DH to pay off mortgage then stop house bill contributions

[Luannaa]

DH will take early retirement at the end of the year from a job he has worked very very hard in and made a huge difference to people’s lives and it has also taken its toll on him with things he has had to witness- hence earlier retirement.

This will give him enough money to pay off our joint mortgage which he wants to do so we can be mortgage free. I am extremely grateful for this as it’s huge security for the future and our dc.

However DH then doesn’t want to go into any work for at least a year, for his hobbies his small pension will see him through but this means he cannot pay anything towards the weekly/ monthly bills.

As it stands we combine £1k per month for all joint and household bills, one of these being the £900 mortgage.
With that gone, technically he doesn’t need to contribute any more as he has paid his bit but I feel a bit miffed to carry on working 40+ hours a week and sometimes overtime while he has no job, no bills to pay and just enjoys his hobbies (they are free/ low cost).

AIBU?

Please share your opinions and be honest as I want to get this right for us both.

I think you’re lucky you both are paying the mortgage off. Not just him. You contributed to the mortgage payments too.

I agree with posters who suggested a year off but what’s to stop him to change his mind after a year?

also, if he wants to be stay at home dad then he needs to be stay at home dad but he doesn’t want to do school runs, then he’ll have to do the lion share of everything else.

Excuse me? partners just quit their jobs with no agreement/planning?

I don’t think the two situations are directly comparable as having a SAHP can save massively on childcare costs and it’s often temporary- retirement is often permanent with a different set of financial needs and health status may change

What if the OPs children want to go to uni - is she fully responsible for supporting them financially- planning together

More broadly- Im not against the OPs husband retiring it’s the details of how it’s being done that I have the issues with

Lets do some speculative maths sinc some.ppsters think OP is being unfair

OP and OH pay £1k each into joint a/c this covers both mortgage and bills.

We know the mortgage is £900

So each persons £1k contribution consists of paying half the mortgage and bills at £450 for mortgage and £550 for bills

If the outstanding mortgage is £50k lets assume that amount for now, OH is responsible for £25k and OP for £25k. OH is paying OP share of £25k with this lump sum.
This means he will be paying off OPs £450 per month contribution.

£25k / £450 = 55 months which is 4.5 yrs of payments.

As he is covering the full mortgage payment he can deduct OP share from the bills amount he pays £550 - £450 leaving £100 he should still contribute every month to ensure all is equal.

But he said he wont. Over 4.5yrs thats £5.5k OP is covering.

So what happens in 4.5yrs? OH has made it clear he wants to a house husband so yeah he isnt going back to work really.

Gr should be offsetting the £100 by reducing the childcare costs and also easing OPs day by doing school runs he doesnr get to check out of his responsibilities as a Dad

Hopefully i got my maths

I’m sorry what?!?!

This seems to all be about HIM deserving time off, HIM working hard, what about how hard you’ve worked, plus childcare??? Sounds like you’ve worked as hard if not harder!
Him huffing and stropping about childcare isn’t on!! And shouldn’t be a good enough reason for him not to take on more!
Maybe this is the tactic…. A discussion about him being home if kids are sick, him picking up more childcare from you… might just be what he needs to decide maybe he would rather work part time 🤣

This is spot on. No one needs to be a full time hobbyist unless they are a trust fund baby who is absolutely marinating in enough cash to bank roll trips to space. I think even if he just went down to 2/3 days a week burn out would pass. Inflation is so high currently that any significant career gap is risky if there is any possibility that he will want/need to get back into work after a few months. Would a sabbatical be an option? (I meant to quote the poster that mentioned that OP's DH has young kids and therefore responsibilities, but can't find it now).

Hi OP, Have read your updates and can see why you are miffed!

You say your outgoings are £2000 a month, £900 of which are the mortgage.
I would see this as each of you paying £450 towards the mortgage and £550 towards the joint bills.
If he wants to pay a lump sum off the mortgage, that is fine but he can't stop paying for the remaining bills and expect you to pay them all!

He needs to revisit this idea!
I'd suggest he paid off 50% of the remaining mortgage (his share)
You then continue to pay your 50% and 50% of the other bills, and he would pay his 50% of the remaining bills.
So you would pay £1,000 a month and he would pay £550 a month (which he can do out of the remainder of his lump sum(or interest earned on it/pension)

But yeah I'd not be happy about his proposal in the slightest.

If he doesn't like that idea then ask him what his plan will be when you file for divorce :-)

He does not intend to go back to work. He is literally saying this.

If this doesn't work for you, you need to say this now and go from there. That may include splitting.

You don't say what ages you both are.

I wouldn’t tolerate this. Your household bills are now £1100 so £550 each. You’re supposed to be a partnership.

They are 48 and 55

A year off sounds perfectly reasonable as long as it doesn't turn into forever. You have young dc, so there are still many expensive years ahead of you.
He'd also be doing all the school runs and house work if it was me in this situation. Tough shit if he hates school runs.

Your dh seems to expect to have a retirement lifestyle of someone who's costs are reduced now that he's retired. This is more like a mid 50s onward someone who's children are now adults and moved out.
Whereas your dh has primary aged children. Surely he can't expect to have that lifestyle when he will have dependants for at least another 8 / 10 years?
and then to use his pension to pay for his hobbies instead? he is not even thinking to use his pension to pay for the food / bills that he consumes which is not normal in retirement.
His idea of his life at 55 is way out of line with your family situation.

Does he really expect not to contribute towards his children in time and money now that he's retired. Just because he has paid off the mortgage?

How much actually is left on the mortgage?

Also just because he has been a poor parent at minding his children and doing school runs, does not let him off doing this when he has no job. Any tiredness or effects from his job will be gone.
Its not fair on you or your children, if he behaves with such selfishness in his retirement. Really what will be he be bringing to your marriage or his family with such selfishness. Do you want this for the rest of your children's childhood or yourself?
I would find it way too frustrating living with a person who behaves like that.

Surely a couple are a team. I always earn less than DH but we have discussed how best to use his lump sum to benefit the family. If the family finances improved by 900 a month we would share the benefit; both go 4 days maybe, or he goes part time etc and picks up the household admin shopping, cleaning etc

I see why you might be miffed life responsibilities don’t end with paying off the mortgage I would agree on a year off do what he wants get it out of his system but doing something after the year and continuing financial responsibilities and in this year off I think he should carry a load off you with other daily responsibilities around the house and kids you are both still young and there is much more living and paying to be made .

Am I missing something here? He's paying the mortgage off. An earlier PP suggested £50K - no idea where that figure came from. But if it was £50K, that's 50 months of his share of the bills - so 4 years without needing to work.
Sharing the childcare and housework is a separate issue. Yes he needs to step up on these.

He's basically getting disabled and asking whether you'll look after him... Could be he's a builder and his joints are totally gone. If he's a welder he's going blind... Are you saying he can't have a 2 year break and you're miffed about looking after him?

That’s what I don’t get , their other bills less the mortgage are £100 a month ? How ?

You’re being selfish

Sorry, I’m sure lots of people will have said the same already @Luannaabut I can’t believe that he’s talking about retiring and will NOT be doing any childcare during the holidays. Why did he even bother to have children?

If you read properly I said hypothetically lets say its £50k pluck any number out of the air. Point is paying OPs half of the mortgage still leaves a £100 shortfall on his half of the bills

What if something breaks who is paying thay..OP clearly cos her OH is spending whatever little money he will grt on his hobbies.

His financial responsibility doesnt end just by paying off the mortgage. It might cut him some slack in terms of cutting down work or doing a more stress free part time job after taking some time off but not permanently retired.

Not to mention their lifestyle is now affected no more holdings but hey he gets to afford his hobbies though whilst rest of his family have to downgrade their lifestyle to accommodate his.

If you read properly I said hypothetically lets say its £50k pluck any number out of the air. Point is paying OPs half of the mortgage still leaves a £100 shortfall on his half of the bills

What if something breaks who is paying thay..OP clearly cos her OH is spending whatever little money he will grt on his hobbies.

His financial responsibility doesnt end just by paying off the mortgage. It might cut him some slack in terms of cutting down work or doing a more stress free part time job after taking some time off but not permanently retired.

Not to mention their lifestyle is now affected no more holdings but hey he gets to afford his hobbies though whilst rest of his family have to downgrade their lifestyle to accommodate his.

Are there any other costs for the house, such as insurance, taxes? I was surprised when we paid off the mortgage how much we owed in yearly taxes. They had been rolled into the mortgage before. That will need to be sorted in your budget too.

But ‘the bills’ could be an endless list of things affected by inflation and government policies. The mortgage pay off is one lump sum. They are entirely different things.

Sorry I haven’t read all the replies. But just wanted to say there was a very similar situation with my parents. But my dad was 52 when he retired. But now my mum works every hour under the sun. Pays for everything. Still does the cooking, food shop etc and they ended hiring a cleaner. She’s 66 and still doing this, because there is no end to bills, and holidays if wanted. My dad never did get another job, and spends everyday not doing a lot. I think you need to just make sure he is definitely willing to get something small and not stressful after the year. Otherwise you will probably end up resenting him.

Your poor mum, that's just horrible. Will she stop at SP age or does she have to keep going due to finances ? I hope that at least she likes her job.