DH to pay off mortgage then stop house bill contributions

[Luannaa]

DH will take early retirement at the end of the year from a job he has worked very very hard in and made a huge difference to people’s lives and it has also taken its toll on him with things he has had to witness- hence earlier retirement.

This will give him enough money to pay off our joint mortgage which he wants to do so we can be mortgage free. I am extremely grateful for this as it’s huge security for the future and our dc.

However DH then doesn’t want to go into any work for at least a year, for his hobbies his small pension will see him through but this means he cannot pay anything towards the weekly/ monthly bills.

As it stands we combine £1k per month for all joint and household bills, one of these being the £900 mortgage.
With that gone, technically he doesn’t need to contribute any more as he has paid his bit but I feel a bit miffed to carry on working 40+ hours a week and sometimes overtime while he has no job, no bills to pay and just enjoys his hobbies (they are free/ low cost).

AIBU?

Please share your opinions and be honest as I want to get this right for us both.

Because I know what the culture is like in the public sector.
I worked in the NHS, including A and E. Honestly the calibre of staff is generally lower than in the private sector.
Because the bar is set lower, mediocre people tend to think they're amazing. The public is encouraged to worship public sector workers which obviously compounds this.
I admit, I enjoyed it when people outside my sphere said how brave and heroic I was- I'm only human! But I don't think it's healthy.
You're right, though, raising kids doesn't compare- it's much harder!!! Plus, raising kids these days means also working.
I just don't have much respect for a man who bleats about his job and is above/incapable of doing the domestic stuff at home- admittedly that may not be the case for OP's husband, I sincerely hope he pulls his weight.

My husband retired at 49 and I carried on working full time until 57 as my pension not as good as his. The agreement was he would do all the cooking and cleaning. Although he did do a lot more we ended up getting a cleaner as he wasn’t cleaning it enough for me.
With regards to money he still contributed fairly towards the bills though we didn’t pay the mortgage off with his lump sum. However it was classed more as “our” money not just “his”
Sounds like he deserves a year to pursue his hobbies etc as long as he pulls his weight at home.

Totally agree with this. I think it's more or less impossible to truly function as a team with a sense of shared responsibilities and goals, when you are essentially two individuals paying your own way.

And how many years left in the mortgage / how many years is his lump sum effectively paying his share of and more ?

What the OP hasn't said outright is where the DH will get the lump sum from to pay the remaining mortgage off. Ie If it's from his early retirement pension 25% tax free payment. Or some other savings he has.

if he is able to pay off the mortgage with the 25% because he is starting to draw his occupational pension, then he will also get a pension monthly payment, so surely some of that could be used in addition to the OPs contribution to pay monthly bills. The house is the roof over their children's heads while they are still in education, so the DH must surely recognise that paying off the mortgage isn't solely a benefit to the OP but to their shared children. But we don't know what the DHs attitude is to shared finances because the OP hasn't said in any specific way.

In short the OP hasn't given enough information to be able to advise usefully. Opinions are just that, not based on facts.

In this instance the husband has paid his share just up front rather than monthly.

He's probably doing this by taking an early lump sum and having an earlier, smaller pension. This will impact the household income level long term. So overall, he's choosing to make the household income smaller, and he's reducing the 'share' he puts in.

But stay at home mums are always told that their husbands ought to be helping with housework and childcare

I did say... OP should be able to come home and spend fun times with her kids. Is spending time with your kids, taking them out, having fun with them "helping with childcare" or not? Because spending time with your kids sounds like "childcare" to me.

This is ridiculous. My daughter works full time and her DH is at home because it suits their family and finances. It doesn’t mean that she does absolutely nothing at home.

Usually Mumsnet is full of people insisting that a man working full time has to do his share of childcare and chores as soon as he gets home. The double standard here is unbelievable.

I just chatted this through with my husband.
We both think it's bonkers and he has shown himself not to be invested in the betterment of your family.
He sees him paying the mortgage off as him contributing in advance.
Where as surely paying the mortgage off should be an investment in your family's security, creating opportunities to invest in your future, university for the kids, pension for you.
I couldn't be in a relationship that was so transactional.
If you divorced you could potentially have half the house and half his pension and he would need contribute to the children's maintenance.
He is trying to have his cake and eating it.

The only way forward for me would be him paying off the mortgage and then either continuing the £1000 a month contribution each and saving, investing for the future jointly as a family.
Or pay off the mortgage and half the £1100 of bills between you allowing you to save invest or boost your pension.

He was always going to retire before you. So he moved it forward. Most work till paid off mortgage as thats the main goal. He has done that.
Personally if my dh job was very stressful and he had got to 55 and obviously needed a break I would fully encourage it. I would want him to relax . Improve his mental health and enjoy himself.
Obviously so long as doing more at home/kids.

So, instead of you both paying £450 mortgage + £550 bills every month he's paying off the mortgage so using £900 of his £1k and you are then putting your £1k towards the bills. So effectively it works out the same so log as you only do that for as many months as is left on the mortgage term.

Though if he will be paying nothing in then you reduce your amount to £900, that's a £200 difference every month, not £100. He should still be paying £50 and you £950 for it to be £100 reduction shared between you.

Have you planned your retirement independently?

If you have planned jointly, seek financial advice before pulling out the 25,%. It .ight be better to use other investments to fund this? Also, could you get a new mortgage on your income alone?

If DH didn't pay off the mortgage, could you cover all the bills?

If you are thinking about retiring together then you need to talk about this stuff. DH wanting to leave his job is a different decision to him getting his pension to kick in 12 years early.

Thank you for your well thought out, reasoned, logical contribution. So helpful!!

He still needs to contribute and pull his weight in the home.

What age is he?

PS sorry, missed that. I think he needs to have a larger pension or more savings to retire at 55.

It may not be how you intend it, OP, but this comes across as jealousy rather than a genuine fairness issue.

There are a few options:

1. He takes early retirement but doesn’t pay off the mortgage and continues contributing £1k a month. He’s paying exactly the same as before and is entitled to take a break, though financially this makes little sense as you’d continue paying interest.
2. He pays off the mortgage (£900 of the £1k) and contributes the remaining £100 towards bills. If that’s not possible, you could look at cutting costs elsewhere or you could choose to top up the £100 if you’re able and willing. He’s still contributing, and you become mortgage-free.

If neither option feels acceptable, then the issue isn’t money, it’s that he gets rest, time and freedom while you’re stuck in a job you don’t enjoy. That’s understandable, but it’s not fair to frame this as him “not contributing”. He’s worked hard, cleared the mortgage, and is funding his own break.

There is a third option, of course: ask him not to retire early and keep the status quo; both of you working, the mortgage still outstanding, both tired and unhappy, but at least no one gets to lie in or enjoy themselves. That may feel more equal, but it risks burnout or potential health issues for your DH. It’s worth being honest about what’s really driving this feeling and talking to him about that.

Most people seem to think the set up is fine - it wouldn’t be for me and my DH. We’ve already discussed a similar scenario and whilst he could stop work completely, he’d rather we had more time for us to spend together, rather than me working full-time and he having an additional five free days. We’ve discussed both taking a shorter career break, both working reduced hours, cutbacks we can make so we can both have days off together, but we wouldn’t consider what. OP’s husband is proposing. Each to their own, but DH should also be considering your feelings in this.

What don't you try for a compromise and agree that once the mortgage is paid you will both get part time jobs?

Then you can both equally contribute and save but also have more free time.

I couldn't be in a relationship that was so transactional

no, it's completely alien, but I don't think the OPs 2 short posts say enough to be able to draw sound conclusions with no assumption.

He is paying his share though, he's saving you both £900 a month. So his share currently minus £100 If he didn't pay off the mortgage and put the money in savings instead and still paid his £1000 would that make you happier?

You are at different life stages. At 48 I wasn't even considering retirement, at 55 I was. There is ( in my experience) a big difference. You also have more years left to live which is a sobering thought.

You are either a team in life or you aren't. He seems to see you as a team, you don't.

How much is he paying off? So if he pays £20,000 off I’d see it as his contribution for the year (and more) and expect him to do everything at home or most.

Just stop doing it. Tell him you are not being taken advantage of any more!

This is hilarious!

How I have got double standards because some other people have said different things to me?

You do realise that this is just a forum where different people can express their different opinions? It's not a place where a small group can state their opinions and everyone else agrees and the stated opinion becomes 'forum law'?

I have my opinion. Other people have their opinion. Just because those opinions are not the same does not mean I or they have 'double standards'.

I agree. It’s like a couple where the man earns £300k and the woman earns £50k, and the man saying that he’s going to retire at 50 because he’s “paid his share”, but that the woman must continue working to 68, as she hasn’t contributed enough to the pot.

Oh god,I've got a retiree and am still working - love my.jib and age gap. You will resent the bills less than someone sulking about at home doing nothing. Its very very dull. I'm 90% of the way to leaving because of it. He's become very dull indeed.

@StepUpSlowly what is your job?

You’re married; it isn’t his money. It’s coming from a shared pot which should benefit everyone.