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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To find it hard to care about men's issues

313 replies

Parsleyforme · 09/01/2026 19:22

Men's cancer, diseases and suicide I do care about, but I am really struggling to care about the other modern problems of modern men.

My brother says that the modern men of today are very confused about who they should be and how they should act and that is giving them all identity crises and/or midlife crises, depending on their ages. Things like they get told that men as a whole are bad, they don't know who they are as a man anymore, they don't know how much they should show their feelings, they feel guilt even if they're a good man, they don't know what they're supposed to bring to relationships anymore etc. etc.

I'm finding it quite hard work enough to be a woman without having to worry about or really hear about men's issues as well. And I'm actually quite frustrated that I'm being expected to provide a understanding and sympathetic ear. I went to a girl's school and when I left Barbieland I had to pretty quickly catch on that lotss of men are creeps and women aren't actually at the top of any industry or even their own relationships. It actually angers me a bit that I'm expected to feel something for the men who are feeling unsettled when all we've really managed is to get them to stop wolf-whistling at us or sacking us if we get pregnant.

AIBU to feel like this? WIBU to say I don't really have the bandwidth (read:patience) for this and maybe he should talk to some men who can empathise rather than a woman?

OP posts:
Heyhelga · 25/01/2026 12:53

I suppose most won't care until men's issues happens to their son's.

Honestly I'm fed up with the general lack of compassion in society today. Everything seems to be battle lines of this against that.

YourBreezyBiscuit · 25/01/2026 13:25

CurlewKate · 25/01/2026 12:48

if that is true, it’s another reason the patriarchy is bad for men too! It’s not feminists who made up these ridiculous rules of chivalry.

Edited

It's women who buy into the chivalry though isn't it! Most women love the whole ladies first thing.

CurlewKate · 25/01/2026 14:47

YourBreezyBiscuit · 25/01/2026 13:25

It's women who buy into the chivalry though isn't it! Most women love the whole ladies first thing.

Pretty sure that’s not true.But happy to have a look at your evidence.

YourBreezyBiscuit · 25/01/2026 15:25

CurlewKate · 25/01/2026 14:47

Pretty sure that’s not true.But happy to have a look at your evidence.

Lol, you know that there isn't scientific data compiled on every social norm, why would there be? It doesn't mean we're not all capable of noticing social trends, or denying them to fit your own agenda of course!

Spend some time on the relationship boards, or just look at what women expect in real life. Many women expect men to pay when going on a date, many women enjoy it when men open doors for them or act protectively, they like to be treated like princesses and expect men to protect them. Many women enjoy chivalry from men, deny it all you want but it's true.

I'd love to see your evidence that women hate chivalry if you're going to claim that's true! Peer reviewed studies of women's opinions from many different demographics only of course 😘

nevernotmaybe · 25/01/2026 15:36

Kalimeras · 11/01/2026 09:56

Yes - women apparently tend to choose less lethal methods (eg overdose). Some people say it’s because women consider who will find the body, misogynists say it’s because women are just attention seeking. As has been implied in this thread actually.

Ah the irony. Makes the horrific statistic of male deaths all about how women are special, hints that they are special in how they consider others with it, and tries to complain about "misogynists" within the same comment.

Carla786 · 11/02/2026 20:12

GeneralPeter · 11/01/2026 06:56

I think there are plenty of toxic behaviours that women are over-represented in. But I don’t think any of them come close to the levels of harm of wanton and murderous violence, which is overwhelmingly a man thing.

Interesting question about under what hypotheticals women might be worse.

I think if the physical strength advantage were reversed then the numbers might even up a bit. I think I’ve seen studies that say that the rate of domestic violence in lesbian relationships is high, for example. But I think there are also evolutionary drivers of why men are so much more violent than women (especially at the extreme tail) which stems from the different biological reproductive roles. Crudely put: at an individual level very violent men can have a lot of descendants by force. And at a societal level men are more disposable than women for maintaining a population, so having a portion of them be extreme risk-takers makes sense as an evolutionary strategy in a way that having extreme-risk-taking women never could.

Edited

Specifically on the claim about lesbian DV : this usually comes from the CDC survey which is US anyway and might not apply to other countries. This survey counted lifetime DV prevalence, but did not record perpetrator sex. Many lesbians have been in prior relationships with men. Surveys which DO record perpetrator sex tend to have roughly equal DV to hetero couples

SafetyIsNotRadical · 11/02/2026 23:19

Carla786 · 11/02/2026 20:12

Specifically on the claim about lesbian DV : this usually comes from the CDC survey which is US anyway and might not apply to other countries. This survey counted lifetime DV prevalence, but did not record perpetrator sex. Many lesbians have been in prior relationships with men. Surveys which DO record perpetrator sex tend to have roughly equal DV to hetero couples

Could you link to those surveys please?

RememberBeKindWithKaren · 15/02/2026 02:36

About par for the course here. Any mothers of boys who feel this way probably won't tell their sons this is how they feel. Unless they want to give their sons issues I guess.

GaIadriel · 15/02/2026 03:17

I think if the physical strength advantage were reversed then the numbers might even up a bit.

I heard somebody claim the other day that female rulers have historically been more likely to start wars. I googled it and turned out to be true. They were also more likely to continue ongoing conflicts that started before their ascent to power.

I think it's about power as much as physical strength and no doubt the men would have been the ones dying in the wars started by the queen. It may be that those that had been on the pointy end were less keen to start wars having seen the horrors first hand.

Carla786 · 21/02/2026 02:10

SafetyIsNotRadical · 11/02/2026 23:19

Could you link to those surveys please?

Yep, I'll find the link.

bittertwisted · 21/02/2026 02:49

Heyhelga · 25/01/2026 12:53

I suppose most won't care until men's issues happens to their son's.

Honestly I'm fed up with the general lack of compassion in society today. Everything seems to be battle lines of this against that.

Isn’t this thread sickening
I feel such sadness that women feel it is acceptable to talk about all men in such a vile manner
in my experience of having 3 sons with many many friends there are no boys who behave like described on this thread, but 3 of their friends have attempted suicide

how some posters have the gall to question the preference for girls in western society, whilst posting such hatred forall men, it’s laughable and really stupid

boys are people, some people are horrible, my sons don’t even know what the fucking patriarchy is
rather than such vitriolic and all consuming hatred concentrate on a better future
i hope none of these women have sons

bittertwisted · 21/02/2026 02:54

FellowSuffereroftheAbsurd · 11/01/2026 12:26

There are countless number of issues in the world. As the quote goes - the good thing about everything being so fucked up is that no matter where you look, there is great work to do. I do think those working in this, and many other areas, are admirable. That doesn't mean we need to be part of it - I don't think any person can actually care about all of them and it'll only harm us if we try.

It's not unreasonable to put your energy and care where you want to - especially as the source for being to care is your brother who reads like he's just dumping onto you rather than looking for solutions or really any support. As many said, it would be very different if it was a son who had been harmed and was looking for guidance and help.

I think it's better when people focus their efforts in the areas for the causes that matter to them rather than trying to cover everything. I don't think it helps when people are either pushed to try to cover everything. I also don't think there is a need to be antagonistic towards causes even if we don't care about them. While it may feel good, there is little benefit in treating others who care about a different cause as if they're taking away from one's own.

I view it like this - I don't really care about issues in my birth country, I left over twenty years ago, the writing was on the wall there well before then, I know others who left who are doing great work to help out.. I'm not going to shite on those who do, I'm not going to point out to them that the country has caused a lot of its own problems as they're very aware and we're all very aware that the ones suffering the most are the ones with the least power with little involvement in making the problems that are currently harming them - I don't have to care or get involved, I might change my mind later, but I'm not going to be guilted into doing so, and I can still see that the work is there and I'm glad others are trying to find out what can be done to make the world better in that way while I try in other ways. I can understand everyone has suffering in their lives without feeling the need to be the one to try to fix it or even to get emotionally involved in it. I'll only spread myself too thin and drain myself to be of any good to anyone.

This is one of his arguments but is this actually true? Who is teaching them that? While we expect better from our kids than the last generation, mums are not all misandrists passing this on to their toddlers or teens.

Just like mums are not all misogynists teaching their sons that girls are just there to take care of them, not all mums are misandrists telling their sons they are bad for being boys - it's not all on mums. Cultural learning comes from many angles and sometimes just from the attitudes in the environment.

I was once at a school doing a focus group discussion on safeguarding, and as part of the discussion, one Y9 boy nervously spoke up that everything to do with wellbeing at the school was aimed at girls, that he felt that there was an attitude that boys are just a problem that need to sort themselves out or at most, that they should sort it out through football - and not all of them like football. All 12 student - even split evenly between girls and boys - adamantly agreed that this was an issue. It was one of the best conversations we had with the kids came from that as we dug into what they thought was needed and the issues between the sexes in the school, including that a lot of sexual harassment going on was more same-sex harassment, particularly girls on other girls, but also boy on boy, but that it was getting ignored.

This was discussed with the Safeguarding Lead who made all the right noises - and turned around and made 2 more wellbeing groups for girls.

A couple years on, same school, struggling with boys doing far less well than girls and struggling with engagement. Their only group that was wellbeing focused that boys could access was still only the weekly mixed sex football lunch club, with occasional half-terms with a boxing coach that was invite only. I was aware of girls having been given permission to change in the disabled toilet rather than in the girls' locker room as a way around the harassment going on, but still no changes in the policy or in how it was being documented (it was documented as bullying, only boy on girl was documented as sexual harassment). The kids literally gave them a blueprint and they ignored it. I can only guess as to the reasons for that.

I've also heard 8-10 year old boys include in their description of men "they just want to hurt girls and women". It's getting there fairly young.

I imagine both sexes have a sense of whether they are a good person or a bit of a shit bag.

Some of the worst people in the world think they are great. I personally think no person is objective enough to know that there are a good person, it's something only others can determine, and I view anyone who says they are a good person with immediate suspicion as IME they tend to excuse any shite they do with their supposedly good intent rather than care about the impact.

This is a fantastic, level headed, non hysterical post
well done

Sexentric · 21/02/2026 11:37

bittertwisted · 21/02/2026 02:54

This is a fantastic, level headed, non hysterical post
well done

Our school is like this too unfortunately. There are no clubs for boys. There are some for boys and girls and some for girls but not a single club aimed at boys alone.

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