We’ve hurt the birthday boy’s feelings?

[sidneytweeney]

So my son who is 8 has been invited to his friend’s birthday party next weekend. Another mum who I am friends with has asked me to take her son to the party too as she is working (he’s been invited.) I’ve agreed to do this and to help my friend out further, her son is going to be having a sleepover at mine in the night of the party. (Mum friend is a single parent, works as a nurse) The birthday boy is staying at his grandparents after his party in order to see extended family for his birthday. Birthday boy’s mum texted me this morning to say that I had disappointed birthday boy by organising a fun sleepover to which birthday boy can’t come. She said I had ‘taken the shine off his special day.’ Unless I’m missing a higher chunk of social awareness , this woman is batshit right?

Part of parenting is to manage your children’s expectations. Part of being an 8 year old is beginning to understand that the world doesn’t revolve around you, and that sometimes things happen in your friends’ lives that you’re not always included in. If this mum constantly manipulates situations so that her child never has to face challenges then he won’t develop the resilience he will need in later life.

Though to be honest it sounds like the disappointment is hers in this case.

I think your reply explaining that you are helping with childcare due to the other mum’s work shifts is perfectly reasonable and tactful.

how bizarre.

so are none of the children in his class allowed sleepovers on her childs birthday?

So single parents helping each other out with childcare in emergencies or when their regular childcare is unavailable are actually smug 'transactional' mums?

My experience is that married couples with kids tend to be smugger than single parents who are often judged, looked down on and pitied.

I voted NBU however have told my children from birth that you never, ever EVER talk about an event to which someone has not been invited in front of them. I would have been very annoyed at my child for discussing the sleepover in front of the birthday boy and would have replied saying that to the mother. She, of course, should have said precisely nothing to you.

Haha, I got similar from a school mum on a group chat berating me for not 'running it past her' before hosting playdates with other children on an evening she'd already told me her child wasn't available. Fine for hers to go on playdates that mine isn't included in of course, and she never hosts herself. She now doesn't speak to me at all because she was told in no uncertain terms that I don't need her or her 8 year old's permission to have other people in my home.

I might suggest changing our group chat name to “The Smug Transactioners”

WTF. I’m starting to think that Amanda from Motherland isn’t as far fetched as I thought she was!

Bloody hell, what is your problem?

Why shouldn't mums help each other out. What is it to you? No one is asking you to have the kid for the night!

Do you perhaps feel you've been taken advantage of by another mum somewhere along the line and somehow it's now everyone else's fault?

Or do you think single mums should suffer in silence with no help because they dared to get divorced?

If the other boy was going to a baby sitter until 10pm you'd probably be bitching about how awful it was of his mum to 'dump' him with a baby sitter so she could work (but ofc if she wasn't working, shed be a 'benefit scrounger')!

Wind your neck in!

This poster sounds bitter as hell, IMO.

Not a fair comparison at all. It’s not 3 best friends and two breaking off and leaving the other out. The OP said the whole class plus others have been invited.

A fairer comparison would be a friend having a large birthday meal and inviting 20 plus guests. One of your friends wants to drink and lives far away. You live near the venue so offer her to stay at yours after it. You leave the meal, have a few drinks at yours, friend stays the night and then goes home the next day.

Would I be mad at that? Absolutely not. Friend staying over would be a necessity to avoid expensive travel home- just like the child is staying over at OPs for childcare not for fun. Also frankly none of my business. I have invited my friends to my birthday event, they are free to do whatever they want for the rest of their day.

I’ve also been to many birthday meals where the meal ended and birthday person went home as had other plans (like the boy who’s staying at family members) and everyone else has carried on. It’s how the world works. Nobody is mad. This woman is raising an entitled child.

'Anyone can see that it's slightly poor form to plan something after a mutual friends birthday celebration. If an adult started a thread here saying two of her best friends are going on a spa break immediately after her birthday party, then there would be more discussion'

Totally agree.

User7565364

Good grief, show me where the transactional mummies hurt you.

Contempt, privilege and bitterness oozes out of you.

Women helping each other out was a real thing once upon a time. Paid childcare exists because middle class women entered the workforce. Women in low paid work and single mums have always formed support networks to patch childcare together. And they've never been able to afford to have a hissy fit if the person providing free childcare didn't serve a carefully planned organic menu or a packed program of educational activities; that kind of entitlement destroyed the village and made life so much harder for working parents.

And that's exactly the type of person this unfortunate birthday child's mother clearly is -- always on the hyper-alert for someone 'excluding' them, or for any intimation that two of her friends might have formed their own individual friendship and sometimes see one another separately.

Well-balanced people realise their friends' lives don't involve around them. And that their birthdays, however special and hallowed they may be to them, do not in fact rip a hole in the space-time continuum.

I’d agree too if there were only 3 kids at the party. There’s loads. Twenty plus. This isn’t a relevant comparison.

I was so ill last year with pneumonia. I have no parents or siblings. My kids’ dad lives overseas. I honestly don’t know what I’d have done without these women. Cooking, cleaning, shopping, walking my dog, looking after my kids, as if they were part of their families. Honestly, how anyone can see anything negative in women supporting women is baffling to me.

"Hi Ruth,
Sorry, there seems to have been a bit of a misunderstanding. I'm having Ben round just to help out his mum, who is working. We were under the assumption that Thomas was going round to his grandparents after the party for more birthday activities? Ben sleeping over is unrelated to Thomas' birthday party. It was just a private invitation between mum-friends. It's a shame Thomas feels left out - that was never the intention."

I would also say this.

FFS, they're hardly likely to be exchanging dick pics. More likely they're playing Roblox or similar and chatting whilst they do it.

The best parenting response to situations like this is always to acknowledge that it's sad when you can't do all the fun things but that no-one is invited to everything.

That is very unkind!

Some people would start a fight in an empty room, wouldn't they?

It’s a group video call on phones while they play Minecraft. It’s perfectly fine and it means I can work for a few hours while he’s occupied. I didn’t mean to say chatting online - that means something different. This is restricted to the boys in the group

As a single mum who had a lot of support from my parents, I think it's amazing that you and the others are able to support each other so much.
Yes, the batshit mother has no idea how hard it can be - I was very grateful for all the help from my parents and very aware of how much harder my life would have been without their help.
Just carry on, you're not doing anything wrong - she's completely BU

I wouldn't of messaged you but I can see how it would upset the birthday boy. It's not nice being left out ( I know that's not what's happened but to an 8 year old I bet that's what it feels like )

I'd do what a PP suggested and say it's not a fun sleepover your helping mum out with childcare

You sound as batshit as the mother.