DH to pay off mortgage then stop house bill contributions

[Luannaa]

DH will take early retirement at the end of the year from a job he has worked very very hard in and made a huge difference to people’s lives and it has also taken its toll on him with things he has had to witness- hence earlier retirement.

This will give him enough money to pay off our joint mortgage which he wants to do so we can be mortgage free. I am extremely grateful for this as it’s huge security for the future and our dc.

However DH then doesn’t want to go into any work for at least a year, for his hobbies his small pension will see him through but this means he cannot pay anything towards the weekly/ monthly bills.

As it stands we combine £1k per month for all joint and household bills, one of these being the £900 mortgage.
With that gone, technically he doesn’t need to contribute any more as he has paid his bit but I feel a bit miffed to carry on working 40+ hours a week and sometimes overtime while he has no job, no bills to pay and just enjoys his hobbies (they are free/ low cost).

AIBU?

Please share your opinions and be honest as I want to get this right for us both.

He is checking out entirely then it seems. Not sure that’s a recipe for a happy future.

I am coming from a different culture so bear that in mind when reading this. All the expenses are his responsibilities. I contribute that nice of me and he has said so. He does more out of his love plus do 75% house chores. We share cooking duties but not formally, all oit of love. In return of his contributions and more than equal share, he gets my unwavering loyalties and love/care and lots of other things that he enjoys. In my view the bills/expenses are his responsibility. I can choose to be kept woman i want to but I dont want that as I am independent woman who wanted to be loved, cherished and spoiled. Having said that if he does not have money then my money is his money as well and if he has money that his money is mine. I leave at that. By the way what is he going to with pension assuming he will have decent pension. He should play his part and you should stop counting anf calculating as it takes all the love from the relationship.

See I get his plan. We have a similar plan. When husband retires ill.be going full time and he takes over all of the house stuff. But he's in his 60s.

Your husband doesnt get to retire for a year and just chill. He takes over the grunt work. If he doesn't like that idea then his newly paid house will be sold and you can both go your seperate ways.

Put a spoke in the works now before resentment makes you explode.

He'll probably be begging to go back to work

I'm not arguing against your point, far from it.

I think that at best he's not thought this through, at worst a thoughtless chancer.

We don’t have his and hers in this way. We look at everything - income, pensions, savings etc - as joint. Thus, my husband would want to continue contributing to the extent he could I this situation.

So he has been working, presumably you have been working too, or looking after children , or both.
Why should you take the whole burden while he sits about?
I would not agree to it because having had a year off it is little likely he will be capable of, or wanting to go back.
You are a team- you have both worked towards being mortgage free.
I worked freelance and paid off our mortgage as a 40th birthday present to myself.
I didn't decide I needed a year off while my partner kept contributing.
He may deserve to to "take it easy" but you don't deserve to work alone to make that possible-why don't you deserve to "take it easy"- you are not being spoiled or entitled- state your truth, and don't support his year off.
It is very likely at 55 his is not going to work again- you will be on the treadmill until you retire - which won't be for at least another 20 years.

It’s one year. If it was endless that would be different. I think him laying off the mortgage and having a year to chill before getting back to earning is reasonable.

All these women on here moaning, with their petty responses "well, he'll have to do all of the cooking/childcare/housework!" stamps feet.

Half of you probably don't even contribute to your household bills or only like 20%.

It's pure envy that someone can be at home. For what it's worth my partner retires next year and I've still got twenty years to work.

Can you agree 6 months then he starts looking plus he pays the £100 pm out of his pension.

But if a partner doesn’t work, then they should take on the vast majority of housework / childcare, unless there are disability / health reasons not to. Regardless of gender.

I pay all the bills for my household if that matters…

She has said she doesn't think he'll go back to work after a year though. He said he wants at least a year away from work.

Half of you probably don't even contribute to your household bills or only like 20%

Do stop speculating. It's pointless.

Read the the OP's posts. They're an eye opener.

Not correct, sorry. When the last payment is due of it runs its course, there will be £900 on the mortgage and the last payment will still be £900.

How much is outstanding depends on how much has already been paid down.

I hadn’t seen the update. Obviously he needs to step up and take on the lion’s share at home during his year off. (Though if he feels entitled enough to say he won’t do that, I can’t see him compromising on this at all).

Yes sorry I hadn’t seen the updates. He sounds like an entitled pig.

Hmm. Actually she said that HE says his pension is very small. But it can't be that small if he can pay off what is probably a 6 figure mortgage (must be if payments are £900 a month) by taking his 25% drawdown. He must still have several hundred a month income. And I'd like to know what savings he has too. There's no way he can't afford to contribute more.

It’s unlikely to be a dc pension, where you can draw down, if it’s a police pension or something similar. It’ll be a db pension with a fixed sum each month and a lump sum which isn’t 25%, but the larger the lump sum, the larger the pension normally is, even if they’ve taken the larger lump sum option. If he’s been in it for quite a few years, which it sounds as if he has been if he’s burnt out and worked hard for so long, as the OP says, then he’ll have a good monthly payment too. How much is it OP? Do you actually know or is it what he’s telling you?
I’m sure he can contribute more each month, especially the £100 deficit, which you seem to think will mean less holidays and luxuries.

It doesn’t add up.

I don’t get this at all. I pay 100% of my household bills. Because of that I expect my DH to keep on top
of everything at home.

In terms of the finances, it is absolutely relevant how much mortgage he is paying off and how much you will be saving in compound interest etc. For some reason, you've not discussed this. Or how much money he will have available every month beyond the lump sum.

But the thing is, you're married. Which means that you're meant to be a team, work together, plan and make decisions together. But your DH is just dictating how things will be, financially and practically. Has he always been like this or is this new? I suspect the former somehow.

Because he won't do the school run. Or clean toilets. And gets grumpy when he has to be alone with his own kids. What on earth is that all about? All these ridiculous behaviours are a much bigger problem that the money.

Ultimately, he is happy to see his family's quality of life plummet. I don't know how accepting I would be of that.

That’s ok so long as he takes over ALL the domestic stuff and life admin + mental load with the kids the same way a SAHM would .
All drop offs and pick ups ,all running to extra curricular activities, pick up / drop off when they go to friends houses , taking them to medical and dental appointments, hair cuts , buying new clothes and shoes with them etc
Also he ought to do the cooking and shopping

Yes of course you are right, I hadn't thought that through properly.
We don't know what the remaining term is. That is another important piece of information that's missing here.

OP.
In our house we are a partnership.

So all money is joint money.

Our pensions are joint money. I wouldn't retire until my other half retires.

Together, do you have sufficient to retire, in pensions?

If not, what will you live off and how will you save it together?

If he has minimal pension, and so do you, where does he think the money will come from?

It sounds like you both work hard and pull your weight. I'd feel like he is being a little selfish.

If he keeps working, then you can both put that money, that would have gone towards your mortgage, into your pensions?

''DH has always taken a back seat with childcare which was agreed before we had dc and I was more than happy with this as his job was the more stable one so was more important for him to have work focus and his downtime.''

It sounds like you facilitated his career, and now you're expected to facilitate his retirement.

Magic

He’s a parent, he doesn’t get to opt out of school runs or parenting because it makes him bad-tempered 🤦🏻‍♀️. If that’s really the case then he needs to go to parenting/anger management courses.

He also doesn’t get to decide that he’s ok with hoovering, but not cleaning the bathrooms 🙄

He can’t have kids late in life but retire early and expect to not parent (& yes, cleaning the bathroom is very much part of parenting). If he didn’t want to parent once he’d taken early retirement, he should have had kids earlier.

He’s being ridiculous.

If the two of you agree that he takes a year off and his contribution is paying the mortgage, so be it. But his contribution to parenting and housework should equal the time that you’re in paid work and everything that needs doing after that is split 50/50.

I think you are right to be concerned OP. I font know the answer but one thing I would say is it might he helpful to sit down together with him and plan out some different scenarios and how they would work. Ie. Scenario 1, you retire at 55 too. How do finances work assuming you both live to 90? Scenario 2. He goes back to work at 57 and you both keep working until you're 67, perhaps part time.... etc etc. Add in possibility of ill health in later years etc etc

Keep print outs of these and revisit them each year so you both stay on the same page.

I would also consider putting something in writing... like a contract but don't call it that... that sets out the understanding you have. Ie. That he will go back to work after one year, and in the meantime that he will start cooking all week day dinners, that he will clean 3 times per week etc etc. Also print it out.
He is still a parent to a young family, he can't just put his feet up for the rest of his days!