To have walked out the house and left DP to his mood.

[Dreamscapes]

Every January, DP cuts out alcohol and sugar, which results in him being really moody. He has been insufferable for the last few days, grumpy, snappy. We have 3 children; his older two, teenagers daughters, and a one year old together.

A couple of days ago, I made an appointment to have my nails done today and get the two older teenagers nails removed (they are now back at school and aren’t allowed nails). DP offered to look after our one year old, then later remarked it would mean he would have to miss his hobby - golf. He wants to play every other weekend, which I feel is too much, so it’s already a sore subject.

Golf has been a contentious issue because he is out of the house from 8am - 4.30pm, essentially the entirety of Saturday. I also work, so it feels like an extension of my working week, caring for the one year old alone. In exchange, he has offered to pay our nanny for an extra day so I can also ‘have a day to myself’ which I haven’t agreed to as it seems selfish, it’s a lot of money and I’m not sure I want our one year old with the nanny another day just so he can play golf and I can go off and do my own thing.

Anyway, this morning I returned home from the nail salon with the two teenagers, having obviously taken them to the appointment and paid to have their nails sorted. Within five minutes of being home, DP decided we were both going to sort the toddlers toys out (and also made a statement about how much he’d done that morning, which I ignored). As we were sorting the toys, our toddler got stuck behind the sofa and began to cry. I asked him if he could move the sofa for me so I could get our toddler out safely. At that point he exclaimed, ‘For fucks sake, what do you do when I’m not here?’

I replied, ‘He’s never done this before. You are being very unpleasant, you are much better when you are drinking and eating sugar. The teenagers have also complained about you being moody, so if you’re going to continue I’d rather you went out for the day.’

He then stated, ‘well I can’t go anywhere because I’ve missed golf.’

I said, ‘you can go anywhere, just stop being moody and talking to me like that, I haven’t done anything wrong.’

He responded, ‘Well you’re annoying me.’

I replied, ‘I haven’t done anything, what have I possibly done to annoy you?’

To which he responded, ‘I haven’t got time to go through everything you do that annoys me.’

I then said, ‘If you aren’t going to go out then I will.’

He said, ‘Go on then.’

I’m now sat in a cafe having a coffee.

AIBU?

A 19 year old needing a school run? 🙄

Except that OP says they’re school age - hence taking them to have false nails removed as they’re not allowed to school. They’re also his children. OP is the stepmum.

OP. And not many posters have picked up on the fact that the two teens are his children, not OP’s.

Getting nails done takes an hour… not 9.

OP hasn’t stated.

She probably can… but she just wanted him to help to make it easier seeing as they’re both there, both parents and meant to be a couple. Why must she be silent and do everything alone? Pretty normal thing to ask your husband for a hand.

Alcoholism - now called alcohol use disorder - isn’t about the amount you drink but its effect on you and those around you.

Oh to be a man and disappear ALL day on a saturday every other week 🙄

Honestly hes got it good and is still grumpy?!
And what's the point of giving up sugar and alcohol for one month?!

How rude and patronizing- are you a man, or another man apologist?

She’s not looking after a one year old alone. She’s looking after their one year old and his two teens. And l would imagine she’s taking his two girls to have their false nails removed on a Saturday because they’re at school the rest of the week.

Oh, for crying out loud 😂
"You don't agree with me so are you a man?!"
This place never changes 😁

No. You were lambasting OP for booking a nail appointment on his golf day, completely overlooking the fact that she was also taking his two girls teen girls to have their false nails removed for school. Given that they’re at school during the week, when else is she supposed to do it ? So yes, describing it as ‘her precious nails’ in this case is rude and patronising.

Except she says she works a 4 day week so she doesn’t ’work full time’.

I understood her DP has suggested keeping the nanny the 5th week day so she gets 1 day a week to herself and then the weekend with her child.

That doesn’t sound unreasonable to me.

You have absolutely no idea whether alcohol use disorder applies here. It involves an inability to stop or control alcohol use despite adverse social, occupational, or health consequences. It induces strong cravings, loss of control over consumption, physical withdrawal symptoms and is classed as mild, moderate, or severe based on the number of symptoms.

If her DH is only drinking two beers a day and is able to do dry January it doesn’t signify that he has any of these problems. OP hasn’t indicated a problem with his behaviour other than dry January, in which he also gives up a diet rich in sugar and fat, which is far more likely to produce withdrawal grumpiness than the minimal amount of alcohol involved here.

His suggestion is he plays golf every other weekend and pays the nanny every other week on the day I don’t work.

Either way, it's precious little enough time with such a young baby as it is. Well it would be for me anyway, but you do you.

So... He is unable to manage his moods/feelings and instead relies on alcohol and sugar to cope with them? He should get some therapy.

No, he should have a healthier diet. This isn’t a mental health problem, it’s over indulgence and thinking that one month without these things is some magic fix.

I actually don't have a problem him enjoying his hobby every other weekend it's what my hubby does and our kids are a lot younger. He made an offer to give you a day and you choose not to take it. And erm toddler stuck I can't do it without him around so would lol

You're being ridiculous. The man has offered the woman 1 day a week to herself whilst the man wants one day a fortnight to himself, but gave up one of them days for the woman to get her nails done.
It's very clear that the man is the one compromising and the woman is still not happy with that. If it was the woman who wanted once a fortnight and for the man to have once a week people would be saying the man was taking the p and they should have equal leisure time.

I think you've hit on something important with the observation that he won't be rude to his parents and that likely demonstrates that he CAN be civil to you and to the children but chooses not to be and uses the completely self-imposed avoidance of alcohol and sugar as an excuse. He can also probably manage to be polite to his boss, clients, friends, etc.

He's an adult, and has responsibilities as a parent and as a partner. If his " - free January" decision significantly negatively impacts others in the household on an ongoing basis, he needs to either get his emotions in check or make a different decision - for example, how about reducing consumption by 15% year round instead? But it's not up to you to figure this out; make it clear that the sulking, snapping, blaming, random out of the blue fight-picking, and rudeness directed at you and other household members need to be significantly reduced (be specific) and leave it to him to do it but hold him accountable.