DH to pay off mortgage then stop house bill contributions

[Luannaa]

DH will take early retirement at the end of the year from a job he has worked very very hard in and made a huge difference to people’s lives and it has also taken its toll on him with things he has had to witness- hence earlier retirement.

This will give him enough money to pay off our joint mortgage which he wants to do so we can be mortgage free. I am extremely grateful for this as it’s huge security for the future and our dc.

However DH then doesn’t want to go into any work for at least a year, for his hobbies his small pension will see him through but this means he cannot pay anything towards the weekly/ monthly bills.

As it stands we combine £1k per month for all joint and household bills, one of these being the £900 mortgage.
With that gone, technically he doesn’t need to contribute any more as he has paid his bit but I feel a bit miffed to carry on working 40+ hours a week and sometimes overtime while he has no job, no bills to pay and just enjoys his hobbies (they are free/ low cost).

AIBU?

Please share your opinions and be honest as I want to get this right for us both.

If he's said he's planning on having daily lie ins and you have young kids who need help getting ready and taking to school, then that would be a red flag to me. Nothing wrong with him taking a few months or a year off if he's planning on taking on more of the house/kid chores, but to act like he's got no responsibilities is unfair on you. I would be wary that he won't look for another job if he's previously made comments about being a house husband.

There’s obviously some resentment here but I don’t understand why you haven’t been discussing and planning for this over the last few years? It sounds like his job was always something with a shelf life given what you’ve said about the toll it’s taken on him. In my marriage I think we’d have discussed a options, my DH would absolutely step up at home if he had a year off so I wouldn’t see it as swanning around but I think retraining to do something different is what he’d want to do and then we’d both spend the next few years investing more into my retirement so we could retire by 60 say and enjoy our lives.

I wouldn’t underestimate how hard it will be to get another role after a year off, unless he could remain in his sector but in a different position with far less stress and responsibilities.

Harsh.
The OP is not getting free house, she’ll be continuing to pay the bills.

I think, OP, you could weigh up the interest rates on the mortgage versus the interest rates on putting the lump sum in savings and paying the mortgage out of that.
Agree with pp that DP can do more with daily logistics, and that he will need to get another job at a later date. You are likely to be working for 15-20 years and you want to avoid resentment building up.
Also - start a private pension if your work one is rubbish.

It might be helpful to separate out lifestyle and finances. Financially it might be fair, but it doesn't sound like it would be a balanced lifestyle. It also sounds like you need a better balance between his, yours and the families needs

I think this is fair. You might find OP that if you’re doing less of the household drudgery that working life is a bit less stressful. As PP said won’t you also save from not having to pay for after school and holiday clubs?

I do think he can’t give up work permanently though. He doesn’t have enough behind him to give up all paid employment. I’m a bit perplexed though why you haven’t got any savings if you’ve both been working full time with a relatively small mortgage to pay?

To get over your feelings of resentment try and remember he’s already worked seven years longer than you and provided he goes back to work in some capacity it doesn’t seem unreasonable to have a year’s sabbatical. He will have to pick up the slack at home though with at least doing the morning school runs and household tasks like the laundry and shopping/cooking meals.

He should start job hunting though at least a couple of months before the year is up. It takes a while to get a new job, particularly in the current job market which is appalling at the moment. The year should mean he actually starts work at the end of it, not starts job hunting which could take 2-6 months.

You need to sit down together and plan the next 10 years - i dont understand the idea of 'my' money- the money is pooled when you are married and financial decisions should be taken together. My DH is emergency services - he won't make 55 doing what he is doing now, so I've got my foot back in the door of my career now the kids are older so he can step back when he can't do it anymore. However his plan is to take a more laid back role within the sector. I'm sorry OP but I think the chances of him going back to work after a year are slim, and you will be left working till 67 to pay the bills. Understand he's older than you, but the resentment will set in if you feel the arrangement is unfair. Also if your kids are still on the young side you may need money for uni, or what happens if you get ill? I dont think its a good idea tbh.

Another thing to consider is downsizing now if you have enough equity to buy something smaller somewhere cheaper. This removes the mortgage without impacting his pension.

How would she be funding his lifestyle when she'd be paying the same amount she currently does and he's paid his contribution upfront?

Need to see the actual numbers involved.

He needs to be stepping up at home wrt school runs etc. Why will you need any childcare if he's not working?

IF he agrees to that, I'd take his deal. Otherwise he's a cocklodger.

I don't understand this view point. Currently they each contribute £1k to the bills each month. We don't know how much of the mortgage is left to pay (vital information) but let's imagine it's £12k and he pays it off upfront. This is equivalent to his yearly contributions of £1k per month. You wouldn't have considered his 12 x monthly £1k contribution to be coming from their money rather than his, so why do you consider the lump sum to be theirs?

“You will be mortgage free at 48.
I think some people would consider that quite an achievement”
it’s usually an achievement because it means significant monthly outgoings are no longer needed to be paid. For the op nothing has changed- she’s still contributing the same £1k per month towards bills and now the entirety of the financial pressure of keeping the family afloat and everything paid for falls on her. In fact, life gets harder as they’re down £100 every month so can’t even enjoy a few little luxuries that they previously had.

“I assume you had at least one maternity leave whereby he supported you financially” As he should!! She was having HIS children, the maternity leave was a joint expense. This does not form part of the discussion in any way.

I don’t understand your set up. You’re married, you have children together - but you don’t seem to have made any joint plans for money, pensions, retirement plans, how your life together will pan out and how it will be funded?

DH and I are negotiating a similar situation in that he’s 57 and has been off work with burnout. He’s currently part time. He’s been working since he was 15 and would absolutely like to just walk away from it now. I’m 53 and completely the opposite: compromised my earning power by moving around and being a SAHM for 10 years, and have only just got back into a worthwhile career, which I’m really enjoying. But I don’t earn enough to replace DH salary, and our children are only 18 and 15 - they need us to support them financially for some years to come. So we need to sit down and find a compromise that allows him to reduce or stop working, while staying afloat as a family. We will tackle this together, like we have everything else, and come up with a plan for the next difficult stage of our lives, together. That’s what a partnership, a marriage, is, right?

A few things would concern me:
What is your financial cushion? Do you have 6 months of savings to ride out a unexpected financial crisis. Relying on one wage will make you more vulnerable to financial shocks.
Is his small pension going to be enough to pay the £100 short fall on the bills or will that now come from you - because that will have an impact.
I think there is an issue here with resentment - it won't be good for your relationship if he takes a year off and your anger and resentment continues to simmer - if he does retire will he pick up all the household tasks and the school pick ups - that would give you something positive out of this situation which need to happen to make you feel more positive.
Going forward if he doesn't go back to work - university costs are crippling and the expectation of significant parental contribution kicks in at a remarkably low level of salary again this kind of financial pressure will have a detrimental affect on your relationship.
There's a feeling through your thread that you are not working as a team at the moment - you are looking after no 1 - and I mean both of you, that's a concern.

Sil faced this scenario - she couldn't tolerate bil not working, she issued an ultimatum and they separated. Her finances were, of course, worse after separation - it never made sense to us, they got on (still do) - but she could not temper her resentment and I think if OP can't it will cause bigger problems down the line..

I disagree that the pension asset is “his” money. If you divorced you’d pool and share the pension assets accumulated in the marriage. It’s your money too, you get a say in how it is disposed of. Sure - you may be unable to stop him spending it on golf and cars, but that kind of thing leads quickly to a divorce - in reality in my experience men don’t just go and spend their pension lump sum on flashy cars so it’s a stupid comparison for pps to make.

This is your money too.

In this situation I would:

a) insist you see a financial advisor together so you can consider what his retirement and taking the lump sum/a year off does to your financial future prospects

b) understand what kind of job he might be able to get in his late 50s in a year’s time.

c) be clear that if he has a year off he has to step up and do 80% of the school runs, cooking, cleaning, housework and takes over the life admin for the house (planning birthdays, Christmas, dentists, insurance etc).

d) I would NOT work overtime this year unless you want to. If the money runs out or is tight, agree he’ll have to go back to work sooner.

I’m in a similar situation where I now pay the majority of outgoings since the mortgage was paid off but if I factor all the expenses DH incurred when I was on maternity leave both times, the holidays he’s paid for etc and after 25 years of him paying more than me it’s just my turn to pay a bit extra as he has less coming in. He does still give me money towards the food shop, we’ve always had separate accounts which is why he transfers that every week.

Take out the fact you are married and look at it as a business partnership dividing financial cost, household labour and mental load equally. It's not a business partnership but it might be a good starting point.
So you both committed to pay in £1000 a month. £900 was the mortgage. This mortgage was going to continue for another 15 ?years say. He has paid off this commitment. He owes £100 to the pot monthly for the remainder of what would have been the mortgage term if bills continue at the same level. After this time at age 60 he would pay 50%. The cost of childcare will increase due to his retirement so he needs to either do the childcare or he needs to pay the additional costs. This means that the status quo is maintained financially.
Next consider the division of household labour and mental load. Look at all your responsibilities and review who will be responsible bearing in mind that he's increased the financial cost of the childcare. Look at Fair play
This approach makes it fair and gets your feelings out in the open without appearing to be jealous of all this free time he will have. Men like logical discussions normally.
Other points
1.Take financial advice, is he getting this lump sum from his pension, whereby reducing his 'small' pension as you describe it. This may not be the best option. Costing out the total cost of the mortgage over the remainder of the term and the reduction in pension might help.
2.You could also agree a period of 'holiday' for him maybe the beginning of the school Easter or summer holiday, so that he can then switch into childcare for the summer or get a part time job 🤣 he might be motivated if he does not want to do childcare all summer.

Sounds like he's a copper? He won't have any problem finding another job after a years break.

Yeah, but at 68 , not 55!

OP never said it was a shock, in fact she's very supportive. She's just asking what's fair going forward.

@Luannaa , will there not be a penalty if you pay the mortgage off early? Perhaps better to overpay by as much as you can without penalty every month/year?

I think he needs to maintain his share of costs. So if the mortgage is reduced by £x then he needs to contribute £1000-x ... until his money runs out. And that's when he needs to look for another job.

Also in the meantime he needs to take some of the load off you, eg school runs (I don't care if he hates them), housework & shopping, etc. You're in a partnership and you both have to make it work.

You have a 7 year age difference. Even if he wasn’t taking early retirement presumably there was always a possibility he would finish work before you?

So if he retired at 65, when the OP was 58, would she have resented him if she was still working? If not, why not as it is the same situation?

YABVU

Youve already said how hard he’s worked and that his job has taken a toll on him. He’s older than you so of course he’s going to retire earlier.

What difference does it make to you if he pays the mortgage off in one lump sum or uses his lump sum to continue to pay the mortgage monthly? There is no difference as as long as it’s being paid what does it matter.

Good idea to see a financial advisor. Even if he weren't wanting to take a year off, that would be sensible for someone who's 55, can't stay in their current role much longer but also has young children still.

I am guessing that the DH is a NHS paramedic with the 1995 pension, which gives him the option of retiring at 55 with no loss of pension benefits. This means he has a nice lump sum available, but because paramedics are woefully under-banded for the job they do and the things they see, the actual pension is quite small (especially if the maximum lump sum is taken). I’m also guessing that the last 10 years has really taken its toll on him and he just can’t do it any more.

The questions are

1. Is jam today the right approach? It probably is if he will go back to some form of paid work after the year.
2. Is paying off the mortgage the best thing to do? For that, all the figures would need to be on the table, and the advice of a financial advisor sought
3. Why can’t the DH contribute something small to the joint pot during the coming year and take on full SAHP duties?

The value in paying the mortgage off early is more than the £900 pcm because it will have saved them however many years were left interest.

OP, I would take up his offer to be a SAHP. The children will still be there when you come in from work! And dinner. So much less stress for you even if you have been sharing household jobs 50/50