DP wants his best man to be a woman

[Elliens]

DP and I are due to get married in the summer, we have a 3 month old baby boy. DP hasn't confirmed a best man yet, no brothers, no male cousins he's close to. He has 4 main groups of friends, the partners of my friends, some colleagues, 2 guys he did his undergrad with and then one girl he did his masters with, she's 4 years younger than him, they have only known each other for 3/4 years. He meets up with her on his lunch break maybe once a month as they work near each other, then they maybe go out for dinner/to an event once every 6 months. I've met her, she's nice enough but I think I've met her maybe 6 times in 3.5 years, she hasn't met DS but did give a gift/card. Notably when he was doing his masters it was a group of 4 girls and 2 guys, one of the guys has moved abroad, he doesn't talk to the other 3 girls, even though his friend is still close with them.

DP has said he wants her as his "best man". He claims he doesn't feel close enough to anyone else right now and thinks she would be good.
My issue is this friendship has caused issues in the past, she's incredibly attractive, and tbh I've never really been certain on men and women being super close friends (fine as part of a wider group). When he was doing his masters I did feel a bit weird about her, they used to message all the time though that faded when they graduated.

He has friends he sees much more of, but claims he doesn't feel as close to them.

AIBU to feel uncomfortable with his choice?

He's hardly likely to ask her to be best man at your wedding if anything was going on, my best friends are males too I find all this little bizarr
However the biggest issue here is why are you marrying someone you don't trust and someone who doesn't respect you?

Like others have said it’s not because she’s a woman it’s the past issues. It’s a massive red flag and your partner is choosing to ignore your valid feelings and concerns.

There's something about academia - especially doing subjects in small groups - that accelerates friendships. It is very likely that close friendships with fellow students happen very quickly - it's happened to me - and within a few months, you feel that you've known them forever and you can say anything to them. It doesn't happen with everyone because you would have to be people who would become friends anyway, but the firm bonds are sometimes created very quickly (and honestly, if there were to be a sexual element, it would have happened then, not afterwards). As a woman who made very close men friends this way - who my husband never met until graduation - I wish we all lived closer so that we could lunch together monthly.

Exactly I doubt the OP thinks they're having an affair, but she suspects a bit of limerence and its not fair to have the "harmless" crush getting centre stage on her wedding day. He's probably not even 100% conscious of what he's doing or how reasonable it is for the OP to feel a little bit upset by the relationship thats developed.

Again I say this as a woman with close male friends married to a man with close female friends (who were also part of our wedding party)

Personally i think the fact he wants a best woman is fine, the fact shes not his 'oldest' friend is fine, as new friends can become besties fast BUT the red flag for me is that she is only in his life and not part of your life together. If they are so close and message so much, why dont you all hang out together more? Is there time to change this to help you get more comfortable? Could she come over for dinner, spend time with the family so you have more opportunity to see with your own eyes what their friendship is (and isnt). My view is that the key people in your wedding, are the ones supporting you both in your marriage. I couldnt imagine having adult bridesmaids or bestman/ groomsmen that we didnt both know well.

Dd2 had male 'bridesmaids' at her wedding but her now dh is cool with them. Before they married she went on holiday with 3 of them to Italy (now dh not with them) and had a great time. I do think your bf should be sensitive to your feelings though.

But there’s no evidence whatsoever that OP’s partner has or has ever had a crush on his friend.

I haven't read the full thread but your gut is telling you no, so I'd listen to that

This does seem to be the root of the problem.
There have been arguments about her before.
Surely, if he did want to be with the 'other woman' then surely he wouldn't be committing to marriage to OP.
But regardless, if there is this much uncertainty and bad feeling, I'm not sure marriage is a sensible path.

How has she caused arguments though? By being friends with OP’s partner? By them doing a masters together? By being attractive? By existing? There is no evidence that she’s done anything wrong. The arguments seem to be caused by OP’s insecurities, jealousy, and lack of trust for her partner. These aren’t the female friend’s fault.

This

You're not in a position to say OP's instincts are wrong and its just her character failings that are the problem. None of us are.

Didn't stop the King marrying Diana.

Which he should never have done.

This.

This is not appropriate. Deal breaker for me. If this matters to him so much, moving forward with the marriage is not a good move I’m afraid.

There’s a time and a place to be a cool girl and your wedding isn’t it!

Just tell him you’re changed your mind about getting married now that he’s decided to make a source of arguments his best man.

No one is being a cool girl, for one we're all much past the stage of being girls. Secure grown women are fine with their partner having female friends.

It's fine for a man to have a female friend and want to include that person in their wedding. It's not fine for a women to use their insecurities to stop their partner having friends based simply on the fact they are a women.

My husband had his sister as best woman. He has no brothers or knew any man well enough to have as best man.

I don’t think I’d marry someone who had a close friendship that made me feel threatened and uncomfortable. I think you either need to make a genuine effort to get to know her or postpone the wedding.
Would you be happy if he told you that you couldn’t have a certain bridesmaid (for “any” reason at all)? Why are you marrying him, if you don’t trust him?

i think everyone knows what “cool girl” means; it’s frankly silly to suggest I was using the term literally.
Grown women are of course fine with their husbands having female friends, but it’s ridiculous for that to have to apply without exception. The proposal is not appropriate in view of the previous arguments over the friendship and the OP’s discomfort with it would make any reasonable fiancé drop the idea.

This. I agree.

Can you not see the difference? Don’t think OP would be posting about his sister…!

If I got married again (not going to happen 😉😉) I'd have a female best man. She's not my oldest friend but she's the one who I have been able to confide in and has got me through some of my darkest times

OH knows and likes her but doesn't see her that much. I meet her regularly. That's really to do with how OH and I work - living separately. Friend is very attractive and is in an extremely strong and happy relationship.

YABU

How long ago did they do their masters?

They sound like good friends and as you say yourself it was more your own insecurities that caused the issues.

I am not sure why you would have an issue with this tbh.
I would understand if they wanted to go away on holiday for a week together but being best man is fine.