To have walked out the house and left DP to his mood.

[Dreamscapes]

Every January, DP cuts out alcohol and sugar, which results in him being really moody. He has been insufferable for the last few days, grumpy, snappy. We have 3 children; his older two, teenagers daughters, and a one year old together.

A couple of days ago, I made an appointment to have my nails done today and get the two older teenagers nails removed (they are now back at school and aren’t allowed nails). DP offered to look after our one year old, then later remarked it would mean he would have to miss his hobby - golf. He wants to play every other weekend, which I feel is too much, so it’s already a sore subject.

Golf has been a contentious issue because he is out of the house from 8am - 4.30pm, essentially the entirety of Saturday. I also work, so it feels like an extension of my working week, caring for the one year old alone. In exchange, he has offered to pay our nanny for an extra day so I can also ‘have a day to myself’ which I haven’t agreed to as it seems selfish, it’s a lot of money and I’m not sure I want our one year old with the nanny another day just so he can play golf and I can go off and do my own thing.

Anyway, this morning I returned home from the nail salon with the two teenagers, having obviously taken them to the appointment and paid to have their nails sorted. Within five minutes of being home, DP decided we were both going to sort the toddlers toys out (and also made a statement about how much he’d done that morning, which I ignored). As we were sorting the toys, our toddler got stuck behind the sofa and began to cry. I asked him if he could move the sofa for me so I could get our toddler out safely. At that point he exclaimed, ‘For fucks sake, what do you do when I’m not here?’

I replied, ‘He’s never done this before. You are being very unpleasant, you are much better when you are drinking and eating sugar. The teenagers have also complained about you being moody, so if you’re going to continue I’d rather you went out for the day.’

He then stated, ‘well I can’t go anywhere because I’ve missed golf.’

I said, ‘you can go anywhere, just stop being moody and talking to me like that, I haven’t done anything wrong.’

He responded, ‘Well you’re annoying me.’

I replied, ‘I haven’t done anything, what have I possibly done to annoy you?’

To which he responded, ‘I haven’t got time to go through everything you do that annoys me.’

I then said, ‘If you aren’t going to go out then I will.’

He said, ‘Go on then.’

I’m now sat in a cafe having a coffee.

AIBU?

@HelenHywater- fuck me that's nuts. I'm going to assume you're joking.

He's a middle aged man who drinks quite a bit and sounds alcohol dependent if he gets this nasty when he goes dry. His diet sucks and his exercise is golf every second week. He speaks to you disrespectfully.

He's a fixer upper in bad shape. The alcohol, the diet, the lack of exercise, the attitude, mental, physical, emotional, this is the whole package and it's not looking too good other than the financial package.

Rather than go sober,and sugar free for a month then back to bad habits, can you talk to him about more gradual but permanent lifestyle changes? His health is really going to suffer the way he's going.

Would he consider limiting or stopping his alcohol intake? Alcohol is hepatotoxic and neurotoxic and he's at the age where he's not metabolizing it as well as well as possibly being dependent on it.

Would he do some daily exercise? I think golf every two weeks is fine as a hobby, but he needs regular exercise also. His paying for a nanny is a good compromise.

His diet, yikes Could you guys throw some money at it and order meal delivery service for a while?

His attitude. He seems to take you for granted and is taking his withdrawal from alcohol and sugar out on you. He's downright nasty to you. That's unacceptable. I'd suggest marriage counseling because he seems a bit contemptuous of you and that's not a good sign in a marriage.

So, he's an alcoholic and he's just gone cold turkey? The aggression sounds like a typical alcoholic.

There's a reason why he's not with the mother of his two older children, and it has nothing to do with cutting out sugar and alcohol one month of the year.

Honestly, it sounds to me like you’ve got a pretty good deal. You say the two of you get on must of the time, he’s a good father and he pays for everything. I’d put up with golf once a fortnight and him being a bit grumpy every January for that!

Personally, I’d get the ring on my finger (to secure my legal position), drop a day or two at work and take the extra day with the nanny. However, I’m not you. If you can’t put up with it (or if you think his behaviour is a sign of him having issues with alcohol) you need to consider the alternative. Can you support / do you want to support yourself and your child with his only contribution being child support? If you want to but can’t at the moment, it’s time for you to start making changes so you can.

My local golf course says no under 6s so there may be.

Also, even if there isn’t a rule, taking a young child would be wholly unfair to the people he is playing with and to other people on the course (since child care would slow down play).

I suspect the courses that don’t have such a rule haven’t had anyone who has been batshit enough to think you can combine toddler care with a game.

I'd just take him up on the offer of a nanny - then you both get a day off parenting and everyone's happy? You don't have to use the nanny every time but having the option would be good. I get you want him to parent - but it sounds like he doesn't want to. At least he's come up with a solution!

As for being a twat every January - I'd just move out for that month and avoid him 😅 get him to pay for you an air BnB and since he gets every Saturday off, you get an alone January holiday! In seriousness though, the nanny. Do it.

While this may be the case, the OP says he has sole custody. That’s not usually consistent with the marriage breakdown being the custodial parent’s fault.

I won’t go into it but I’ll just say it’s very unusual for a parent to get sole custody unless there has been some sort of abuse or neglect involved.

OP's question was simple - was she BU to walk out today? No, if things are getting heated removing yourself is recommended.

If your diet is chocolate, cake and biscuits, what on earth is the point of ‘giving up sugar’ every January? Is it to ‘prove he can do it’? Because he’s not - he’s demonstrating that he manifestly can’t do it, he’s awful to live with until he stops.
As PP said, a gradual shift towards healthier eating is what’s needed here - is he anywhere near recognising this?

The most ridiculously, over dramatic comment ever .

Many age gap relationships work well and for good reason .

I don’t think either of you are being unreasonable OP. This is life and living with someone in a relationship. Sometimes we get unreasonably grumpy , sometimes we’re resentful about things we probably shouldn’t be , sometimes we’re not as considerate as we should be .

From his point of you (and I am totally on your side here ) he’s probably thinking he only wants one day a fortnight to relax and socialise without responsibilities . He’s heard what you’ve said about you not having the same and offered a solution without realising why you’d not feel like that’s a good option. Yes he offered to be the sole parent while you were out (rightly so) but is now wistfully wishing he was golfing instead and only expressed that. He’s trying to improve his health and it makes him feel grumpy which he can’t help feel but yes could have an effort to keep in around you and the daughters . He’s trying to be productive sorting toys (shockingly some men wouldn’t bother ) and hes feeling grumpy and snappy and ‘put upon’ (wrongly) and took it out on you.

He doesn’t sound horrific to me . Just a typical man that could do a lot better . Enjoy your coffee and when you do go home continue to point out every time he’s being a selfish prick until he gets bored of hearing it .

How depressing must this home be to grow up in, with you and your DH in so much tension all the time

I will probably agree to the nanny and then he has his golf day without either of us feeling resentful. I just feel bad paying a nanny and having a free day to be frivolous with, I’m not used to being ‘selfish’. Our toddler adores his days with the nanny and they always do fun days out so I’m probably being silly and precious.

You mean to say that you only have no concerns because his parents are coming over?

Meaning if they weren’t coming over, you would be concerned?

I would jump at the chance to not have my angry partner at home for an entire day.

I honestly am baffled as to why some people have children when they just regard them as a chore and a bind and avoid them like the plague. Did he want another child?

My husband is a golfer but he practically gave up when the DC came along. He loved/loves being a dad and actually wanted to spend as much free time with his kids as possible. All I read on hear is parents arguing about who gets the crap job of being with the kids.

Totally agree. So you’ll agree to a nanny on a Saturday so he can play golf and you won’t feel resentful? I guess his older children will be by themselves then. It’s all a bit unpleasant isn’t it? So 11 months a year he eats crap, drinks and goes off to golf when he wants and that’s what makes him bearable? Yuck.

Does his teen daughters not want to spend a couple of hours over the weekend with their likely adorable baby sibling?

What attracted you in the first place to this prince?

What is the point of detoxing in January if you then spend the rest of the year drinking too much booze and eating crap? He needs to re think his diet and health generally because youth is not on his side anymore as he advances into his 40s soon and he has a young wife and child plus teenagers.
Was he into golf when you met him? It's got a privileged male dominated culture all of its own and that will be him checking out of family life every other Sat for a chunk of your married life. What happens to his DD on those days? Are you left solely in the parenting role for all of them?

Well quite. I did despair a little at that point.

Having 12 beers a week doesn't mean he's an alcoholic! 😂

You need a serious conversation with him, preferably after he's had some sugar, about his entire regime. There is literally no point in having an abstemious January if he is just going to go back to his old ways the rest of the year. It would be much, much more sensible simply to cut his sugar and alcohol intake gradually all year round until they are at most half of the current levels. Not only would that be better in terms of a harmonious home life and everyone's mental health, it would be much better for him physically.

Don't feel guilty,.pay the nanny enjoy some time to do something for yourself.

I bet you're glad you posted op. You've gone from having mild disagreement with your partner to finding out you're about marry an abusive, alcoholic geriatric who's got one foot in the grave. He hates you and the kids and probably off'd his ex to get custody of the kids. Mumsnet,. batshit at it's finest

My husband just spoke to me like this.

Possibly for the last time. I’m moving out this week.

I am not living with disrespect and dislike any more.

I think once someone so openly treats you like that, it comes from a core dislike of that person, and you can never go back.