DH to pay off mortgage then stop house bill contributions

[Luannaa]

DH will take early retirement at the end of the year from a job he has worked very very hard in and made a huge difference to people’s lives and it has also taken its toll on him with things he has had to witness- hence earlier retirement.

This will give him enough money to pay off our joint mortgage which he wants to do so we can be mortgage free. I am extremely grateful for this as it’s huge security for the future and our dc.

However DH then doesn’t want to go into any work for at least a year, for his hobbies his small pension will see him through but this means he cannot pay anything towards the weekly/ monthly bills.

As it stands we combine £1k per month for all joint and household bills, one of these being the £900 mortgage.
With that gone, technically he doesn’t need to contribute any more as he has paid his bit but I feel a bit miffed to carry on working 40+ hours a week and sometimes overtime while he has no job, no bills to pay and just enjoys his hobbies (they are free/ low cost).

AIBU?

Please share your opinions and be honest as I want to get this right for us both.

I don't think there's anything wrong with him taking a year out, as long as you can afford it as a family and as long as a year doesn't turn into forever.

He definitely needs to be helping more at home though if he isn't working.

I agree with this. I’m also aware as our kids get older that they may need support with uni/getting a deposit together even helping with childcare if they have a family in the future. I’m seeing this stage in our lives as a time to save a bit for them, not to rest on our laurels and wind down too early (but then my pension is rubbish as well and we have minimal rights to sick pay etc if something unexpected happened).

Because without her he wouldn't be able to pay for utilities, food, Council Tax, etc, etc.

Those bills won't reduce year on year; meanwhile his contribution covers less than half of what they currently spend.

Married wuth young dc and he's reducing his financial contribution and stepping down...

He's even gone as far as saying you can be the breadwinner. Does this mean hes not planning to go back?

Not much of a team player is he.

And when you're fed up of him and finally leave in a few years, you'll probably end up paying him maintenance.

Well some of the attitudes on here sum up the Mumsnet attitude where people are contrary for the sake of it. I understand your frustrations - it's not really feeling like a partnership, is it? What's his plan for when the year is up?

I think he should be picking up all the domestic stuff if he’s not working but otherwise I would compromise and suggest you both review the money side after 6 months, he needs to decompress

I wouldn’t begrudge him this but you seem to have an issue with the £100 delta. Could he just save £1200 before finishing and then transfer you £100 per month? For a year?

If you want to continue school runs then do, that won’t be for much longer. Why can’t you pay into the tax free childcare scheme? What are your retirement plans?

Another one who things this is fine but worries about the longer term. How many more years do you have on your mortgage? And of course the mortgage would have stayed the same while bills are going to go up each year. So I’d support him in this for a year or two but not for ten years until his state pension kicks in. I’d want to have an honest conversation about how he sees himself working again after the year out, although he only needs to earn about £1k a month so that could be in a much lower stress part time role.

Does bills include food? I think he should do a school run or so. Maybe agree on the bills bit but how much to do round the house is up for debate otherwise might be a bit like having another child. I do less paid work and don't pay house bills in general apart from window cleaner/ wifi etc but buy at least half the food, pay my own way, pay for and work on land we own, do the majority of the house work/ child care/ child activities and clothes/ school etc scheduling and planning. Have paid lump sum things in past. Not all cooking though. That is a big contribution to the household, it isn't all about bills. I think the bigger Q is his family role and responsibilities. If more of those are taken on would be ok with the bills. Be careful about long term plans, is this just a year? What does he plan on doing after that? As you get older less options available especially if retraining. 55 is still young

@Imdunfer
If you do any research, you find that the often quoted reason women do not work in their fifties etc is that they are helping to care for their elderly parents. Her elderly parents. Never his elderly parents. Many men fund their wives to care for her family.
My MIL, along with many posters on here, complained about her husband retiring when he turned 70. She complained that,’she married him for life, not for lunch’. I have also seen that phrase used on here.
There is a real problem in the UK with some women assuming they do not have to work. There was a thread on here recently where a youngish woman without children, complained that she felt judged for not working. The statistics show that the number of economically inactive women is rising. Health cannot be aa equitable reason because women statistically outlive men by a significant number of years.
I saw a post yesterday where a woman complained that her husband wanted to be part time to help with childcare of their little children. She said that she put her foot down firmly. Any part time work was to be her privilege.
Women cannot expect men to be equally responsible for childcare and house work, if they refuse them the opportunity to be as involved.
In the short term the UK Government has to address the increasing number of economically inactive women.
From Google AI again
AI Overview

The UK government is concerned about the economic inactivity levels of older people, including women, recognizing it as a significant challenge for the economy and a barrier to individual financial resilience. Official statistics show that women aged 50 to 64 have a statistically significantly higher economic inactivity rate than men of the same age

As others have said, the problem isn't so much what he does the next year, it's whether this is a good financial decision for the distant future. If he was burnt out, he may have made a rash decision just to make it go away. Understandable. The ongoing finances do matter however and he needs to understand what this means for the future.

Retiring now with a small pension makes it more likely that you have to keep working even longer, to support your DC and household. There needs to be more of a long-term plan.

I know of several men who have married and had children with women around 10 years younger. Seems nicely calculated. They enjoyed their life for much longer pre-kids and then have wound down from working life earlier, because they have contributed most to pay for the house, and expected their wives to continue working and pick up the slack as they've little pension or took it very early.

We've a similar age gap to you OP and my DH will step down from responsibility in his current job rather than retire. Perhaps he will go part time whilst waiting for me to get closer to retirement. And our DC will be long flown the nest at that point.

I think this is a good point. I am also assuming that he is expecting the op to feed him, pay for all unexpected bills (car and house repairs etc) for at least a year and maybe beyond. It sounds like a. He can't really afford to retire and is expecting op to subsidise him and b. He may be hoping that he never has to properly work again. Op, have you worked out when you can retire yet??

I think it sounds risky. Risky that your finances are tight and there's little slack if something happens to you or your job, risky that he struggles to find alternative work, risky tgat your combined pensions aren't enough for old age, risky that you struggle with increasing costs, and risky that he doesn't uphold his end of the bargain.

I think you should sit down with him and discuss alternatives. It isn't an outright no to his proposal but are there better ways or ways to mitigate the risks.

What's the impact on his pension if he works another year? What if he reduces his hours now and works longer? What if he switches role with the same employer? What if he takes a new less pressured job now? Could he take a sabbatical rather than retiring? What happens when you retire, how do his plans impact you? Is your combined pension going to keep you both in old age or does he need to improve his pension for later life?

What if you agree his plan on condition that he has some work lined up for the future?

Does he accept what being a house husband will look like? Is that attractive to you both or does he actually need to consider a different vision for his year?

What are his work prospects? Does he need to retrain or is he employable? Will he be looking at low paid unskilled work, will he be happy with this?

It is difficult to get into a new job after being out of work for a year so I think it is important to have a plan and preferably something lined up straightaway before his contacts and skills become outdated.

He needs to ensure he's had proper advice on his pension and understands the implications of drawing it now.

Will he be able to get another job in a year's time?

And as bills are going up, would you both have had to increase your household contributions?

What extra spending money did you both have? Where will his come from?

I think the issue comes down to the age gap. My husband's friends dad retired at 55 as a former police officer (think he was higher up, not sure what, and that was the norm at the time to be able to retire at that age). The difference was his son was an adult whereas it because you are younger than your DH and possibly had children at an older age (which is more the norm now) you still have young children.
It's natural to feel some jealousy but sounds like he was quite fortunate to have the chance to retire early and maybe this will give him the chance to actually do more with the children (you mention you like doing things like the school run whereas he doesn't, but maybe once he gets into it he will find it ok an will just need to get on with it).

The dad of my husband's friend did actually go back to work and set up his own business with his wife for a few years before retiring properly in his early 60's so your husband may be telling the truth in that he will just take a year off before finding something else.

I think I would talk to him about how he will contribute to paying once the year is up - as this is when the mortgage would have gone if he had continued working and surely then you would have split the rest of the bills between you, so where exactly is he going to find £600 per month for his half? If he pension covers this, then great he can continue staying at home, if not then back to work he goes.

Totally human to have small resentment when you have to set off for work and partner is relaxing at home...really normal and prepare to adjust to that.

Its a sensible use of the lump sum and the time off really reasonable too.

Not sure why DH doesn't still owe the remaining £100 a month from his pension and will need to pay extra expenses like gifting or holidays that needed extra funds.

Stepping up on household chores and childcare is a given too. A relaxed year but not an absent one. Look forward to meals ready, laundry done and a smiley happy husband?

He's seven years older than you, surely you've always expected that you would carry on working for many years after he retired?

I’m honestly shocked the poll says YABU. How many of those women would be happy for their husband to retire ten years before his state pension, leaving them to work full‑time, pay all the bills, and keep the household going while he enjoys his free time? He’s essentially saying he wants to stop contributing financially and practically to family life, despite having young children. It’s ridiculous.

Can you check your crystal 🔮 for this week's lotto numbers as well please 🤦🏻‍♀️

The other thing that concerns me here is his very small pension, what's your pension like? Do you have or will you have enough saved for a comfortable retirement? When will you consider retirement? Will you have to work till you are 68 and he's 75?
It feels like you have really considered your financial future in any great detail and that is a worry.

She can retire at the same age as him. What's unfair about that?

The majority of the ppl here love to knock someone , its usually ppl who dont have any better in their own lives and love for others to be down too. women can do no right on these threads. If she complains then shes selfish, if she doesn't say anything shes a doormat. The reality is not many would be happy with this scenario but if others cant do anything better why should op.

I agree - it's reckless. To pay of the mortgage and start your pension at 55 is taking a massive cut in your pension income long term, There's no going back on that. It does feel like you need to speak to a financial advisor (if you can find one you trust) because this decision will have a life long impact for you both - not just for a year.

You need to look at it all all his bills being paid up front. If he puts £40k into the mortgage… well that’s 40 months of bills. So long as his pension means he’s not then taking from you. Sometimes one pays more than another, family dynamics are more than a sum of parts. You might be jealous he’s getting to lie in, but it’s no different to what you’d be doing if he wasn’t retiring and paying off the mortgage. How can his decision make your life easier too? Will he take something on? Like will he do all the cleaning or cooking? You need to find a way as a couple to feel that you are both benefitting.