DH to pay off mortgage then stop house bill contributions

[Luannaa]

DH will take early retirement at the end of the year from a job he has worked very very hard in and made a huge difference to people’s lives and it has also taken its toll on him with things he has had to witness- hence earlier retirement.

This will give him enough money to pay off our joint mortgage which he wants to do so we can be mortgage free. I am extremely grateful for this as it’s huge security for the future and our dc.

However DH then doesn’t want to go into any work for at least a year, for his hobbies his small pension will see him through but this means he cannot pay anything towards the weekly/ monthly bills.

As it stands we combine £1k per month for all joint and household bills, one of these being the £900 mortgage.
With that gone, technically he doesn’t need to contribute any more as he has paid his bit but I feel a bit miffed to carry on working 40+ hours a week and sometimes overtime while he has no job, no bills to pay and just enjoys his hobbies (they are free/ low cost).

AIBU?

Please share your opinions and be honest as I want to get this right for us both.

100% - it comes across that he's paying off the mortgage which gives him the excuse and justification to not lift a finger after that He's 'paying off' his responsibility as a parent and a husband, like "over to you" ...

Excellent post. His comfort is his priority. You have to take what you are given.

That's a huge presumption.

I never have.

And yes. Women do facilitate the careers of their husbands.

Although I'm not so sure the current generation will fall into the stupidity of the previous ones.

Thankfully.

Why do you think the birth rate is dropping?

If you had given all this information in the beginning OP, I don't think you'd have had nearly as many harsh responses, as it is now clear that he's a selfish bastard, who may have worked hard over the years, but has had you there to support him through it all, AND you have also worked full time for most of it.

He's now proposing to give up work PERMANENTLY, and expects you to feed him, cloth him, keep him warm and watered by paying ALL the bills, and what do you get by way of support? NOTHING!!

My original thoughts were that while I understood you may be feeling a bit hard done by that he would be in a position to lay in bed all day if he wanted to, while you continue to work full time, that you were being a bit selfish, but now, I think he's basically always taken the piss, had you there caring for him and the kids, leaving him free to do a job that he's clearly enjoyed, otherwise he would have quit long ago.

I also think, (as does my DH, who I read your original post to, in order to get a male point of view), that you should stick with it until the mortgage has been paid off, and then divorce him. Your life won't really be any harder, as it sounds like you pretty much already do everything by way of childcare, and looking after the home, after all, anyone can put the vacuum cleaner round occasionally, and I daresay he only does the cooking because he enjoys it. Then you won't have to worry about what he's doing with his days, and you will only be paying the bills for you and the kids, rather than paying for him to laze around all day, running up the heating, electric and water bills.

This is not true. When our DC were small, I did PT school hours. This meant that DH was able to travel most weeks M-Th or M-F, and the kids were bathed, fed, put to bed, ferried to school/clubs, etc. DH didn’t even need to ask before he booked flights—he was secure in the knowledge that his kids would be looked after, and he didn’t give it a second thought. His career progressed in leaps and bounds.

Now that I am FT and I have to travel for my role, DH no longer has the freedom—although they can let themselves in after school, the teens are too young to be left overnight. If DH needs to book a trip, he now has to ask me first, and sometimes he can’t go.

Me being available 1000% facilitated the growth of his career.

Any evidence to support this laughable idea that runs contrary to what we generally see and know happens? No, thought not.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

It's curious we still don't know how much he's paying off for the mortgage after 23 pages of comments. Have I missed it? Can't help wondering if that's because it's a very significant figure which dwarfs a year's worth of repayment...

This does smack of pure jealousy tbh, but he doesn't sound much of a father. Time off post-retirement to recuperate is fair, but the school-run and a bit more help with upbringing is really not much to ask (can't fathom why he doesn't want to!)

You both sound pretty much all about yourselves, poor kids

I’ve changed my mind now.hes being totally unreasonable. Again this is a man’s opinion as well

i know he’s had a hard job. Most are in their own way.

but if there are only a few hundred quid a month left over once the lump sum has been used then the only way you can afford to retire is seemingly for you to work until state pension age. Or at least to work another 11 years until his. This isn’t fair.

the childcare stuff… how old is your child? Because don’t tell me he can’t cope with looking after one kid, who I’m assuming must be a teenager nearly?

for me, he’s being dead selfish because his entitlement seems to have a direct impact on all of you.

for me he can retire, but it’s clear he needs a PT job for him to pay the 500 quid contribution for the foreseeable future.

More than one DC as OP said she got 6 months for each mat leave and that they are primary aged. I am guessing aged about 9 as she said the school pick ups and drop offs that her DH will not do weren't for much longer (going off to senior school on the bus.)

@LuannaaI've read your latest update and it is even more unfair that it originally seemed.

I’m not sure what the solution is though as I wonder if this could be marriage ending. I think it would for me tbh.

Taking a year off, fine. But continuing to take absolutely no responsibility for the children and the home is just not ok. I think I’d lose all respect for him.

Like so much on here the main issue is.... communication.
I'm considering paying off the remaining mortgage with my lump sum.
Wow that would be amazing. How would it work?
Well I'd pay if off but then wouldn't contribute for at least a year. How does that sound?
Well we'd probably manage ok but are you happy to do more of the home stuff and will you definitely be getting another job after a yer etc?
This is the problem. Sounds like op dh said ill pay off the mortgage and won't pay my half each month. Done deal. It can't work like that. There has to be discussion.
I also wonder like others how much mortgage is left and OP must have now seen this question repeatedly but hadn't answered.
I think it's crazy he doesn't do his parenting share. I also think it's crazy you think it's not fair he retires when he's able to retire at 55 as for example guards are in Ireland after their years service is done. Don't know anyone retiring in late 40s! And most don't want to!

I think part of the problem is that he’s not just retiring from work. It appears that he thinks this year is for rest and relaxation, and expects op to continue to do the housework , cook, clean etc. In one post, op says she may still have to take annual leave to look after the school-age kids during the holidays, and do the school runs etc. He may not enjoy the school runs, and childcare, but that’s part and parcel of having kids.

I think you should be extremely grateful!

He’s paid his £1000 a month by paying off the mortgage and SHOULD be allowed to have time off to peruse his hobby!

you sound like you’re not a very nice person!

Why should the OP be grateful, any more than he is grateful for her contribution?

He takes over looking after the home. As a man, I hope that is his plan, given his wife’s continued workload. There will be time for hobbies, once he has worked out his routine for housework. Ironing can - I am
told - be very relaxing. Machines have taken a lot of the physical effort out of housework.

Came to say this exactly. Now he can be a stay at home househusband for a bit hopefully you enjoy your job and it’s fulfilling and it gets you out the house. He can stay home and do housey things on top of his hobbies.

Why grateful? What ever happened to a partnership? Op looked after the children, housework, life admin etc which facilitated his career.

So OP should be very grateful that her DH has unilaterally decided he will use his pension lump sum to pay off the mortgage even though that doesn’t leave him enough to contribute to any further household expenses ? And that any pension he does get will fund his hobby ?

Meanwhile OP is left working 40+ hours a week indefinitely if he a) decides he doesn’t want to go back to work after a year (see previous stated intention to be a house husband). Or b) can’t find another job at the age of 56, having been out of the work for a year.

It’s not just a case of OP covering the other £1000 left after the mortage payment is eliminated, it’s that she will be responsible for every single financial matter that arises, including emergencies and unforeseen expenditure, holidays, food, their kids expenses and household repairs. It doesn’t seem as though they have savings they can fall back on and DH is the one who will benefit most from the mortgage being paid off because he’s the one giving up work. OP will carry on working regardless, funding the whole family. What exactly do you think she has to be grateful for. If her DH was single he couldn’t afford to retire or take a years’ sabbatical. OP’s willingness to be the sole earner is the only reason he can do it.

Taking a year out will recharge his batteries, he is paying the mortgage off saving £900 a month,he could of spent his payoff on himself really but decided not to,you should be happy for him.

Because she never has to worry about the mortgage again.

id be ecstatic!

just because he’s paid off his part of the “partnership” early doesn’t necessarily mean he’s not going to help around the house or with any children. If he’s retiring I’m guessing they’re not young.

id be ecstatic ! And very grateful that I never had to worry about a mortgage payment ever again!

Maybd suggest he goes part time to fit in with his hobbies and could you reduce your hours to spend more time with him

To make this fair there would have to have been been enough left on the mortgage until either his normal retirement age or your retirement, whichever is sooner. So if he is retiring 12 years early he would need to have paid off 12 years of mortgage. After that 12 years you need to go back to 50/50

That isn’t how a marriage works though. Or a family