DH to pay off mortgage then stop house bill contributions

[Luannaa]

DH will take early retirement at the end of the year from a job he has worked very very hard in and made a huge difference to people’s lives and it has also taken its toll on him with things he has had to witness- hence earlier retirement.

This will give him enough money to pay off our joint mortgage which he wants to do so we can be mortgage free. I am extremely grateful for this as it’s huge security for the future and our dc.

However DH then doesn’t want to go into any work for at least a year, for his hobbies his small pension will see him through but this means he cannot pay anything towards the weekly/ monthly bills.

As it stands we combine £1k per month for all joint and household bills, one of these being the £900 mortgage.
With that gone, technically he doesn’t need to contribute any more as he has paid his bit but I feel a bit miffed to carry on working 40+ hours a week and sometimes overtime while he has no job, no bills to pay and just enjoys his hobbies (they are free/ low cost).

AIBU?

Please share your opinions and be honest as I want to get this right for us both.

What an utter crock of shit!!!

So jointly you pay £1,000 per month
DH will pay off the mortgage which will cut your monthly bills from £1000 to £100 and you are resentful that he won't contribute his monthly share?
Are you totally taking the piss?

or rather why are you totally taking the piss?

How can you say this without knowing his role? From the limited info OP has provided, it sounds as though he's in the emergency services/armed forces. Raising kids is hardly comparable to that.

Exactly.
As long as he’s doing his share of domestic stuff, OP has no grounds for complaint. He’ll have paid off the mortgage , which is more than most SAHMs do.

From the information you’ve given I think you’re being unreasonable.
Im guessing the outstanding mortgage he will be paying off his more than a years worth of his contributions as your current arrangement stands. So if he does get another job in years time and then pays 50% of the bills minus the mortgage as it has been paid off his contribution has been massive.
It is your choice to work in a high pressured role with a poor pension, you say you enjoy your job role so I perhaps look at condensing hours a little to free up some time or work the same and pay more into your pension now you don’t have half a mortgage to pay.
He was always going to retire first in the event of proper retiring as he is older, I think you need to reframe this as he taking a year out after what sounds like a very stressful/demanding role (a role within the emergency services would be my guess).
Whilst you enjoy spending time with the children and do the school runs your DH has the right to spend quality time with the children too.
If he’s at home I’m sure naturally he will pick up more of the home stuff as he will be present to do it, unless there is a massive back story about him not doing anything at home even when having the opportunity.
It’s ok to feel envious of what his year out will look like but not ok to resent him for his decision if it’s not detrimental to you as a family.

I think you have no choice.
But you tell him he now has to do all the shopping and the stuff you would normally do. I presume you were the one doing all the cooking and cleaning.
You send him the £900 each month and let him shop, bet he over spends just make sure he knows he will be paying any extras.

Why is his annual / monthly pension small?

Because he is taking a 25% lump sum and starting his pension at 55 that will do it every time!

This decision will have a massive impact on their retirement income.

What do you mean?

That he's going to give op £12k towards household expenses and then pay nothing for a year?
I don't recall that option being on the table 🤔

But stay at home mums are always told that their husbands ought to be helping with housework and childcare etc etc and yet they are off making no financial contribution. In this instance the husband has paid his share just up front rather than monthly.

I have been in a similar position before, but my DH did have serious injury and MH issues on top of that. 8 yrs later I am still working full time and picking up most of the housework, cooking etc. My DH does still contribute to the bills and food, so this isn't the problem for me, but I was told that "when I got home from work everything would be done"... ie dinner ready, laundry done. Its not. Never has been. I am often exhausted and can also feel angry that he is sitting watching films all day, especially when I work from home!

You are going to need to set the scene better for the next year or you may possibly feel like this too - its hard having a healthy relationship when you're angry with someone.

I think that if he can do the housework so you don't have to, get dinner on the table and not just do his hobby, a year will pass quite quickly without too much stress. Good luck!

Ahhh, op didn't say did she?

But if that is the case, then it is almost certainly a bad idea to drawdown his 25% tax free and use it to pay off the mortgage.
It robs them of flexibility, and to me it feels like he is "stealing from his future".

He could potentially stick his lump sum in the bank and drip it into the household at £1000 a month and still stay off work so it would make no difference to the work situation.

Let him have his year off, you might want the same when you are his age. He can do childcare and school runs if he like it or not and there is less stress on you.

Im older than him and my NPA is 67, his will likely be 68.

Not aimed at you, OP but I'm really quite shocked so few posters don't seem this as a joint financial big picture!

Also I see this very differently to most on here...The way to benefit from a financial windfall might be to pay off a mortgage but it's only a financial advantage if you then save your usual income. What he is actually doing is funding a year off. For arguments sake if he earns £2K after tax, a year off is a cost to him/you of £24K. That erodes the lump sum pretty quickly. I also see what someone 'can afford to do' very differently. If someone gave me £50K I could technically afford to leave work for a year...that doesn't mean I can actually afford to though because the financially sensible thing to do is to look longer term, especially with young children to provide for.

OP I'm on the fence. I think it's easy to underestimate the toll some jobs have on people and I think he needs to have a break and that is OK. The length of that break needs to be reviewed though and cant go on indefinitely, and he needs to do all school runs etc (although I note it's actually you assuming he won't...I actually think your resentment is causing you to spiral a little bit in this regard). All childcare spend should also stop. I think you're going to have to speak to him, but I would avoid going in all guns blazing.

I think it's easy to underestimate the toll some jobs have on people and I think he needs to have a break and that is OK
.this is the key point

If he didn't pay off the mortgage in advance, when would it have been finished? Because that's how much time he is buying himself before the remaining expenses need to be split.

You can't be jealous that he is retiring earlier when he is 7 years older - that was inevitable, however he should be working on the basis that he can't expect you to work past 55 to top up his retirement income.

Are you suggesting that one person should provide 100% of the household income AND do 30% of the household work by taking over at home at weekends, while the other person provides 0% of the household income while doing 70% of household work? Because that would seem unfair.

If you're a stay at home parent and the kids are at school or nursery (like OP), then you should be doing all the household work during the week.

Think of the interest you will save from paying early. Your outgoings aren't going to change ie 1k per month, but he's paid his in advance and saved you money overall by doing so.

Only conern would be emergencies. Do you have savings to cover things breaking eg car, boiler, house

There should be expectations around him increasing his share of household tasks if he isn't working, but really an hour of cleaning when everyone is at school and work is the max he will need to do, plus night meals. Washing - put it on before leaving for hobby or when everyone is up in the morning, take it out when he's back from hobby or school run.

Are there definitely opportunities for a 56 yo in you location. The job market is dire and I’d be concerned about the possibility of him not finding work in a year’s time.

Surely his works pension will be reduced a lot by taking it at 55? Might it be a better option for him to do flexible retirement if offered? He could still access his lump sum but might have the option to drop a couple of grades so less responsibility or drop to 3 days a week. If I were him, I’d try to hang on to 60 (even if it means going off sick with stress every now and again).

That’s how I read it.

I suppose if he’s paying off the remaining mortgage which equates to a year of payments ie £11k then yeah I think it’s fair @Luannaa

but I would be wary that after a year he needs to be going back to half the outgoings ie £550 a mth and after 12mths off - well he may be enjoying the good life.

also - where are you saving for the future? A retirement lifestyle for you both? A rainy day? The emergency fund? Will he still be contributing to that over the next 12 mths

and I would definitely be expecting him to be doing the majority of household chores

In my marriage we have both had 'time out of work' for various reasons and it was planned and arranged with mutual support

Your husband is contributing isn't he? he has paid in over the years, he has had a hard job, he needs a break

I would be concerend you aren't a partnership if you feel bitter at him having a sabbatical like this/ unless there is more going on?

This seems to need a lot more thought

his plan to take pension early needs really careful thinking - is that necessary because it will cost you both big in the longer term

I have often supported the family when DH has had spells of unemployment , and he did retire ahead of me for various reasons but this was a mutual choice

you should be prepared to support him however as you admit his job has taken its toll so he needs to leave and have at least some break

… but taking pension early almost suggests giving up all together and really you need a plan for both your retirement at some point

so a spreadsheet with years marked out till you are say mid 80s identifying what income you might have

expenses based on current level of spend and add for inflation

and work out what is practical and sensible

it’s rather odd that you have his money and your money

it’s rather odd that he could take the lump
sum and use it to give his share each month and you would be happy , but spending it upfront to reduce costs is making you want more of “his” money ( his and hers in a marriage is off)

the main thing is that if his pension is so small that it can’t cover anything towards bills it’s going to be too small when you retire

yes at some point you will get state pension - and that might be when you need more help in the house , perhaps unable to drive anymore. Or you may get ill and need to retire next year … what would happen then ?

if he plans to go back to work , leave the pension alone - it will still be there to pay off the house in a decades time and manage on one income - even with a mortgage holiday if needed - that would provide get to work motivation

also if he doesn’t do paid work you should find your workload decreases as he should be doing all household stuff