DP wants his best man to be a woman

[Elliens]

DP and I are due to get married in the summer, we have a 3 month old baby boy. DP hasn't confirmed a best man yet, no brothers, no male cousins he's close to. He has 4 main groups of friends, the partners of my friends, some colleagues, 2 guys he did his undergrad with and then one girl he did his masters with, she's 4 years younger than him, they have only known each other for 3/4 years. He meets up with her on his lunch break maybe once a month as they work near each other, then they maybe go out for dinner/to an event once every 6 months. I've met her, she's nice enough but I think I've met her maybe 6 times in 3.5 years, she hasn't met DS but did give a gift/card. Notably when he was doing his masters it was a group of 4 girls and 2 guys, one of the guys has moved abroad, he doesn't talk to the other 3 girls, even though his friend is still close with them.

DP has said he wants her as his "best man". He claims he doesn't feel close enough to anyone else right now and thinks she would be good.
My issue is this friendship has caused issues in the past, she's incredibly attractive, and tbh I've never really been certain on men and women being super close friends (fine as part of a wider group). When he was doing his masters I did feel a bit weird about her, they used to message all the time though that faded when they graduated.

He has friends he sees much more of, but claims he doesn't feel as close to them.

AIBU to feel uncomfortable with his choice?

You sound naive. I bet they have atleast snogged at some point.

Our best man was a woman. But a very close friend of us both and she was the one who introduced us. Your situation sounds very different.

Your last paragraph where you speak of “controlling” or “insecurity” actually used to be known as “common sense”. And the lack of it these days is probably why 40% of marriages end in divorce.

My late husband had a best woman.

She was, and is, gorgeous and waaayy better looking and brainier than me.

No problem in general (though I did say if he was having a stag where women were attending I'd be looking forward to it).

If his partners feelings are coming from insecurity and jealousy, then it is ok for them to be disregarded.

Tradition is irrelevant nowadays. People pick and choose the traditions they like and dismiss the others. There are no prizes for sticking to pointless traditions that don’t work.

How long does a friendship have to exist before it is valid in your opinion?

I was once a best woman for a female friend who didn’t want bridesmaids, for various reasons, and we’d only known each other for a year when she asked me. But according to you our friendship must have been meaningless.

I read this thread too, need to find out if he cancelled the candlelit dinner! Was there a conclusion?

OP, I wouldn’t like this either. Stick to your guns, this is making you uncomfortable so your DP needs to compromise and really listen to you.

YANBU OP. One of my husbands best friends is female but I am also very close with her too, she was my bridesmaid. I would trust them both implicitly, our friendship has lasted over 16 years too and never had a bad vibe or overstep.

However if he had a female friend, I didn't know very well, he was texting and hanging out with and I felt left out and their close relationship had caused issues in the past, I would feel very hurt if he asked her to be best man and would find the best man speech very uncomfortable. This is really inappropriate and I say this with a husband who has close female friends. I wouldn't like it at all.

Not sure I get good vibes from any aspect of their friendship to be fair from what you've said, but this crosses a major boundary and is humiliating.

His choice to make his wife feel uncomfortable on her wedding day by requesting some random attractive woman he met on a uni course 3 years ago stand the other side of him. He sounds like a cool guy.

I have more close male friends than female. Just the way life fell for me. You are being very strange OP.

Of course people can be close friends with both genders.

Again with the her wedding day nonsense. It's their wedding day. He isn't some side show to her as the main event.

The AIBU was AIBU to feel uncomfortable with this?

There is nothing to feel uncomfortable about unless there are already insecurities in existence. If lots of people would feel uncomfortable with this then it’s because they don’t have the confidence in their own relationships to cope with their partners having an opposite sex friend.

I don’t understand how common sense comes into it. I appreciate it’s not traditional, but that goes for plenty of things about weddings nowadays.

The thread explains a lot about why some people will never be happy - deeply insecure, trying to micromanage others, and then blaming others for not wanting to be micromanaged.
if you want a marriage to last - sort this out before you get married!

Have you read research on this or is it an opinion?

I wouldn't be ok with this, and my DH wouldn't have dreamt of asking another woman to be his best man. Especially as your Fiance knows you're insecure about her, rightly or wrongly. What is he thinking? Silly man.

Well the average woman cares way more about the day itself (ie the venue, the decor, the party etc) than the average man, let’s not pretend otherwise.

Defuse the idea promptly.
You are uncomfortable about the idea.
Own your feelings and protect yourself. Your husband to be is not remembering and respecting your feelings.

Just say..

"No way - she's much more attractive than me and I'm the bride! Would you like my matron of honour to be Luke Newton dressed in period costume?"

"Best men and bridesmaids need to be close and also they need to get on great with us both and make sense in a photographic way - They will be in many of our photos.
Please choose a man."

Offer that the good friend can do a reading or be an usher.

I agree.

You clearly don't trust him, so you shouldn't be marrying him.
If you trusted him there'd be no issue with him having a female best man, or that she's attractive.

This.

Agreed

Not naive, just secure in my relationship.

Our best woman became one of my closest friends and doing the wedding stuff together helped develop that. When everyone involved respects each other and makes the effort, it can work beautifully.

If I’d told my DH he couldn’t have his chosen friend to support him on our wedding day I’d have damaged our relationship at the same time as depriving myself of getting to know someone who I love dearly, and who ended up being closer friends with me than my husband.

Also would she be going on/arranging the stag do? Who would your husband be sharing a room with?

I arranged the stag do for my best friend. Didn’t share a room with him. But in my day people didn’t go away for weekends.

I wouldn’t have an issue with this at all. I’d love to think that if my DS has a BFF who is female at uni and one day gets married he would feel it was totally Okay to have a Best Woman stand up for him. I’d hope his GF/Fiancee would feel the same way as she would know him and trust him, and recognise that he can have normal healthy relationships across the gender divide and that this signifies a deep level of respect for her sex.

OP has clearly stated she feels uncomfortable about this relationship and it has caused arguments. Most people are replying about her relationship which is what this thread is about, not wittering on about their own marriage