DP wants his best man to be a woman

[Elliens]

DP and I are due to get married in the summer, we have a 3 month old baby boy. DP hasn't confirmed a best man yet, no brothers, no male cousins he's close to. He has 4 main groups of friends, the partners of my friends, some colleagues, 2 guys he did his undergrad with and then one girl he did his masters with, she's 4 years younger than him, they have only known each other for 3/4 years. He meets up with her on his lunch break maybe once a month as they work near each other, then they maybe go out for dinner/to an event once every 6 months. I've met her, she's nice enough but I think I've met her maybe 6 times in 3.5 years, she hasn't met DS but did give a gift/card. Notably when he was doing his masters it was a group of 4 girls and 2 guys, one of the guys has moved abroad, he doesn't talk to the other 3 girls, even though his friend is still close with them.

DP has said he wants her as his "best man". He claims he doesn't feel close enough to anyone else right now and thinks she would be good.
My issue is this friendship has caused issues in the past, she's incredibly attractive, and tbh I've never really been certain on men and women being super close friends (fine as part of a wider group). When he was doing his masters I did feel a bit weird about her, they used to message all the time though that faded when they graduated.

He has friends he sees much more of, but claims he doesn't feel as close to them.

AIBU to feel uncomfortable with his choice?

Usually when you marry someone they're your best friend of their sex. I'd be embarrassed to attend a wedding where a man had an attractive woman as his best friend and best woman. Poor bride!

There's something very attention seeking about it. "Look at me sandwiched between my two favourite women!" How comes he hasn't got any close male friends? Is he only interested in good looking women as close friends? Funny that.

Judging by your poll over half the people at the wedding would feel uncomfortable for the bride at the groom showing off his attractive female best friend at the wedding.

I wouldn't like this. He will basically be proclaiming how much he feels for her and that he feels closer to her than any other of his friends. It would make me uncomfortable and send the wrong message. If he can't choose then split the role between a few of his actual mates rather than some girl he's only known a few years.

It doesn't though. If the OP wanted to have a man who was her friend in a prominent role at her wedding and her partner was saying no because he was insecure and jealous this whole thread would be full of people saying she should leave her controlling partner.

Yeah i am saying that IME, men who behave that way have had a history of DV. It has been part of their wider controlling and abusive behaviour.

DD has been "best man" and organised stag dos for two of her male best friends. It's not that unusual these days to have a mixed group, in fact I think it's nicer. You need to relax.

Edited to add. .... I've never had any close female friends, all my best friends were male, and it was very sad that back in the day it wasn't acceptable to be included in stags or weddings. I also didn't have a hen party.

If it ruins the day for the bride then she already has insecurities she needs to overcome, and they will be detrimental to the relationship with or without a female friend in the picture.

So he’s allowed to choose someone that she’s pre approved, even if that’s not who he actually wants?

Cracking start to a marriage

My DH has a close woman friend he's known fir years and if he had wanted her to be best woman I'd have said great.

however that's because she & I got on very well. She was very much "thank god he's met you, you're what he needs". She was very clear that she liked him a lot as a person but she didn't fancy him nor he, her. I've never had any cause to question their friendship & they've been on holiday without me and I never even wondered if anything might happen.

but that's not the case here. You are not friends with her at all & you don't trust him

I wouldn't be marrying him - there's still clearly far too many unresolved issues going on

You have a problem with his best mate being female

i wouldn’t marry you in that case

I'm interested to hear that so many posters here have also been at weddings where a female was 'best man', as I haven't ever experienced this myself. I'm curious to know, does the 'best man' woman wear usual wedding guest attire for this role, or does she wear a suit like a male best man would... or something more like a bridesmaid's dress?!

I think 50% would be saying that.

I'm not reducing her to nothing but her looks... don't put words in my mouth. I'm basing this on his willingness to disregard his partner's feelings about the situation and override them, not to choose a lifelong female best friend, but a woman he's known a short amount of time. It's quite odd when he has other male friends too and the tradition is 'best man'.

Ding ding ding!!!!

’cool wife’ it was always going to come 🙄

I don’t think you can police who he has as best ‘man’. It’s your own insecurity that’s at play here.

Not everyone is interested in following tradition. For me, the less tradition the better frankly.

I went a wedding where I was MOH and there was a Best Man but also the couple had another super close female friend with like a hosting role. Forget what they called it. She wore a dress but also had this feninjne blazer that was cut like the type or Morning suit than men wear. Not sure where she got it.

OP tell him you're having a best man too and are going to hire a male model for the role. I'm sure he won't mind.

Surely it's his choice. He's literally marrying you. And she will have the closest view in the house of that. Surely if there was anything to worry about, she'd be the last person he'd ask. If he doesn't feel close enough to any of his male friends, don't make him ask them for your comfort. By all means have a conversation with him about it, but it really should be his choice.

Yeah me too, and neither me nor DH had a best man, bridesmaids, or other attendants.

But theoretically, I wouldn't have chosen a male friend who DH didn't know very well if he'd said he felt uncomfortable with that choice.

Sorry OP, but I agree with the above.

If you feel uncomfortable with this now, it’s not going to get any better in the future!

This is who you all are and always will be.
If he wants to have someone who makes you uncomfortable having a major role in your wedding - you know that your feelings are not, and never will be a priority (or at least not understood).

He’s probably doesn’t even register why you have a problem - so he can never change his view….

DH will be other friends in the future, probably totally innocent, but he will not understand if you have concerns or that there should be boundaries.

OP, you can see who he is, you can see the set up and dynamic, this isn’t going to change.

You just need to decide if this is the right man and marriage for you - as it is now, because that’s is how it will continue.

Would it be ok for a man to have an ugly friend as best woman then?

Do attractive women have nothing else that could make people want to be friends with them
exc their looks? Op describes this woman as cultured, well read, and admits that she and her partner have a lot of interests in common, including supporting each other through a masters degree. But all of that means nothing right, because she has a pretty face and that must mean the ops partner just wants to use her to show off?

You sound very shallow.

The poll does not indicate how many people would be embarrassed to watch a wedding with a beat woman. If anything, it indicates how many women on MN are either insecure in their relationships or are controlling about their partners friends.

The two best women at the wedding I was at this summer wore normal nice dresses (not matchy-matchy bridesmaids ones). My man of honour will presumably wear a suit, DP's best woman will wear whatever she'd wear if she was just a guest - I don't need them to run their outfits past me!

Given she’s got a masters, presumably this woman will have sufficient brains to make a kind excuse not to be best man anyway.

Yes, if he doesn't have any close male friends why have a best man? It's not obligatory.

I'm taking a Masters now and my study buddies are my closest friends now. Literally WhatsApp all evening every evening. 90% course related, 8% exhibs, funny memes etc. Very little personal stuff. It is intense. Dropped away a lot this academic year, they finished I'm part-time. The intensity is very bonding. I'm 60 by the way. So this is not an age or sex thing.