DH to pay off mortgage then stop house bill contributions

[Luannaa]

DH will take early retirement at the end of the year from a job he has worked very very hard in and made a huge difference to people’s lives and it has also taken its toll on him with things he has had to witness- hence earlier retirement.

This will give him enough money to pay off our joint mortgage which he wants to do so we can be mortgage free. I am extremely grateful for this as it’s huge security for the future and our dc.

However DH then doesn’t want to go into any work for at least a year, for his hobbies his small pension will see him through but this means he cannot pay anything towards the weekly/ monthly bills.

As it stands we combine £1k per month for all joint and household bills, one of these being the £900 mortgage.
With that gone, technically he doesn’t need to contribute any more as he has paid his bit but I feel a bit miffed to carry on working 40+ hours a week and sometimes overtime while he has no job, no bills to pay and just enjoys his hobbies (they are free/ low cost).

AIBU?

Please share your opinions and be honest as I want to get this right for us both.

These men 🙄

It seems pretty mean and selfish for you to resent him having time off. What's the alternative? For him to go straight into another job so that you don't feel so jealous? He's worked a hard and stressful job for a long time, is now going to pay off your joint mortgage and you can't even support him for one year whilst he has a bit of a break? I would certainly hope my husband would do that for me. Hasn't he supported you through other periods in your marriage? Maternity leave or similar?

Just read the update.

Thats ludicrous that you take any annual leave for childcare when he’s at home.

Another discussion needs to be had about ex my expectations (housework etc) money etc. This isn’t a one year decision, but affects you all longer term. Make a financial plan fir the next five or ten years.

I posted the budget planner upfront. Sit and do this with him. Let him see how his year off will mean you can’t afford to live.

Acknowledge that he needs a break, but that diesn’t mean opting out. He still has responsibilities!

You equate having his children with him playing hobbies for a year ?

I agree with this post.

There's a reason you're twitchy @Luannaa and that's because your husband is planning to spend at least year off leaving you with the childcare responsibilities as well as all the financial responsibilities and your spidey senses are telling you he doesn't plan to go back it work after that - and honestly even if he does plan to you can't know it will work out.

I'd be incredibly twitchy too.

I have to say OP that your bar seems exceptionally low

Not a chance in hell that I (or my husband) would accept our partner opting out of all responsibility for both the finances AND the children

I think the real issue isn’t the money but the fact that he doesn’t look after his own children. After he retires he won’t have an excuse to not do childcare, and I imagine it will make you very angry to see him chilling out while you do everything. You need to talk about this with him.

I think it's the money too. They are going from a family which has a foreign holiday every year to one who might not have the money for any holiday at all. It suggests that their day to day living (treats, takeaways, "unnecessary " new clothes, nights out, quality of car, etc ) is going to be affected.

From your update, absolutely not. He doesn’t get to opt out of all childcare, and it’s ridiculous that you should pay for holiday childcare if he’s not working. If the £2k a month doesn’t include childcare then he hasn’t “done his bit” just by paying off the mortgage, and he is going to have to find another job or step up a lot more. I would get so, so resentful in your situation and I don’t think the marriage would last.

Is there much difference between your respective net income? You're going 50/50 on bills and about 90/10 on domestic chores. I suspect too that he earns more than you but you've still gone halves.

This is so much worse than you being jealous of him stopping work mid fifties: he's stubborn and stuck in his ways and you've nothing to look forward to except carrying the domestic and financial load for 20 more years until retirement when you'll be looking after a man just 6 years off his 80th birthday.

It would be an entirely different situation if during this year he took on most of the domestic load including the school runs and had viable plans for income generation via another source after his year off but I think you're right, this is it for him. His future might look rosy but yours looks quite grim.

Well if he’s not going to work, why can’t he do the school run while you work? It makes no sense to pay for childcare in the holidays when he is at home doing nothing. I’d have a chat with him about that. He cannot do nothing around the house, he is still expected to help out with his house and children. Talk to him about that.

She has. He has been adamant he hates it and will not do it.

Personally OP I agree with other posters saying he can't opt out of both work and childcare. I understand the point about needing a break, but I think you need to consider telling him that he either steps up to being a proper SAHD, or he finds the money to cover childcare. You are not going to use annual leave for childcare, full stop, no negotiation. You are also not covering the cost of outside help because you can't afford it, full stop. The children are his responsibility too.

I don't think it would be a problem if it didnt change your lifestyle bjt it ks e.g. no holidays.

If he ks taking money out of his pension pot which devalues it alot then when you retire your joint retirement lifestyle will ne impacted too, if you thought well when we both retire we holiday more etc you now wont be.

He has been clear with his jute tion he wants to be a househusband he wont ve going back to work after a year you can believe that.

And how off putting he gets angry? Moody with soending time with his children

Id would be seriously looking into whether I could afford to divorce him

I take it your husband had a lump sum from a public sector pension? My husband and I have done similar, he retired last year at age 60 with public sector pension and used lump sum to pay off the mortgage. I still work (I'm 55) and pay the bills. The way I see it is that he would otherwise have the Interest from his pension lump sum invested to give him additional income. I still have more disposable income than him after paying the bills so I'm not fussed but I guess it might be different if that was not the case.

I do feel jealous he will be having a relaxing life while I ferry kids to school and weekend clubs as well as work using annual leave for childcare or what will now be MY OWN money for school holiday childcare. Kids are primary school age.

He's retiring from work.
He is not abdicating his duties as a parent.

From now on - school runs are on him, school holiday childcare is on him.

You can share weekend duties.

If he doesn't like it, you need to consider whether you need a freeloader living in your home while you do all the grunt work for the next decade or so.

@Luannaa
He thinks by paying off the mortgage, he's rid himself of all responsibilities. towars you and DC.
There are 2 options: one he becomes a house husband and takes on the DC , cleaning and cooking. So you can focus on earning the money you need to keep you all warm, clothed and that roof over your heads.
Two show him the front door and divorce.

Remember, stressful job or not, you did not choose his career for him, you did not choose for him to retire early.

Also think about the costs for the house: new boiler, washing machine eg we need a new patio as ours is a 30yo death trap and our boiler is 15yo and on the way out. So that's our house maintenance for 2026.
DC: teenagers are expensive! Clubs, gadgets, school trips pocket money to go out with friends.

If you are expected to do it all by yourself, what's the point of being married?

Whose home? He’s paying the mortgage off.

Who's paying all the other bills?
Who's doing EVERYTHING with the kids?

It's a joint family home, a joint effort.

Is he going to sit in the dark and cold while OP is at work, because OP is paying for the gas and electric?

Who is going to buy his food, pay for his laundry?

He might be paying off the mortgage - and we don't know how much that is, it could be £10k or £100k- but he still needs to fund his kids and home.

Aside from anything else, I’d lose all respect for a man who thought he could abdicate all responsibility for the ongoing finances
He may have said in one breath that it’s for a year, but every other sentence you’ve quoted tells a permanent picture. He expects you to top up his living expenses for ever. Guess how early that will mean YOU can retire OP? You can’t. Him choosing now to leach off your hard work will mean you continuing for ever more
And as for expecting you to pay for childcare or use annual leave so he can sit on his arse………100% that would be a LTB for me.

i genuinely can’t understand how you are so passive here!

You say you’re grateful to him for paying off the mortgage and I understand that it gives a sense of security, but it doesn’t seem like you’re getting anything else out of it as you’re continuing to pay as if it’s not been paid off.

What’s the plan after the year - will he contribute then or will you still be paying his half of the bills to effectively pay him back for ‘your half’ of the mortgage? When will he consider this debt repaid? Will he be charging you interest or will you just need to repay him the capital?

Once ‘your half’ has been repaid, will his small pension be enough to cover his half of bills and living expenses?

I obviously don’t know the ins and outs of your situation but if he does work for the emergency services, they get good pensions so I’d be questioning how small the remaining pension is.

It’s obviously up to you what you’re willing to accept, but I think he sounds quite self-centred.

I’m sensing a real problem for you OP. I had a similar thing my DP took early retirement at 55, worked hard, paid the mortgage off and was also an older dad and felt he’d done his bit in every sense, so on I went doing everything including working, he did no cooking, no cleaning, it got to even the stage of no DIY. Despite the fact it was needing to be done for years. Luckily after a year he did go back to do a part-time job which was helpful, but all the rest of the time was ‘his’ time. All hobbies and almost nothing else. Anyone reading considering parenting with an older partner, avoid if possible. I guess we all get to an age where we feel we’ve had enough, there’s a timeline to when you just want ‘your own time’. Don’t let him get away with not working. Life is expensive and you all deserve a holiday. He ought to be deciding on the job now ready for later. He chose to be a dad so he needs to continue his responsibilities. Funny thing is I’m now getting nearer that age my DP retired and I don’t feel at all like that at all or even think of myself as old 🤣 Good luck 🤞 just to add I thought, great, retire early and be a more present less stressed dad, nope, it actually ended up worse.

With money he would not have accrued without her support. Had she dropped dead after her second child he'd have had to pay for FT childcare in order to go to work. How much of his net earnings would have gone on that? It's an urban myth that you can save childcare costs by gaffer taping small children to the wall all day until they go to primary school.

His pension and their house are marital assets: the kids are both their responsibility.

Presumably she would have had life insurance. It’s an absolute fallacy that women facilitate men’s careers.

I'm shocked that TWO THIRDS of voters STILL think the OP is the unreasonable one here.

I read the thread to DH. He has had a very 'early' retirement with a lump sum but at no point did he say 'I've paid my share'. He's quite shocked at the proposed set up here. My own DF took early retirement and worked a summer job that linked to his hobby. DM carried on working past her retirement age - by choice, she worked for 15 years after DF left permanent employment - but DF was able to make his contribution so their lifestyle wasn't compromised.