To not become Mrs Celebrity Name?

[SummerFate]

I’m getting married later this year and had always assumed I’d take my husband’s name. I’ve never been particularly attached to my maiden name (divorced parents) and I’d like to have the same surname as my kids, which my mother doesn’t have.

However, if I do do this, I’ll have the same name as a celebrity. It’s not an A lister where it would be remarked on all the time, and it will still be a fairly ordinary name. (Think someone like Kaye Adams for the level of fame and ordinariness of name.) But it’s someone well known enough that I’ll definitely get “Ooh, I didn’t recognise you! You look taller on the telly” type jokes that I can do without. So I figure it’s just easier to keep my maiden name.

However, my fiancé has taken exception to this. He’s taking it personally and says I’m being daft: he said he’d understand me not wanting to be called Helen Mirren or Nicole Kidman, but that I’ll still have an ordinary name and that this celeb may be forgotten in a few years anyway.

I do get what he means, but he’s not the one who’ll be asked “Ooh, like the actress?” every time he gives his full name. I’ve also pointed out that a lot of women don’t change their name regardless, so he could have been marrying someone who never had any intention of being Mrs Name.

I’ve said we could double-barrel any children if that’s what he’s worried about, but he’s still complaining. AIBU?

Sure but women end up with the name of a sire either way.

And consider the names themselves - a good % are male names - George, Alexander, Edwards, Johns, Williams, Matthews etc; another good % are patronymic - Johnson, Williamson, Ferguson, Hutchinson etc; and another % are names of male trades - Smith, Taylor, Carter, Tanner, Chandler, Miller, Butcher, Baker, Mason etc. The rest are broadly gender neutral topographical or place names - which I prefer personally.

Mine's ever so boring and plain so nobody ever says anything!

She’s already said she isn’t particularly attached to her maiden name so using it as a compromise does seem a little silly.

All those people saying he should change his name to hers haven’t read the op. She states she has never been particularly attached to her name. He is obviously attached to his. It seems a no brainier to me to choose the name at least one of them likes if they are to have the same name. Of course they could always choose a completely different surname for the whole family and confuse all their friends and relatives.

I didn't say it wasn't to do with gender.

I said it should be a choice.

Of course it's about gender. That doesn't mean a woman should feel it's anti-feminist for going along with the tradition. And she shouldn't be shamed for her choice.

Thanks for being good natured about it. I hope I soften with age as everything about the patriarchy gets me in a rage these days. 😂😂😂Although I watch what is going on for womens rights (or lack of them) in the middle east and count my blessings 🙏

This ^

If people say "Oh, like the actress?" then you just say "Yes!" and they will (presumably) know how to spell it, and you won't spend your entire married life spelling out an unusual surname, like my mother had to :-)

Of course it's a choice, anyone can do what they want. But it's fine to say you think it's patriarchal bollocks too, which isn't intended to shame anyone. It's just a statement of what it actually is, in my view, which is just my own view.

A woman of my acquaintance met a man, eventually set up home together and had children.
Didn't marry.
I don't know him but it's definitely not her thing.

Neither wanted the other person's name but they wanted their children to feel "joined" so they took half of each of their surnames and amalgamated them.

If their surnames had been Ramsbottom and Shuttleworth, (they weren't, obvs) they announced the whole family was to be known as the Bottonshuffles or the Ramsworths.

I guess it stopped the male name on each side.

I know of a couple who did this. Maybe that's the way to go...

I worked with a woman who did this when she got married.

Her name was something like Green and his something like Stone so they both became the Greenstones. It worked rather well.

As long as it sounds nice. Names had to come from somewhere and they’re not all through occupations (Baker etc).

it wouldnt. bother me for the celebrity reason. I could understand you being bothered if it was for not wanting to take a man's name though

Try going for a double barreled surname

A man seeing his arse because you don't want to change your name is a total clit shriveller.

I would be giving my dc my last name. If fiancé wanted to have same last name he is more than welcome to change his.

Cannot bear men’s assumption that dc and future wife automatically get their name and then are ‘funny’ when it doesn’t happen.

Also (sorry op) but considering the high divorce rate I have seen numerous friends change their name upon marriage, change it again upon divorce and then change it again upon remarriage - fuck that and all that hassle and everything it entails.

I would suggest a lot of women maybe don’t feel attached to their name because they have grown up from a very young age knowing that it’s likely they will have to change it. Whereas men, for the most part, know that is their name for life and they are carrying on the family name 🙄 Women can carry on the family name too

Who is Kaye Adams? Never heard of them.

My DH shares his fairly generic name with a sportsperson (think like Andy Murray). It’s generally ok because he’s not a divisive figure and any comments are positive. Can imagine it would be a pain if it was a footballer who half the city didn’t like.

We found out after we were married that we had a historical surname in common. Many generations back and spelled differently- we’re not related. We do sometimes ponder if we should have adopted it as a new joint surname because we quite like it! It was too late though, our kids were already born and named.

My maiden name was the same as a fairly well known politician who was often in the news. I never got asked about it, so it never bothered me from that point of view. It did however prevent people from being able to Google me, so even where my achievements made minor local news, you couldn't find them.

Whoever this person is, may not be famous anymore in 5 years, but hopefully you will be with your husband for life. I wouldnt make a decision on your name for life based on someone else's possible fame.

You are over thinking this. There are lots of reasons why a woman might be attached to her surname. The op is not. Asking him to take her name to spite him seems bonkers to me.

@Lockdownsceptic Do you believe a woman who doesn't take her husband's name is doing so out of spite?!

It really seems like a bit of a non issue tbh

It’s not to spite him, or at least that’s not how I saw it when I suggested it. It’s to make him realise what he’s asking her to do and get an insight into how that feels. Many men just expect it yet would be horrified at the thought of doing it themselves - because very deep down they do see women as less fully human than men and themselves as the “head” of the relationship or family. I think men should consider whether they’d be happy to do it before asking their wife to.

I remember a thread where a woman didn’t want to change her name and her in-laws were kicking off about it. So she asked her FIL how he would feel about changing his name to his wife’s. He was outraged and spluttered “but I’ve had this name all my life!” It literally hadn’t occurred to him that so had she, and that that might matter to her in the same way it did to him.

And the “it’s just another man’s name” argument is a red herring because almost everyone is just given someone else name as a surname, often their dad’s but it can be their mum’s, sometimes a double barrel etc. At birth, it becomes your own name and that’s the same for men and women. Giving up your name on marriage isn’t somehow less of a hassle or imposition on women because of this.

I understand some women want to do it and that’s their choice, just as some men want to, and some gat couples choose one of their names too. But no one who doesn’t want to (for any reason) should be expected to and any man who expects a woman to without even thinking about how he’d feel about doing the same should definitely have that put to him.