

it’s ridiculous TWO parents at home all day and one of them can’t take the kid outside for even half an hour!

In all honesty what it sounds like to us is that what your husband doesn't enjoy is parenting his children.

I don't enjoy being in crowded places and noisy soft play and playgrounds and messy church or loud splashy swimming pools and all the other activities that kids like. It's not a get out of jail free card to never do it.

So in this reply are you saying that you do recognise your husband's lack of involvement in taking the kids out is in fact an issue, but as that poster said you are struggling to admit it on here?

I do hope you are able to talk to your husband about your struggles whether you feel he has contributed to how you feel or not.

He really needs to step up especially if you’re struggling.

To the people gleefully face palming etc- I hope you feel superior.

Man people on here are so nasty and self-righteous/holier than thou. Yeah it is colder getting in and out of a public pool in the winter, regardless of whether it is heated.

Yeah some parents have days where they can’t go out . Just not wanting to is fine.

No the 4 year old doesn’t get to dictate to the whole household.

OP made a good choice to put her needs first and the 4 year old is fine and has learnt he can’t control outcomes through a tantrum.

All the best OP. Some of the pp’s are correct about maybe talking through deviations in routine. I found it useful to draw what was going to happen in the day and talk it through.

You are the parent and you said no, and no means no. Children need to learn that you can’t always have what you want. If he wants to go out, open the back door and let him play in the garden.

why can’t he play in the garden?

If I may, he sounds overstimulated, coupled with lack of access to his much needed source of emotional regulation (free play outside) and that’s more likely the reason his behaviour is getting unmanageable. You’ve said yourself you go on holiday every school holiday, plus two holidays at Christmas, plus nursery 5 days a week. Where’s his down time? He’s not choosing to be naughty.

I dont think you sound like a bad parent op but I dont think your husband is a good one .

Whatever the weather, my kids benefit from getting out and about. Kids need walkies

Does your DH never participate in outings with the kids OP?

I appreciate your comment and kindness, thank you.

I will always choose to ignore nasty comments. There are people who really enjoy bringing others down. I’ll never allow them that kind of satisfaction.

I think the issue with replies on this thread are that people are focusing in on different aspect of what you have told us.

• Should a 4 yr old be able to dictate what the household does ? No
• Should you give in to a small child's tantrum ? No
• However, if there is something you do every Saturday and you aren't doing it for some reason, would it be sensible to give him some warning of this in advance, and then distract, distract, distract ?^ Absolutely
• In life, is it a big issue if a child doesn't go out one day? Depends on the child. I have had 3 dc. 2 needed to go out and run off steam every day. One didn't. It sounds as if in this case, the dc does do better for getting out each day. Obviously if there is a good reason not to, then that is the way it has to be, but when the only reason is his Dad opting out of parenting.....
• Is it 'too cold' today to go out for an hour ? No, of course not (presuming you are in the UK). We've got snow where I am and families have been having so much fun. I do realise much of the country hasn't had snow settling, but there is no reason to stay in all day.
• Is playing in the garden on your own the same as going out with your Mum or Dad? No
• Why is the OP excusing her dh just opting out of doing any parenting ? I have no idea. This is the bit that is bizarre.

The question wasn’t at all ‘is it too cold to go out’. The question was that, as the OP doesn’t want to go out today because SHE feels it is too cold, should she capitulate to her 4 year old? It had nothing to do with it being too cold for the child.

parents are entitled to do things they want too. And as usual, people on this board like to pick things apart so far from the original question as they enjoy seeing themselves as superior humans and like to bring people down a peg or two.

At one point a few posters were trying to dig into which things the OP doesn’t like doing with her kid so they could have a go at her for that too.

The madness is that there are many posts where the same posters would be indignant about how well behaved their kids are and it’s all down to discipline and boundaries.

it’s just whatever way the wind blows.