To have walked out the house and left DP to his mood.

[Dreamscapes]

Every January, DP cuts out alcohol and sugar, which results in him being really moody. He has been insufferable for the last few days, grumpy, snappy. We have 3 children; his older two, teenagers daughters, and a one year old together.

A couple of days ago, I made an appointment to have my nails done today and get the two older teenagers nails removed (they are now back at school and aren’t allowed nails). DP offered to look after our one year old, then later remarked it would mean he would have to miss his hobby - golf. He wants to play every other weekend, which I feel is too much, so it’s already a sore subject.

Golf has been a contentious issue because he is out of the house from 8am - 4.30pm, essentially the entirety of Saturday. I also work, so it feels like an extension of my working week, caring for the one year old alone. In exchange, he has offered to pay our nanny for an extra day so I can also ‘have a day to myself’ which I haven’t agreed to as it seems selfish, it’s a lot of money and I’m not sure I want our one year old with the nanny another day just so he can play golf and I can go off and do my own thing.

Anyway, this morning I returned home from the nail salon with the two teenagers, having obviously taken them to the appointment and paid to have their nails sorted. Within five minutes of being home, DP decided we were both going to sort the toddlers toys out (and also made a statement about how much he’d done that morning, which I ignored). As we were sorting the toys, our toddler got stuck behind the sofa and began to cry. I asked him if he could move the sofa for me so I could get our toddler out safely. At that point he exclaimed, ‘For fucks sake, what do you do when I’m not here?’

I replied, ‘He’s never done this before. You are being very unpleasant, you are much better when you are drinking and eating sugar. The teenagers have also complained about you being moody, so if you’re going to continue I’d rather you went out for the day.’

He then stated, ‘well I can’t go anywhere because I’ve missed golf.’

I said, ‘you can go anywhere, just stop being moody and talking to me like that, I haven’t done anything wrong.’

He responded, ‘Well you’re annoying me.’

I replied, ‘I haven’t done anything, what have I possibly done to annoy you?’

To which he responded, ‘I haven’t got time to go through everything you do that annoys me.’

I then said, ‘If you aren’t going to go out then I will.’

He said, ‘Go on then.’

I’m now sat in a cafe having a coffee.

AIBU?

This sounds fair enough.

What is not on is his January moods.

He's having alcohol withdrawal by the sound of it. Instead of just stopping for a month it sounds as though it needs to be permanent. Also if it affects him so badly then he's better off only going without the alcohol and starting back on the sugar, as I'd say it's the lesser of the two evils.

She has a one year old and works part time. She definitely needs to marry!

This sounds like a pretty reasonable compromise. It would be the same hours that baby would be with the nanny if you were working full time. You get a break, he gets a break. We all need a little downtime.

Anyone else horrified that teenagers are trashing their young nails with gel. Urgh.

Jesus christ. The responses here!
Mumsnet at it's finest!
A bloke is abusive because he's a bit of a grumpy twat for a couple of weeks a year?
People are acting like she should divorce him for quite reasonably wanting to do a hobby once a fortnight.
Why is 'looking after' a 1 year old alone such a challenge of the century?
And why did OP have to make her nail appointment for the same day as the once fortnightly golf?
Get a grip everyone
Yes he's being a grumpy arse. Just tell him so and then ignore him. No one is perfect, I can be a grumpy snappy arse at the best of times. No one is perfect.

@Dreamscapes As we were sorting the toys, our toddler got stuck behind the sofa and began to cry. I asked him if he could move the sofa for me so I could get our toddler out safely. At that point he exclaimed, ‘For fucks sake, what do you do when I’m not here?’

Why did you not move the sofa to get the toddler out?

I really don't understand this mentality- some people see something that needs to be done, and their immediate reaction is to tell someone else to do it, rather than just doing it. It's very strange.

For me it was football...Home or Away...I'd look forward to the weekend and then be lonely...until I built a community and went out for company ...not easy with a 1 year old though...that he ought to want to spend time with

It's incredible to me that a young 25 year old woman would get together with a 36 year old man with daughters nearly her own age. I would be horrified if my daughters did that.

He sounds awful OP - paying the nanny so he can play golf? Shouting at you? and ridiculously you think he's a fantastic father because he takes his girls to school?

I'm doing dry Jan and am on a diet and I manage not to shout at anyone - in fact it makes me feel much healthier after the first couple of days.

Awesome!

So who looks after them every Saturday while he golfs or are they both left to their own devices while he, you and baby are absent?

I'm also assuming this wonderful dad also helps them with their laundry, bedding, rooms, any homework etc etc. The basics of parenting.

Tell him next Jan he needs to move out for a month. I know a lot of ppl give up booze in Jan but sugar? Seems a bit extreme.

Depends if you have a nice heavy quality sofa doesnt it? Plus a good parent would need the other to check moving it wasnt impinging on the 1 year old behind it..basic really

in 10 years time, see what he's like. Probably (given he eats so much shit, drinks so much beer and has a stressful job) overweight, stressed and on his way to a heart attack. She will be 38.

i think it sounds like a typical perfectly normal adult relationship! Especially in dull cold miserable January. It’s not always like a bloody romcom even in a good relationship despite what everyone seems to think on Mumsnet. Yes he’s being grumpy - doesn’t mean he has a serious drug problem ffs. Sure you’ll get through it - maybe let him play golf every weekend in January next year - get him out of your hair and it’ll cheer him up. Maybe you could agree he has the kids on the Sunday/cooks the roast to make up for it? At least he’s trying to be healthy.

Well he'd be coming home from golf earlier if he's not drinking alcohol. Is he a moody arse and speaks like he spoke to you with his golfing buddies? I doubt that very much.

For what it’s worth I’m in an age gap marriage and my DH didn’t go through the personality transplant being described here until over 50 and by then I was in my own whirlwind of perimenopause, so it was pretty 50/50 in being an arse.

but in case I missed it: why does he have sole custody?

It's not about the alcohol and sugar.

He's punishing you for not letting him play golf all day by making sure he's an industrious busy bee around the house, and making sure you are too. You wanted him at home to 'help' and also to spend time together as a family, so he's keeping you both as tied up as possible with dull but necessary tasks, to prove a point.

He's tried buying you off with an extra day's childcare so you are free to go out and do as you like by yourself every second saturday, but that didn't work. So he's certainly not going to give you the benefit of a relaxing saturday spent with him and your toddler doing nothing much and just enjoying it, while he has to suffer like a golfless martyr.

You sound hard work to be honest. It was a little squabble that you've blown out of proportion. I'd be in a bad mood too if I'd offered you a day to yourself every week but you still complained about me having a day a fortnight to do a hobby I enjoy.

Of all the mental takes on Mumsnet this is right up there

😂😂

I wouldn't marry someone who speaks to me like that...

He pays for everything pretty much and he’s already been told if he needs caring for I’ll be getting a carer for him so not to expect me to wipe his arse 😂

My eyebrows crept up and up when reading the back and forth between you. No way would I put up with anyone speaking to me like that. He has the self-awareness and emotional maturity of his toddler. How dare he speak to an adult like that?

I don’t know what you can do now seeing as you have a child together. Three women/young girls witnessing this man child throw a tantrum because he wants sugar. I’d die of shame if I were him. I hope he has redeeming features because he’s not sounding like much of a catch at the minute.

I think it's well within the capabilities of one person to get a toddler unstuck from behind a sofa.

I also do not see why a woman would not be capable of moving a sofa (unless of course she is not able-bodied).

Is there a rule no one year olds on a golf course ?