Adult DC visiting from New Zealand - how would you feel about this?

[abitgutted]

My adult DD lives in New Zealand with her DH. They decided to visit for Christmas, which I was so excited about. They came here on Boxing Day for lunch, stayed over and set off fairly early the next morning, for her Dad's house. I was expecting them back at some point, but was told they didn't know their plans yet.

It's now 8th January, and we haven't seen them since. They have split their time between her Dad, her DH's Dad and their friends (the friends all live near her DH dad, so they will have slept there after nights out with friends).

It looks like they will pop in for a coffee tomorrow morning. Can't commit to anything more, like a night out or an evening meal here, where we could have dinner and drinks, because they have other plans.

By the time they go home, they will have spent 28 days here, but we will have only seen them for one night (less than 24 hours in total).

To be honest, I am totally gutted. I was so excited for their visit. I got their room ready, bought in their favourite drinks etc. The pop in tomorrow just feels like crumbs, or like they will only see us if nothing better is on offer. Obviously I haven't said this, and won't!

Would any other Mum's feel so disappointed with this, or AIBU? Honestly feel like I could cry, tbh. Won't see them after this, for at least 2 years.

None of this thread suggests that OP and her DC are close.

That's my impression too. OP went all the way to NZ, saw her daughter for a few evenings then left and went elsewhere. The DD is now visiting and giving mum the same treatment.

Wow that is a surprise.

I live abroad and whenever we are back my parents basically end up seeing too much of us! 😂 They host us for two weeks and I try and make excuses to go out alone at some point

Perhaps she is scared of overstaying her welcome? Though tbh one night isn't exactly an overstay

I feel your pain op, it must be very difficult

I hate to say it OP, but your daughter sounds very selfish and inconsiderate! Even when you went to NZ and stayed in a hotel, they couldn't even be bothered to take some time off work!? Unbelievable! I'm really sorry. They only consoling factor is that at 29, she may even still can have some growing up to do (I could be a selfish bastard at that age as well 🙂).

People can move wherever they want. I agree that OP's daughter has been hurtful, but you don't own your children. You can be as pissed about it as you like, but children actually don't owe parents anything. I can't imagine factoring my parents into my life plan as an adult.

First, I'm sorry that you haven't had more time with your DD. I don't blame you for feeling hurt and disappointed.

I keep coming back to you not feeling like talking to her about how you feel is an option. You seem to conflate that suggestion with "having a go" or causing conflict. Telling someone how you feel isn't the same as having a go and it shouldn't automatically cause conflict, so I'm wondering if this is a consistent pattern in your relationship. You say there haven't been any falling outs or issues but if you're the type of person/family who shove all your hurts and frustrations down and never talk about feelings then it's easy for problems to build and build with one person being oblivious.

I'm going to echo the advice you've received over and over on this thread - tell your DD how much you were looking forward to her visit and that you've been disappointed to see so little of her. You can do this calmly but honestly with a focus on your own feelings; don't attribute any motives to her actions. Tell her that you're confused about why she wasn't willing to set aside time with you and want to understand. Then let her talk. Yes, it will probably be uncomfortable. But talking about uncomfortable things is actually necessary for a healthy relationship.

Idk, it sounds right for their age if you ask me. Not nice and not ideal but for two of them living that far away.
I expect between them they have hundreds of people they want to see, obviously family but no doubt their friends are the big draw here and it sounds as though geographically the place they’re staying is closer to their social group?
not excusing it and I can’t imagine how hurtful it must feel, but some people, especially younger, are just thoughtless and much more focused on social life and ‘fun’ stuff as opposed to what might feel more like obligation.

You already feel awful, and I don’t expect you will feel any better after they leave regardless of whether you say anything or not. So tell her how upset you are and give her the opportunity to put it right.

Ridiculous and sexist.

OP hasn't bothered to take time off work either.

I think she’s been selfish and quite thoughtless, had they have spent a couple of days with you I’m sure them going off for the other 26 days wouldn’t have caused you any issue.

I’m sorry op, I’d be disappointed too.

I assumed that it was her DD who didn't offer to put them up or see them for any longer than the five days, given her behaviour on this visit.

True. This thread is giving missing missing reasons.

Awful. You poor thing! She's behaving abysmally towards you!

OP hasn't taken time off work either - she expects her DD to work her plans around her shifts!

OP also only visited her DD for a few evenings then went off travelling elsewhere.

Yep, or just a mother/daughter who aren't actually all that close.

This is terrible, and so, so unkind of your daughter. Is she generally a selfish person? Who travels halfway across the world for a month to spend one day with their mother?

The mother and her husband didn't spend that much time with the daughter either, when they visited. I would be very interested to hear the daughter's side of this.

I can understand both sides.

I expect she has many people to see and alot more travelling once here.

I wonder how many people she is visiting , there must be lots of friends on both sides.

I would be disappointed if my adult children only visited on only one occasion.
My sister lives away and when she came back home my Dad would complain that she was either late or didn't spend enough time with family and preferred friends ,which is important too.

He would get cross , she would get cross and complain about having to go from one town to another and not have real quality time with anyone.
I think you could ask if she would like to come for a meal and stay the night before going , rather than her going back home and regretting saying anything .

So he's been her stepfather since she was 12 or thereabouts? From personal experience that's a tricky age to suddenly have a new man you're not related to land in your home and take the role of your dad. Again from personal experience if I had the option of staying with my dad or my mum and her partner if choose my dad every time. "Get on fine" isn't the same as feel comfortable and enjoy spending time with.

i mean this nicely, but have you/do you visit them? And if not, how come? I’ve lived away for 11 years with minimal visitors, I go home a lot but have lost touch with all of my old friends due to prioritising family. It’s hard to manage it in a way that everyone is happy tbh, I’ve sacrificed myself & your dd hasn’t it seems like. I would be gutted if I were you though!

Who travels halfway across the world to only go for dinner with their daughter a few times before buggering off and travelling instead?

when you say adult child how old are we talking? Young enough to think ‘oh I’ll be back again soon, it doesn’t matter’? Unless you speak up you won’t know and she won’t know how not prioritising you feels to you

They were there for five days. The DD was at work during that time. They met in the evening. Maybe the DD couldn't get leave. Maybe they couldn't be arsed.

The DD has done lunch and evening out of 28 days.

Omg @abitgutted please don’t follow any advice from this person unless you want to cast a blight on your child’s trip and cause bad feeling between you and her and her husband/ partner .
this could impact your relationship with them ever after.

Meet her for the time she can offer , no sad or angry or bitter comments or hints.
you can say in a nice way that you wish you’d seen her more but understand how much they’ve had to cram in as well as jet lag etc and hope she’s had a wonderful time and how much you will miss her.

also please don’t ’show Her this thread’ as someone else suggested, that would be awful.
You don’t have to be ‘breezy’ but anything else is just going to ruin your last few hours together and her memory of her time over here.

Who doesn't book some leave to be with their mum?