DH to pay off mortgage then stop house bill contributions

[Luannaa]

DH will take early retirement at the end of the year from a job he has worked very very hard in and made a huge difference to people’s lives and it has also taken its toll on him with things he has had to witness- hence earlier retirement.

This will give him enough money to pay off our joint mortgage which he wants to do so we can be mortgage free. I am extremely grateful for this as it’s huge security for the future and our dc.

However DH then doesn’t want to go into any work for at least a year, for his hobbies his small pension will see him through but this means he cannot pay anything towards the weekly/ monthly bills.

As it stands we combine £1k per month for all joint and household bills, one of these being the £900 mortgage.
With that gone, technically he doesn’t need to contribute any more as he has paid his bit but I feel a bit miffed to carry on working 40+ hours a week and sometimes overtime while he has no job, no bills to pay and just enjoys his hobbies (they are free/ low cost).

AIBU?

Please share your opinions and be honest as I want to get this right for us both.

taking some time off is fine, although a year is a lot, but going from full time in a busy job to absolutely nothing is a bit extreme. It's all very well to say that his hobbies are cheap, but cheap isn't free. Plus how about petrol to get to them? Food? Is he planning on not buying any toiletries or clothes at all for himself for a year? How about presents for the kids or his family? As pps have said, what happens if the boiler/car breaks? Who pays for christmas or a summer holiday?

Basically how is he going to fund everything he currently pays for out of the difference between his salary and the £1k he puts into joint household spends?

All he needs to do is work 2 days somewhere and that might be fair enough.

Money aside, my main concern would be fairness when it comes to looking after the kids and house. If he’s not working at all then he should be picking up all of these duties. With the kids at school, that still gives him plenty of time for hobbies. But he absolutely should be doing most school runs, getting kids’ lunches ready, helping with homework, doing the lions share of the housework, not to mention bill/family related admin. If he’s happy with this then it sounds like a good arrangement for a limited period.

He’s only taking a year out? Let him have a year and then reassess. He will likely be bored. Then he goes part time and perhaps so do you

Honestly he is 7 years older than you. You're only 48, it seems a bit much expect to be able to semi retire at this stage.. let him take his year out while he is able and hopefully you will be able to do the same in 6 years if you want to.

How long/much is left on your mortgage? I think that would influence the answer I give.

He's paying off the mortgage as much for himself as you though.
Do you think he will just not pay for anything and look to you to fund anything for the house, kids etc?

The 7 year age gap was always going to mean he retired first so perhaps you just haven't really considered it in detail before.

I would probably say I'm happy to still chuck in my share of the pot but anything that can't be covered is shared.
So birthdays and holidays and all that jazz, yes he does need to pony up out of his pension or whatever his plan is.
The other option pp have suggested might be, he stores his payout for a year and keeps his pension lump sum, keeps paying half and in a year, then he whacks that off the mortgage ahead of going back to work and things stay relatively the same for you both in contributions.
It might just help the optics for you whilst you adjust and see what him being retired looks like. I personally would be ok with that as well. If resentment is likely to build with him appearing to pay no bills and not work, and if he might shirk additional costs that arise, you might prefer he keeps some money available.

You seem to appreciate his early retirement so I don't think you will mishandle it. Good luck!

My parents were in a similar position, though closer in age.

My father had to take on the household shopping, making dinner, organising the cleaner, he replaced the gardener. Aside from the gardening, he had done none of this before!

Because it cant be equitable. You can't share being pregnant

deleted double post!

Chat with him about it. Have marital therapy if you need it.
it sounds like he needs a break.
but you need to be clear that you are happy to support this for 3/6/12 months (delete as appropriate) but you worry about £££ and so can he please assure you he intends to start making a plan for further paid work beyond that initial period?
perhaps talk to him about what he is thinking of? Or what he believes others leaving his role have moved into….. does he want to study and retrain? As a PT or a virtual PA? Turn his hobby into a paid endeavour? Etc.

This ☝️

And she doesn't give up work indefinitely, or even for longer than the statutory maternity period, without discussion and essentially permission, from her partner. Many women are even funding their time off during maternity leave with their own savings because their partner doesn't even support her having basic maternity leave. She's also on maternity leave in the first place due to being the one with the uterus who has no choice about birthing their joint children, if the couple are going to have them. If he's not happy about her being off work longer than statutory maternity leave, it doesn't happen.

That's exactly the issue here.

OPs DH has decided, all by himself without any discussion with OP or considering her wants and needs, that he's taking early retirement to live like a skint teenager and leave OP with all the bills to pay indefinitely. As with the scenario above for pregnant women, if we flip this around, OP as the would-be breadwinner should have the final say on whether this choice of his is vetoed. Especially considering there's no non-choice factor in his decision. This is about personal preference for him, unlike when a couple decides to have DC and it's only the woman who can actually physically do that.

It doesn’t matter if he hates school runs. He can now does the school runs and most of the housework. You only need to work and help at weekend and do bedtimes. That seems like a fair deal.

I suggest speaking to a financial planner together to get an understanding of the situation and what it means for you both.

This isn't how it will be though. OP has already said, his pension is going to be so small due to retiring early that all it'll cover is his cheap hobbies. He won't be contributing to any bills at all. He basically can't afford to retire early without living off OP.

He is 55 and you are 48. You have to have known he would retire 7 years before you. Why should he work 7 years more than you so you retire at the same time?

I don’t understand why you are miffed? That’s the natural consequence of your age gap.

Just say you’d like a way to plan out retiring at 55 for you as well. What’s fair is you retiring at the same age, not the same time.

Didn’t she say it was enough to pay the £900/mo until the mortgage is paid off?and then presumably he still will get £900/mo and it can go towards other bills. How much retirement income will OP have?

THANK YOU I can’t believe how many replies there are, I am only at the 6am ones and to answer some points,

DH was not the sole earner, I was lucky enough to have full pay for each 6 months of mat leave I had. Unfortunately that job ended and I found another immediately as I needed an income.

I have worked since the age of 13 part time, full time from about 19 and have always worked and have a strong work ethic for lots of reasons.

DH would do cooking and hoovering. Possibly some cleaning if not bathrooms.

DH has always taken a back seat with childcare which was agreed before we had dc and I was more than happy with this as his job was the more stable one so was more important for him to have work focus and his downtime. He won’t do school runs so it would be pointless me asking him this and if he is off when dc are off school he can only manage a couple of half days as he gets stressed by dc then is in a foul mood so not fair on them to ask him to do more.

Yes I always knew he would retire before me and no issue however at this age where he is taking early retirement I am not sure if I am being like an adult brat feeling it’s ’not fair’ I pay ALL the house bills however he will have used HIS OWN money to pay off the mortgage.

I do feel jealous he will be having a relaxing life while I ferry kids to school and weekend clubs as well as work using annual leave for childcare or what will now be MY OWN money for school holiday childcare. Kids are primary school age.

I really worry he won’t go back to work after 12 months like some people have said. The comments from him such as
i have worked so hard and done my bit
Its time for me now
I shouldn’t have to stress about work
I've worked hard for years
I deserve to relax now
i am taking early retirement as I deserve it

He really has worked hard and I can’t say he hasn’t. Shifts of all hours, seeing things that have caused him nightmares and this is what makes me so split with how I feel.

Moving forward unless he finds another job we would struggle to afford even a caravan holiday- we have always had an abroad holiday every year since Covid.
Not that that matters, we can make fun in other ways.
it just feels like DH is going to make a decision which will really impact our lives.

I have suggested he finds something for 2-3 days per week after 1-3 months off but he says no.

But this still comes back to we are lucky he is paying the mortgage off.

Ok your update has changed my mind - how dare he take time off work and still not look after his own children, take on more housework, and give you some time to yourself?

He sounds like a selfish arse - do not take annual leave for childcare if you have a non working husband at home who can do it instead!

I like the idea of a financial advisor then as you seem most concerned about the impact to your family quality of life. If his retiring early becomes a financial strain, then it is better he hears that from an advisor than you.

Of course he should step up and look after his kids and do more housework!

He isn't retiring/taking a year off being a father and having responsibilities. What a man baby...

Lighthearted but just divorce him after he pays it off?

Is he in the police? It sounds like it. If so some time off is usual but he should be picking up more of the parental load

Let me get this straight - your husband was probably a fire fighter or a police officer. He’s getting a lump sum which he’s going to use to pay off the biggest bill you have. And you’re bitching because you need to find £500 a month and you think that needs 40 hours.

Because he won't be going halves on the food and bills etc. He's planning to pay off the mortgage and then pay for nothing except his hobbies.

With the mortgage paid off she'll have to put more into the pot not less, because the mortgage is only £900 and he currently puts in £1000, so there'll be a £100 shortfall (until the cost of living rises or an unexpected bill crops up, then the shortfall will be even more).

He's not planning on doing more with the DC. He's even said that OP will have to continue getting up earlier than she otherwise would have to, so she can continue getting DC ready for school and doing the morning school run before work because he doesn't like doing it and wants a lie in, which is absolutely taking the piss. OP doesn't want all children related duties taken off her of an evening, she likes her DC and wants to spend time with them.

As usual, like so many men, he's decided which bits of family life he wants to cherry pick for himself and is expecting OP to cover the bits he doesn't want to do. He's not considering her at all, other than in terms of how he can best use her to fund his chosen lifestyle. If he goes ahead with his plan OPs quality of life reduces overnight.

He might be calling it a year off but it's very clear he's got no intention of working again. His repeated stating over the past few years that he's going to be a house husband and OP can be the earner, his new statement that he wants AT LEAST a year off work, the taking of a year off rendering him most probably unemployable at 56 anyway . He's got it all planned out. The more fair and sensible options would be for him to either - Take a part time job 20+ hrs per week to top up his pension and continue contributing towards expenses. Or to take a full time lower stress job, continue to contribute towards expenses and delay taking his pension until retirement age so he doesn't lose a huge chunk of it.

The comments from him such as
i have worked so hard and done my bit
Its time for me now
I shouldn’t have to stress about work
I've worked hard for years
I deserve to relax now
i am taking early retirement as I deserve it

He’s “done his bit” ??

Nah mate, doesn’t work like that when you still have school age DC.