We’ve hurt the birthday boy’s feelings?

[sidneytweeney]

So my son who is 8 has been invited to his friend’s birthday party next weekend. Another mum who I am friends with has asked me to take her son to the party too as she is working (he’s been invited.) I’ve agreed to do this and to help my friend out further, her son is going to be having a sleepover at mine in the night of the party. (Mum friend is a single parent, works as a nurse) The birthday boy is staying at his grandparents after his party in order to see extended family for his birthday. Birthday boy’s mum texted me this morning to say that I had disappointed birthday boy by organising a fun sleepover to which birthday boy can’t come. She said I had ‘taken the shine off his special day.’ Unless I’m missing a higher chunk of social awareness , this woman is batshit right?

But why? The whole class is invited to the boy's party. Are they all supposed to not say anything about what they are going after the party? It just seems crazy to me and telling them to keep what they are doing a secret also seems wrong.
Kids talk about what they are doing all the time. I've lost count of the number of times a child has been picked up by another parent because they are going on a play date after school ,the other children who are not invited don't complain or think anything of it

It wasn't condescending or patronising at all. If she'd just said she was helping out with childcare and not acknowledged the child being upset she'd be accused of being cold and continuing to invalidate the other child's feelings or some such.

That’s a nice message, OP

You honestly can't see a difference between 'you have to keep this secret' and 'it's actually a bit thoughtless to talk about the sleepover and what you'll be doing in front of someone who isn't going'? The birthday boy didn't overhear it in passing, the two of them talked about it a conversation that was the three of them. If you don't think that's rude, and wouldn't teach your children that that's rude, then I'm astonished.

Don't worry, you looked crazy before that.

I haven't seen where she said just the three of them spoke about it.
But Iif so I can see how the conversation could have happened naturally. I certainly wouldn't have told my child not to talk about the sleepover in front of birthday boy because they weren't doing anything wrong.
Of course if they said to him something like poor you , you are only going to your grandma's but we are going to have a fun time together at a sleepover. That would be rude. But there is no suggestion that anything like that happend.
Incidentally my children are grown up and parents themselves and they are perfectly polite, thoughtful, kind adults.

I certainly wouldn't have told my child not to talk about the sleepover in front of birthday boy because they weren't doing anything wrong.
Of course if they said to him something like poor you , you are only going to your grandma's but we are going to have a fun time together at a sleepover. That would be rude. But there is no suggestion that anything like that happend.
Totally. Kids talk about stuff they are doing. Sometimes that's playdates that don't involve someone else who is in the conversation. It might have been done in a mean way but I agree there's no suggestion that it was and discussing it is not in itself unkind or badly intentioned.

You're a bigger person than I, OP. I'd have completely ignored the silly mare.

I also don't understand those on here wanging on about how 'insensitive' and 'thoughtless' it is for the OP to do this. She's doing another mum a favour, not creating a massive sleepover to which the birthday boy. Birthday boy
is clearly not remotely upset about it either. It's all in this woman's head. Maybe she's got too much time on her hands.

OP said the three of them were having a conversation in an online game (which I think is surprising for 8 year olds, and isn't my experience of having one currently, but that's by the by) and the two going to the sleepover were talking about it, which the birthday boy told his mum, thus prompting the (unreasonable) text from her. It's in one of OP's updates. I don't think the OP's son and the othe boy have done anything terrible or anything - I do think it would be a good opportunity to just have a gentle chat about being thoughtful about other people's feelings. It isn't especially nice to start chatting about what you're going to do at a sleepover in front of a person not going to it and that's exactly what I'd say to my 8 year old if I found out that he'd done that.

I think that was a good and measured response but it might have been better to have said you were providing childcare for the mum, rather than calling it a sleepover which implies something more fun!

However even if you were providing the most fun sleepover in the history of sleepovers, the other mum is still being very unreasonable and extremely entitled in calling you to complain.

🤣🤣

Well at least my 8 year old isn’t chatting online to friends about stuff I’m unaware of in the moment. I’ll take crazy

It sounds like the sleepover is being seen as something rather bigger than it is. "X is staying at our house because his Mum's working and grandparents are away" doesn't sound quite as exciting as "We're having a sleepover after your party". I suspect it's a completely innocent conversation between 3 young boys that's been taken the wrong way.
The mother has indeed over reacted but I can kind of see how it might have upset the birthday boy. If that had happened to one of my sons I wouldn't have contacted the other mother to complain, I'd have just talked to my son about how its ok for friends to spend time with different people at different times.
Had I received the text though I think I'd just have replied with something factual like "Oh, it's not really an "event". X is just sleeping here because his Mum is working and he wouldn't have been able to get to the party otherwise. Sorry Y was upset but honestly he's not being excluded from anything".

My daughter hosted a small primary school birthday of about 8 children, including her and another parent invited 4 of the other children to a cinema trip and sleepover party directly after my daughter's party. In fact the girls brought their sleepover cases to the party and were chatting excitedly about their plans during the party.

I thought this was very poor form and borderline malicious from the organising mum. However, there was nothing we could do as it's a free country! We tried not to make too much of it with our daughter. I still think how unkind that group of parents were.

The OP is describing something a little different to this given the ratios involved. I didn't tell the other parents what I thought and would have cringed at texting - but part of me wishes I had.

I've had similar, hosted Halloween party 10 kids and 4 of them brought their overnight things as they were having a sleepover.

Kids love sleepovers. Whilst I get the op's situation was purely a childcare arrangement I can see how the parent was a bit pissed off, though like you I certainly didn't say anything. Just thought it .

This.

Perfect reply

You really haven't.

Tell me you have no empathy for single parents without telling me!

The thread isn't about the birthday boy, it's about the behaviour of his mum.

I'm sure most people here have empathy for a kids disappointment- doesn't mean the OP should saddle herself with a 3 kid sleeper (of already likely tired and tetchy kids) just to assuage his disappointment.

It could easily have been handled by the mum brushing it away and explaining its because the other boys mum is at work and 'arent we lucky i don't have to work on a Saturday night!' Kids take their cues from the adults around them and it sounds like the nutty mum has stoked up disappointment with her indignation.

8 year olds are old enough to learn that the world doesn't revolve around them.

Why has OP been rude to host ?
Just don’t reply. Her son was already going to extended family after party so I just cannot see the problem.
Also it is great to read about Mums supporting each other with childcare.

Isn't it interesting how different we all are.

I read @sidneytweeney posts and thought how lovely they have built up this support system - which helps each other out. I then briefly cast my mind back to a time I too was in need of a spot of similar help, and reciprocated without hesitation.

It would never occur to me to interpret it as smugness and transaction.

I suggest you have/have had too much time on your hands to jump to the conclusions you have in your post.

Again. A huge leap and assumption. Go and have a cup of tea, and oh my god I’ve always wanted to say this, give your head a wobble.

But so what? Even if this wee boy is upset then… what? Would he skip his family party? Invite himself to this? Offer to host them both for a sleepover at his? I don’t understand what the mother could possibly be suggesting here. Either this sleepover happens or neither boy comes to the party so…??

Great choice of user name.

"If the OP was a nice person..." Give over.

oh for god's sake. This is why a lot of young people are growing up feeling entitled to everything and resilient to nothing.

The whole class is going to the party. TWO friends are having a sleepover..whilst the birthday boy might want to go to the sleep over too, he's having a night with family. Its fine for him to be disappointed - that's life - but his parent needs to teach him that sometimes things can't be the way we want them to be!