DH to pay off mortgage then stop house bill contributions

[Luannaa]

DH will take early retirement at the end of the year from a job he has worked very very hard in and made a huge difference to people’s lives and it has also taken its toll on him with things he has had to witness- hence earlier retirement.

This will give him enough money to pay off our joint mortgage which he wants to do so we can be mortgage free. I am extremely grateful for this as it’s huge security for the future and our dc.

However DH then doesn’t want to go into any work for at least a year, for his hobbies his small pension will see him through but this means he cannot pay anything towards the weekly/ monthly bills.

As it stands we combine £1k per month for all joint and household bills, one of these being the £900 mortgage.
With that gone, technically he doesn’t need to contribute any more as he has paid his bit but I feel a bit miffed to carry on working 40+ hours a week and sometimes overtime while he has no job, no bills to pay and just enjoys his hobbies (they are free/ low cost).

AIBU?

Please share your opinions and be honest as I want to get this right for us both.

This is what happens when you don’t properly share finances. It’s easier to plan when you will BOTH retire if it’s family money, including the lump sum and pension savings. If neither of you have much retirement savings then to be honest, neither of you can afford to retire right now.

This idea that he only needs to pay half and that the lump sum is his, is what has led to this thought process that he can settle up in advance. What’s the plan going forward when you want to retire and how are you both going to eat? Can’t be doing with this 50/50 nonsense, life is never so simple in the long run.

Well, if he retired at 67, he'd be drawing his state pension and would have money to contribute to the family pot.

Moreover they wouldn't have school age children any longer, and so would be in a position to downsize if they wanted to.

So it would be a totally different conversation.

OP it sounds as if you’re just jealous that he’s going to have a nicer life than you for a year, and you’re dressing it up as a financial issue. Would you be happier if he didn’t pay off the mortgage, and simply used his lump sum to put £1000 per month into the joint account as usual?

It's unreasonable that you shoukd carry on working 40+ hours per week whilst he retires unless you are 100% happy with this, which clearly you are not.
In your position I would be suggesting he gets a part time job and you do the same ... semi retirement together.
I was going to retire and hubby carry on working but we decided it wouldn't work practically, so we both retired. Best decision ever.

PPs have said 'he needs to help more...'

No.

If you're going to be working 40+ hours and he'll be working 0 hours, then he needs to pick up 100% of the household chores and management:

• everything to do with the kids inc. all schools runs, doc appts, clubs, play dates, new clothes, school/nursery admin, etc
• all cleaning
• all cooking, meal planning and cleaning up (inc all packed lunches)
• all laundry
• all shopping
• all gardening
• all house maintenance
• to choose, find, buy and wrap all birthday and christmas gifts / cards
• planning and organising all family days out and events
• deal with all bills and household / life admin - eg insurance renewals, booking MOTs for all vehicles, all admin for holidays, etc

And he needs to do it all without needing reminding - he needs to bear 100% of the mental load. You shouldn't have to point out things he's missed or not done - he needs to be looking around and seeing what needs doing.

I'd be making this perfectly clear - make a list of absolutely everything and make sure he knows exactly what's expected of him. You could sit together and draw up his cleaning schedule, list important dates, etc.

If he thinks he's going to spend his time relaxing and enjoying himself while you carry on as normal doing all the work, then he needs his bubble bursting with a dose of reality.

OP, if he isn't working, you should be able to get home and everything is done, and all you need to do is put your feet up or do fun things with your kids. On your days off you should be able to have a lie in with no interruptions. You should have more free time as your DH will be doing everything for the home and family that you currently do.

EDIT: I'd also go through your budget together - what will the impact of his choice be? You both need to be clear about that. Also - he's into his hobbies (eg. cycling). If he has no money to contribute to bills etc, how is he going to buy new tyres for his bike or upgrade parts?

What ????

I think he's made rather a meal of his "important" job.
All jobs are difficult and exhausting in their own way, and that certainly includes raising kids (I assume they're his!)
I bet he worked in public sector- the culture there is mawkish and self-important; it was only when I met my partner (private sector job) that I realised I had it easier in the public sector.
Don't let him play that card.

But without him she wouldn't be able to pay the mortgage. They both need the other to contribute in order to pay the total household bills. OP needs to provide more information about the sum he's proposing to pay and how long he's proposing not to pay his £1k monthly contribution, but if he's paying £12k upfront and then not paying £1k for the next 12 months, I don't see anything wrong with that.

You can retire any age you want to.

It’s just odd you haven’t discussed it. My take would be he needs to top up the pot to the tune of £100 a month from his pension during his sabbatical and be making a plan for the next stage - possibly retraining ? That way your household budget isn’t strained and you can probably make significant savings on childcare. What do your financial plans look like after his year off ? If you run your household on equal financial contributions then longer term he needs to continue to do that at least until your children are grown up - so he needs to be able to contribute half of the shared costs from a combination of his pension and less demanding or part time work. If you worked out your mortgage free costs were £1.5k a month (to allow for increased costs) then you can contribute £750 and start putting more into your pension. Just think about how life looks in 5 years when you are 53 and he is 60, in 10 years when you are 58 and he is 65 (are the children off your hands? Can you access your personal pension now?) in 12 years his state pension kicks in and you are 60 - can you both retire on his state pension and both private pensions?
Will you get a lump sum on retirement and how will that be spent to mutually benefit you?
You have a double whammy of the age difference and his early retirement but neither can have been a surprise.

Why is his annual / monthly pension small? Did he commute it to get a bigger lump sum? Is retiring a recent decision or has this always been the plan??

Is he saving commuting or other costs that you gave move to an additional pension for yourself??

In theory you should always work as a team so that each of has sufficient spends & freeze time etc.

Are you afraid that he won’t want to go back to work after a year? Or, is it him having more free time opportunities than you? Financially not much would change so your resentment sounds more like jealousy more than anything else. Before you have the conversation you need to work out where your resentment stems from, if it’s jealousy, then that’s more of a you problem. This doesn’t have to be negative.

This isn’t about money though is it?

So DH has had a hugely stressful job and is now able to make a fantastic contribution to the family life by paying off the mortgage, but he’s the problem?

OP you have separate finances and you will be no worse off. You are obviously miffed about his potential new lifestyle, but this isn’t a financial issue. Your financial situation and your workload won’t change and may even improve if/ when he picks up more of the slack. And you will be saving 1000s in mortgage interest and getting that emotional security.

I would have a chat about time limiting his ‘break’ just because he may get bored or age more quickly - what could he do if he wants to work at 57/58? But if he’s been a good, supportive, hard working DH until now, why are people suggesting he’s now a terrible person, ‘cocklodger’ and you should give him ultimatums or LTB? He wants a change of pace, is happy to finance it - what is he actually doing wrong here? .

Presumably he will be getting a pension if he is taking early retirement at 55. He should continue to pay towards household expenses, and you could do it in the ratio of your income.

If you are working full time and he is not working, then he should be doing the majority of household tasks.

Maybe you could discuss dropping a day once he goes back to work so that you both have 1 day off a week to do something together?

How many years are left on your mortgage?

If your household can afford it and he's been doing a very stressful job, a year off is fine.

You have to be clear with him what that actually means:
He does the vast majority of household tasks and childcare
All shopping
All meal planning and most cooking.
If he wants a year off he needs to start looking for his next job after about 6 to 7 months.
He needs to be open to new job opportunities that may crop up within this timeframe.

@ThorsRaven would you say that SAHMs should do all these things too? Literally everything? Even at weekends?

I think a big concern with this scenario is that if you were unable to work, and he was not working, the support you would receive via benefits would be very low and the small pension would be deducted from that too. In a worst case scenario, you could end up in a position where you are both considered job seekers on universal credit. Maybe wise to retain a decent chunk of the lump sum just in case and for partner to find a part time job at least not full retirement.

What are the plans for after his 'gap year'?

If, as a couple you can afford to live on one person working 40 hours a week, then you could also live on 2 people working 20 hours a week each.

So you could both semi retire and both have more time for hobbies etc, which would be fairer.

Employers have a bias towards prospective employees who are already in work. It might be easier for your husband to find a job with shorter hours and less responsibility right now than to re-enter the job market after a year's absence.

I would expect him to pick up the school runs. No way would I be doing that on top of a full time job.

If he puts £40k into the mortgage… well that’s 40 months of bills

No it doesn't, that's complete and utter rubbish! You don't know what their mortgage is, but it's got to be more than £40k if the repayments are £900 a month.

And you don't know how long their mortgage has to run. Mortgages are time limited, but bills go on for ever.

And in any case, putting money into paying off the mortgage won't magically reduce their bills by £1000 a month. That's a bit like saying if I pay off my car finance I won't have to buy petrol. 🤔

@Luannaa I didn't say this before because it isn't the question you asked, but are you convinced that paying off the mortgage is the best use of the money? There are options around savings, or putting some into private pension plans that might work better for you as a family. If we're talking a 6 figure sum, then you really should talk to a financial advisor.

And, again you didn't ask this question, but 12 months is a LONG time to be without work at his age, and he may find it difficult to get back into work. Could you persuade him to take 6 months and then review the situation?

You have a few issues. You seem resentful of him having an easier time - life and money is rarely equal and relationships work best when you can enjoy things going well for the other person. This is the very thing he also isn’t doing well as neither of you seem to have a handle on your shared, family finances and the impact of these on each other.

Why isn’t your pension good? That is a family priority. Is paying off the mortgage the best use of the lump sum? when do you both plan to retire? How much do you need to get the kids through education, for house repairs, for transport, and fun? The reduced pension isn’t lost as some posters have implied -for a public sector pension he would usually be 80+ before taking it without a deduction pays less overall so without knowing our lifespan who knows what is financially best. That said you seem to be financially uncertain/ill educated and resolving this allows you to know your needed numbers and your ways of making retirement work for you both.

I find it bizarre that on MN people say that SAHMs shouldn’t have to do everything, and that their working husbands should be doing some cooking, cleaning, childcare, domestic stuff etc when they get home from work. But if it's a SAHD then he shouldn’t have any help with domestic chores at all.

I would expect him to step up on the home front. School runs, childcare after school, equitable sharing of chores, life admin etc, and with that in place, I’d be fine with this.