DH to pay off mortgage then stop house bill contributions

[Luannaa]

DH will take early retirement at the end of the year from a job he has worked very very hard in and made a huge difference to people’s lives and it has also taken its toll on him with things he has had to witness- hence earlier retirement.

This will give him enough money to pay off our joint mortgage which he wants to do so we can be mortgage free. I am extremely grateful for this as it’s huge security for the future and our dc.

However DH then doesn’t want to go into any work for at least a year, for his hobbies his small pension will see him through but this means he cannot pay anything towards the weekly/ monthly bills.

As it stands we combine £1k per month for all joint and household bills, one of these being the £900 mortgage.
With that gone, technically he doesn’t need to contribute any more as he has paid his bit but I feel a bit miffed to carry on working 40+ hours a week and sometimes overtime while he has no job, no bills to pay and just enjoys his hobbies (they are free/ low cost).

AIBU?

Please share your opinions and be honest as I want to get this right for us both.

As I posted earlier in the thread, please look into the long term financial implications of drawing the pension early and then not contributing to it. This isn’t about the next year. This could effect your finances indefinitely if he has a small pension including when you retire

This!

Astonished people on here think this set up is reasonable. Try being in that situation, OP isn’t that much younger than DP and is getting no benefit whatsoever from this early retirement. Parents should be a team and share the load. The benefit of an older dad should be when they retire they take on responsibilities so mum can have less stress too. He sounds very grumpy for his age, that’s a red flag and unwilling to do much except focus on his self. Would that be acceptable to you to work full time pay for everything while your ‘DP’ lounges about and does hobbies? The DP needs to get a job to pay for all their additional costs. What about holidays, clothes, university, school trips, meals out, house maintenance?

wow your update has made me much more strongly think that HE is being unreasonable.
there’s no way you should be working full time, doing all drop offs, pick ups, weekend activities and taking annual leave to cover the school holidays!?! While he does what?!
fair enough for him to have some time to decompress, sounds like he was in emergency services. But that doesn’t mean he can check out of family life in its entirety. It sounds like you’re living two completely separate lives rather than in a partnership.
could he potentially benefit from some counselling? Sounds like he’s burnt out and dealing with it by just checking out of everything?

Is the house in your joint names?

Also, how does he think his children are going to be brought up without any financial support from him save for the mortgage?

Clothes, school books, mobile phones laptops, food, holidays etc etc.
He's behaving like a single man! It's ridiculous! Totally selfish.

He’s the same age as me. The idea of retiring now is preposterous.

He can’t afford to retire in any case.

I'm not clear on whether he's saying he won't contribute to any household bills ever again...

If so, that's unreasonable.

Bills never end.

Absolutely.

He’s throwing away 10 years of private pension contributions and NI contributions. If the remainder of his pension is so meagre that it will only cover his hobbies he can’t afford to retire.

You really need proper financial advice OP.

I work in a job where it's common to retire at 55 after 30 years of service. And I've never heard of them struggling to get a part time job after retirement as they are very employable.

What doesn't sound right is that he isn't planning on helping with his own children. Maybe he needs to take this year off to get to know them, spend time with them, do school runs etc.

The bottom line of this thread:
OP and her husband are not partners. They are two individuals who happen to live together and happen to have some children and happen to be married.

As I said in my first post, WE have done similar no young DC and DH is a bit older and have made OUR lives easier. Because for US, it's about the time we spent TOGETHER.

Exactly! I can’t believe people on here don’t see this as not even basic parenting and partnership. Also money doesn’t grow on trees. He’s not left them in a fantastic financial situation, he’s overstating his hand having paid the mortgage off as solving all their problems, which would have happened anyway, it just happened earlier. He needs to take a break, get counselling, get back to taking joint responsibility for his family. He’s clearly got trauma to work through and burying it will not heal it, it will only push it down and it will spill out to his family and he will be in a far worse position. Retirement will not be a panacea the DP imagines as OP will end up having to LTB and he’ll wonder why.

Yeah. Agreed. He shouldn't ask this off you. Its unbelievably selfish. He's demoting your quality of life.

Well I think after your update I would repeat the general point that your financial planning is naive - do something like Rebel Finance and think about your long term. I suspect your DH needs to see the numbers going forward as like many here he has not got beyond next months money and the usual contribution he would make.

I mean in the short term I would seriously consider leaving and sorting yourself out. He sounds shit so I can see why you are resentful! Otherwise he needs to see what is needed. If you can’t afford a holiday on the current plan then you can’t afford any life emergencies or the rising costs of teens and uni etc. It’s not about him, it’s about the family, it’s about your pension and your combined futures. It’s about how you both wat to live at 55, 68,80+. It’s about your overall assets and the numbers you need. That all needs to be looked at before he takes his pension and in particular if he is looking at sacrificing any monthly payment for lump sum (rarely a good deal in the long term and taking at 55 means there is a long term). Paying off the mortgage can be a good thing to do but is often not financially astute.

I think it's £1000 each, so £900 is (approximately) half. That leaves £1100 for the other bills.

Only for a year? I don’t see the issue if he picks up doing more at home. DH took a year off last year and loved it, now he’s supporting me through another degree so he’s working and I’m not.

Marriage is about balance and compromise at different times. You’re 7 years younger than him so you continuing to work isn’t unfair it’s just the age difference.

He needs to help out with school runs and holiday childcare at least.

he should also make up the £100 shortfall so you’re both still effectively contributing the £1kpcm.

If he did this I’d feel less miffed.

I think this is because her AIBU was a bit surface level: I'm jealous my husband gets to retire early and pay off his share of the bills early too leaving me working FT when in fact there's a lot more to it than that which her later post showed as well as stuff neither of them seem to have thought through WRT retirement plans and finances.

This.

I'm taking it he previously had a good income, so was he paying extra into a pension for you?

Do you have other savings?

If he was going to take the vast, vast majority of running the household and dealing with the kids I think I’d be more understanding.

Doesn’t sound like that though. It sounds like he wants to check out of the family almost which would annoy me. I would be resentful.

It sounds like he wants a gap year - don’t we all! When you have kids you still have responsibilities

He sounds very selfish. It’s fine to retire early as long as that doesn’t have an impact on you or your children. But his plans impact you all in every way!

Why doesn’t he just take the year off without paying off the full mortgage? He could pay a chunk off which would reduce the family outgoings and enable him to still contribute monthly, as he should. This would benefit everyone. Less monthly joint payment for you and more treats and lovely holidays for the children. If he’s not working he should also be doing more with the children and more of the housework. It sounds like his suggestion to pay off the mortgage is only being suggested to give him a free pass to check out of family life. This isn’t a competition of who has worked the hardest, or been most stressed in their job, this is about doing what’s best for the family. He can’t just decide to retire early and leave the family in a worse financial position because he’s ’done his bit’. How dare he sit back and watch you do school runs, go without treats, forgo holidays and be constantly worried if an unexpected bill comes in.

His early retirement plan is incredibly selfish. Paying off the mortgage is a complete red herring. His plan needs to work for everyone. And this plan doesn’t. Don’t fall for his lazy arse plan.

I can see from both sides, but try give it a go, it'll work out. Your husband sounds burnt out, by reading your post, you both sound like strong working people, which makes me think, your DH will get bored quickly and hopefully get a new job sooner.
It would be a relief when the mortgage is paid, what a feeling. That will be a huge life changing feeling.
And if he notices his favourite treats have stopped in the shopping, he'll be having a rethink 😉
Hope all goes well.

People talking about mat leave - mat leave is spent taking care of the baby. If someone had a baby and then put their feet up and did sweet FA, while their working partner also did everything for the baby, that would be pretty selfish.

This guy is only going to take care of his hobbies, he’s going to let OP carry on as normal domestically as far as I can tell. Sweet deal for him.

Fair enough he has a career break but he’s not going to step up more at home which I think it pretty unfair. He’s trying to distract by offering to pay off the mortgage, like dangling a bright shiny thing. He’s not much of a partner in life.

Read her posts

So what happens when the OP is burnt out because she's carrying the rest of the financial burden and nearly all the domestic one?