To have walked out the house and left DP to his mood.

[Dreamscapes]

Every January, DP cuts out alcohol and sugar, which results in him being really moody. He has been insufferable for the last few days, grumpy, snappy. We have 3 children; his older two, teenagers daughters, and a one year old together.

A couple of days ago, I made an appointment to have my nails done today and get the two older teenagers nails removed (they are now back at school and aren’t allowed nails). DP offered to look after our one year old, then later remarked it would mean he would have to miss his hobby - golf. He wants to play every other weekend, which I feel is too much, so it’s already a sore subject.

Golf has been a contentious issue because he is out of the house from 8am - 4.30pm, essentially the entirety of Saturday. I also work, so it feels like an extension of my working week, caring for the one year old alone. In exchange, he has offered to pay our nanny for an extra day so I can also ‘have a day to myself’ which I haven’t agreed to as it seems selfish, it’s a lot of money and I’m not sure I want our one year old with the nanny another day just so he can play golf and I can go off and do my own thing.

Anyway, this morning I returned home from the nail salon with the two teenagers, having obviously taken them to the appointment and paid to have their nails sorted. Within five minutes of being home, DP decided we were both going to sort the toddlers toys out (and also made a statement about how much he’d done that morning, which I ignored). As we were sorting the toys, our toddler got stuck behind the sofa and began to cry. I asked him if he could move the sofa for me so I could get our toddler out safely. At that point he exclaimed, ‘For fucks sake, what do you do when I’m not here?’

I replied, ‘He’s never done this before. You are being very unpleasant, you are much better when you are drinking and eating sugar. The teenagers have also complained about you being moody, so if you’re going to continue I’d rather you went out for the day.’

He then stated, ‘well I can’t go anywhere because I’ve missed golf.’

I said, ‘you can go anywhere, just stop being moody and talking to me like that, I haven’t done anything wrong.’

He responded, ‘Well you’re annoying me.’

I replied, ‘I haven’t done anything, what have I possibly done to annoy you?’

To which he responded, ‘I haven’t got time to go through everything you do that annoys me.’

I then said, ‘If you aren’t going to go out then I will.’

He said, ‘Go on then.’

I’m now sat in a cafe having a coffee.

AIBU?

Well he hasn’t put a ring on it so may not be a bad idea lol

He is a wonderful dad to his daughters - they adore him - and he does all school runs etc. I tend to do girly things like nails because I enjoy doing that for myself and taking them with me. I absolutely was not doing any of the parenting like school runs and made it very clear from the outset.

He's just being a typical whiney bloke. Just make sure you tell him you're not happy with his yearly behaviour and this is the last January you're putting up with this site. Going forwards, it's unlikely he will change from the every other weekly golf thing so he's got to factor that amount of habitual drinking in when he kick starts his moderation routine. I've never seen the point in dry January.

Some things here. There’s a reason for the term ‘golf widow’ existing - golf does stretch all day long.

Do your step daughters live with you full time or is it split? Struggling to see why you are looking after his 2 teenage daughters (the nails is a red herring) while he wants to go out golfing. Even worse if they are not sole or primary custody.

You’re 28. He’s 39 and sounds selfish and entitled. Looking to the future of ‘nurse with a purse’. His dry Jan and sugar withdrawal is not your concern.

I like a drink and even I think 12 beers is quite a lot in a week at home.

Are you ok OP? What time do you get for yourself? I hear you have a nanny in the week because t you’re working - full time? Sounds like you do quite a lot of the parenting, if his reaction to looking after the one year old is anything to go by.

Him doing his own children’s school runs is basic service - it is not knocking the lights out. Fun dads are ‘adored’ btw.

@Dreamscapes
Is there anything in the relationship that is worth salvaging?

He has sole custody.

What is a ‘nurse with a purse’?

I work 4 days a week, he works full time in a very demanding and stressful job. He is a high earner. He wants to pay the nanny so our toddler is with the nanny 5 days a week and the day I’m not working I can have to myself and he can then have his golf day.

I know that, I was just using that as the example that he does all the parenting of his children, I don’t do any of it, nor do I think I should be parenting teenagers given I’m 28, they’d find it weird.

Why are nails more an ‘unnecessary luxury’ than golf?! The OP was taking the teenagers too. Nails aren’t my thing either but I can’t stand the elevation of traditional male pursuits above female ones.

it sounds like you both bring the worst out of each other and whatever love, support and kindness was there in your relationship is long gone
end it now, op

I hadn’t thought about the fact you’re relatively close to his daughters age tbh until you pointed it out.

you’ve had a child with him and he’s a high earner and yet, you’re not married?

Is that beneficial for you?

Also, nails are two hours maximum not an entire day so it’s hardly an equivalent.

Maybe this poster is my DP 😂

We’re getting married this year.

You are doomed now....most mumsnetters despise an age gap relationship!
Anything and everything you say will now be ascribed to the age gap.
It's almost as if people with 12 month or less ages gaps never have problems or split up!

Why would you marry someone who is abusive to you?

Ah ok. Fair enough

I’m not sure I’d say he’s abusive, he’s just a twat every January.

Sounds like a mild marital squabble. Enjoy a coffee in peace. Go home, tell him to stop being a grumpy bastard and enjoy the rest of your weekend together.

I wouldn’t marry him tbh.

I’m not typically a fan of age gaps larger than 10 years, but tbh there’s also so many people on MN with the kind of massive age gaps that I’ve never encountered in real life 😂 (gaps of 25+ years ), and so I don’t think “most” of them “despise” an age gap relationship. It’s probably 50/50.

I was the one who first asked about if there was an age gap as to me it sounded like Op was young and her husband wasn’t.

Completely agree. Dh is 40 and I am 39. Huge change, not just him but me also. I have less energy and to be honest feel we have both gotten a bit selfish, and do have to walk things back. We are finding, age, no support, juggling kids with wider issues, and more life stresses is the cause. I do highlight his old man moods, how his younger self would be mortified!
It is the reason we didn't have a third! I think this age is definately a reminder that you're middle age, and this is more hammered home if you've lost any immediate/close relatives.

Exactly what I was thinking.

OP, in your shoes I'd take him up on the nanny offer because you should both get time to do things you enjoy away from the home. In the long term, though, if he's like this, do you really want your life to be spent with someone as petulant as he sounds?

Also 39 is not grumpy old man. It's barely middle aged.

‘Nurse with a purse’ is an older man who marries a younger woman and expects her to not only act as his nurse but also pay at best a share of the bills and at worst all of them (rather than paying a fortune for care as he would have to otherwise).

See also ‘nanny with a fanny’ where a (usually) younger man does this in regard to childcare for the children he had with a previous partner.

If he earns a lot more than you and by the sound of it is willing to pay a lot of the bills, this may not apply.

I wouldn’t advise dropping any more days at work as an unmarried partner but once you are married, could you go down to 3 days a week and keep the nanny for 4? That way you have 2 days with your child and a day for yourself.

Alternatively, if you can’t live with the golf day, you need to start getting your ducks in a row to leave. Bear in mind since you aren’t married, you aren’t entitled to anything in his name. Hopefully your name is on the house if it comes to that.

That's one twelfth of your life.

Over a decade, that adds up a whole year of him being horrible to you.

But of course he will be all smiles and generosity with his golf buddies. They get better treatment that you do.