DH to pay off mortgage then stop house bill contributions

[Luannaa]

DH will take early retirement at the end of the year from a job he has worked very very hard in and made a huge difference to people’s lives and it has also taken its toll on him with things he has had to witness- hence earlier retirement.

This will give him enough money to pay off our joint mortgage which he wants to do so we can be mortgage free. I am extremely grateful for this as it’s huge security for the future and our dc.

However DH then doesn’t want to go into any work for at least a year, for his hobbies his small pension will see him through but this means he cannot pay anything towards the weekly/ monthly bills.

As it stands we combine £1k per month for all joint and household bills, one of these being the £900 mortgage.
With that gone, technically he doesn’t need to contribute any more as he has paid his bit but I feel a bit miffed to carry on working 40+ hours a week and sometimes overtime while he has no job, no bills to pay and just enjoys his hobbies (they are free/ low cost).

AIBU?

Please share your opinions and be honest as I want to get this right for us both.

Perhaps you should use the filter feature and read ALL of the OPs posts….

Wrong. She needs to continue to find the £1k a month she's currently paying, plus the £100 shortfall from what he was paying but now won't be, plus covering the cost of any unexpected expenses in future. Oh and she's still to get up early, get the kids ready and do the school run before she goes to work - because he doesn't want to!

I do feel jealous he will be having a relaxing life while I ferry kids to school and weekend clubs as well as work using annual leave for childcare or what will now be MY OWN money for school holiday childcare. Kids are primary school age.

I’ve changed my mind after reading this. If he’s not working then he should be doing the ferrying the kids to school, weekend clubs should be 50/50 and you definitely shouldn’t need to pay for or use your annual leave for childcare if their father isn’t working.

No she said he's going to use the lump sum to pay off the mortgage and what's left over to form his monthly pension income will only be enough to cover his cheap hobbies.

Very true!!

The problem isn't the retirement but it's the fact he isn't going to manage the house and the kids. If he isn't going to do it and you have to fund it, then he needs to go back to work or do it. With primary aged kids, he can't just stay at home and do nothing and if he doesn't then he is a crap husband and father.

DH has always taken a back seat with childcare which was agreed before we had dc and I was more than happy with this as his job was the more stable one so was more important for him to have work focus and his downtime. He won’t do school runs so it would be pointless me asking him this and if he is off when dc are off school he can only manage a couple of half days as he gets stressed by dc then is in a foul mood so not fair on them to ask him to do more.

Your latest update has condensed it into a LTB from me. He's basically abusive using coercive control tactics to get his own way. I strongly suspect he doesn't actually want DC and they, along with the marriage to someone younger, were a way to trap you into the marriage so he could use you as a cash cow for his early retirement, because you would feel guilty for "breaking up the family" if you leave him, even though it's his actions and unfair treatment of you that would cause you to leave, so nothing to feel guilty for. I think he's been playing the long game OP.

I suggest you divorce him now. You both get, as a starting point, half the equity in the house and half of your own pension pot and half of each others pension pot. See a solicitor just in case you'd get more.

Do the maths OP.
How many DC,
How many bedrooms needed (they can share if same sex),
What could you afford to buy and where, for whatever that overall price of your half of everything would be.

That puts you into a situation of having a home with no mortgage.

Then look at both bills and any benefits you'd be entitled to. Does it add up? If it does, I'd go for that option rather than stick with this leech.

Ok what about letting him have a year or so off to decompress, he probably has PTSD. and then discuss him getting a low stress part time job to go towards holidays etc ? And so he can keep paying NI which I think will help towards his state pension ?
he might want to work after a year off .

Kids are far too young for DH to consider retirement and if he's saying he's done his bit he's hardly likely to apply for a job in 12 months time!

@Luannaa, I may have missed a reply to my earlier question, what's the balance of the mortgage that your husband would be paying off?
That aside, unless it's a stonking amount he'll receive when he finishes up, it sounds like he expects to be a kept man once he gives up his current job. It also sounds like he won't pull his weight doing a fair share of kiddos etc; I mean, who hasn't gotten grumpy but we still have to push through, right? Furthermore, it sounds like it will affect the family standard of living considerably. Then there's the worry he'll lose his work ethic and leave you carrying the can. I have to say, it's not looking great.

Retired or not your husband should be doing more of the childcare element of your shared lives. It’s entirely possible that while he was working he didn’t have the capacity to do drop off if he was working all manner of shifts etc. It’s all well and good that he wants to retire now but you need to have the conversation about his ‘free’ time being made to fit around the children because you can’t cope with everything; while he’s essentially not doing very much- if your working hours allow it (ie you don’t start till after 9 for example) you could still do drop off but there should be no need for breakfast or after school clubs; or holiday clubs. You’re not doing a disservice to your children, your husband is. If he wants them to go to holiday club instead of parenting he should be paying for it. He needs to build a relationship with his children and this is the perfect opportunity. It’s possible that not having the stressors of his work might help him!

God what a selfish prick. Don’t be fooled into thinking he is doing you a favour by paying the mortgage of. It’s all about HIM and what HE wants and what’s best for HIM.

I feel sorry for you and your kids. I can’t imagine a scenario where my marriage would survive if one of us decided we weren’t going to work anymore but also weren’t going to take on more of the domestic work.

There is little benefit to you from him paying off the mortgage.

in effect he will become your bank manager/mortgage company, as you will still work day after day to afford to keep your family.

And he will sit there receiving his passive income and all the benefits of your hard graft 😩

I had said it wouldn't bother me him taking a year off. BUT i do think it really odd that he won't step up for school runs or holiday childcare.
There needs to be a rebalance there (not 100% either way) other wise i agree it isnt fair on op

@Luannaa I really feel for you, this is a shit position he has put you in.

he will have used HIS OWN money to pay off the mortgage.

You need to disabuse yourself of that notion RIGHT NOW!
It's NOT "his money". It's family money.
If you were to divorce him today you would be entitled to half his pension pot.
Please try and get your head around this idea - he is not doing you (and DC) a favour by paying off the mortgage. In fact what he is planning on doing will seriously impact his pension income - are you prepared to support him for another 50 years?

I shouldn’t have to stress about work
I've worked hard for years
I deserve to relax now
i am taking early retirement as I deserve it

These comments are not valid or true. He still has school age kids that he needs to support.

Let's say he started work at 16, so he was a child for 16 years, he has worked for 40, and he could easily be retired for 50 years or more.
You need to tell him in no uncertain terms that he hasn't yet earned an easy pass through the rest of his life.

@Luannaa my advice would be to talk to a financial advisor yourself, and I would consider a divorce lawyer too. This business of being unpleasant "stressed" with the kids and making YOU pay for childcare has to stop straight away. Just say you won't, if he wants childcare then HE has to pay for it.

As to your household expenses going forward, he still needs to contribute. Do a budget each year, plan how much money you need each month as a family, then he pays half of that less the £900 you are saving from the mortgage .

You are in a difficult position here. I agree with other posters, he is not doing you a favour, he is manipulating you into supporting him for the rest of his life.

I think he’s planning to go back to work after a year though, from what the OP has said

Yes, it’s not legally ‘his money’, unless you’re not married.

So have worked full time too, and done most of the parenting.

It would indeed be very unfair on you and the DC for him to proceed as he plans, unilaterally, whether overtly or by stealth (not job seeking).

What does he think YOU deserve - to work til 70? What does he think the DC deserve?

I wouldn’t be upset by the paying off the mortgage and the taking a year off. I would be extremely upset that even when not working he “won’t do school runs”. School runs need done and parents don’t get the luxury of saying they won’t do it if they are available to do so. I’d be saying that was an acceptable position to take whilst working but doesn’t wash when he’s a man of leisure and I simply wouldn’t take no for an answer. Same applies to running kids to clubs. If nothing else, I assume this new responsibility will ensure that he definitely returns to work in 12 months if not sooner.

Well this presents a different picture, but your first post says you haven't talked about it.

You do now need to say he has to do things with the children if he is going to be at home and you still work full time. Though it sounds like maybe he never wanted children in the first place and the only reason he agreed was because you said you would do all the work with them.

I think other people's suggestions of speaking to a marriage counsellor if he won't discuss things with you is a good idea.

Have you said how much the outstanding mortgage is OP? Because there’s a whole world of difference between £10K and £100K outstanding. Also, what’s his pension and what’s your salary?
As far as you saying he won’t look after his DC, that needs addressing and he will just have to do it! What’s he going to do on day 1 of his retirement when you leave the house to go to work without the DC? He’ll soon get them there. And make sure that school has him down as first point of contact. Same in school holidays - either he does the parenting or he pays someone else to do it.

Your issue here isn’t him paying off the mortgage or not going back to work it’s the fact he won’t be a father to his own children. That’s what you’re mad about and rightly so.

You need to be having a serious conversation about that.

You think he should be allowed to make unilateral decisions like this one for the whole family?

"Moving forward unless he finds another job we would struggle to afford even a caravan holiday- we have always had an abroad holiday every year since Covid"

He isn't "getting a lump sum". He has taken a lump sum of of his pension which reduces both their joint income for the entire rest of his life and her widow's pension if he dies before her.

You think she shouldn't be bothered by that?

Dupe

I have suggested he finds something for 2-3 days per week after 1-3 months off but he says no.

the chances of him going back to work again are zilch

the fact you talk about your money and his money is telling. You unfortunately don't have a partnership.

youd be better off breaking free and having your 50% of the house as you're going to have a non-paying lodger with you for the foreseeable, while you grapple with full time work, primary age children and likely minimal help with any chores, while he buggers off on jollies and the life of Reilly. That's your reality, I think you're being very understanding towards him but far too lenient