DH to pay off mortgage then stop house bill contributions

[Luannaa]

DH will take early retirement at the end of the year from a job he has worked very very hard in and made a huge difference to people’s lives and it has also taken its toll on him with things he has had to witness- hence earlier retirement.

This will give him enough money to pay off our joint mortgage which he wants to do so we can be mortgage free. I am extremely grateful for this as it’s huge security for the future and our dc.

However DH then doesn’t want to go into any work for at least a year, for his hobbies his small pension will see him through but this means he cannot pay anything towards the weekly/ monthly bills.

As it stands we combine £1k per month for all joint and household bills, one of these being the £900 mortgage.
With that gone, technically he doesn’t need to contribute any more as he has paid his bit but I feel a bit miffed to carry on working 40+ hours a week and sometimes overtime while he has no job, no bills to pay and just enjoys his hobbies (they are free/ low cost).

AIBU?

Please share your opinions and be honest as I want to get this right for us both.

You never know what is around the corner. Say for instance you lost your job for some reason, you would never be homeless as your DH has secured this for you for life!

Paying the mortgage off early has also saved your household thousands on interest.

Your DH has already worked at least 7 more years than you have (age difference).

He is not being greedy to ask for one year off. YABU and selfish.

Yeah, and as I said in response to someone else making the ridiculous suggestion that money spent paying off the mortgage translates pound for pound as a reduction in household bills, that makes about as much sense as saying if I pay off my car finance then I can be let off from buying petrol 🤔.

That was never the proposal. The OP was that he would pay off all the mortgage, thus reducing their bills by the £900 a month they currently pay on the mortgage.

BUT
(a) it doesn't add up to the £1000 he is putting in currently, which is an issue, and
(b) interest rates are falling, so next time they review their mortgage they would probably end up paying less than £900 - reducing the value of his contribution.

The idea is not well thought through. As others have said they need to consider their family finances in the round, including planning for when they can BOTH retire, helping their children with uni fees, or even house purchase, covering unexpected bills, holidays, new cars, etc, etc.

You need to sketch out a 5 year financial plan for a start. A year off sounds fine and in your shoes I would encourage it. It will give him a chance to recover and reset. 55 sounds too young to retire full stop, especially given the age of the children.
But I would hand over tasks if he isn't already doing. Washing/drying/putting away. Food planning/buying/cooking.

I agree with this …. And the figures aren’t right …. 2 High earners both contribute 1k each to monthly expenses…. Where is the rest of their money going ?

HRTWT however if he would normally contribute £12k per annum then, so long as he is paying £12k off your mortgage, surely he is contributing his bit. The only slight issue is the £1200 he would normally put towards bills that aren't the mortgage but you've already said that's manageable.

In the long run, he is reducing interest payable on your mortgage so reducing debt for both of you and potentially enabling earlier retirement for both of you depending how large the mortgage was.

And he's said about wanting to be a 'house DH' so as long as he takes on a greater share in that sense thereby allowing you more relaxation time as well, tbh, I can't see how this is a problem.

It sounds more like an issue for you managing change and some jealousy (understandable btw). I know my DH had moments of feeling frustration he had to work whilst I was at home for a year's mat leave. Obviously not quite the same but I can see why you feel the way you do.

He’ll be paying £900 a month instead of £1k a month.

There is a £100 loss but they’ll not be paying interest on the mortgage and have the security of the house being paid off.

There could be a discussion that he pays the £100 a month to cover the shortfall.

But ultimately he is still paying his half and OP is paying her half.
OP will not have to contribute any additional money.

@ThorsRaven I was asking your opinion. You’ve said that if OP’s DH stops working, he should do 100% of all domestic chores and childcare, because OP is working. Are you saying that this should be the case in every situation, when one person works and the other doesn’t? Meaning that working husbands of SAHMs should literally not lift a finger at home? Because that would be an unusual opinion. Most working husbands of SAHMs are expected to chip in at weekends and in evenings.

overall after reading the comments I am still torn.

i think it’s so 50-50

i think i veer to the principle not being unreasonable but the execution being, because it’s seemingly pretty unilateral by the partner and there’s been little discussion of the actual execution in the long term

as a couple I think you need to come to an agreement because it’s family finances we’re talking about.

I think it's fair to say that we do equate childcare with domestic chores, we have never moved away from that. Women on mat leave ARE expected to do the lions share of it, and by and large they do. Research shows there also no circumstances in which there's a pattern of a man in a house picking that up. So we equate a woman being at home with a baby with domestic chores, but not a retired man at home.

I’m reading this as he wants to decimate your (joint) pension fund, in order to live a life of leisure for at least a year, while you continue to work and find that lifestyle. Make no mistake, that if you were to divorce, you would be entitled to a good share of that pension fund (I’m not suggesting divorce btw, just pointing out that sometimes a higher earner will claim that “their” pension fund is “theirs” not “marital assets”). A £900/ month mortgage, isn’t a small amount to pay off, s o the pension pot is significant.
Would he be prepared to work part time? Pick up all the child care etc? Are your finances currently completely separate? (If so, you’ve kind of made a rod for your own back) Why are you paying “equal” into the pot, if your earnings are so disparate? There’s a lot of detail missing, but if you’re not happy, then be straight with him.

Hmm are you able to quote that research?

My DP lost his job in 2018 (we are a later life relationship, we both have adult children but none together). From that point I simply covered all the household expenses (he was looking for work but due to his age and specialism he didn't find a permanent role that suited him - did some part time roles).

We never discussed it. But also from that point he gradually took over most of the household chores - particularly laundry and shopping (and looking after the garden). Indeed, now I am retired he still does most of those things (I am not allowed to, apparently I do it "wrong"!) 😁

I would say that would be okay for a year to do but you’re going to be paying an extra 100 per month and prices of groceries, fuel and energy will go up meaning you could be paying an extra 200 per month in a years time. I don’t think it’s sustainable. I’d ask him to take a year's break then look for a part time job.

My advice would be let him pay off the joint marital asset and see how things go.
Your marriage may survive or not.
If he starts to behave like a single man, doing nothing but his hobbies, you will have a problem.
Sounds like you carry a lot as it is if he can't even do a school run!

I think the financial part is fine up to a point. But looking at it a different way, if he found a new job, maybe part time, you could reduce your hours or you could maximise your workplace pension contributions now (before salary sacrifice rules change) which would lead to a better lifestyle for both of you when you retire.

Also, I think you need to be clear he is now a stay at home dad and all those school, medical, activities responsibilities are his in full. I think most people would be hard pushed to think of a stay at home who pursues her hobbies and doesn’t do the school runs, lions share of household stuff and ferrying around whilst husband is working and leaving all that to him.

I personally do not see the issue here-he is essentially front-loading his contribution by paying off the mortgage. He is 7 years older than you OP which is significant in retirement terms and it sounds like he needs a break. He is not shirking his financial obligations.

I must say I’m surprised you feel resentful at the idea-that’s not normal. Are there other issues here?

The one thing I would say is if he wants to be a house husband for any period of time then he needs to take over school runs/domestic duties while you are working.

I think there's middle ground. Perhaps agree a time-specifc period, say a year off official work though increased contribution around the house. And, with the aim of him getting a relaxed part-time job and you reducing hours after that time period? Perhaps a year? Some sort of compromise for longer-term life enjoyment for you both. I am wholeheartedly in support of people enjoying some work-free time and it sounds like his has been particularly intense and more than deserving of some down-time. But do you think you could embrace that and not resent and make it an unhappy time? I think that's for you to consider.

Well, the solution is obvious. He uses his money to pay off his half of the mortgage, then with the rest he carries on contributing £500 to the joint pot each month to cover bills.

No, she’ll just have to work 40+ hours and be responsible for every other life expense for them all until he decides he’s ready to go back to work - that’s if he can find a job at 56, having been out of work for a year. It doesn’t sound as though they have savings to fall back on and they still have children at school. I’m wondering just how much of this is being presented to OP as a fait accompli. There’s more than enough scope here for him to decide that he won’t return to work, given that he’s already said he wants to be a house husband. What happens then ? He’s swanning around doing his hobbies while OP is working her arse off to support them all. I think he knows very well that his plan to pay off the mortgage is going to benefit him a lot more than OP. Planning to retire or even take a sabbatical without ensuring you have sufficient funds without relying on someone else to take up the slack is batshit and irresponsible.

He’s done his bit by paying off the mortgage, but should increase what he does around the home and with DC.

As long as he can go halves on all bills and food - why can't he have a well deserved year off? Surely if the mortgage is paid off, you have less to put in the pot, so your outgoings will drop by a couple of hundred quid, so you are better off.
He can obviously have a bigger hand in helping with the kids - no? Plus he can do after school care and do tea for the family, so you are all benefitting

How has he done his bit, given that it’s him who will benefit most from the mortgage being paid off ? It won’t make any difference day to day for OP because she’s still having to work full time and now has responsibility for all of the household expenses indefinitely. There’s no plan here for the unexpected. What if OP becomes ill, or loses her job ? At 56 and having been unemployed for a year, he’s not exactly a good catch for an employer and he’s going to struggle to find work.

My DH is 9 years older than me & retired when he was about 55. I continue working & pay the bulk of the household bills (including the car as I use it more than him so it's regarded as 'my' car) though we split food shopping & holidays 50/50. DH does most of the housework & 95% of cooking.

It works well for us

But he can’t. OP says after the mortgage is paid off all he will have is a small pension which he’ll use to fund his hobbies. If OP has to take up the slack and keep working to fund all of their expenses, then he can’t afford to retire or even take a year off.

It sounds as though you might end up harbouring a little resentment if he is off/lying on in bed and you are doing the daily grind.
If he has taken care of the mortgage that leaves you both in a better position financially. He has just done his money bit in one swoop and yours is monthly.
I would make sure he does the school runs and fair share of the housework as he will have the time to do so.
Once he goes back to work maybe you can look at reducing your hours.

Completely agree with this. He should now pick up school drop offs/pick ups & extra household jobs - you should not be doing everything! That will breed resentment