DH to pay off mortgage then stop house bill contributions

[Luannaa]

DH will take early retirement at the end of the year from a job he has worked very very hard in and made a huge difference to people’s lives and it has also taken its toll on him with things he has had to witness- hence earlier retirement.

This will give him enough money to pay off our joint mortgage which he wants to do so we can be mortgage free. I am extremely grateful for this as it’s huge security for the future and our dc.

However DH then doesn’t want to go into any work for at least a year, for his hobbies his small pension will see him through but this means he cannot pay anything towards the weekly/ monthly bills.

As it stands we combine £1k per month for all joint and household bills, one of these being the £900 mortgage.
With that gone, technically he doesn’t need to contribute any more as he has paid his bit but I feel a bit miffed to carry on working 40+ hours a week and sometimes overtime while he has no job, no bills to pay and just enjoys his hobbies (they are free/ low cost).

AIBU?

Please share your opinions and be honest as I want to get this right for us both.

Stressful job or not both you and him are too young to ‘retire’. If he’s stressed and burned out he should see his gp and take some time off then get back to work. He seems to have the options to just stop doing things but you don’t. Why people think 55 is retirement age now I don’t know. It’s actually another 12 years before state pension age.

The OP said he would be taking at least a year off, not retiring.

OP as long as you are not expected to pay any more than you currently pay towards expenses, then I think you could allow him a year. I do get it though, I would definitely feel miffed having to get up for work each day as he does nothing. It is only the cleaning the mortgage that would make this acceptable

I’m confused, is your DH retiring or is he taking a break from work?

Tbf though, either way I feel like he’s worked hard. Just because you don’t WANT to do things doesn’t necessarily mean you should have to if it was pre agreed. How old are your children?

more info needed really.

but from what you’ve said so far, yabu, sorry

edited due to spelling mistake

I might have missed this info, what's the balance of the mortgage that he will be paying off?

I'm guessing it's going to be more than one years worth (by which time he has said he'll be back in work).

I think it's great he has this chance, and I'd also hope he'd use his new time and flexibility to pick up a bit more of the household slack / looking after your kids. He could still have a very nice restful year whilst having a bit more time to invest in his family and wife's wellbeing.

As long as he picks up the school runs, house chores and additional admin work then I think letting him have a year resit sounds reasonable - it sounds like he needs a break for his mental wellbeing, but I do understand your concern (although I think it's also unreasonably also being shaped by a bit of envy).

I don't think direct comparisons work since he is 7 years older than you - could you perhaps also have a career break in the future to balance it out and allow him his now?

A lot depends on how much mortgage there is left to pay, any penalties and how much interest it might save you over the years.

He would be able to take over the school drop offs and pickups, saving money on before and after school clubs, so the tax free childcare wouldn’t matter. Same goes for school holiday childcare, that’s a lot of expense saved.

Of course once your kids are in high school they can get a lot more expensive in other ways. Has he any idea of what he’d like to do after taking a year off from working?

Why can’t he just contribute monthly from his pot? This will keep you both as equals going forward.

A year off absolutely fine...daily lie ins while you carry on fitting childcare/drop offs/ life admin/household chores absolutely not

No, the op will carry on paying normal bills for the year her ds has downtime. He's just 'paid his half' in advance. Then they both work (him at a less stressful job) until they both retire on normal pensions.

I'd expect her dp to do laundry and cooking while he is off so the OP benefits by coming home to food on the table and fewer chores to do at the weekends.

He sounds like a wannabe cocklodger OP. A stay at home parent who doesn't do the school runs because they don't like it?! Nobody in the history of the universe has ever enjoyed the morning hassle of getting DC up and doing the school run have they?

At 55 and wanting "to be a househusband" (without any of the usual stay at home parent duties!) and wanting "at least a year" off, I'd say this is him admitting he's never going to work again.

I'd be less than impressed, too, OP. If it's going to make you resentful then say no.

He can get a job elsewhere doing something completely different and possibly less hours (if he worked long hours before), but he needs to earn and contribute. His hobbies may be cheap but you'll be giving up those little luxuries you mentioned so that he can spend all day every day indulging them. What happens when you want to go on holiday? Oh yes, you're paying for everyone. And when it's time to buy Christmas and birthday presents? Ah, all you, again. That new boiler or roof? Yep, you guessed it, it's your credit card it's going on. What about your life as a couple? I guess you're paying for that as well now then, otherwise you'll never go out.

Unless you're going to drip feed that your DC are 20, you've only just returned to work (which is doubtful if there's school runs and you've a solid career) and he's a high flyer who's kept you in the lap of luxury for several decades as a stay at home mum, in which case it's arguably your turn to be the provider now, then I'd say he's taking the piss.

Call his bluff, he needs a job somewhere 30hrs a week minimum wage and a proportionate contribution to the bills. He'll also have to pay some kind of lump sum off the mortgage to reduce the monthly cost of it now his income will be reduced. Worst case scenario he says he wants a divorce and then you'll know for sure he was a cocklodger. Otherwise he says "well, it was worth a try" and sucks up getting a job.

If he were mine I'd be prepared to divorce him over this. Women go through things too. Many struggling with early childhood years and menopause, as well as those with serious health issues, they don't get to just down tools because of that. If he takes a year out he'll never get another job again. I can see him becoming like an overgrown teenager rather than a husband and you feeling like he's just another dependant now. Then you'll get the ick and end up wanting a divorce anyway.

I totally agree with this post!
I'd be really upset that he'd made this unilateral decision without thinking about Op and her needs at all. It's very selfish behaviour.
What happens if she gets ill and can't work for a while? Or the cost of living rises a lot, or some other unexpected bill arise, of which there are many possibilities.
Id be damned if I'd end up paying more than my existing share and have to have less 'luxuries' to show for it, especially if I was in a stressful job myself.
He'll never get round to getting another job... In any case, it's notoriously difficult to get new employment in your 50's, even more so in the current climate.
I also think it could be the downfall of the marriage. Or at least put it at great risk!
Why hasn't he thought of looking at how you could both gain from this, and both reduce your working hours somewhat and both continue contributing financially?
This would be my starting point in OP's shoes.

If you say no then realistically what he will do is not pay off the mortgage and keep paying “his” 50%.

he then has a big lump sum which he can use how he wants.

honestly a year off given he is leaving a stressful job does not seem unreasonable.

in your shoes (depending on what kids you have and how old) I’d look to ask him to do some cooking or similar.

i understand how you feel about working and him not, but you might feel better if you frame it as a sabbatical?

You are being unreasonable. If I were your husband faced with this discussion with you I would simply change my approach and instead of paying off the mortgage I would instead carry on contributing £1k per month.

I do wonder where the actual love is in situations like this.

The biggest expense would be gone and only the half which are the bills is left.. I can't see the issue especially if only for a year or so.
He's worked hard to get this retirement which will pay off the mortgage and as you say seen some stuff... Cut him a break.
Or perhaps he should not pay it off and keep the money there to continue paying monthly so he appears to be contributing the same way you do...

Total non issue.

He can’t have his cake and eat it. If he’s having a sabbatical, then he becomes a stay-at-home-dad. If you’re working full time, he does the cleaning, cooking, childcare etc. , even if you continue to do the school runs.

55 is no age to retire, and if he’s using his pension pot up now, what’s he going to live off in retirement?

What job does he plan to do after ‘retirement’? It’s not easy to fetch job when you’re older, especially after a year off. It took my dh several months recently to change jobs. Would an option be to get a part-time job?

(and I’d be miffed as well to be working when he swans around when you have young children, and at a young age).

Not sure why your miffed he isn't wasting the money he is paying your house off so you don't have to do it thus making it very fair for a while and you pay the bills. Your miffed because he won't be working while you will that's all lol

Seems madness to use all the lump sum at 55 - what happens for the next 30+ years?

Not understanding this. OP says they contribute £1k each. His £1k will stop after the £900 mortgage payments stop, leaving OP responsible for all household expenses.

Have you been dividing the running of the household 50/50? It's great that you will be mortgage free ofc but it doesn't sound like the sort of job he'd have been able to do unless he had support at home or if not, had paid for FT live in nannies (in which case his income would have taken a huge hit and he'd likely not be where he is now financially.) So you need to also look at the household chores and tell him he needs to pick up more of those, school run included: your quality of life needs to change for the better too, not just his.

Surely the lump sum will be the 25% he's allowed. Poster had already said he'll also have a pension coming in.
He's paid off the mortgage. That's a big burden lifted.
Alternatively he just has a year off and pays £1000 a month out of his pension and lump sum. He could do this and be very selfish with the rest of this money but he's choosing to give his family the security of an owned home with no mortgage.
You are 7 years younger. He was always going to retire before you.

One thing to consider is how he expects to pay his half of the bills when you retire. He can’t indefinitely stop paying bills. I’d be putting a timeline on it.

plus your marriage doesn’t sound like much of a partnership.

I assume he still expects to eat and have clean clothes?
Will he be willing to take on more of the domestic work?

OP says they combine 1000 per month which I took to read as they only put in 1000 between them. OP has clarified this in a later post to be contributing 1000 each.