To have walked out the house and left DP to his mood.

[Dreamscapes]

Every January, DP cuts out alcohol and sugar, which results in him being really moody. He has been insufferable for the last few days, grumpy, snappy. We have 3 children; his older two, teenagers daughters, and a one year old together.

A couple of days ago, I made an appointment to have my nails done today and get the two older teenagers nails removed (they are now back at school and aren’t allowed nails). DP offered to look after our one year old, then later remarked it would mean he would have to miss his hobby - golf. He wants to play every other weekend, which I feel is too much, so it’s already a sore subject.

Golf has been a contentious issue because he is out of the house from 8am - 4.30pm, essentially the entirety of Saturday. I also work, so it feels like an extension of my working week, caring for the one year old alone. In exchange, he has offered to pay our nanny for an extra day so I can also ‘have a day to myself’ which I haven’t agreed to as it seems selfish, it’s a lot of money and I’m not sure I want our one year old with the nanny another day just so he can play golf and I can go off and do my own thing.

Anyway, this morning I returned home from the nail salon with the two teenagers, having obviously taken them to the appointment and paid to have their nails sorted. Within five minutes of being home, DP decided we were both going to sort the toddlers toys out (and also made a statement about how much he’d done that morning, which I ignored). As we were sorting the toys, our toddler got stuck behind the sofa and began to cry. I asked him if he could move the sofa for me so I could get our toddler out safely. At that point he exclaimed, ‘For fucks sake, what do you do when I’m not here?’

I replied, ‘He’s never done this before. You are being very unpleasant, you are much better when you are drinking and eating sugar. The teenagers have also complained about you being moody, so if you’re going to continue I’d rather you went out for the day.’

He then stated, ‘well I can’t go anywhere because I’ve missed golf.’

I said, ‘you can go anywhere, just stop being moody and talking to me like that, I haven’t done anything wrong.’

He responded, ‘Well you’re annoying me.’

I replied, ‘I haven’t done anything, what have I possibly done to annoy you?’

To which he responded, ‘I haven’t got time to go through everything you do that annoys me.’

I then said, ‘If you aren’t going to go out then I will.’

He said, ‘Go on then.’

I’m now sat in a cafe having a coffee.

AIBU?

An alcoholic golf wanker. Straight in the bin

If she'd have cancelled her 'precious nails' he still wouldn't have been able to play golf, because he'd have had to take HIS teen daughters to have their nails off ready for school, and pay for it too. As it was OP very kindly sacrificed her alone time and her money to do that for HIS children.

He's a complete waste of space. I would get a divorce pronto. Or at least, when your son is a bit older. Start quietly on a fact finding mission about finances, he seems the type that might try to hide assets. You would be better on your own with your baby than with this loser.

I think I'd go with that. It's no different from if you worked a 4 and then a 5 day week. Have you thought of taking up golf?

18 holes of golf is a hobby for a single man or a man whose kids have grown up and left home. It is unreasonable for him to have a hobby that takes up an entire day. Why doesn’t he play 9 holes instead?
Or take up cycling? At least he would be getting some decent exercise.

Good lord, what kind of men do you know!? That is nothing like the men I know. However, an obese sugar addict alcoholic is going to be old before their time, regardless of sex.

Teenage girls don't need their nails done - and it's really bad for your nails, too. Why could they not go on the week-day when OP was off work?

I think you're missing the point. The DDs had already had their nails done, presumably with the agreement of one of their parents (OP is not their parent) so they didn't them 'done'.
However, they did need them off, for school rules, so someone did need to take them. Which is their dad's responsibility. Why should OP have to take his children in the week so he can have his Saturday free? She was doing him enough of a favour taking them at all.

How come “he pays for everything”? @Dreamscapes

Missing the point, perhaps, that you would rather have family time. And would want him to want family time, rather than leave-the-child-with-the-nanny-and-do-our-own-separate-thing time?

@Dreamscapes

What's the point of him detoxing from sugar going through it for a month and then stopping? He does the hard part and then goes back to sugar?

I wouldn't be with a man who swears like that at me. Probably old-fashioned but I just won't tolerate it. I'd be expecting a massive apology after that outburst.

My DH plays golf every Saturday but he starts at 730 and is home by 12pm. No drinks no breakfast.

My husbands friend loved golf but was an involved father.
He was on the course at daylight and back by 11am during the summer months.
His wife agreed that this was acceptable.
All day Saturday drove my friend to return to tennis and she took Sunday to herself, the same number of hours as golf.
It took a few months of him doing all the matches, parties etc., on a sunday for him to suggest that perhaps it wasn't the best idea with 4 children. She was half disappointed as she had gotten to enjoy her sundays after a hard week.

Teens look after themselves. It's hardly hard work taking a couple of people out is it. Stop being so dramatic

Well, yes. But who had the nails done in the first place? OP also had her nails done, which is fine but so is going to play golf. It seems to me that on here half the posters think 2 cans of ale a night = alcoholic (which means they have never, never come across an alcoholic!) and the rest think a man of 39 has one foot in the grave and needs ditching. Heaven alone knows why OP took on a man with two teenage daughters but she did. They need to sort out their relationship, OP's DH needs to change his diet (which will have a deleterious effect on his health and thus his behaviour) or they need to separate - which he has done before, after all. It's either do the work or dump each other. Up to them, really, bearing in mind they have a child.
More temperately, I would not consider taking my step-daughters to a nail bar to be doing my DH a favour. I would just do it. And I'd take up the nanny, too - though who pays is moot, they are married, surely finances are mutual? If not, that's another can of worms to sort out.

They aren’t married. Depending on whose name is on the assets she might well be walking away with nothing.

Everyone is grumpy and snappy from time to time but to me it’s how they react when pulled up on it that counts.

DH can be really grumpy when he’s tired or stressed. But if I point out that he’s being rude and I’m not the cause of his mood he usually recognises it and apologises for taking it out on me. And likewise I’ll apologise if I project my mood onto others.

that he just doubles down and carries on at you is awful. He needs to own his mood and not make everyone else miserable.

And you managed to conclude that? Over -reaction much? People on here are insane

I agree with you about how he spoke to her, nobody should have to put up with that.

The golf can take that long though. If he's only doing it every other week he might be doing two rounds, 18 holes, lunch and then another 18. That could easily take that long in my experience as a round is usually 4-4.5 hrs.

😂😂

yeah. Enjoy your coffee :)

Sadly OP you're not wrong about that and it's a very commonly seen complaint regarding DP's and DH's here on MN...🙄
The sad fact is that if not nipped in the bud this blossoming, narcissistic, mean spirited behaviour will continue and could escalate to not being restricted to January as it's a fact that many men do not even need the excuse of sugar/alcohol deprivation to act in this unpleasant relationship destroying way and which in many cases can develop into serious mental abuse or worse.😡
I wish you luck and hope that you and your DP can work things out but if he is not prepared to discuss the issues, listen to you and appreciate that it is not acceptable to use you to take his frustrations out on which can only be a huge negative for your lives together going forward, then you will absolutely have to have a serious talk with yourself regarding what's best for you and your child.😥

Good for you and I’m so glad you didn’t take your child either - will do H good and he can reflect on how horrible he is to you.
Are you sure he’s better for the rest of the year??

Agree

No - of course you are not being unreasonable - but you are being a bit silly. So is DP. You state that you get along for 11 months out of 12. You’ve had a stupid slanging match over feelings which the pair of you have been keeping to yourselves. Be honest with each other. Talk. And have a re-set. And ignore the heartless comments on here suggesting you should move away. Cheer up. And as a busy 28 year old Mum - have a re- think about the chance of a little extra ‘me time’.