DH to pay off mortgage then stop house bill contributions

[Luannaa]

DH will take early retirement at the end of the year from a job he has worked very very hard in and made a huge difference to people’s lives and it has also taken its toll on him with things he has had to witness- hence earlier retirement.

This will give him enough money to pay off our joint mortgage which he wants to do so we can be mortgage free. I am extremely grateful for this as it’s huge security for the future and our dc.

However DH then doesn’t want to go into any work for at least a year, for his hobbies his small pension will see him through but this means he cannot pay anything towards the weekly/ monthly bills.

As it stands we combine £1k per month for all joint and household bills, one of these being the £900 mortgage.
With that gone, technically he doesn’t need to contribute any more as he has paid his bit but I feel a bit miffed to carry on working 40+ hours a week and sometimes overtime while he has no job, no bills to pay and just enjoys his hobbies (they are free/ low cost).

AIBU?

Please share your opinions and be honest as I want to get this right for us both.

This.

I'd let him have a break but he still needs to contribute something towards the pot. I am similar to your dh, I worked 35 years in Nursing which burnt me out physically and mentally witnessing horrible things on a daily basis.. Around seven years ago I switched to a less stressful but significantly lower paid career ( with dh's blessing) but even this job now can be pretty horrible at times dealing with poverty and just people's problems all the time. My contract is coming to an end and I will be taking a good few months off to reset mentally. If I'm not able to get another job after the break then so be it. I will be taking a small NHS pension in a couple of years time. I will still be paying towards bills though as I wouldn't see it fair on my dh to carry all the load of the bills especially as he is unwell and wanting to retire too. We will just have to make the lower household income work by pooling what we have coming in and budgeting.

Op, the one thing you need to do is start putting more into your pension. You are 48 and need to seriously start planning for your retirement ... you need to do this together, he must start contributing again in a year. Perhaps so you can both be retired by the time hubby's state pension kicks in.

Not give it to her directly, but pay a lump sum off the mortgage, instead of paying his monthly £1k. We don't know the actual figures involved.

YABVU and it purely boils down to jealousy.

Him not contributing is irrelevant as you’ll be paying the exact same as you have been.

If it makes you feel better, you could ask that he doesn’t pay off the mortgage in a lump sum and instead just carries on paying the £1k a month so you don’t feel so hard done by - but that would be stupid if you both.
It would be much better for him to do it in a lump sum.

He will still have paid his monthly £1k, he’s just paying it in 1 lump sum rather than spread out like you are - you’re being very unfair about this.

Taking the DCs to school etc - you can still do this but he wants to do some things too. You sound like you’ve done it plenty and so it’s unfair that you hog this.
They’re his kids too and he wants to do more with them - how is that a bad thing.

I am assuming you never went PT or took the full maternity leave when the DCs were born and so I understand why you feel a bit hard done by but there is nothing unfair about this situation and it’s just your jealousy that you need to control.

It’s just retirement and some people get to retire early it’s just facts.

FWIW I’d love to come home to a clean house and my dinner on the table for me.

Maybe he could take a very part-time/voluntary role in addition to his hobbies etc so he can keep some semblance of work ticking over. It may make it easier to get back into work. I agree that the concern is that he may never get back to work. But if as another poster suggested, he is in emergency services and it’s common for them to come back to an admin role after a year off, then I think this would be fine.

As someone with a DH in their 50s, who has found themselves looking for a new job twice in the last year (one due to redundancy, one due to a bad fit), I would suggest he has 6 months of no work to enjoy some down time, but then starts seriously thinking about what’s next. Maybe a career coach would be worth considering? It’s much harder finding work in your 50s. Even if he ends up with something lower paid/part time, it will ease the financial pressure on you and (probably) be better for his mental health long term. In the meantime, I would be very clear that he needs to step up at home and take responsibility for school runs and other tasks he doesn’t enjoy. He’ll be running back to work soon enough!

Taking a full maternity leave IS NOT the same thing as DH choosing to take a year off at this stage of life to chill and do hobbies.

I can see your point of feeling unfairness at him having lie ins etc while you are working full time. But he is 55 and you are 48. He wasn't able to retire at 48 so why should you? You said yourself that he has had an incredibly stressful job and you feel it is right that he retires so I think you should hold onto this thought.

fwiw My DH is 8 years older than me and he retired at 60. I kept working to support us both until I was 55 and retired with my pension and DH then took his pension at the same time.

I could not complain for him to retire at 60 as we paid off the mortgage at that point too so I thought he had done his bit and at 60 I felt he should be able to retire.

When you say "things he's seen", that makes me think police/ambulance/fire service, something like that. I'm guessing he gets a lump sum on retirement and is using that for the mortgage. If I'm right, he's earned that lump sum and is doing his duty by his family rather than using it to e.g. buy a Harley-Davidson. If he's a decent bloke, he'll pick up more work at home. Don't resent him. He's earned his retirement.

I agree.

It would help if we knew how much is left of the mortgage.
There’s a massive difference if it’s £5k or £100k.

I think some posters are a bit confused.

They both pay in £1k a month = £2k
From this £2k, £900 is the mortgage.

Instead of paying it monthly, DH will pay the mortgage off and so he will essentially still be paying his share (minus £100 a month).

OP is not having to pay more and he will only be contributing £100 less a month but the mortgage will be fully paid off.

He’s still contributing but it will be a lump sum instead of monthly payments.

I imaging they could be savings significant amounts on not paying mortgage interest too depending how big the mortgage was?

I can see why you’re not happy, this wouldn’t work in my marriage because we share all money, there is no “paying my half”, every single penny is considered shared money.

However, you really did set yourself up for this by doing 50:50 and presumably keeping the rest of your money for yourselves. So I’m in two minds, as be is just staying true to the arrangement you’ve always had.

As long as he runs the house and has realistic prospects for getting a job after the year if that is needed / your agreement.

He can find another less stressful job

I would not be happy with one person doing early retirement and then having to work and bear the load of increasing costs of living while he’s doing his hobbies

My parents gifted me a sum of money last summer. Based on what some PPs have said, perhaps I should have made a unilateral decision to quit my job and draw down on it like a salary for the 2+ years it would take to deplete it, without consulting my DH first. Perhaps I missed a trick there.

I think this was surely a discussion to have before the decision to retire was made.

im 50-50 on it TBH. I get both sides really….its dead hard to say anything on reasonability

I’ll read others views now with interest

I wouldn’t have a huge problem with this but you’ll need to have some very clear discussions beforehand. If he pays off the mortgage you’re going to save a lot in interest so calculate how much that is then half it - he’s effectively giving you that (assuming you’re a household who operates finance separately based on this post). Other things to consider - what will his monthly pension be afterwards and how will your combined finances look when you retire, how stable is your marriage, is he expecting to return to some form of employment after a year. If the numbers stack up I’d also have a honest discussion about household responsibilities, assuming he’s not a dick it’s not a reach for anyone to understand if he’s kicking about all day and you’re working then coming home to do laundry resentment is going to set in pretty fast. All going well this could significantly improve your free time / reduce mental load and be a great thing for you as a family - fingers crossed for you!

How much is the balance that he is paying off?

How much of his lump sum will he have left?

How much will his pension pay per month?

It sounds like you don't share money. If that's the case, and he is saying that he will pay the mortgage off and then not contribute further, then we need to know how much he is paying!

For eg. If the mortgage balance is £30,000, then he is saving you 33 months worth of payments. So really, after that time, he needs to start contributing again.

I think the amount left matters too. If he still has £80k sitting in a savings account and is contributing nothing, that doesn't sit well with me.

There's a lot of missing information here.

How much is the lump sum?
Has your DH considered how much he is losing by cashing in his lump sum at 55?
Presumably you each earn more than £1,000 per month and therefore must have savings?
How do you live on £1,100 a month with at least one child?
Food, gas, electricity, phones, running cars, internet costs, clothes, insurances, car maintenance, unforeseen expenses?
What is DH's long term plan? He must have discussed it with you?

At the moment it looks like your individual incomes are strictly regarded as belonging to each of you and only part is pooled for necessary expenditure and you both contribute the exact same amount to the family pot, no more or no less.

On the basis of your post, it looks like your DH has decided to retire at the first available opportunity, using his lump sum as his payment out of the workplace.
If he does retire, I very much doubt that he will want to return to work in a year's time. It's a shame that the lump sum isn't regarded as family money.
If you or your DH were to come into an inheritance, would that be seen as your own respective incomes as opposed to family money to be saved for or spent on the family. I suspect that it would be seen as your own respective incomes.

The problem here in my opinion seems to be that your financial relationship is more of a business relationship rather than earning financial provision for the family. As long as this remains the case, issues like this will continue to arise.

Would it be a good idea for him to pay for the mortgage off as much as possible BUT he keep hold of a year’s worth of his £1000 contribution (so keeps back £12000 in a savings account or whatever that monthly amount would be with a reduced mortgage payment if that’s even applicable) and then he can keep up with his monthly household contributions and enable the household to run smoothly. That would seem a sensible thing to do and in the meantime work out how to move forward? Giving him a break from what sounds like a stressful job. But takes the financial pressure off of you. At least for a year?

If he definitely plans to start contributing again after one year, then as long as the amount he is paying to the mortgage is £12k or more, then this is fair.

However, I'd expect him to do school runs, housework and cooking - that way you get the benefit of him retiring too.

It’s no different to a parent taking maternity leave as long as it’s for a fixed period. I would not be paying for wraparound childcare while there was a parent sat at home not earning. Can you reduce your contribution by cutting bills / switching, cancelling subscriptions, him batch cooking etc so you can pay more into pension?

I don’t know why he would be having lie ins. You should get the same support at home / with school runs you have given him. Can you work different hours eg start very early so you can still be around after school some days or work compressed hours and have a day off? My hunch is it would be better for you to be absent in the mornings if he’s not good at getting up.

It also frees you up eg to take a solo holiday or see friends more or go the gym after work or study / apply for promotion. Try and look at what positives there could be for you of not being the default parent.

If you can still afford to contribute to your half of the bills then you can do whatever you want - change jobs, quit, retire, start a new business etc.

It doesn’t need to be a discussion because you’re still paying your half of the bills.

I would be concerned about what happens for unexpected costs and rising costs.

He would absolutely be picking up the load at home and I would expect to have to do very little.