DP wants his best man to be a woman

[Elliens]

DP and I are due to get married in the summer, we have a 3 month old baby boy. DP hasn't confirmed a best man yet, no brothers, no male cousins he's close to. He has 4 main groups of friends, the partners of my friends, some colleagues, 2 guys he did his undergrad with and then one girl he did his masters with, she's 4 years younger than him, they have only known each other for 3/4 years. He meets up with her on his lunch break maybe once a month as they work near each other, then they maybe go out for dinner/to an event once every 6 months. I've met her, she's nice enough but I think I've met her maybe 6 times in 3.5 years, she hasn't met DS but did give a gift/card. Notably when he was doing his masters it was a group of 4 girls and 2 guys, one of the guys has moved abroad, he doesn't talk to the other 3 girls, even though his friend is still close with them.

DP has said he wants her as his "best man". He claims he doesn't feel close enough to anyone else right now and thinks she would be good.
My issue is this friendship has caused issues in the past, she's incredibly attractive, and tbh I've never really been certain on men and women being super close friends (fine as part of a wider group). When he was doing his masters I did feel a bit weird about her, they used to message all the time though that faded when they graduated.

He has friends he sees much more of, but claims he doesn't feel as close to them.

AIBU to feel uncomfortable with his choice?

This.
My male friend wanted me to be his best man but l have known him 25 years and there was never anything other than friendship there - l am Godmother to his children and executor to his will but l didn't want the responsibility of it so was just a witness which was much more my cup of tea!
Gender shouldn't really matter but if there is history there of you two rowing l think he is being a bit insensitive op.

But it's only caused arguments because the OP is insecure about her partner having friendships with women. Her insecurities shouldn't mean he has to adhere to her demands and it's daft to think the relationship will last if she already admits she cannot trust him.

Why has he even suggested this, when he knows you have insecurities about their friendship and it's been the source of arguments previously.
Just tell him you don't want her in the main wedding party.

You shouldn’t be made to feel uncomfortable at your own wedding.

The fact your fiance thinks this is acceptable given she’s caused arguments in your relationship before, makes me think you should consider whether you should marry this man.

He knows you’ll feel awkward and people at the wedding will comment - it’s potentially embarrassing. This is a terrible idea.

I’m not sure about this…are you saying that a partner has the right to veto any friendship purely on the basis of feeling uncomfortable? That seems ridiculously controlling to me. I mean, maybe this friendship doesn’t mean more to him than his relationship with OP, but his right to choose his own friends probably should.

Edited to add: I think it’s out of order for her to be in the wedding party if OP will feel unhappy about it, and I have no idea whether the friendship is innocent or not (so many men are no better than dogs, it’s depressing). I just think, on principle, nobody should be telling their partner they can’t choose their own friends.

Tbf I was only on a stag do 3 months ago as most of my closest friends are male, but my husband is also close friends with them and was invited to the stag too. I certainly would never invite a male friend to be a major part of my wedding party who made my husband feel insecure and wasn't close enough friends with himself.

She shouldn't feel like shit on her wedding day or in competition for her husbands affection. Which she has felt like in the past. I am totally cool with having close friends of different genders and being alone with them. But OPs future DH's relationship with this woman is obviously crossing boundaries for OP and her being the "best man" is causing upset and should be respected (and have been bloody anticipated considering past conversations)

My DH had a best woman instead of a best man. A decade on, she is also now married, we often holiday together as families and are godparents to each others children. There has never been anything untoward between them. I've never felt a hint of discomfort and I actively encouraged my DH to ask her to be his best woman. She wore a fabulous bridesmaid style dress which matched the same colour as the ushers suits.

So, I think having a best woman is fine, as long as the friendship is genuinely platonic and supportive of the couple.

OP, objectively, from what you've said, it doesn't sound as though there is anything untoward going on (and if it was a man, their level of interaction would be ok). It sounds as though the issue might not actually be their relationship, but your own relationship and feelings. I don't know what the answer is, but I do think it's worth reflecting.

absolutely this. You cannot control who he is friends with and should not be attempting to control who he chooses as his best person. Honestly should you be marrying him if you can't trust him? I don't think either that you should be presenting not marrying him as an untimatum.....honestly this is not his problem, its yours.

This

The friendship has only caused arguments because of OPs insecurity though. Would it have caused the same arguments if the female friend was less attractive? Probably not.

It is quite normal to share personal experiences of situations that are the topic of discussion. The offer of different perspectives is one of the reasons people post their problems on here, so you can keep your snarky comments about wittering.

I was the best woman to my brother, I also had 2 men in my bridal party (along with 2 women). So I absolutely think if she is who he feels closest with then that’s who he should choose to be his best person. Having been in male dominated roles before, a lot of my closest friends have been male. It’s a silly notion to not believe friends of the opposite sex can be this close.

I had only met my husbands best man once before we got married and I wasn’t a particularly big fan of his, but that was who my husband chose and I supported him with that despite not particularly liking them (he were actually amazing on the day despite my awful first impression of him).

Unless there is a drip feed of her doing something to try to make a move on him since you entered the scene, you’re being unreasonable

This. Why on earth have you had a baby with him if you feel this insecure? That’s a considerably bigger commitment than marriage!

Slightly off topic, but I guess this situation arises in part from the modern issue of (many) men struggling to make/maintain meaningful friendships. Of all his primary/secondary/undergraduate/work/social friends, the (30 year old?) husband’s closest friend is someone he met on a masters course three years ago and sees for an hour over lunch once a month. For him, inviting this very attractive woman to be his best man is (as well as perhaps other things) perhaps a useful deflection of the fact that he doesn’t really have any close friends (which in evolutionary/sociologisal terms would be seen as a catastrophic failing, but of course one shared by many)

His only known her a couple of years when he has longer standing friends and he knows you don’t really like her let’s face it.

I don’t think either bride or groom should pick someone to be in the wedding party they know the other objects to.

It’s starts the marriage off with a I don’t care about your feelings.

Why are you marrying him if you don't even trust him to have a female friend without him shagging her? I couldn't live like that to be honest. Also if I was a man who preferred the company of women I wouldn't be able to cope with my wife telling me who I should be friends with.

God no. If she has that title she’ll be in all your pictures too. Just no.

I would say the same if it was a man who made you feel uncomfortable - this is your special day

I also find it very strange him picking someone he is not hugely close with?

It's often a brother or best friend of 30 years!

This isn't about the Op thinking he will shag her!

COme on, be real we all know that long term partners can have a bit of a crush elswhere and we don't want the crush to be best man in all the wedding pics!

Don't get married. You clearly don't trust him.

My brother had a best woman. Surely if he had designs on her he would be marrying her instead of you? Or at least dating her.

Agree

You need to sort this before you get married.

And if you're not happy with the outcome then getting married would be a mistake.

My DH didn't have a best man. They aren't compulsory.

If he fancies her though, her actually doing the role is a bit irrelevant. You still have a problem.

I was best women at my friends wedding! Totally platonic relationship since secondary school. Ended up going to the same college and working together at the same shop during our teens/ early 20’s. I’m god mother to his daughter. Lasted longer than the first wife and about to be best women at his second wedding

Sorry OP but the issues sound to stem from your insecurities and jealousy rather than anything she or he have done. Is that why you haven’t met her much? Because you’re jealous and suspicious over nothing?

Why don’t you try and get to know her now, like you would if your fiancé had a close male friend? Men and women CAN just be friends, despite a popular view to the contrary on here.

I really don’t understand the problem. A bride shares photos with the bridesmaids but couldn’t with a female best woman? Bonkers.